Confused about very short dating experience ending

I met someone a month ago, we went out maybe 7-8 times, texted a lot (she initiated a lot), talked on phone for a while, etc... She told me she "really liked" me in the first few dates, and all signs were there to me that she was in to me. I wasn't putting on any pressure or smothering her. We had a lot of fun, although sometimes when I was with her it felt like she was putting up a wall or not quite letting me in. Despite that we would always joke around, had really good chemistry and would have very deep, intellectual conversations. She told her friends and family about me.

In the past week or so everything seemed to change. She had sex with me (after saying she wanted to take it slow) about a week ago. I didn't see her for a week and in between that time something seemed to have changed where she was not initiating as much. We had discussed one of us sleeping over at the other's place and that was going to happen this weekend. I met up with her a couple of nights ago to hang out and was shocked to hear her tell me that she didn't feel ready for a relationship. Her "really liked me" turned into "liked me" - she didn't reveal all that much in detail. She mentioned she had a 6 month very intense relationship before we went out (I think it ended about 2 months before we met) and that he was still pining for her in the background but she wanted nothing to do with him and never take him back.

Look, I've dated a lot over the years, and had a horrible experience once with a woman who was kind of in a similar situation where someone was in the background and her heart wasn't in to it, and so I was very careful about getting into anything more serious with her before I was sure this wasn't an issue. Well, it turned out she didn't want anything more serious obviously.

I didn't know her that well, so can't say I'm heartbroken or anything, but am pretty hurt and sad and frustrated by it all. Especially since all of the signs pointed to her really liking me and having a great time with me, up until the past week or so. I asked her to just be honest and say if it was something between us, and she said it was completely her emotional space. She felt she had a wall up and couldn't let me in. Is that something she's making up because maybe her attraction level wasn't high enough? Or is it true? I have no idea.

Anyways, I do suffer from self-esteem problems so these kinds of things always sting. I'd love people's opinions on this. I know there isn't too much information since it was pretty short-lived, but everything about what she was saying and doing screamed she was in to it and wanted to see where it went. Maybe the second she felt it was going to another level she got scared? Or didn't want ME? That's what's so frustrating. She said it's nothing I did.

I think we ended our last meeting by just asking each other what we each wanted, and I was obviously looking ideally for a partner/relationship and she wasn't so sure what she wanted. She didn't seem very emotional or sad about it - it was very robotic. Almost like "get the hell out of here!" - but she said she didn't expect that kind of conversation to come up, I guess it just did.

I'm 32 now, have had my fair share of relationships, but this one really stings for some reason. Just when you think something might bloom it doesn't. So hard to not come down on myself - she mentioned on more than one occasion how "kind" of a person I was and how much fun she was having. How can things change on a dime so fast?? I really liked her :(

I think we ended our last meeting by just asking each other what we each wanted, and I was obviously looking ideally for a partner/relationship and she wasn't so sure what she wanted. ..she said it was completely her emotional space. She felt she had a wall up and couldn't let me in. Is that something she's making up because maybe her attraction level wasn't high enough? Or is it true? I have no idea.

Or, sorry to say, perhaps just not with you. Women say things like that to you to let you down gently.

Let it go - better that she bailed out now before you became more invested in this. You should be thankful for that.

Set yourself some fitness/career goals for the next 6 weeks or or so, and then have a look at other ladies you might ask out.

Sorry. I know how much this hurts. I have no answers. She just isn't into you like you are her, and who knows if this other guy is playing a role or if she needs to take a break to heal and getting lost in this whirlwind scares her? Agreed, despite how much it sucks, it's better to know now than a few months down the road when you're more invested. I think it seems harder at this stage because you never really moved out of the honeymoon phase and never really had a chance to recognize incompatibilities that probably would have popped up given her quick shift this early. I still have some feelings for someone that I really thought was taking off, but clearly it wasn't going to work out...not on his end, anyway. If it's meant to be, she'll be back around. Time to move on, concentrate on yourself, like as mentioned above; throw your focus on something to enhance your personal psyche, and date other women. Best wishes.

Sorry to hear this. Sounds like she is on/off and at the very least still communicating with this guy. Just go no contact, that's all you can do. Don't be her backup plan or get friendzoned.

She mentioned she had a 6 month very intense relationship before we went out (I think it ended about 2 months before we met) and that he was still pining for her.

What I'm going to say might sting and for that I am sorry. But from everything you described, it sounds like she changed her mind based on how things went in the bedroom.

Thanks for your advice all. I really appreciate it. I'm definitely going no contact. I've been in situations like this with women before who I could tell weren't sure they were in to me or were hot and cold, but this did not feel like the case at all which is why the rapid shift has me feeling so ty. I deal with a lot of mental health issues which for the most part I have under control, but rejection of any kind, particular in dating/relationships, sting the most. So badly. In the past few weeks I had started to like her and was preparing myself mentally to keep going despite the fear of rejection. And I ended up getting rejected!

Everybody I talked to about her thought she totally digged me, just wanted to go slow a bit which we were. She would call me, initiate texts, etc... and it all just turned so quickly - like the past 4-5 days. I think that's what hurts the most. The hope and connection which I feel I rarely get with someone, all for it to just disappear so unexpectedly.

