Date and now silence

As the thread title suggests, I had a date and now there is just radio silence. I get it, they're not interested, but here's the back story shortened up into a couple nice paragraphs:

Last Friday at work I matched with a guy on Tinder and it got off to a great start. I'm 29, he's 28. Very charming and quite attractive. By that evening he was asking me what my plans were and he ended up coming to my neck of the woods despite my insistence that we meet half way to be fair. It was a late start to meeting up, probably ~10pm, and it would've taken him about 45 minutes at that time. I was even more pleasantly surprised when he got out of the car. We went and had drinks and talked and learned about one another and our families, work, etc. I learned we were both introverts if that amounts to anything. He was very charming and aside from being physically attracted to this person I felt myself connecting with him on a deeper level than any other date I've had, probably since my ex two years ago. He seemed really into it as well and he never stopped complimenting me on various things - my smile, ambition towards my career, lifestyle choices, etc.

We had been drinking until last call and we came back to my house and I put on the TV. He was very touchy-feely, which typically isn't my thing on the first date, but there was no way anyone was driving and it even occurred to me at that time this might've been his intentions. Long story short, we ended up fooling around and he left around 5am Saturday morning. I text him Saturday night and I said I had a great time and that I'd like to hang out again with him. He replied later that night saying he had a really good time as well and he'd love to hang out again sometime. He had mentioned that he was having dinner with friends Saturday night and I asked him how his dinner plans went. He replied around 1am saying he had just gotten home, it was great and asked how my day was. I replied Sunday morning and never heard back from him. I text him yesterday lunch time asking if he would be interested in getting dinner, a movie, or something over the next couple days as I'm off work. No reply. Text him last night saying it's ok if he doesn't want to, that I won't be offended, and just to say so. No reply.

This morning I'm a little bummed. I get that people don't want to make the other feel bad. I get ignoring is an easy way out for that person, so on and so fourth. What I don't get is why they would lie! We're adults here, tell me whats up! To add insult to injury I really actually liked this guy and if I didn't know any better he liked me too. AND he told me he would "love" to hang out with me again. Perhaps hooking up wasn't the best option, but at the time he was all over me and it did happen. I feel like this type of interaction is becoming more and more common within the online dating world, and it sucks. I hate dishonesty. I'm guilty of it too to a certain extent, but I would never go as far as saying "I had a lot of fun too, and I'd love to hang out again sometime" if I didn't mean it. So misleading.

Are my spidey senses correct or am I jumping the gun? Short of him being in an accident or somehow losing access to his iPhone, I find it hard to believe he's anything but decided he's not interested.

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he was looking for hookups if he asks you out for that night at 10pm "for drinks" then comes back to your place. Unfortunately he found someone else Sat night. Notice he didn't ask you out again. It sounds like he was bored/free Fri so figured what the heck.

Always make advance plans, meet in public early in the day/evening, drive your own vehicle and no more than 1 drink. Never invite a total stranger to your home. This is a safety precaution as well as setting up a dating rather than hookup situation.

I matched with a guy on Tinder. By that evening he was asking me what my plans. It was a late start to meeting up, probably ~10pm. We had been drinking until last call and we came back to my house.we ended up fooling around and he left around 5am Saturday morning.

I would consider yourself so very lucky that you weren't raped, assaulted ,robbed letting a complete stranger who was too drunk to drive into your home. Just that, lucky. He probably is a perfectly good person who was happy to hang out and hook up with you late at night and it takes two. The impression you made was that you are fine with drinking too much with a stranger, fine inviting a stranger into your home, fine hooking up with a stranger. And so is he fine with all of those things (no double standard although it was your home so he didn't risk his home like you did and of course guys are usually stronger/bigger than women and at least feel they can physically defend themselves more easily).

It sounds like you had a great conversation and felt physically attracted. He probably felt the same. But nothing in what you did gave any impression that you're looking for a potential relationship. Certainly there are happily coupled/married people who slept together the first time they met - that is the exception and usually those people either met randomly at a party or a bar where they weren't looking for anything serious or they discussed beforehand that they really felt like having sex AND were both actually wanting to see each other again and see if they should get serious down the road.

I don't think he is interested in dating you and he didn't ask you on a proper date after you met -he just said he'd like to hang out sometime. I got a message from a woman on facebook who said "we should get coffee sometime" because we're from the same city. I replied with my general availability and have next to no belief she'll ever follow up even though she had good intentions in her "coffee sometime" suggestion.

If he wanted to see you again he would have made a time/place plan right then or at least something fairly certain that you could firm up later -after all he knows you are highly interested in seeing him again -no risk of "rejection."

Please please be more careful next time.

