Conflicting Feelings for Lover/Friend

Hello,

I will try to make this a brief post. I met this man from a mutual friend almost a year ago. I was attracted to him, but had no idea what to say to him during the time. So after that night, there was no contact. Fast forward a year later, he sends me a message via Facebook. He was looking for volunteers in the community and he wanted to talk to me to see if I would be a good fit. We agreed to meet over sushi and we briefly talked about volunteer work before we drifted off into what interested us. He was as attractive as when I first met him and the conversation was on point.

After meeting up, we started to spend a lot of time together just hanging out. Grabbing a drink here and there. We discussed dating and we're both on the same page. During this stage in our lives we're both trying to get to the next level. We're not looking for something serious. I'm not the dating type so I solidly agreed with him. The next night we hung out, he kissed me. Sparks flew. This spiraled into constantly dining together. The conversation is always lovely. Sometimes I'll treat sometimes he does. This lead to him spending the night over my place. We made love.

One night, he came over. I cooked for him, we drank wine, watched movies, I truly enjoy my time with him. That night when we made love, he tells me that he wants me to be his forever and that all I have to do is say the word and he's all mine. He tells me that he loves me and that I am amazing. He started kissing me in public. He casually talks about me meeting his parents. Then he tells me that it's important for me to meet one of his lady friends that he has known for years (which I did, and it was a fun night). I know our time has been short but we've been hanging out loving on each other for a month.

I address my feelings with him because it's starting to get real for me. I like him, but I am afraid of relationships. I ask him about it and he tells me not to get it twisted that we're both not ready for a relationship, which is true, I'm not. But I'm starting to feel a tinge of jealousy when he gets attention from other people. That makes me uncomfortable because I need to stay in a friends role. I don't want to be jealous. This conversation makes things odd, but he still wants to grab and kiss me. He monitors how much he tells me he loves me. The dynamics are changing. I'm torn. Part of me wants to nip it in the bud and strictly be friends, no intimacy, and maybe distance myself from him for a little. But then I long for him, his company, his kisses. I haven't like someone liked this for a long time. I just don't know what to do. Usually if I have a "lover", I am not interested in them intellectually so it's very easy for me to separate my feelings from sex. But.. this man is different. Please help, I want to keep him in my life any way I can. I don't want to mess this up.

He might have changed he's mind and are ready to be in a relationship. If you want to be in a friends role then you will have to take a distance. For example when he kisses you tell him "No" or give him signs that your are uncomfortable. By doing that he will understand, but you may risk him leaving you. The other option is to be ready for a relationship as he seems to. At least try. Watch romantic movies, search on the internet, maybe it will help you to learn things about relationships.

It sounds like he is sending you conflicting signals, which is never a good sign.

That night when we made love, he tells me that he wants me to be his forever and that all I have to do is say the word and he's all mine.

I ask him about it and he tells me not to get it twisted that we're both not ready for a relationship

The problem with casual relationships is that sometimes they become more serious for one person than the other. It sounds to me like you would be willing to take your involvement to the next level, and the mismatch of his words and actions is starting to cause you pain and distress. My suggestion would be to take a few days or a week where the two of you do not engage so you can carefully consider what you actually want out of your involvement. If you remain unsure about you're own feelings, it will be all too easy for you to be strung along in a situation that is not truly meeting your needs.

Then, it's as simple as having an adult conversation with him to see if your vision for the future and values match up. It may end in the two of you moving forward, if that's what you decide you want. It may end in the two of you deciding to go your separate ways. It is difficult to let go when so many feelings are present, but as it stands, the relationship is not healthy for you and it is your responsibility to address it. Don't stay in ambiguous territory to appease him.

I am in a similar situation right now, except I'm in my mid 50's and he's in his early 60s. I met a guy at a concert in June. We were both attending alone, so we kinda became each others "instant date" for the rest of the night. We began to go out every weekend after that, and have had such a great time over the past three months and I really enjoy his company. We slept together for the first time about 3 weeks ago, and things haven't been the same. He is actually accusing me of moving too slowly, and has become distant and not as attentive or communicating as much as he had before. i don't know what the hell he's looking for at this point - by saying I'm moving too slowly, but if it's moving in with me -THAT AIN'T HAPPENING!

I am hoping to have a serious talk with him sometime soon, and get everything out in the open. As I reflect back over the past three months, I've realized that we have spent a lot of time talking about former relationships and exes, but no time talking about what we are looking for in a partner now or for our relationships in the future. Perhaps that is one area that I need to improve in. One area that he needs to improve is calling on the phone, he's a professional texter as I call them who seems to have no problem texting or even talking in person, but for some reason avoids talking on the phone unless it's a short conversation regarding a date.

