Everything is at stake.

(Before I launch into this, just a little heads up that my previous thread has little to nothing to do with this problem. Yes, chronologically it happened in the middle of this, but for the sake of not making this any longer than it is already I'm leaving it out. It's not too relevant anyway.)

I feel so lost. Like there's no way out of this. I'm tearing up as I'm writing this, no more than five minutes after I still pretended to be happy and optimistic around my friends, trying so hard, hoping, sincerely hoping they would just not notice anything.

My life is great overall -- if not for everything I'm about to write down, I would absolutely be happy. 100%. And I'm sure there's billions of people who have a situation much worse and much more serious than mine. Maybe I'm just emotionally weak, I don't really know. All I know is that after countless days of feeling awful, all the while bottling it up it lest the truth come out, I need to get this off my chest.

I'm going to mainly be referring to two people in this story, both of which are among my best friends.

First, there's a male friend that I have, who I've known for about 2 years at this point. We see each other on a daily base in college and outside of it, and share the same group of mutual friends. From here on forward, I'll refer to him as G.

Then there is a female friend, quite possibly my best friend in general, who I've similarly known for two years and see every day both at university and at activities with our friend group. Same friend group G's in. From here on forward, I'll refer to her as L.

Since the first year of university, G and L both have been great friends to me. It wasn't long until we started heading over to each others' places for days of gaming, got dinner together, headed to zoos and movies, these kind of things. Always with the three of us. It was great. At first, it was only sporadically, but after half a year or so it became more frequent, and pretty much a weekly thing. It was always my favorite part of the week. I'm pretty sure I can say the same for both of the others.

L, however, always had to leave a little earlier than G and me. As a result, G and me spend many hours with just the two of us as well.

Of course, seeing only G and me together so often, people began to suspect things. I remember someone pointing out how often we were together one day and asking me if we were a couple, to which I of course replied no. I also explicitly remember thinking "no, he's really not my type, out of all people I know this the most 'just a friend' that I have, please don't think of us that way". I didn't consider him attractive in any way, and genuinely did not want to be romantically associated with him in the slightest.

He really was just a friend. And all was fine.

Now, a couple of months before last summer vacation at university, there was a period in which I had signed up for different courses than the rest of my class. My courses were full of excursions and even some trips outside of the country, which quite literally left me with zero time to ever meet or even briefly speak with my friends (including L and G). During that time, even though I met many new people, I began missing my old friends terribly; it just felt so isolated, far away from those I used to have around me nearly all day everyday.

So naturally, when those 9 weeks were over and I finally got back to the same classes as everyone else, I was overjoyed to be reunited with them again. I don't think I ever felt that much sudden appreciation for anyone as I did for them that day. But out of everyone, there was one person whose presence made me the absolute happiest. This was G.

And I was so confused. Because the happiness I felt was not the happiness I should feel when seeing 'just' a friend. It was such a sudden, warm and fuzzy feeling, and for a moment made me forget that anyone else existed in the world at all. I was so happy -- too happy. My own reaction had really caught me off guard.

And that's where it all started.

I still didn't consider him attractive, and honestly didn't think I was understanding my own emotions properly. By now, however, I'm pretty sure I figured them out.

I definitely caught feelings for this guy. Feelings that grew stronger over time. The value of my days began to be defined by how often I could see him. I began to appreciate all the little things about him, from the way he spoke to every small gesture he made. And quite frankly, I couldn't handle myself whenever he smiled. Because that too made me happier than it should.

I didn't act on it. I don't think I ever will. Back then I didn't know, but by now, I've tried my best to figure out what he thinks -- and everything about him tells me he sees me as just a friend. It's an absolute dead end.

I take comfort in the fact he's unaware of my feelings, and I'm trying very hard to hide and get rid of them. I don't want them. Firstly, simply because I know he won't reciprocate. It's just going to hurt. And secondly, because I'm fairly certain at this point that L has developed a similar thing for him, and I refuse to put our friendship on the line. L is important to me. This destructive mess that currently is my emotions definitely has the ability to destroy everything, so I'm keeping it safely locked up inside. Even if that means I'm getting my heart torn up every time I see her talking to him, believing she's hoping for the exact thing I deeply wish will never happen.