Thanks, guys. I understand what you're saying about the whole stranger thing. It didn't even occur to me at the time to think this. I consider myself a pretty good judge of character and at no point did I feel I was in danger or that the night at all was precarious. Not even a hint. Very genuine guy and even though this is how things are right now I still don't believe that it was anything beyond a friendly encounter. I have met people under similar conditions where I wasn't comfortable and I ended the night early.

It did occur to me that our encounter was a booty-call, and Saturday night was another "date", but didn't think too much into it because of how he talked about his life (spending a lot of time on his own, etc). I've had last minute dates happen before, one of which was my most recent ex.

At the end of the day I just want to be told what's up. Not interested in hanging out again? Lie - tell me you're working, or be honest! "I had a good time but I don't see this going anywhere" or "honestly, I was just looking for a hookup. You're a nice guy but I'm not looking for anything serious." I would totally accept that. The blatant ignoring after I make an effort is what kills me.

It doesn't matter if you're a great judge of character -if you meet a stranger off Tinder and are drinking do not take the risk of inviting the drunk stranger into your home.

Yes, I didn't follow your rules in your previous post because I sure am hoping you'll think more about this next time.

I don't think the owes it to tell you what's up. You met him one time. He doesn't have to ask you out again nor does he owe you a response to your invitation -it would be nice for him to respond "no thanks" but you met him only once and much of that time you were both drinking so that's not really a way to get to know someone for purposes of compatibility for a proper first date. His reason is probably just a simple one of, on reflection, he wasn't that into you to make sense to go on a date - perhaps he'd enjoy drinking and hooking up at your house again but he might also be a good judge of character and realized you wanted more. When I asked someone out or suggested meeting and got silence this early on I just assumed silence = lack of interest. I wouldn't ascribe "blatant ignoring" to him just like he shouldn't assume you're "easy" based on your behavior and choices that night.

Are you both guys?

"honestly, I was just looking for a hookup. You're a nice guy but I'm not looking for anything serious."

I suggest you attend a Mother's Against Drunk Driving talk and you will never drink and drive or knowingly let others do that either. The stories are utterly heartbreaking, and could you really live with yourself if you were the cause of someone's death when you could have made a plan ahead of time and used Uber or stuck to soda?

Besides the safety risks mentioned in inviting a stranger into your home, if your intent is to find a longterm bf, you're going about it the wrong way. Someone with longterm potential will regularly make plans with you OUTSIDE of your or his home, in order to get to know you first without intimacy being the sole goal. Of course people have chemistry and have lust for each other, but a guy who also wants a longterm companion will want to get to know you and will have the patience to wait to be intimate when you're ready.

Your body is a great gift to give, and shouldn't be doled out to a stranger you've known for 2 hours. And his seeming interest in you during a two hour period means nothing. You don't know what's going on in a stranger's mind, and his later actions are what he will show you to gauge his interest or disinterest. And you were the one putting most of the effort in communication and asking for another date. It's fine to let the guy know the next day that you enjoyed the date, but let him make the effort after that to do the asking to gauge his true interest. Otherwise, he might be polite in responding but be too cowardly to state he's not interested, wasting your time and emotional energy.

Be smarter about dating in the future. Look up articles on how to date successfully to pick up pointers.

Problem is that a complete random stranger you decided to get drunk with and hook up with doesn't owe you any explanations. To you it was a connection, to him it was a one night stand.

I'd also rethink your statement about being a good judge of character. We all like to tell ourselves that. In reality, he was just looking for a one night stand and laid it on thick with you in terms of flattering compliments and creating an instant sense of connection that wasn't really there by sharing certain things about himself and his life, which you don't even know if that was true or fiction. He played your ego and your emotions. It worked like a charm too. You are just lucky that he wasn't some murdering psycho and the sex was a mutual thing. As others are pointing out to you, do think about that stuff going forward and don't rely on "he seems like such a nice guy."

His lack of response was his response. Do you really need for him say the actual words? Why, would it matter? The outcome is the same regardless, he doesn't wish to date you (sorry).

I agree with Batya and others about letting this literal stranger into your home, drunk no less.

This may sound extreme, but serial rapists and killers can seem quite "normal" and above board; in fact I think Ted Bundy (famous serial rapist/killer) did volunteer work at a crisis center and was studying to become a lawyer! According to a few woman who "escaped" him, he was also extremely charismatic and handsome.

Say goodbye to this guy (in your head) and please be more careful going forward.

I'll echo what everyone else has already said, if only to give it more weight:

Do not ever, ever EVER let someone you just met into your home. Don't even let them know where you live. Don't get into the same car.

Don't judge someone's "character" by a short meeting. Character can only be defined over time. Period.

Don't meet someone at 10 pm. If that's the only meeting time, offer up a different day, earlier time, politely. If they decline/ghost, there's your answer.

He wanted a hookup. You were his Friday night person, someone else was his Saturday night person, and now he's onto someone else.