Youre doing the typical, 'Im the cool down chick, I dont want a relationship, but I really do, but if I admit it, I'll know for a fact that he doesnt and I cant handle that so i'll be the cool down for whatever chick' act. You can, its your prerogative, but you will save time and potential heartache by telling him you are interested in dating him and getting a direct answer.

Good luck!

It seems to me that despite your disclaimer about not being in a relationship, you actually are in a relationship.

What I mean is this - everyone is in a relationship. I'm writing to you here, and now we are in a relationship, albeit a very distant, and anonymous one, but it's still a relationship.

What I'm getting at is this - labels, and definitions. Don't be so concerned with labels and definitions, just let it be what it is. I mean, look, if you are both enjoying yourselves, and seemingly have great chemistry, attraction, and dare I say it, "feelings" for each other, what does it matter what you call it?

Let it be what it is - two people that get along great, are attracted to each other both physically and emotionally, and relax about all the rest. There is simply no need to complicate things with definitions. Skip the whole "What are we?" conversation for now, and just enjoy the fact that you have found someone so compatible to you, and take it day by day. Let things evolve the way they will evolve. I don't see the point of overthinking it.

So, back to definitions - you say you are afraid of relationships, but perhaps it would help you to understand that you are in a relationship with everyone in your life. Relationships are not something to be scared of, you have them all the time. Some last for moments, some last for days, months, years, and some will last until your dying breath. Which kind this is remains to be seen, but you shouldn't kill it just out of some kind of sense of self-preservation. What is the worst thing that could possibly happen here? That you fall in love and he dumps you? Okay, well, to quote Tennyson, "T'is better to have love and lost, than to have never loved at all." Of course, that's a value decision and you may feel quite differently about that, but the reason that quote is so well known is because it is, like all great poetry, a universal truth. It's something that speaks to most, if not all, of humanity.

Anyway, I hope you can relax about the labels and defining this thing - it sounds quite lovely. Some things defy explanation and labels. When you look at a beautiful sunset, do you need to obsess as to exactly what kind of sunset it is, or do you simply take it in and experience it while it lasts? Good luck, and I hope this works out for you both in a healthy and positive way, no matter what it is. :)

It sounds like both of you want to be fwb, but you are getting more attached than that. Decide what you want and act accordingly. For example do you want exclusive dating? Or to continue fwb?

This lead to him spending the night over my place. We made love. we've been hanging out loving on each other for a month. he tells me not to get it twisted that we're both not ready for a relationship, which is true

Really like PTPoet on this one.

I share a bit of your “relationship” fear, in the sense that I got out of a tough relationship a year ago, deeply enjoy my freedom, have some trust/intimacy issues, and have a knee jerk fear of letting go of my most authentic self in the name of accommodating...well, a relationship. Feels draining, constraining, at least from one, narrow angle.

That said, I’m more often than not in a relationship, meaning I’m engaged with someone intimately, or seeking it, because I’m a connection-seeking human, like most. I’ve been seeing someone for almost three months, a lovely, still-unlabeled “relationship.” We both have similar outlooks, similar fears, but also, in the grand scheme, similar wants: partnership, the works. We just want it in a way that makes sense to us, so we’re navigating it as we see fit. We talk about everything with openness and intentionality, while allowing breathing room for us to be us, as individuals and as a couple.

It can be a tricky line to walk, sometimes more anxious, but perhaps more honest. In our case, it’s meant allowing space for uncomfortable realities (curiosity about others, fears about being hurt) and then making space to address them. There’ve been some itchy moments. But so it goes.

Often in avoiding “serious” labels people end up using even more nonsensical labels. Like the dreaded “casual,” which is almost always a lie. Something one or both parities says mainly to convince themselves that something that is already on some levels “serious” is actually not.

Anyhow, its been a month. Enjoy it. Enjoy the comfort as well as the anxiety—both are just feelings. Don’t be scared to talk, and don’t rely on grand proclamations like “I love you” to be a salve to anxiety.

Some things you should probably start considering: What exactly do you get from "not being serious" that is better than having a lifetime partner? Do you want to go through life achieving sexual satisfaction without emotional attachment? Thinking about your goals and how to best achieve them is important. If you want a lifetime partner, I suggest you seek therapy to be able to ditch the useless emotional baggage about "real" relationships. Yes, real relationships have highs, lows and plateaus and require a lot of effort, but I believe they are worth it. But you have to be wise by choosing a partner who lacks red flags and possesses all of your must-haves.