Under normal circumstances, however much I don't want to, I'd force myself to break contact with G. But this time, I sincerely can't. Our class, and thus our friend group, will only stick together for four more weeks from now before we permanently split ways. I remember how I felt in the period I was apart from everyone else, and I want to cherish these last weeks with everyone while I still can. Make them the best they can be, to make every moment with my friends count. And that includes G.

Because he's always been a part of it. For me, and for everyone else. Whenever I go to see any of my friends, G is there as well. And in five weeks from now, when the whole group is seperated, our only way to stay in touch will be by actively meeting up and planning things outside of school. And as always, G will be there. I know he'll be.

My only way to avoid him would be by avoiding all of my friends. By avoiding everyone. And I honestly can't bear the thought of leaving the people I care so much about for some sort of stupid issue I have with one individual person. They are always there with me. Always there for me. They are 90% of what's important in my life and if I let our contact die out, part of me would honestly die with it.

But I can't continue trying to hold back tears every evening, telling myself it'll be better tomorrow. I care about G. I care so incredibly much about him. I'm concerned for my friendship with L. I'm concerned the whole group won't be the same if the truth gets out. But until it does get out, I won't have any definitive, permanent answer to end this. Even if I practically already know what the answer will be. I'll keep wondering. I'll keep hoping. Hoping for something that will never happen.

I've already decided that we've had our last activity with the three of us together (L, G, me). I'm no longer going to be joining anything with both of them at the same time. The risks are too high and the pain is too much. It hurts knowing that with this decision, these careless evenings of just talking, playing games, or watching movies at each others' places are now permanently over. I'll miss them. We've been doing this for one and a half year, almost weekly, and perhaps ending that so suddenly hurts most of all. But I can't do it anymore.

I know I should also avoid meeting up with G individually. And if possible, minimise contact with him when I'm with the rest of the group. But I'll be honest -- I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I'm strong enough to really one-sidedly break what has always been a solid friendship. Because underneath all those messy feelings, in the end, we have been good friends for so long. Spent so much time together. If only I could get rid of said feelings, we'd just be on great terms like we've always been, and nothing would be lost. And that's something I deep down keep holding onto. I don't want to feel this way about him, but I do want him as a friend. He's done nothing, absolutely nothing wrong, and it feels terrible to make it appear that way.

And on top of that, I don't want it to be apparent that I'm avoiding him. I don't want to create difficulties within the friend group, or make him -- and quite possibly L as well -- aware of what I'm feeling in any sort of way.

Regaring L, I'm also not certain where to go from here. Maybe I should just be upfront and honest about everything. I trust her, and I know she trusts me, and I don't want this to be a "behind her back" kind of thing. I don't want to see her as a rival in this. I want to let that go, let her know what's going on, and discuss the matter with her rather than keeping everything to myself and pretending none of this has anything to do with her. It feels awful. I'm practically lying to her and if this ever impulsively comes out the wrong way, which I'm afraid might happen sooner or later, the consequences might be so much worse.

But at the same time, she might start seeing me as a rival once she knows what's going on. Similarly, I don't want to make her feel like I'm only discussing it to "let her know she needs to stay away". Obviously seeing them interact in any way shape or form hurts me at this point, but I'm in no position to ask her to stop doing that.

I just.. I guess I just want to talk things through with her. Communicate to solve this mess. But perhaps it'll just make things worse.

Please.. let me know what you would do. What you think about the situation.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm at risk of losing G, L, and worst case scenario, everyone else. I'm at a complete loss and I can't deal with myself right now.

I wish I could find a way to revert my feelings to what they were previously. Turn back time to the fun days we all had together, instead of whatever wreck this is. If only G could have remained the 'just a friend' that I was so certain he was one year ago..

