Dating single mother, advice about finances

I am a 30 year old male and she is a 43 year old female with 3 children 11,14,17 years old(another father 50/50 custody). We have been dating 2 years and began discussing finances. I am getting nervous about the current situation we are in. She and I both make 60,000 a year, with a combined total of 120,000. I have no debt besides a mortgage, and she only has 30,000 in student loans. She has no savings, and just started saving for retirement. What puts 5% away a month, with a nest egg of 5,000. She is far behind in retirement but has the potential to contribute more if she picks up extra shifts. We both work in hospitals, 12 hours days, three days a week.

I’m nervous because I feel like this is not going in a positive direction in the long term. I envisioned a different life in my 30s and want to vacation, spend time with my partner, save for activities, and possibly move to a different state. I feel like we loose out on time together because of competing priorities, her kids are her life, and I get that, they should be. But with her working extra shifts and only having days off when the kids are home I feel like I’m loosing out on that part of our relationship. I get worried because I feel she is financially dependent on me right now. I make up for our difference in expenses with my income, and I feel like I’m missing opportunities to do the vacationing and life goals I wanted to accomplish.

I guess I’m just at a loss with how I’m feeling at the moment. Looking for advice or wisdom from others out there. The age gap worries me as we look at our 50s-60s and our life goals when comparing it to our retirement savings. She is a great partner but with financial issue ways heavy on me. And if she works more then I don’t see her more. She currently needs 900 a month to not be dependent on my income.

The fact that you're now seeing more negatives than positives, and you can envision a happy life without her, means it's time to end things. You can't stay with someone just because they can't afford the bills without you. People can always find a way to downsize and work it out if necessary. With life experience, you now see the realities of what you want in a partner, so use that knowledge wisely in choosing future dating prospects.

Well it is true, you're compromising your life to suit hers. She has lived her life, had the marriage, the children, doing what she wants and so on.

Now you come into her life, you've had none of it, but are making choices depending on where she is in life...not you.

You are essentially getting the short end of the stick and are losing out on valuable life experiences due to her.

This issue is far more than finances. You're selling your life short and will lose you on your own life if you continue making decisions based on her life.

This is typically the problem age gap relationships run into.

The younger one ends up compromising having their own life and losing out in order to live as the older one does.

It really is up to you, but as time goes by, you will see more and more how she has had her life and you haven't.

Thanks for the advice. I tried to only list what I have on my mind that’s weighing me down at the moment. There are plenty of positives in the relationship, I do appreciate the candor. An outside perspective is what I need. I will think more about what you have said and my feeling on the situation.

The age difference and the three kids deal you knew from the onset, yet you still chose to get involved. Holding these against her now would be unfair imo. No relationship is easy. At some point reality hits. Sounds to me that you are having a kind of "middle life" crises. I know lots of people who get that at 30 and then whoever happens to be their partner gets to be blamed for all that are missing from their life. It was you who made the choice to enter an age gap relationship with someone who had three kids. How was having regular vacations and moving states ever a realistic dream in such a scenario? Next time around don't get with a person whose life is so much misaligned to yours.

Having said the above, she managed without you before you two met, she will manage without you when you leave. She made a serious gumble getting involved with someone like you so the time has come to pay up. She probably always knew that this day was coming. No one forced you to get involved so deep over your head, so holding your choices against her would not be fair. You did not get the wrong end of the stick. You made the very poor choice to get involved with someone who had three kids i.e. increased financial responsibilities. What really went down imo is that the honeymoon hormones have faded for good plus you are hitting the 30 life crises. It's game over. My advice is to break up asap so as not to waste her time and next time around not take on responsibilities you can't uphold. She managed before you. She will manage after you.

She currently needs 900 a month to not be dependent on my income.

I'm going to give you some really good advice, so please pay attention. This is all your fault, and I think this pattern will happen in future relationships as well because of your nature.

No one said you had to pay for this women's life style choices, I know plenty of guys who date single mothers and they don't have this problem. The age thing isn't a problem either, the problem is how you managed the relationship up until this point. Giving too much and not knowing when to put your foot down and be in control.

