Coming on too strong?

Hi!

It's about a guy.. Well we met online 2 years ago and had a few chats since then(not very often) He told me a few times that he liked me but ok.. Nothing more.. A typical conversation with a bit of flirting from his side . He is from another country by the way not very far from mine.

He told me a few months ago that he found a job in my country (but in a different city) and that he would like to meet me when he comes. Quite logical since we've been chatting online for so long.

So we met in person today. Before we met, while chatting online, like 2 days ago he told me that he would like to kiss me and he was thinking about me. And I told him" we haven't even met " and he said" yes I know but I like you ".

Anyway. Today we met at a coffee place in the afternoon, we talked, he made compliments..it was nice. I liked him in general. He asked to see me again and I said that we will arrange another meeting (he doesn't have a car yet and he lives an hour away so I'm the one who is gonna have to make the driving) he didn't try to make a move or anything by the way.

So after I came home he messaged me telling me that he can't stop thinking about me and that he wanted to kiss me but he controlled himself. That he wants to hug me and that he senses that that's how I feel too. And that he likes to sleep next to me. I told him that he is moving too fast with all this.. And that it's kind of weird for me to reply to such messages. He said he feels like knowing me for years..and he just expresses how he feels..

It felt weird. So he feels comfortable with me because of a few online chats?

What do you sense about his behavior? I mean it wasn't even a date. It was a 2 hour meeting for a coffee with a person that I basically didn't know. I admit there was attraction though..

And another question. How do I handle this coming on too strong behavior? See him again and tell him that I like him but let's take things slowly??

Um, you don't. Even if we don't talk about the behavior itself, you said you were uncomfortable and he was moving too fast. His response doesn't acknowledge you at all and basically says he is going to continue the behavior. See him again at your own risk. He should have apologized and listened to what you said. He did not.

Today we met at a coffee place in the afternoon, we talked, he made compliments..it was nice. I liked him in general.

That's what's important. Did he seem to you genuinely interested and attracted when talking in person?

You could simply tell him he's running too fast with chat messages.

Anyhow, don't invest too much at this early stage - bear in mind you two live quite far away from each other

You are right to be skeptical. Methinks he is trying to move it along more quickly and create a false sense of intimacy with you so he can get you to make out with him and subsequently into his (or your) bed.

If you think you want to see him again and and you want to take it slow... and think you have the strength to resist his octopus arms... do so in a public place where there can be no funny business, like a restaurant, museum, art gallery, etc.

I think he wants sex. Saying he wanted to sleep next to you, was inappropriate.

Not for me. I am looking for a relationship and would be turned off.

He wants sex. It's very very clear.

When a guy is initially much more eager than I am, I start to pull back and maintain distance, if not ignore him altogether. That's because I cannot reciprocate his feelings, so I need to stay away. Whether he is moving "too fast" or not, is subjective. If we both move fast then it's ok. You are not comfortable with what he's doing. You can't just go along with it.

He's a boundary buster. He placing his own agenda over yours, rather than respecting your space, your words, your signals. Also, he just moved there? So now you've no way to triangulate the facts as he says them.

I would be very very cautious.

How about sticking to someone locally who takes things at the pace that you're comfortable with? No, I wouldn't make the effort of driving 2 hours round trip for a stranger, and especially would not date someone who started bringing up sleeping beside me when we haven't gotten to the point of intimacy yet.

He's testing you to see how loose you are so he doesn't waste a lot of time on wining and dining. Believe me, if you drove his way, he would most likely try to be convincing you to go to his place for the privacy he wants.

I recommend locally dating and if a guy can't meet you in public within a few weeks of speaking, don't waste your time with years of communicating by cyber space with someone. If he's so good looking and got his stuff together, why hasn't he been able to find a local gf? He's probably into short term relationships only, with far away women who he can easily ditch once he's used them.

Yes. The driving is another problem. And the fact that I'm the one who is gonna have to drive since he doesn't have a car yet means that I will not see his efforts. If he had a car would he drive to see me? And he is far. I mean once a week maybe?

What I'm thinking is if he says again anything that will make me feel uncomfortable let him know more strictly that I don't like it doesnt seem appropriate etc. And maybe see him in public in a week or so and see how it goes. If he tries to say anything or do anything that it's not appropriate then I will tell him to stop and set my boundaries. If he doesn't respect then.. Bye bye

I forgot to say that he is calling me sweetie.. Baby.. Also kind of weird right?