You said you tried everything, did you try talking to him directly about the way you feel? If it was me I would make it known, unless you have communicated clearly and directly with him you can’t be sure how he feels. If he does see you as a friend then it is what it is, but to me not expressing your feelings until it too late and then wondering what if would be a big regret. And imo it’s somewhat rare to find someone you feel that way about. Just my 2 cents...

You weren't attracted to him for so long, so the romantic chemistry wasn't there from the get-go. It's likely if you did get together, when the newness of the relationship wore off, you might be back to no longer feeling chemistry.

Male/female close friendships are normal at your age. Just know that most of the time, those friendships have an expiration date as they presently exist. He will eventually enter into a romantic relationship, and his new squeeze might not welcome a best friend of his of the opposite sex, and so you will likely get put on the back burner, with the friendship lessening or totally fading away. That's reality, something to expect, and totally normal.

It just might make you feel better to know that it's normal for friendships to evolve. Some grow and last a lifetime. Some last a lifetime but change because of people moving away and marrying or not marrying and having kids or not having kids. Some end or change to not being so close.

You're entering a watershed moment where you and your friends are entering a new phase in life. Do what's best for yourself. If something is stressing you out, then yes, avoid the situation or change how you interact in within the group. If your girlfriend is such a great friend, why can't you ask her if she's into your guy friend? Don't you two talk about major stuff like that?

I, myself, don't give people labels like "best friends," because I well know that life brings constant changes and with labels like that, you're more prone to disappointment when the friendship evolves into something different.

My advice is to try and relax your tension. Enjoy your friends and start thinking of them as people who are presently great companions, and over time you will see who puts in effort and who drifts away, and you will be okay regardless. I'd also see the guy as someone who isn't meant to be in your life forever, but met your needs at a youthful point in your life, but your future belongs to another romantic interest. Change is always stressful, but think of yourself as a survivor and this is just one in a lifetime of hurdles you will successfully jump over.

You have no idea of what your feelings are.

if a guy is interested in someone and they know eachother (not a stranger), he will ask her out. He hasn't made any moves to let you know that he is interested in being more than a friend.

So there are those two things.

I would not drop L as a friend because you like G right now.

I remember myself at that age, and honestly, i think part of it has to do with your recent absence and part to do is hormones. I am not saying that in a derogatory way. I was 19 once and remember finding interest in guys that I just couldn't rationalize at the time - and my interest would shift it seemed every few weeks or months to someone else (none that i acted on). Actually, i remember an "imagined rivalry" in my head about another girl that i perceived to like the same guy (who had no idea i liked him and had no interest in me). I think because you still don't find him attractive in the slightest, you should not make any confessions to him. Just sit tight - i would still hang out with your friends. If its just infatuation -- your feelings will pass in a bit - you will be reminded of the reasons why you didn't want to date him in the first place and will feel the cold bucket of water over your head .

But if something changes and he asks you out -- then that's a different matter.

But here is one question - if you still don't find him attractive, why would you want to pursue him -- i mean -- can you imagine if he tried to kiss you --- and you would want to date him but would be turned off by that because you don't have physical attraction?

I always say give a great guy who might not be completely your type a chance, but if you already ruled him out and he is not interested in you...well....

Apologies for getting back to this so late -- last week's been very chaotic, and I haven't really found the time to sit down and write previously.

Hoping my replies won't turn out too long..

You said you tried everything, did you try talking to him directly about the way you feel? If it was me I would make it known, unless you have communicated clearly and directly with him you can’t be sure how he feels. If he does see you as a friend then it is what it is, but to me not expressing your feelings until it too late and then wondering what if would be a big regret. And imo it’s somewhat rare to find someone you feel that way about. Just my 2 cents...

Yes.. I definitely agree. I'm just very afraid to communicate it to him directly. He clearly enjoys being around me, frequently initiates contact and often invites me over to his place, but he's giving me plenty of signs it's nothing more than friendship. Admittedly, he's the kind of person who just doesn't really seem to be searching for romantic relationships in general. Really just does his own thing, enjoys spending time at home, doesn't chase after anyone in the slightest -- if I'm not mistaken, he's never even had any romantic relationships at all.

