various question on dating

Dear all,

I don’t know if this is the correct subsection to answer this question so my apologies if a mistake was made.

Quick heads up : male, 31 y/o, no family or relatives, never have date.

Long time ago I wish to have a family but make a reason not to at 20 y/o due to some life events.

I got some friends but two good friends and one of us have a more in depth talk with me a few month about my personal life saying to me that it sadden her a bit to see me alone. She proceeds to tell me that she knows a girl who did not date for a couple of years – difficult break up apparently – and if I would be interested to see her as we can be a good match. I was very reluctant, my friend comes again to me saying that she knows I had my couple of hardship but that she thinks one’s past should not bound one’s future.

I think this is BS cause you are the product of your past but nevertheless I agree to meet this woman based on the assumption that have one cares for you in a different order than friendship might be a nice feeling – must be otherwise the majority of people would not chase that I believe, even if I don’t know what this really is.

Long story short, I met this woman twice : coffee and a museum. She asked me if we could see each other again to have dinner which I agree upon.

Was just wondering a bunch of question regarding this.

First of all, To be totally fair, I’m like a bit emotionless since a long time. I don’t know like I’m neither happy nor sad, I just go through the motion.

Regarding that I was wondering if a long time of loneliness, my entire life basically, tend to make it difficult or almost impossible to enter some relationship other than friendship ?

Second, if the answer to the previous question is no, so that you can enter in relationship, are you supposed to feel something special towards the other person that you date or is this something that builds up with time ? or something else ?

Third question, she seems to want us to see each week and was abit disturb that I postponed the third date to have a week-end by myself to read. At what rate are you supposed to see the other person you are dating ? I see my friends usually one every other week. The only ones that I see more are the one with whom I train and that just for the training session. I have trouble meeting people for a long time cause I feel we only small talk and I’m not good at that, I don’t really like that and feel it is pointless so I usually sat there enjoying the company of people I like for a couple of hours then leave, otherwise I feel very tired (can complain about her thought as she is comprehensive and do most of the talk which is nice).

That might sound like dumb questions but I have no clue in dating since it is the first time I date one person and I don’t really have time to investigate the literature on the subject to learn it, If such literature exists in the first place, nor that I have the desire to I admit. So I prefer to ask directly to people which knows that stuff.

I already talk to this with my best friend but would like to ear other opinions as one is not really sufficient to make up my mind.

Sorry for the long post and thanks in advance for taking the time to provide help/advice on that one.

Are you attracted to her? Are you interested in dating or relationships in general or just not that enthused about her in particular?

I met this woman twice : coffee and a museum. She asked me if we could see each other again to have dinner which I agree upon. she seems to want us to see each week and was abit disturb that I postponed the third date to have a week-end by myself to read.

my friend comes again to me saying that she knows I had my couple of hardship but that she thinks one’s past should not bound one’s future.

I think this is BS cause you are the product of your past

While it's very true that our past can shape who we are, your friend is right... it doesn't have to impact who we WANT to be. It takes a great deal of hard work, perseverance and commitment to release the bonds of our past... but speaking from experience, it is entirely possible to have freedom from our pasts if we want it badly enough.

It's possible you might be shut down from being alone for a long time and dealing with your hardships as you put it... it's also possible you might not have chemistry or a spark with her. At the end of the day, you don't need to put energy into this person if you are not feeling it with her ... you can just be up front with her and let her go instead.

Might be worth exploring these thoughts and feelings in therapy if you do want to date someone seriously.

Hi wiseman and maew,

First of all, thanks for your answer.

@Wiseman : I don't know if I'm attracted to her and don't really know if I'm interested in relationship. That is what I'm wondering if that you develop interest in relationship and her person overtime or if it's a natural thing that kinda comes instantly.

@maew: I understand there is not really a clear way to understand if my position is due to my past or the interaction I have with this person in particular. I'm not worried about putting a bit of time and energy, just don't want to mislead another person as I try as best as I can to live up to a "virtuous" life.

Regarding therapy, I fully acknowledge your advice nevertheless I respectfully will not follow it. I was in an Psychiatric hospital for 3.5 month due to PTSD and open a bit on my past they did not much apart from giving me pill to swallow, Stoic thnikers were a better help for me so I'm gonna stick to it. I appreciate your suggestion though.