If you want to go through life having no-strings attached sex, it's a much more complicated scenario as far as I'm concerned. The rules aren't often discussed, but should be. Are you both allowed to have sex with other people? Are you expected to have daily conversations or can you go a month without hearing a peep from him? Do you meet each other's friends and family? Is there an expiration date to how long you will be together? What if you continue on for the next 4 months with the same status quo, and when the newness wears off, he finds another woman to wine and dine instead and you're put on the back burner? Would you seriously not be hurt and upset? How is "not being serious" saving you from not being hurt in life?

As you can see, you can't keep yourself in a safe bubble free of hurt since you don't like him getting attention from other females, so why not go for "the real thing," if not with him, then another?

It's been more than a year since your last break-up. Get over it. This guy sounds perfect. He's crazy about you, you admit you really like him. The sex is good. It's time to go all in. By trying not to get hurt you can actually hurt yourself. Admit it, if you break up with this guy, you'll still feel hurt. Just try to curb your jealousy. You're both adults and I'm sure you both have friends of both sexes. Jealousy is a negative emotion and can ruin a relationship. Talk yourself out of it.

Afraid to mess what up? You are already more than friends. Friends don't sleep with each other so that ship has already sailed and it's one of those things you can't take back.

It also sounds like you need to be more honest with yourself. You are developing feelings and attachment. So speak up and be honest that you want more than a casual fwb. Agree with above poster that his words are confusing. He is acting like he wants more than casual too, but then will remind you that it's just casual. I think you both need to sit down and sort this out like two grown adults and proceed accordingly. It comes across as you both really like each other and want more but are too afraid to speak up honestly.

What's funny is that he's a poet himself and that sounds like something he would say. Thank you so much for this lovely advice because you are exactly right. Stay in the moment for what it is. It's best to go into things with an open mind and open heart. Only when we start stressing out and wondering what's to come... When we start having expectations for one another, dynamics change in a toxic way. Your answer made me feel so much better.

Thank you all for your posts. I have taken them all into consideration. I have laid my feelings out on the table. We have discussed things. We still agreed on staying the course as friends with benefits. I will just go with it, and if it gets to be too much for me, I know when to cut it off. Is it bad that I am already preparing for the possibility of walking away from him? Maybe im too far ahead.

So great you laid it out—that was your truth, what you needed, and in that you are free, already moving in the right direction. If he's part of that direction—great. If he's not—also great.

See? That's the thing. We're always getting to know ourselves better, and relationships help us. Whether the relationship can continue to contain new shapes of ourselves, the expansion, etc., is the mystery and the dice roll.

I would not say it's "bad." Right now you're a bit thrown, a bit vulnerable, and you have to ride this out a bit and see how it settles. You need to feel safe again. I'm in a small moment like that with my person now—it happens. You're protecting yourself, which is human. You might have to walk away—tomorrow or in 20 years. He might walk away. That's always the reality, and sometimes confrontation brings it the surface for a moment.

So just see it that way, not a mystery, and then give in as much as possible. Ride the waves, stay curious, knowing that whatever comes is the right answer.

Thank you all for your posts. I have taken them all into consideration. I have laid my feelings out on the table. We have discussed things. We still agreed on staying the course as friends with benefits. I will just go with it, and if it gets to be too much for me, I know when to cut it off. Is it bad that I am already preparing for the possibility of walking away from him? Maybe im too far ahead.

Absolutely not, I think it’s a wise choice.

I’m confused why you’re still choosing to continue to be honest I mean once feelings develop it’s time to change the dynamic, its now impossible to keep the status quo the relationship is unbanalced.

You know yourself better than anyone though and if after being brutally honest with yourself you feel this is the right decision for you, I get it, go have some fun.

If that's how you roll, then that's how it is. Unfortunately you already have expectations from each other and that is fwb sex, so this sentiment makes very little sense: "When we start having expectations for one another, dynamics change in a toxic way." It sounds like you are trying to protect yourself from something but lunging into it head-on at the same time.

Is it bad that I am already preparing for the possibility of walking away from him?

Thank you all for your posts. I have taken them all into consideration. I have laid my feelings out on the table. We have discussed things. We still agreed on staying the course as friends with benefits. I will just go with it, and if it gets to be too much for me, I know when to cut it off. Is it bad that I am already preparing for the possibility of walking away from him? Maybe im too far ahead.

You absolutely should be thinking about walking away. The very essence of an fwb is that it does come with a definite expiration date. It's a temporary arrangement of convenience without a future. If it's working for you, great. If you are developing feelings and wanting more, but know that he doesn't, you shouldn't be just thinking about it, you should be walking away. The longer you stick around hoping that he'll want more too the more likely you are going to hurt yourself in the process.