HELP don't even recognise my relationship any more

My boyfriend and I have been together 5 years. We have had his and downs but always end up stronger than ever.

 

Anyway, last 2 years have been great. No arguments or anything. He had completely stopped being how he was (selfish, self centred,etc) and actually put us first.

 

Then he gets a new job. I am behind him cheering him on in his success. I have met his co workers and they are "lads". Now he's at the pub all the time, etc. Now I don't care that he's going out but he had this lads weekend booked and was leaving first thing Friday. So Thursday we were relaxing laughing etc then he gets a text they're at the pub so he dashes out. Needless to say I didn't see him until he was back on the Monday.

I was fuming about him just up and leaving at the drop of a text so didn't answer his calls Friday to avoid an argument. He stopped calling and I thought it's fine I'll see him Monday. Get home for. Work on Monday and he's in bed. I ended up at my mum's for 2 nights.

 

I text him to talk Wednesday and we agreed to meet. I go home he's not there he's in the pub. Ended up seeing him he said he went to avoid an argument.

 

He's adamant it's all me being silly and trying to control him. It's not I just think he should try to balance it and not put us second. He's annoyed I didn't call him over the weekend which I understand but if I had he would of just said I was trying to ruin it.

 

Now he's got another trip planned Friday to Monday when we are going on holiday on Monday evening. He's kicking off that again I'm controlling and there's nothing I can do to stop him.

 

I don't know what to do in just over a week our relationship went from fantastic and all I could want to not knowing if we will actually make it.

 

Oh and I found loads of weird videos and photos his friends sent him of girls which his response was it's a group chat he can't control it. He doesn't say anything crude or wrong in the group chat but I can't help thinking who is this boy and where had the love of my life gone??

 

Help and advice needed!

It's not I just think he should try to balance it and not put us second.

So instead of reassuring you and trying to come up with a compromise that you both could live with, he turns it around on you and says this:

He's adamant it's all me being silly and trying to control him.

 

He's not ready to be in a relationship of the committed kind if he's running out the door on you to go see his "lads" the night before he's going to be spending a whole weekend with them.

 

You know this so don't sweep your gut feelings under the rug.

 

Maybe you could come up with a workable compromise that would suit the two of you that he will be willing to adhere to?

He had completely stopped being how he was (selfish, self centred,etc) and actually put us first.

 

He was selfish, self-centered etc. when you met him.

 

The old tale of the scorpion and the frog. It's his nature. To think he'd ever have changed is unrealistic.

Sorry to hear this. Move back to your own home. On/off relationships are on/off because of recurrent unresolved problems. If it's not other girls, now it's lads and so on. The common denominator is he doesn't care and walks all over this sooner or later. Set yourself free for good this time. Why put up with cocky and arrogant when you could have a decent guy in your life?

From a detached perspective, this just kind of looks like two people who don't know how to navigate conflict.

 

Like, rather than let him know that you were hurt and sad that he up and left, you opted to fume. In your fuming his calls went unanswered—so now he's fuming. Two fumers, fuming, small fire breeding medium fire breeding bonfire. So when you actually try to talk there's too much emotion stirred that it's all egos.

 

I think you both could stand to learn how to express what you're feeling, when you're feeling it, and what you need, when you need it. Like, "Hey, I totally support the lads, the pub, and the lads weekends, but it hurt me when you darted off. It makes me feel a neglected, and I wonder if there's a way we can have a bit more balance." Or, from his side, "Hey, these new friends are really important to me."

 

But instead you're now the Controlling Nag and he's Mr. Lads-n-Pub, identities that neither of you much like, so you get defensive and counterproductive.

 

He's got a selfish side—you know this. It's not what you love about him, but it's part of the man you love. If you want to keep things going, you might have to poke him a bit, but not with hostility, so he "sees" you again. Sounds like he was seeing you in a way that satisfied until the new job, the new lads, which got his head up his you know what again.

 

But just be vulnerable and say what you really mean. Which is that you are happy about this friends, but want some more couple time.

 

As for the videos/photos—sounds like pub/lad stuff. No biggie. You're looking for something to feed your anger. Look for something to dissolve it, you know?

 

 

A lot of defensiveness on both sides instead of attempts to see things from the other's point of view with warmth and compassion.

He was selfish, self-centered etc. when you met him.

 

The old tale of the scorpion and the frog. It's his nature. To think he'd ever have changed is unrealistic.

