Originally Posted by catfeeder
Well, you keep repeating this storyline by rote, with the word 'failed' hitting your own psyche like a hammer. Why do that to yourself? We ALL have relationships that don't work out, and rather than viewing them through a lens of failure, why not change your inner dialog to see them as building blocks from which you've learned important things?
Every relationship is an experiment, without guarantees. Most people are NOT our match--or even a 'good' match. It takes practice and resilience--and often solo time--to learn what IS right for us, and what's not. Expecting to have coupledom all wrapped up by a certain age, especially after coming out to explore your REAL sexuality, is like asking a 6th grader to master advanced maths. Such an expectation would be cruel, so why impose it on yourself when you have your entire life to navigate and learn along the way?
Yes, I know what you are saying is true. I am especially hard on myself. I need to just relax and see my experiences as growth and learning rather than "failed".
Careful of 'looking around' and projecting ideals onto other people while deciding that you somehow come up short on those ideals according to some arbitrary calendar. When kids do that, they feel lousy about not being seniors, or driving, or having a BF or a cheerleading trophy, even while they fail to appreciate their own unique value.
You have your own unique value, and if your only way of appreciating it is through through a relationship with someone else who you believe can see it FOR you, then you'll never feel secure and valuable in your own right. Maybe this is your time to learn that--and BEFORE latching onto the next person just to play out a fantasy that fits inside your calendar.
I was so amazed at how much I tolerated in my last relationship. Looking back, it was probably one of the most abusive and "addictive" relationships I've had in awhile....if ever. I am still dumbfounded why I allowed someone to treat me so disrespectfully, physically and emotionally abusive, and feel like I had to tip toe around....without the ability to be myself. And on top of it, feel sad after we break up...even though I initiated it....sooo strange to me. There was probably something that I was attached to, probably something that stems from my childhood. I'm trying to sit with my emotions now, post break up, and try and learn as much as I can about myself, cherish myself, and respect myself. Have you ever or know of people who have experienced abusive relationships? What were the reasons behind justifying abusive behavior or staying in and then having such a hard time letting go?
I'd suggest finding ways to ditch that calendar--it's one you formed from conditioning around a female biological clock. What if you could liberate yourself from that and trust that your best years will be those without that kind of pressure--and you can begin those years as early as you choose?
I would love to just let go of all expectations and "calendars" and just 'be" for once in my life without the notion of having to do something or be someone in particular. Again, I think I am just hard on myself. I don't know why. Could be passed on from childhood. Many people tell me that your 40s and 50s are some of the best years of your life so I'm going to keep telling myself that, relax, and stay open to new experiences. Focus on loving myself.
What about women who don't view being coupled-up as a necessity? You don't 'see' them because you've ruled out that they exist. Why 'must' they be either wrong or broken? What if they aren't cynical, miserable or even on the hunt for their next relationship, but they're on solid ground and know that if they ever come across the 'right' simpatico with someone, then that's the next relationship they'll have. Unless and until then, what if they just live full lives and are happy?
That's a really good point. I never really thought of that.
Leapfrogging from one relationship to the next, or at least measuring your quality of life according to the relationship you're in at the moment IS an exhausting and discouraging way to live.
When you don't know who you are without a partner, that's a pretty good signal that your highest, most intelligent Self remains waiting patiently to be found. You can keep distracting yourself with The Hunt, or you can relax and catch your breath and trust that one of the most important people to discover lives right inside of you. She will always be on your side whether you ever settle down long enough to recognize her and honor her, and love her, or not.
Reading this made me emotional. I feel hurt and guilt for not honoring myself, for mostly trying to put other people's needs before my own. For repressing my sexuality. For putting myself through necessary heartache. How does one learn forgiveness and let go?
Because you keep attempting to give away what you haven't yet learned how to give to your Self yet.