I forgot to say that he is calling me sweetie.. Baby.. Also kind of weird right?

Too much too soon. Your instincts are good. Trust 'em.

He's trying to get you in the sack, OP.

I would avoid this one.

Why are you putting energy into this guy? Like how obvious does it have to be he's wanting sex.

Move on.

I saw you other thread where you pined incessantly for the guy that flaked on you like twice. Why oh why are you wanting these types of guys? Do you not think you can get better...?

How old are you?

I'm not putting energy on this guy. Just wanted an opinion.

I'm not even sure if I should see him again. And I'm actually glad that all of you agree that is this not normal or accepted.

And I wanted an advice. Run away or tell the guy to slow down and see how it goes..Show him that I have my own pace and if he wants to follow he will.. Sometimes I'm not sure wether I should give a chance or not.. Other times I wonder whether I'm too strict and demanding with people.

What I want to say.. Run a way or give a chance?

I'm 35 years old. And of course I'm interested for a relationship. Well.. Didn't find a match yet and yes I'm wondering why oh why I meet the wrong kind of people

He's a boundary buster. He placing his own agenda over yours, rather than respecting your space, your words, your signals. Also, he just moved there? So now you've no way to triangulate the facts as he says them.

 

I would be very very cautious.

I made a mistake over a dozen years ago. I ignored the signs that a guy was getting way too attached to me without knowing me. I really did enjoy our conversations and they were 100% appropriate. But the problem was that because I spoke to him a number of times by phone before meeting and almost every night between the first and second meeting I apparently led him on. Again, even after the first meeting it was 100% appropriate and I also didn't feel we were oversharing - we definitely spoke of personal topics -he was divorced -but it wasn't like a therapy session. But again I ignored that he was getting clingy (and when we met I do not think we kissed more than a peck but he was on the touchy feely side, albeit 'appropriate").

Second meeting - he met me at my building downstairs but..... he brought me an ice cream cake. Because I'd mentioned that they were my favorite for my bday because I have a summer bday. But my summer bday wasn't for another month or so. So.... here he is with an ice cream cake. I told him that I would go upstairs and put it in the freezer (our plan was a public date -a museum and lunch I think). During the date I realized - way too clingy, this is getting uncomfortable.

We come back to my building as he parked there. Now what -if I didn't invite him up and he brought the cake, etc (and yes he asked if he could come up). So I invited him up. It was fine but I couldn't wait for him to get out of there (and as you know ice cream cake needs to thaw a bit before serving it). Again, totally appropriate and he asked to see me again the following weekend. I was put on the spot and said a tentative yes. He left. I then called him that evening and I told him that since he lived a far distance from me and he would be the one doing the traveling to me I didn't want to have him come see me again as I wasn't feeling like we clicked that way and I didn't want to lead him on. He thanked me profusely for my honesty, said he understood. The next morning the emails started - 6 in total. First was ok and then progressively angry about how I led him on by talking so much on the phone to him, inviting him to my home, etc. I responded as carefully as I could and then asked him to please stop emailing. The next email apologized and asked if we could be friends (um no).

I do not think I led him on in the least (and yes he traveled for the actual first date and from all I recall I treated him to half the date) but he perceived that because of how often we spoke and because I invited him upstairs (please ... he totally manipulated that with the ice cream cake). Just be careful -he backed off after 6 emails but it was really stressful and I was getting concerned. Be careful.

It's up to you to "slow it down". Decide what and who you want. Develop a system. Meet for coffee asap, then decide if you want another date. If so, decide on what pace you are comfortable with. Decide whether you want casual sex or exclusive dating, a relationship, etc.. Only have sex, get closer, etc if you are ready and want to. The pace you want is up to you, not your dates. If it is too forward for you, you end it. Very simple..

Run away or tell the guy to slow down and see how it goes.

Are you qualified to give such advice?

I vote yes. The “qualifications” are to be a person who can share from personal experiences or indirect ones and who knows how to share in a helpful way. In my qualified opinion I think his input is often right on target and gets to the point.

What I want to say.. Run a way or give a chance?

I say listen to your instincts and run fast. This guy is trouble and not someone you should encourage any further in any way. Keep in mind that with people like that, anything at all, even negative feedback is still encouragement.

