Have I messed things up? Would really appreciate advice?

I feel awful. I’ve been seeing a guy a like for about 5/6 weeks. We are both late 20s. I went round to his house the other night which started off great but ended terribly as I was in a quiet pensive mood. Reason being it was my mums first anniversary of death this week and I had just been to the hospice where she was to donate money and it triggered memories. He is aware of this. I became so quiet and withdrawn he asked me numerous times what was wrong and it was obvious I had something on my mind. I told him I was ok as I didn’t want to discuss but I was cold to him as I was uninterested in “being intimate”. I apologised before we went to sleep and he said we all have those days. I text him last night to apologise once again and explain so he wouldn’t think it was him but he never replied so now I’m worried I have messed things up and pushed him away. So I’m looking for advice and opinions. Could I have pushed him away by acting like this?

I suppose it's possible that you've pushed him away, but you can't really do much more than you've already done to rectify it. You apologized and explained. It's up to him now. How long has it been since you sent him that message?

For what it's worth, many people who haven't had the misfortune of losing a very close loved one are not sure how to respond to the bereaved. They might take it personally when the grieving person is emotionally shutting down or wants to be alone, simply because they haven't been in your shoes to understand that it's not about them. It's understandable that you were sad, and I'm very sorry for your loss. This man might be simply be uncertain where to go from here.

Having said that, have you had any sort of counseling or other support to help you cope with your loss? It's such a traumatic event that we sometimes need the guidance of a third party to help us navigate the triggers and ensuing painful emotions. Many years ago, I lost a boyfriend to an accident, the circumstances of which were particularly difficult and tragic. I had grief counselling for a while thereafter, and it helped me tremendously. It was nearly 20 years ago, but I still rely on the techniques of that lovely therapist when faced with loss or when the occasional trigger related to my ex's death crops up unexpectedly. If you haven't gone this route already, you might find it very beneficial too. I hope you feel better soon.

I do attend counselling and have a brilliant counsellor. I actually only seen her that day.

The thing is this guy only experience a similar family loss a few months before mine so should understand how I felt. I feel I have done all I can at this point. I do feel awful about being so cold to him and pushing him away but I hope giving his experience he will understand this once off occurrence giving the week that was in it.

Am I in any way right in saying that if he genuinely liked me and the way things were going, that he wouldn’t just dismiss the past few weeks and walk away over that? Or is he right to go after my sh&@€ behaviour?

Sorry to hear this. Do not over-explain things then text to over-explain even more. He said he understood and that is fine, he's not your therapist. If you are not up for a date and would prefer to be alone/reflect, it's better to cancel than to act like this. Learn to communicate appropriately.

Also quit the passive-aggressive silent treatment with "I'm fine" when obviously something is wrong and someone sincerely asks. Why can't you be honest rather than backpedal with excess explanations and apologies?

I told him I was ok as I didn’t want to discuss but I was cold to him as I was uninterested in “being intimate”. I apologised before we went to sleep and he said we all have those days. I text him last night to apologise once again and explain so he wouldn’t think it was him but he never replied now I’m worried I have messed things up and pushed him away. So I’m looking for advice and opinions. Could I have pushed him away by acting like this?

I didn’t over explain I explained the following day and did not go in to details. I did not go in feeling like this either I went to the hospice before his house which brought on the emotions. I agree the passive aggressiveness was idiotic.

Does it sound like I’ve messed things up or is there a chance he’ll understand?

As asked earlier if he genuinely liked me and all was well before this is there a chance he’ll let it go?

I am really sorry about your mother and the memories. And there is a point where it's unfair to subject someone else to that especially a new person by acting cold/pushing him away. The apology is great and sometimes when a relationship is so new the person doesn't have enough to compare it to. Also, even though he had a loss everyone experiences grief and grieves differently including how they interact with other people. When I was in my 20s I was dating a guy in his 20s. It was supposed to be our 3rd or 4th date and he canceled same day- he said he was feeling down/depressed and wouldn't be good company. I don't remember if he wanted to talk about it or not (I think it was work/career-related and not a death in the family). I was not happy at the last minute cancellation but it was far far better than if he had seen me and not been up for going out. There is an element of responsibility here. Yes, crises happen with bad timing but here you knew that there was a chance the anniversary would be hard on you so you have to prepare for these things and try not to subject the people around you to your moods if at all possible. Or if it comes over you you politely make your exit, reassuring the person that it is not about them.

So in other words there’s a very high probability I have messed things up and he’s ran for the hills?

Important things should never be discussed over text. You should have called him. Nobody has a crystal ball to know if he will move on with you or not. If he doesn't, the only thing you can do is learn from your mistakes so that you will have a better outcome in a future relationship.

So in other words there’s a very high probability I have messed things up and he’s ran for the hills?