The way he treats me is no different from how he treats his other friends, and this -- to me -- is just evidence of that being exactly what I am to him. Another friend. He's simply not looking for more.

Of course that's just my own conclusion, and admittedly, it is impossible to draw a conclusion without hearing it from him directly. I might be very wrong.

To be fair, that's the very reason I can't let this go. It's why, no matter how much I tell myself to stop focusing on him and enjoy the last weeks of university together with everyone, I keep drawing back to him, hoping every little smile he shoots me means something more. Because I haven't heard a solid no, even though I already believe that would be the most likely answer. I haven't had it confirmed. And it's killing me.

Part of me does want to ask him for that reason, just to finally get this over with.. but I really feel the chances are so low, and the stakes are so high. I'm afraid I'll permanently derail our friendship, causing an awkward atmosphere whenever we're in the same room, potentially resulting in the friend group splitting up or not getting together with us anymore. I risk complicating things with him and everyone else in the process. And given the circumstances, it might be a point of no return.

I'm just really scared of it.

You weren't attracted to him for so long, so the romantic chemistry wasn't there from the get-go. It's likely if you did get together, when the newness of the relationship wore off, you might be back to no longer feeling chemistry.

 

Male/female close friendships are normal at your age. Just know that most of the time, those friendships have an expiration date as they presently exist. He will eventually enter into a romantic relationship, and his new squeeze might not welcome a best friend of his of the opposite sex, and so you will likely get put on the back burner, with the friendship lessening or totally fading away. That's reality, something to expect, and totally normal.

 

It just might make you feel better to know that it's normal for friendships to evolve. Some grow and last a lifetime. Some last a lifetime but change because of people moving away and marrying or not marrying and having kids or not having kids. Some end or change to not being so close.

 

You're entering a watershed moment where you and your friends are entering a new phase in life. Do what's best for yourself. If something is stressing you out, then yes, avoid the situation or change how you interact in within the group. If your girlfriend is such a great friend, why can't you ask her if she's into your guy friend? Don't you two talk about major stuff like that?

We definitely talk about these kind of things -- I however catch myself being afraid to bring up this particular guy. I intended to more than once, but we're both great friends with him, and I tend to chicken out.

Last week though, she and I actually had dinner together, and conveniently ended up talking about relationships all evening. We discussed many guys, including him at one point; and again, I was afraid to mention anything about my feelings for him. I think part of me subconsciously believes that so long as the truth isn't out there, it won't actually harm anyone -- but I know that's a stupid way to see it.

From her side, she told me she's currently really hoping to find a relationship, but all in all, she didn't seem to be very interested in G. Which one hundred percent conflicts with the signs I've been seeing (and apparently I wasn't the only one, as one of our mutual friends jokingly commented on her behaviour towards him as well, and how 'clearly she was into him'. It was a joke though, so I'm not sure how seriously I should take it.)

Now, I'm trying to see this objectively. I know people tend to see threats where there aren't any regarding things they care about. And her answer made me think that perhaps that's exactly what was happening here, too. However, knowing how I've been keeping my feelings hidden from the outside world, part of me fears she's in a similar situation and just prefers to keep it to herself. After all.. the aforementioned joke wouldn't have been made if there was nothing to prompt it.

Then again, I don't want to assume she's dishonest about anything -- she's a great friend and an honest person. She didn't seem interested in him and I have no reason to assume that's not true. Maybe I'm just looking too much into this.

I, myself, don't give people labels like "best friends," because I well know that life brings constant changes and with labels like that, you're more prone to disappointment when the friendship evolves into something different.