 

And Maya Angelou's "When people show you who they are, believe them... believe them the first time"

From a detached perspective, this just kind of looks like two people who don't know how to navigate conflict.

 

Like, rather than let him know that you were hurt and sad that he up and left, you opted to fume. In your fuming his calls went unanswered—so now he's fuming. Two fumers, fuming, small fire breeding medium fire breeding bonfire. So when you actually try to talk there's too much emotion stirred that it's all egos.

 

I think you both could stand to learn how to express what you're feeling, when you're feeling it, and what you need, when you need it. Like, "Hey, I totally support the lads, the pub, and the lads weekends, but it hurt me when you darted off. It makes me feel a neglected, and I wonder if there's a way we can have a bit more balance." Or, from his side, "Hey, these new friends are really important to me."

 

But instead you're now the Controlling Nag and he's Mr. Lads-n-Pub, identities that neither of you much like, so you get defensive and counterproductive.

 

He's got a selfish side—you know this. It's not what you love about him, but it's part of the man you love. If you want to keep things going, you might have to poke him a bit, but not with hostility, so he "sees" you again. Sounds like he was seeing you in a way that satisfied until the new job, the new lads, which got his head up his you know what again.

 

But just be vulnerable and say what you really mean. Which is that you are happy about this friends, but want some more couple time.

 

As for the videos/photos—sounds like pub/lad stuff. No biggie. You're looking for something to feed your anger. Look for something to dissolve it, you know?

 

 

A lot of defensiveness on both sides instead of attempts to see things from the other's point of view with warmth and compassion.

 

Realist sh*t I've ever read in my life. Great post.

He was selfish, self-centered etc. when you met him.

 

The old tale of the scorpion and the frog. It's his nature. To think he'd ever have changed is unrealistic.

 

I agree.

 

This is done. He sounds like a college kid. he does not value, respect or care about the relationship.

Thank you so much - I agree with what you've said. I do realise ignoring his calls / not calling him back at the time I thought was best thing as it meant we wouldn't argue, he wouldn't say I was trying to ruin his time but really all its done, is made him so angry. The whole thing has escalated to a point where i just feel so awkward which in 5 years i have never felt around him.

Now I feel like I cant even say anything to him as I will just be the 'nag' as you said and trying to control him.

 

I guess ill just let him get on with it, try and talk more openly about how I'm feeling and see how things go.

i cant help but feel him going away Friday to Monday in November then us going to the airport Monday afternoon for a holiday we booked over a year ago is completely crazy. Especially as on this trip he has admitted to not sleeping for more than 4 hours across the whole trip. I get him having never done boys trips is fun and cool and I'm happy for him to do it but.. just before we go away? The crazy thing is he really wants kids and we talk about marriage but now its like he's a teenager again.

So this is what keeps you in this situation? In the past 5 years it's just been on/off move in/move out but no engagement or commitment. Adding marriage and kids to this drinking and partying with the lads and you home fretting would be disastrous. Talking hasn't helped in 5 years, so why would more of that help now? Leopards don't change their spots no matter how much you talk at them.

 

You need to take action, not "talk about feelings" more and more. Right now it's going in one ear and out the other. He doesn't care how you feel because you'll be sitting around and he can prioritize lads and pubs over you. As you know he just turns it on you as an excuse to go out and party more. You need to move out and reclaim your dignity rather than continue being a doormat and condoning being treated like the' old bag and nag at home', while he's out enjoying himself in pubs.

The crazy thing is he really wants kids and we talk about marriage but now its like he's a teenager again.

Hi Wiseman2, I know I said we have had ups and downs but we haven't been on/ off again and I never moved out this is thr frist time I ever stayed at my mums because I needed some space.

I don't really want to give up a 5 year relationship for what could just be something that is mostly about him learning to balance.

 

I understand from my actions this has escalated from me being frustrated from his action to whatever this is now. I don't want to make any rash decisions especially since we are currently in the eye of the storm. I do agree kids and marriage isn't what is needed right now. What we do need is compromise and us both to continue putting effort into our relationship but also have friends outside of the relationship. I love him but I am aware I cant change him. I think Bluecastle is right sometimes I need to take my own feeling out of the equation and look from both points of view and just from my own.

 

I don't know if itll all just end in tears anyway but I gotta try right

But does that mean "hey on on way out with the lads to the pub..."? because he's not going to compromise. If you "take your feelings out of the equation", does that mean becoming numb and so you can stuff your instincts down in order to keep him?

is mostly about him learning to balance. What we do need is compromise and us both to continue putting effort into our relationship