You'll hear from him when he's lonely/horny/bored again. Ghost him.

Are you both guys?

Yes.

Seems to be the same consensus all around. I know he doesn't owe me anything in terms of a response, but it's the right thing to do. Should've ignored me from text #1 after we parted ways. It wasn't my intention to hook up. In all honesty I only expected to hang out a few hours, but I wasn't expecting a one-night stand or ending back at my home. What you're all saying makes sense. I just needed confirmation on my gut instinct, which is mostly in line with everything you've all said. I guess I wanted to believe it was something more. I'll be fine. I just hate the sting that comes from this type of stuff, albeit that's life.

If he wanted to see you again he would have made a time/place plan right then or at least something fairly certain that you could firm up later -after all he knows you are highly interested in seeing him again -no risk of "rejection."

Very true. He did mention another bar he suggested we go to the next time we go out together, and I suppose that just played into me thinking we'd see one another again.

Thanks guys.

Ok. Safety is still an issue. Anyone can drug you, rob you, case out your home, etc. especially in your own place. As far as hooking up. Exchange a couple of texts, set it for a couple of days, keep it a brief meet, then set up another date.

Yes. I wasn't expecting a one-night stand or ending back at my home.

Thanks, guys. I understand what you're saying about the whole stranger thing. It didn't even occur to me at the time to think this. I consider myself a pretty good judge of character and at no point did I feel I was in danger or that the night at all was precarious. Not even a hint. Very genuine guy and even though this is how things are right now I still don't believe that it was anything beyond a friendly encounter. I have met people under similar conditions where I wasn't comfortable and I ended the night early.

Not to divert too much from the point of the thread, but OP, you cannot be too careful with someone you've known only a few hours, and under the influence of alcohol at that. You simply don't have enough information about someone after one evening to even judge their character.

Allow me to share a personal anecdote to illustrate this: Years ago, I met a friend of my ex's on a night out with him. The guy was kind, friendly, they'd all known each other for years. I got to know him a little as he'd often be at parties or other social events with the group. Never gave him a second thought, other than to say hello and make small talk. His girlfriend was a lovely girl he'd dated for ages, with a baby on the way.

So you can imagine our utter shock when this friend's face was plastered across the front page of our local newspaper one morning, as the local rapist who had finally been apprehended after months of investigation. There had been a violent attack and rape in our town, at gunpoint, of a lady walking her dog one evening. It was this friend of my ex's, as his DNA and eventual confession proved. None of us had any clue and it shook everyone deeply. How could nobody have guessed? How could none of us have known he was even remotely capable of something like this? But the truth is that a real predator is usually extremely skilled at hiding it, sometimes for a very long time. The working theory is that this was not his first rape either, as it would be quite a jump to go from never having sexually assaulted anyone to raping a random woman at gunpoint. We assume there were likely others, maybe previous girlfriends or dates, too afraid to come forward. We don't know how long he'd been victimizing women before he went this far and got caught. It is frightening how well sick people can conceal their true nature.

Scarier still? This guy is out now (this all happened more than 10 years ago) and as he is not permitted to live in our hometown, he moved to a nearby city where he works for a window-installation company. Meaning, he might be the guy we're opening our doors to when we want to replace a cracked window before winter sets in.

My point is, if someone like the above could hide his dark side from people who had known him since childhood, a dude you've never met easily could too. A handful of hours with an internet stranger is nowhere near sufficient to discern what type of person you're inviting into your home. I realize this story is on the extreme end and thankfully rare, and the vast majority of men are not out to hurt you, but it's not a gamble worth taking. Please, stay safe and do a better job protecting yourself.

My opinion doesn’t change just because you’re both men other than you might be more physically matched when it comes to self defense. When it comes to what you intended it’s irrelevant. You chose to drink and chose to invite the stranger to your house. Your actions aren’t consistent with someone looking to go on actual dates much less pursue a relationship. Sure it would have been nice for him to call just like it would have been nice for you not to drive under the influence. But not being as nice as you would like is not the same as you labeling him someone who is blatantly ignoring you. Of course it can sting. You have to decide if the stings are worth the upside.

@MissCanuck - that's terrifying! Thank you for sharing your story.

@Batya33 - I really appreciate your input and I don't disagree with most of what you (and everyone else) is saying - I DO usually take precautions when it comes to meeting strangers and it's rare I have anyone home after the first encouter. This was a one-off that I admit I misjudged. I want to point out that at no point no one was driving after drinking. The area in which I live has a pretty good nightlife and where we went was all within walking distance. By the time 5am rolled around and he left I can safely say that neither of us were tipsy (or drunk) anymore. My initial invite to my home was merely because we had both been drinking and I told him he wasn't going to drive anywhere any time soon. I thought at most we'd maybe make out, but I wasn't intending to hook up.