 

My advice is to try and relax your tension. Enjoy your friends and start thinking of them as people who are presently great companions, and over time you will see who puts in effort and who drifts away, and you will be okay regardless. I'd also see the guy as someone who isn't meant to be in your life forever, but met your needs at a youthful point in your life, but your future belongs to another romantic interest. Change is always stressful, but think of yourself as a survivor and this is just one in a lifetime of hurdles you will successfully jump over.

Yes.. you're right. It's sad to realise this, but I think it's something I needed to hear and understand. To be fair, deep down I just want my friends to stay. I want these friendships to last, instead of replacing them with new ones over and over every time life moves on to the next phase.. but I suppose it's just not realistic.

Recently, I heard the average amount adults see friends on a yearly base is fourteen times. That number scared me. It honestly scared me so much. Maybe that's why I'm really dreading the change that's about to hit us.

You have no idea of what your feelings are.

 

if a guy is interested in someone and they know eachother (not a stranger), he will ask her out. He hasn't made any moves to let you know that he is interested in being more than a friend.

 

So there are those two things.

 

I would not drop L as a friend because you like G right now.

 

I remember myself at that age, and honestly, i think part of it has to do with your recent absence and part to do is hormones. I am not saying that in a derogatory way. I was 19 once and remember finding interest in guys that I just couldn't rationalize at the time - and my interest would shift it seemed every few weeks or months to someone else (none that i acted on). Actually, i remember an "imagined rivalry" in my head about another girl that i perceived to like the same guy (who had no idea i liked him and had no interest in me). I think because you still don't find him attractive in the slightest, you should not make any confessions to him. Just sit tight - i would still hang out with your friends. If its just infatuation -- your feelings will pass in a bit - you will be reminded of the reasons why you didn't want to date him in the first place and will feel the cold bucket of water over your head .

This actually really helps to hear. I'm trying my hardest to see him as just a friend again, and hearing from someone else that a relationship likely wouldn't work serves as a bit of support in that. I know it's just a prediction and not a guaranteed outcome, but it gives me confidence in my decision to not take the risk. It helps combating all the "what ifs" and the pain that comes with them. And unless, indeed, something changes, it's really a matter of just letting these what ifs go.

I've been in a couple of previous relationships with people I didn't directly feel physically attracted to. It was the emotional connection that eventually made me feel things for them, not unlike what I'm feeling right now. Needless to say, none of these relationships lasted, so I'm trying my hardest to use that as a comparison and reason to myself I shouldn't take this in the same direction.

It's just difficult. I'm hoping I can stick to this reasoning until somehow my feelings pass.

But if something changes and he asks you out -- then that's a different matter.

 

But here is one question - if you still don't find him attractive, why would you want to pursue him -- i mean -- can you imagine if he tried to kiss you --- and you would want to date him but would be turned off by that because you don't have physical attraction?

 

I always say give a great guy who might not be completely your type a chance, but if you already ruled him out and he is not interested in you...well....

Yeah.. that's the weird thing. It makes zero sense logically. I so explicitly remember that moment in which I was so certain he wasn't and never would be my type. I really didn't consider him handsome. Still didn't when I began feeling things. But now, I strangely find myself doubting that.

It's the exact same guy, the exact same face.. I'm looking at literally the exact same thing. Yet somehow, it's as though I'm starting to appreciate what he looks like, apart from my preferences altogether. He's not handsome in the way I would define handsome, but at the same time, it's his particular smile, his particular eyes, everything about him specifically -- I don't get the same feeling with any of my other guy friends who I would define as handsome. And I wouldn't want him to look more like them, either.

I've even been dating a guy in the summer vacation (the aforementioned previous thread) who was 100% everything I could ever ask for regarding looks -- handsome two hundred percent -- but when university started again and I saw G even once, he completely overtook my mind again instead. And I really can't explain it.

But admittedly, perhaps this too is just something I've tricked myself into thinking. Because I too believe I have no idea what exactly my feelings are.

I've so long thought I was just imagining it. At this point, it's simply had so much emotional impact on me that I figured it couldn't be anything else, but I'm confused. I'm over-analyzing. It's such a weird mess now.