As other posters already pointed out, you told him very firmly that his behavior is inappropriate and makes you uncomfortable. His response was essentially that he'll just do what he wants because that's how he is. IF he had apologized and backed off, then I'd say give him a chance and see how it goes again in person. Since he brushed you off, stay away.

This is his best foot forward, do you really want to see how much worse he can be? Run for the hills.

Well all this happened yesterday. Today we didn't talk much. Just a good morning and how was your day.. He didn't say anything inappropriate. So either he realised that he needs to slow down.. Or will disappear if he realised that I will not play his game..

I made a mistake over a dozen years ago. I ignored the signs that a guy was getting way too attached to me without knowing me. I really did enjoy our conversations and they were 100% appropriate. But the problem was that because I spoke to him a number of times by phone before meeting and almost every night between the first and second meeting I apparently led him on. Again, even after the first meeting it was 100% appropriate and I also didn't feel we were oversharing - we definitely spoke of personal topics -he was divorced -but it wasn't like a therapy session. But again I ignored that he was getting clingy (and when we met I do not think we kissed more than a peck but he was on the touchy feely side, albeit 'appropriate").

 

Second meeting - he met me at my building downstairs but..... he brought me an ice cream cake. Because I'd mentioned that they were my favorite for my bday because I have a summer bday. But my summer bday wasn't for another month or so. So.... here he is with an ice cream cake. I told him that I would go upstairs and put it in the freezer (our plan was a public date -a museum and lunch I think). During the date I realized - way too clingy, this is getting uncomfortable.

 

We come back to my building as he parked there. Now what -if I didn't invite him up and he brought the cake, etc (and yes he asked if he could come up). So I invited him up. It was fine but I couldn't wait for him to get out of there (and as you know ice cream cake needs to thaw a bit before serving it). Again, totally appropriate and he asked to see me again the following weekend. I was put on the spot and said a tentative yes. He left. I then called him that evening and I told him that since he lived a far distance from me and he would be the one doing the traveling to me I didn't want to have him come see me again as I wasn't feeling like we clicked that way and I didn't want to lead him on. He thanked me profusely for my honesty, said he understood. The next morning the emails started - 6 in total. First was ok and then progressively angry about how I led him on by talking so much on the phone to him, inviting him to my home, etc. I responded as carefully as I could and then asked him to please stop emailing. The next email apologized and asked if we could be friends (um no).

 

I do not think I led him on in the least (and yes he traveled for the actual first date and from all I recall I treated him to half the date) but he perceived that because of how often we spoke and because I invited him upstairs (please ... he totally manipulated that with the ice cream cake). Just be careful -he backed off after 6 emails but it was really stressful and I was getting concerned. Be careful.

This is a great example of how the most appropriate interaction can expose us to someone's personal brand of crazy; when we see crazy at the start, know it's only the tip of the iceberg.

I met someone for a drink, at a busy restaurant's bar at like 5:00. Stayed an hour. I can't remember if I ever met him again. He had the same job for 20 years, one that required visibility, accountability, and licensing. Nothing untoward happened. But something felt funny, which is why I was net crawling. Found nothing. I withdrew contact. One meet up, nothing big.

27 texts followed. He sent me his address. Told me the door was unlocked. At first I tried no reply. Then when he went off about my no reply I decided to reply that I was with family (I was) and in a no phone zone (museuem; half true). The texts continued, and followed a full relationship arc. About our connection, my positive attributes, my rejection, a break up, and a resolution, all without my input.

I am not sure I ever sent anything further, though I did block in case he contacted again.

All I had was my instincts. I don't remember what I picked up on and I am not sure I ever knew.

Always trust your instincts when they are trying to protect you.

Well all this happened yesterday. Today we didn't talk much. Just a good morning and how was your day.. He didn't say anything inappropriate. So either he realised that he needs to slow down.. Or will disappear if he realised that I will not play his game..

Let him go, regardless of how he plays it. "Play" being the accurate and operative word. He is coming from a place of self interest, at your expense, by forcing you to regulate his behavior. His behavior is his responsibility and he already has shown you that he will push past your boundaries to test your degree of permissiveness.

This is about bending you to his agenda. Any level of interaction is a win for him.

You're being desperate. I'm sorry but raise your self esteem first. Don't date. Guys can smell this energy from miles away.