I don't want this to be a sexist thing either because its not, but in my own personal experience people in general will expect things, kids of parents, employees of bosses and of course girlfriends of boyfriends. I have only dated women, so if you are the type of person to give early on in the relationship then it will be expected later. The thing is, you have to know when to say no and not be afraid that saying no means that there's a possibility that the person will walk away.

I'm saying this because I have this same problem when it comes to people. It's really hard to say no especially to the people we love, but sometimes its the best for all parties involved. When you don't say no, it creates co-dependence, ideally you want to be in a relationship that is interdependent.

Personally though, I wouldn't want to come to the end of my life realizing I lived someone else's life, raised someone else's kids, and had my dreams and own experiences destroyed.

Who wouldn't want their own wife (that had never been married before) that would travel with them before settling down, and then having your own baby, going through it with her from day one, building your own life together, etc.

Again, it really is up to you, but it sounds like you're the add on to this current woman's life and not creating your own.

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like you are incompatible on many levels besides retirement accounts. She is at a different life stage and has 3 kids.

You want to be free, travel, have a lot of expendable income, etc, which is more consistent with your life stage. She can't just pick up and travel or move.

Her kids will always be in the picture and come first for quite a few years ahead. That is the real problem, not picking her apart for your perceived issues with her finances. You need a single carefree childless women in your own age-group/life-stage.

I am a 30 year old male and she is a 43 year old female with 3 children. I envisioned a different life in my 30s and want to vacation, spend time with my partner, save for activities, and possibly move to a different state.

Personally though, I wouldn't want to come to the end of my life realizing I lived someone else's life, raised someone else's kids, and had my dreams and own experiences destroyed.

 

Who wouldn't want their own wife (that had never been married before) that would travel with them before settling down, and then having your own baby, going through it with her from day one, building your own life together, etc.

 

Again, it really is up to you, but it sounds like you're the add on to this current woman's life and not creating your own.

I agree with Sherry, you are short changing yourself.

In her 40s and divorced or never married with 3 kids -- i don't think that you should penalize her for not having a retirement fund. if she was a single mom for any of that time (i differentiate this from a divorced mom), she could have not been able to save because all of her money went to keeping her kids alive and clothed. If the only issue was that she had no retirement and she was working, not just sitting around, I would not lose someone over that. It sounds like she is working hard.

what is troubling is if you are already "in a situation you are in" as in any parts of your household or finances are combined.

I won't fault you for being with someone with kids --- i think its great -- some men prefer to adopt or be a step dad -- but do you really want to be long term with a woman who can't have additional kids if you want more? i mean, she could have another one now, but in a few years when you decide to marry, maybe not.

In a few years, the age diffrence is going to be even more dramatic between the two of you--- just stuff to consider. I do think you are shortchanging yourself, but i also don't think SHE is a bad person -- she has an income that more than provides for her kids etc -- she might just not be the one for you

... and this is what happens in mid life. Most divorced parents split when their kids were 9 years old or younger.

My bf is kidless and 10 years younger. He has the same problem you have with respect to seeing me. All of my time is claimed, and there is a waiting list for time when my time frees up. If he is with me, it is at the expense of something else, something important and / or foundational. It is just how it is.

He has decided to make it work for him by turning to his own home projects, investing in his athletic pursuits, and ramping back up his networking for a possible career tweak.

We make little moments pay off big. I drop something off when he is not home, as a surprise. He visits me at lunch.

Just now I cancelled our plans for tomorrow. He said, oh good I can get stuff done. Rather, I said my kid needs me and he said oh good do that... it works for me too.

You have to want to turn toward each other and you have to help her make her kids #1. If that doesn't please you, if it is only tolerable, then this is not the life for you.

Mine wishes to have birthed his own (ha, you know what I mean). He is finding his way to discover new roads for him. Having been through divorce, and having some of the easiest kids to parent, I conclude that being with the right partner is more important than having kids with the wrong one l.

It comes down to what you want, and whether you accept the responsibility it requires. You don't have to. But if you accept it, you have to want to.