Dating a single father...but cant tell if he serious??

So, I been dating this man for over six months. He has his 15 years sone with him everyday, and then his daughter with him friday-sunday. We have said I love you at the four months mark, and last week we had a mini getaway together just to wisconsin. He had a work thing, and asked me to go with him so we can spend the weekend today. That was our first trip together.

My concern is, although we have slept together ( when his kids are not around) he has not asked me to spend the night or meet his kids. He talks with me everyday, and often put me on speakerphone so his kids can hear our conversation, but has never formally introduced me to his kids. IT has been over 6 months, I have never spent the night at his house or formally met his kids. I only go to his house when his kids arent there. WE see each other once or twice a week, and often are on the phone everyday. Im not sure if he is serious about me??

Don't know if he's serious about you, but if he's a decent father, he'll be waiting at least another 6 months before introducing you to them. What rush are you in to become a part of incredibly impressionable and emotionally fragile young lives? A responsible parent doesn't introduce their children to their girlfriend or boyfriend. They introduce them to the person who's in the running to be their step-parent. Six months is far too soon for that kind of judgment.

Well, it sounds like he's pretty dang serious. He is expressing love, spending lots of time with you, taking you on trips.

I'm curious: Has he met your friends? Have you met his? Six months is still pretty early, but it's often when people start to get excited (and comfortable) with wanting to intertwine lives a bit more.

Also curious: How long has he been divorced?

Yes, he is creating a boundary between you and a very important part of his life—his children—which understandably makes you feel a bit insecure. But remember that without talking to him, that's math you're creating—i.e. introduction to children = sign of seriousness. Whereas for him that may not be at all how he sees it. He could have all sorts of reasons, and the only way to understand them is to talk about it. Not in an insecure or accusatory manner, but simply driven by love and curiosity.

You love him and you'd love to meet his kids, when he's ready—just put it out there.

I appreciate j.man's take on this. Can't argue with it, and it gives a window into how your boyfriend might be thinking about things. Still, I think it's worth a conversation, if only so you're not creating stories in your head about what this means.

I think every parent has different rules when it comes to what's responsible in this situation. I don't have children myself, so I can't speak from that side. But I grew up with a single mother my whole life. When I was young there was a very hard line drawn with men—I only met potential step-fathers, which is to say I only met one man who was around for years. I'm not sure how long they were together before we met—but, a while. Past "serious" and into "really serious," for sure.

But as I got into adolescence the reigns were loosened a bit. Just as my mother wanted me to be open with her, I wanted the same. I knew she was a single woman in the world, dating, and met some boyfriends. Not some revolving door of men that left me scarred—at least not according to my therapist!

Thank you!

Maybe it just wanting to be closer to him, and knowing those who are important to him.

So, i have not his friends, and he has not met mine. You are right, I would like our lives to be more intertwine. I will take your advice about the communication.

Great, so we've isolated the real issue here, which is not the kids. It's wanting your lives to be more intertwined. So start with what's less complicated—friends! That's easy, and fun. Invite him out for drinks with your friends, suggest a dinner party, express curiosity about that part of his life.

He is being a responsible parent. Thank God.

He is being a responsible parent. Thank God.

Yes, I agree. It seems like he's taking his time in dating you before introducing you to the kids. That's great. It's hard on kids when they get attached to the bf or gf only for there to be a breakup. It's probably best for him to put off meeting them until the relationship is headed towards marriage.

with a divorced dad, he is being sensible. The pace is going slower than if he didn't have kids. I think the pace is going well. I mean, you even went on a trip together. I think its weird if you are on speaker when his kids are there, though.

So, i have not his friends, and he has not met mine. You are right, I would like our lives to be more intertwine. I will take your advice about the communication.

You should not be doing sleepovers when his kids are there. it is also too soon to meet the kids.

There is no excuse for him not introducing you to the friends. Sounds like you are on the periphery of his life. He is not letting you in. I would have a talk. if this does not change, it is time to move on.

Uh, you basically asked this question two months ago at:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=552645

Did you read the responses?

Maybe you need to date a single guy. Where he has full custody of a son and partial custody of a daughter, most of his attention will be on them. You will come in third. You seem really anxious to move in with him and be a mommy, but this is too fast. The 15-year old will know what you are doing with daddy at night. The girl might figure it out too. A divorced parent has to be careful with kids. This is not the typical dating routine. You have to hang in there another 6 months at least.

Uh, you basically asked this question two months ago at:

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=552645

 

Did you read the responses?

 

 

Maybe you need to date a single guy. Where he has full custody of a son and partial custody of a daughter, most of his attention will be on them. You will come in third. You seem really anxious to move in with him and be a mommy, but this is too fast. The 15-year old will know what you are doing with daddy at night. The girl might figure it out too. A divorced parent has to be careful with kids. This is not the typical dating routine. You have to hang in there another 6 months at least.