I do disagree with your comment on labeling him as someone blatantly ignoring me - because he is. Granted his silence says it all, but the genuine thing to do would've been to say he wasn't interested (or whatever his reasons are). I presented him with an opportunity to reject me with no hard feelings and that was ignored too. Yes, the outcome would've been the same, but I find the whole ghosting aspect of this situation to be immature. What's 30 seconds of your life to respond with "sorry, I'm not interested" - especially when someone has worked up the courage to ask you out again?

Just adding that everyone thought that Ted Bundy was a nice guy too. :-(

@MissCanuck - that's terrifying! Thank you for sharing your story.

 

@Batya33 - I really appreciate your input and I don't disagree with most of what you (and everyone else) is saying - I DO usually take precautions when it comes to meeting strangers and it's rare I have anyone home after the first encouter. This was a one-off that I admit I misjudged. I want to point out that at no point no one was driving after drinking. The area in which I live has a pretty good nightlife and where we went was all within walking distance. By the time 5am rolled around and he left I can safely say that neither of us were tipsy (or drunk) anymore. My initial invite to my home was merely because we had both been drinking and I told him he wasn't going to drive anywhere any time soon. I thought at most we'd maybe make out, but I wasn't intending to hook up.

 

I do disagree with your comment on labeling him as someone blatantly ignoring me - because he is. Granted his silence says it all, but the genuine thing to do would've been to say he wasn't interested (or whatever his reasons are). I presented him with an opportunity to reject me with no hard feelings and that was ignored too. Yes, the outcome would've been the same, but I find the whole ghosting aspect of this situation to be immature. What's 30 seconds of your life to respond with "sorry, I'm not interested" - especially when someone has worked up the courage to ask you out again?

It's not ghosting. It's someone you met once not responding to your invitation to get together again. Often people don't respond because silence =no interest and because of bad experiences responding to strangers/near strangers. I sure had them with getting harassed after saying no. And I always was fine with silence even when the guy mentioned getting together again. I preferred that to "you are so amazing but I just can't get involved with anyone right now." or some similar self-serving white lie. Please.

There's no "working up the courage" to be rewarded - I've asked out people and I've had to step up to the plate socially in many ways and no, I don't get any kind of credit/reward for the "courage" - you did it so you could see him again -to benefit you. Which is fine. Dating is hard -is it worth the downside to you?

No one is beating you up over having someone you barely know come over; we are all just urging caution.

Note: I am hardly one to talk, as I've done some of the stupidest things a female can ever do. How stupid? When I was 20, my car broke down on a freeway in the middle of nowhere, and this guy in a beat-up pickup stopped to help, and said I had a broken fan belt, and would I like a ride to the next town to go to an auto store? This was the days before cell phones, and what did I do? I got in his truck. Oh wait, it gets worse: my 15 year-old sister was with me, so what did she do? She waited by my broken-down car with this guy's friend. We are lucky we are alive to tell the tale.

I unfortunately have more stories I could tell on myself, but I digress.....

Just want you to know that I am not casting stones.

These days, it's just not safe.

OK, mothering over......this guy was, unfortunately, just looking for a 10 pm Friday night hookup. I agree that what he did by not responding isn't really ghosting, it's just him saying to the Universe, thanks for the sex, buh bye.

I'm sorry, I know this stings.

Please, let's just agree to disagree. I totally respect your POV and can only thank you enough for taking the time to talk about it. I can only explain so much before a third party would need to have been there to see how everything went down. With the fine details my original post would've been 3x the length. It really did seem like a spur the moment date, and guess what - people usually drink on a date and it felt like a date, at least the first 3/4 of it did. I've been on enough of them to know the difference between it and a hook up. It's my fault for not clueing in before hand which way he was wanting this to go.

I asked him out again because I liked him, and I legitimately believed, based on his body language when we were together and our texts afterwards, that he was interested in seeing one another again. Saying after the fact you had a great time and you would "love" to go out again is a really weak statement if you aren't interested.

Dating is hard, yes, and I'm sure at some point something similar will happen again. This one stung a little more because, despite how fast it came about, it was the first time in a while I had been on a date where I felt it actually connected with the person.

I'm sorry you were disappointed about meeting this person. Yes, let's agree to disagree - I understand. I think many people are interested in the moment in someone they just met and then change their mind.

Here was my mindset -unless we had a time/place planned for another date there was no other date unless he called and asked me out for a date- in early dating. I wasn't negative at all -to me that made total, realistic sense. And that gave me space to move on to the next person and not wait or get cynical if he didn't make a plan for a date. The words of interest were irrelevant to me because only a planned date was another date.

Yikes why would you take a literal stranger back home.

You showed how casual you were, and he took the opportunity. That's all it was.