Not high -it depends on his tolerance level and again it's really early on so some people decide just to cut their losses, maybe he dealt with this kind of thing a lot with an ex and just can't see going down that path again, etc. You chose not to respond to him "numerous times" and it is good that you apologized and I didn't realize it was over text. Yes, you should have called. Live and learn. Also I'm not sure why it surprises you as far as "could I have pushed him away" -how would you like it if someone was at your house for hours and behaved that way? Meaning after numerous times you couldn't explain to him briefly what was going on and then taken the responsibility to leave if you were not going to be good company?

All you can do is wait and see if he contacts you again since your last text. Do not text him again. It's best to understand yourself enough to have a handle on your emotions.

For example, why schedule the hospice visit and a date with someone new back-to-back? Then show up moody and giving the silent treatment. You don't have to have sex on every date you don't owe him that and it was weird to apologize for that.

A simple, "had a hard day can we reschedule?" or go and say, "had a hard day so just want to relax and cuddle". Act like a real person with real emotions. Keep it simple.

I went to the hospice before his house which brought on the emotions.

No, you didn't commit some big sin, but unfortunately, you two are still quite new and in the first impressions stage where this could very understandably turn someone off. I've suffered a significant loss, so it's not without empathy that I echo Batya's point of it being unfair to put him in position to deal with your inconsolable brooding so soon. On certain days, I even give my wife a kiss and tell her, "Hey, today's probably gonna be one of those days I'm a recluse downstairs with the Playstation." I don't camp out next to her, knowing I'm going to remain upset and serve little more purpose than bringing her down with me. I understand this is only the first anniversary, but it's important to, when possible, anticipate your emotional threshold and to employ self-care which doesn't come at the expense of others.

That aside, you previously texting things like "do you genuinely like me?" and then sending emotional texts going into difficult topics to explain your behavior rather than simply acknowledging you probably should have known it'd be a bad week to go on a date very likely has him evaluating his own threshold for drama. And I don't know if there aren't other tidbits of emotional vulnerability or insecurity you haven't divulged to us.

To very mildly disagree with a couple folks, choosing to still go on the date obviously aside, I don't think the mistake lies with texting rather than calling. I wouldn't kick yourself there. I'm not sure it'd be any easier for him to come up with something to say if it'd been a phone call. Likely more difficult. A text (or call) would have been fine if you'd briefly apologized and acknowledged you should have known it would be a bad week to date, immediately following it with an offer to take him out for pizza and beer next Friday. But simply rehashing the night and the dark subject behind your bad mood does little-to-nothing in terms of a conclusion or assurance this wouldn't be a repeat event. He reads or hears that, and I'm sure he's thinking, "Okay... so it looks like her coming over and being depressed would just be a thing that happens."

if it takes only one time of you having an off day (which by the way was completely understandable) and he leaves due to that??!! He isn't the guy for you and he doesn't care about you like he should.

Just to confirm I did not ask him if he genuinely cares and I also just dropped In the money on the way as it’s near his house and would save me a trip. I tried to keep the text light hearted I made a joke about my work that day then apologised and explained it was because Of my mum and acknowledged it wasn’t fair on him the way I acted. I then told him to have a good day today as I know he is away with friends and excited about it, I didn’t come across all Doom and gloom

Well that’s what I was hoping but other posters think here it’s a perfect excuse for him to run

I agree with Sherry. If one day of you being a bit off was enough to send him running then he’s not really the kind of guy you want to be with anyway. People go through hard times. Yes maybe it was a bit soon for such an emotional situation to come up, but by now he should know your status quo. Meaning that this was just one of those days and not your general mood. If he does run it may mean that he’s not able to deal with emotional situations well, and does not reflect poorly on you. Your mood was completely justified and yes maybe not very pleasant to be around, but being in a relationship means being there through the good and bad.

Well that’s what I was hoping but other posters think here it’s a perfect excuse for him to run

No, I didn't write that at all. I can understand his perspective. You're allowed to have an off day even early on. The way you treated him though went to an extreme IMO from all I can read and thus I can understand if he is thinking things over and decides it is a red flag for him.

Extreme? How?

Just to confirm I did not ask him if he genuinely cares and I also just dropped In the money on the way as it’s near his house and would save me a trip. I tried to keep the text light hearted I made a joke about my work that day then apologised and explained it was because Of my mum and acknowledged it wasn’t fair on him the way I acted. I then told him to have a good day today as I know he is away with friends and excited about it, I didn’t come across all Doom and gloom

Regardless, he doesn't have to "genuinely" like you after a single month. And even if he were over the moon, I think people aren't fully contextualizing how strange and off-putting it would be for someone you've barely gotten to know to come by in a funk, say close to nothing for however many hours, and proceed to (I assume) sleep in their bed. It wasn't just some awkwardly silent 30-minute dinner date at Applebee's. He was very likely made very uncomfortable in his own home. I gotta again echo Batya in that it's definitely more toward the extreme end. Ideally, you'd have canceled. But how you never thought to excuse yourself at any point during is a bit difficult for me to understand.