Are all of your dates still in the bedroom and the gym? Honey, this is no kind of relationship. You sound like a FWB.

You should not be doing sleepovers when his kids are there. it is also too soon to meet the kids.

 

There is no excuse for him not introducing you to the friends. Sounds like you are on the periphery of his life. He is not letting you in. I would have a talk. if this does not change, it is time to move on.

-I would like to be more involved. Since the last couple months, our dates have been more normal like going out to eat, and even doing errands together. WE recently went on a trip together to wisconsin dells.

He's being a responsible parent. He shouldn't be introducing you until he knows it's going to be serious and long term. You can't know that for certain in 6 months and it messes with kids heads to meet a gf/bf who isn't around 6 months later.

Do you go out on proper dates? Taking things slow is always much better than rushing things, 6 months really isn't that long.

Uh, you basically asked this question two months ago at:

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=552645

 

Did you read the responses?

 

Maybe you need to date a single guy. Where he has full custody of a son and partial custody of a daughter, most of his attention will be on them. You will come in third. You seem really anxious to move in with him and be a mommy, but this is too fast. The 15-year old will know what you are doing with daddy at night. The girl might figure it out too. A divorced parent has to be careful with kids. This is not the typical dating routine. You have to hang in there another 6 months at least.

- Thank you! Your right I maybe a little anxious, its not the typical dating routine, and thats why its so mind boggling to me.

Yea dates like going out to eat, or running errands together, or going to the gym, or recently a quick mini getaway but that was more along for his work.

Yes, I agree. It seems like he's taking his time in dating you before introducing you to the kids. That's great. It's hard on kids when they get attached to the bf or gf only for there to be a breakup. It's probably best for him to put off meeting them until the relationship is headed towards marriage.

Towards marriage? My concern is what if I keeps staying with him, and then he makes no point of talking about marriage or the future, or worse he is cheating. The unknown is just so scary. But then again, I have never dated a man with kids before either.

How on earth could he cheat? If he works and has two kids to look after AND is already seeing you,..there's no way. The man has to sleep at some point., lol.

I wouldn't worry about that, however it will take a bit of time to see if he wants a serious long term relationship. Unfortunately to know the answer to that you just need to have patience, not push and enjoy his company for now.

Towards marriage? My concern is what if I keeps staying with him, and then he makes no point of talking about marriage or the future, or worse he is cheating. The unknown is just so scary. But then again, I have never dated a man with kids before either.

i think that’s an issue with any relationship - you never know how serious they are about your and/or marriage until you get to know them, and it takes time to get to know them.

You could be married for 20 years, and someone could cheat. Sounds like you are taking out baggage onto him. Why would he just start cheating?

I think you should just say to him, "I would really love to meet your kids one day. And when you feel comfortable about it." Then you can discuss when it would be a good time down the road.

And, if you really love him, love his kids by respecting that things that time. What is the rush? Do you honestly think because you haven't met his kids, he's going to cheat on you? And if he did cheat, then toss him out! Sometimes it helps to also ask, what did you learn from with your marriage and divorce, and are their things you feel you can work on with ours, or something I should be mindful of?

How on earth could he cheat? If he works and has two kids to look after AND is already seeing you,..there's no way. The man has to sleep at some point., lol.

 

I wouldn't worry about that, however it will take a bit of time to see if he wants a serious long term relationship. Unfortunately to know the answer to that you just need to have patience, not push and enjoy his company for now.

Lol your right!! Sometimes, my mind goes crazy with overthinking. Appreciate your advice!

You could be married for 20 years, and someone could cheat. Sounds like you are taking out baggage onto him. Why would he just start cheating?

 

I think you should just say to him, "I would really love to meet your kids one day. And when you feel comfortable about it." Then you can discuss when it would be a good time down the road.

 

And, if you really love him, love his kids by respecting that things that time. What is the rush? Do you honestly think because you haven't met his kids, he's going to cheat on you? And if he did cheat, then toss him out! Sometimes it helps to also ask, what did you learn from with your marriage and divorce, and are their things you feel you can work on with ours, or something I should be mindful of?

It really helps when another person can see from your point of view, and point out that patience is important. So thank you for that. I will try to communicate that and try not to pressure him about my wants.

Towards marriage? My concern is what if I keeps staying with him, and then he makes no point of talking about marriage or the future, or worse he is cheating. The unknown is just so scary. But then again, I have never dated a man with kids before either.

If you are already projecting way into the future -- he could be picking up on your anxiety and therefore is not moving things forward. I do think that you should set up a situation where your closest friend can meet him fairly soon, maybe by month 8. With the holidays in a few months, i am sure there is an event that you will need a date for and such. He might just reciprocate and introduce you to a friend of his, as well. Don't expect to spend holidays together, yet, though.