No one could blame you for having a bad night, especially given the circumstances. But this was quite an intrusive way to have one. If you are determined to see if there's any fuel left, I wouldn't put the onus on him to be the one to pick things back up after the incident. You've said your peace and apologized. Give it a couple more days to see if he gets back to you, and after that point, if you're willing and able to risk a rejection, come up with something fun you two could go out for. Up to you.

All you can do is wait and see if he contacts you/responds.

I text him last night to apologise once again and explain so he wouldn’t think it was him but he never replied

Just to confirm I did not ask him if he genuinely cares and I also just dropped In the money on the way as it’s near his house and would save me a trip. I tried to keep the text light hearted I made a joke about my work that day then apologised and explained it was because Of my mum and acknowledged it wasn’t fair on him the way I acted. I then told him to have a good day today as I know he is away with friends and excited about it, I didn’t come across all Doom and gloom

No, I don't think you ran him off as such or messed up so bad or whatever. Don't be so hard on yourself. Also, you mention that he is away with friends? So maybe expect low contact since he is off and busy and don't make it about yourself and some misplaced guilt....

If one off day runs him off, quite frankly you haven't lost anyone of value and he was already three feet out the door regardless.

Extreme? How?

To me it is extreme not to respond to numerous inquiries about what is going on with you, to act cold and push away someone when you are in his home and supposed to sleep over - to me that is extreme. He couldn't leave his own house -had you been at a public place at least he could have ended the date but what is he supposed to do -ask you to leave knowing that your mother died a year ago? And yet it doesn't seem at all that he knew that it was just about that because you wouldn't respond and acted cold and pushed him away. totally no issue if you weren't in the mood for sex - especially if you told him why. Again it's my personal opinion.

In my 30s I dated a seemingly Mr. Wonderful for 2 months. He invited me to spend NYE with his parents. Dinner and a comedy show. Then he was supposed to sleep over and we'd meet his parents for brunch the next day. First time meeting them. Lovely people. And he decided to drink too much, to get drunk. We each had some champagne and other than him we were not even close to tipsy. As he drank he got quite, morose and rude to me -cold, ignoring me, negative vibe. I tried to figure things out and he dismissed me- no response. His parents continued to be lovely. After the show I wasn't sure what to do -should I disinvite him to my house? Awkward. So we took public transportation to my home and when he walked in right before midnight on NYE he was still acting cold and like a jerk. I think we both decided he should leave but I think I initiated it. He was drunk. I didn't want him in my home let alone to stay over. And he could get home easily and safely by taxi. No cars involved. So he left.

And the next day blew me off for brunch and called with an apology after that time, that day -with no real explanation, no real interest in wanting to give me a full explanation. I don't think I took the call or if I did it was more of a perfunctory "thanks for calling". I was done. Yes, Mr. Wonderful for 2 months but if he could choose to get drunk and choose to treat me that way and then stand me up for brunch I was done. It undid the Wonderful part. And yes his grandmother had passed away the week before. I'd been supportive and he was upset. And he never ever told me that he was still upset, never told me that was why he got drunk (he also was unemployed I believe) and his apology was basically sorry for being a jerk.

An "off day" - fine. But not all "off days" are created equal. And I knew I deserved better and was not going to risk another situation like that. The victim was me - and your new date was a victim of your behavior - and you kind of take the victim as you find them. He reached out to you many times in his home that night to be supportive to try to help and you rebuffed him and pushed him away. Yes, if he'd given you another chance I wouldn't fault him at all - you weren't outright abusive, I get it - but I also understand why he might see red flags.

Yeah, better you learn this now about him than later. If he's insensitive at the beginning of a relationship, this will only get worse with time.

I'm sorry about the loss of your mom.

If he cannot understand how you were feeling, then he is not the right guy for you. It has been a little over a month. There isn't much of an investment here.

Much of an investment on his part or mine? I dont understand that statement

I agree if he was insensitive then better know that now. So if you’d told him why and asked him please to cut you slack if you seemed distant or asked him if he’d prefer to reschedule since you couldn’t be good company and he could not understand that then yes he’s not going to be a good partner for you. I cannot imagine how painful it is to lose your mother. And from all you wrote it seemed that you shut him down and shut him out and pushed him away and all while you were a guest in his home. Should he accept your apologies - he should respond in some way because now you’ve told him why. But I think he also has to consider whether he’s ok with you dealing with emotional issues by not responding to his inquiries and shutting him out and pushing him away - that’s a lot you’re asking of him.