She talked about this intense relationship more so in the past few days - and was the "theme" of the talk last night. I have to assume it's just a nice way to let me down. I generally have a good sense of when women are in to me or not and every piece of evidence pointed to her being in to me. That is what is just crushing me right now. I'm sorry, I know it wasn't anything serious, but it just hurts a lot.

It sounds like they have been talking and are now getting back together.

She talked about this intense relationship more so in the past few days - and was the "theme" of the talk last night.

That's my hunch. Oh well - I'm glad I found out earlier than later. And I saw that as a red flag and did things to protect myself like not continuing to want to see her while she was so confused.

What I'm going to say might sting and for that I am sorry. But from everything you described, it sounds like she changed her mind based on how things went in the bedroom.

Yup^. Beat me to it Sherry. Losing interest after sex is not uncommon, it happens.

Sorry OP. :(

Yup^. Beat me to it Sherry. Losing interest after sex is not uncommon, it happens.

 

Sorry OP. :(

Could be. We have many heavy make out sessions, an oral sex session where I gave her an orgasm and sex once. It's true it may be the reason, who knows, but I can't believe that after one time having sex with me that would be the end of it? I don't know - she says she felt very physically attracted to me and even after we had sex she was still in her super interested mode - it wasn't until a few days ago (we had sex over a week ago) that things shifted so dramatically.

Could be. We have many heavy make out sessions, an oral sex session where I gave her an orgasm and sex once. It's true it may be the reason, who knows, but I can't believe that after one time having sex with me that would be the end of it? I don't know - she says she felt very physically attracted to me and even after we had sex she was still in her super interested mode - it wasn't until a few days ago (we had sex over a week ago) that things shifted so dramatically.

Fair enough, your original post said that after you had sex, you didn't see her for a week and during that time, things changed, she wasn't as forthcoming or attentive. Perhaps I misunderstood.

Anyway, who knows, doesn't really matter.

I'm glad you're moving on, best of luck.

Fair enough, your original post said that after you had sex, you didn't see her for a week and during that time, things changed, she wasn't as forthcoming or attentive. Perhaps I misunderstood.

 

Anyway, who knows, doesn't really matter.

 

I'm glad you're moving on, best of luck.

Thanks - ya things were fine for the first few days after (she actually started to seem more clingy!) but then faded a bit just in the past 3-4 days. So something must have happened. I hate it! The unexpected shift. So hard to figure out. I'll move on I'm sure, just right now I'm stunned and trying to just keep moving forward. I know how hard it is to fine compatibility on a number of levels and felt I had that with her.

Sorry about this.

You're going to fret about this for a bit, and feel some stuff, both because you were vibing with her and because the sudden pivot is drudging up some ptsd from the past. And then you'll stop fretting, stop analyzing, shrug and move on.

Dating is a game of craps. Hot one night, cold the next, and you never quite know if the glue is really there, because the truth is that early on you really don't know if it's the person you're vibing with or your projection.

I've been her, I've been you. It's a bummer. Try to distract yourself from the spin, maybe it comes back around, maybe not.

Sorry but it sounds like a very typical whirlwind romance and what burns so hot so fast, burns out equally fast. These kinds of things aren't about you or what you did or didn't do. It's about the other person their emotional instability and you actually had some warning signs of that as you were going along. For example the hot pursuit, the quick how much she is sooo into you even though she doesn't know enough, the wanting to take it slow and then sleeping with you fast - all red flags really. Invariably though, when you are dealing with someone who is emotionally unstable, you will find yourself exactly where you are - their intense attention sent you into a high and their sudden about face dropped you into a deep and confusing low. Next time you come across this kind of a situation....beware and don't be so ready to eat up the attention. Better yet, smile and back away.

but I can't believe that after one time having sex with me that would be the end of it? I don't know - she says she felt very physically attracted to me and even after we had sex she was still in her super interested mode - it wasn't until a few days ago (we had sex over a week ago) that things shifted so dramatically.

I can. It's possible she just didn't feel the connection / spark she wanted to feel with you while having sex... and it took her a few days to process and come to a decision. It's also possible the intimacy of sex with you scared her and she indeed isn't ready to move into anything more with you.

Either way... I completely understand the feelings around it, I am a sensitive person too so I tend to take these things personally and it takes me a while to shake it off.

Chin up my friend.

Sorry but it sounds like a very typical whirlwind romance and what burns so hot so fast, burns out equally fast. These kinds of things aren't about you or what you did or didn't do. It's about the other person their emotional instability and you actually had some warning signs of that as you were going along. For example the hot pursuit, the quick how much she is sooo into you even though she doesn't know enough, the wanting to take it slow and then sleeping with you fast - all red flags really. Invariably though, when you are dealing with someone who is emotionally unstable, you will find yourself exactly where you are - their intense attention sent you into a high and their sudden about face dropped you into a deep and confusing low. Next time you come across this kind of a situation....beware and don't be so ready to eat up the attention. Better yet, smile and back away.

Thanks for this. I mean it wasn't that long (maybe 3-4 weeks) but it was just so crazy to me how things could pivot so quickly. She seemed so in to me, and then it changed and it was during a time I hadn't seen her for a few days. Then she started initiating more. I went over last night and she said she had no intention of bringing this up, but it just happened naturally I guess because the conversation of the guy she was seeing that ended somehow came up and she went on about how intense it was, how it crashed and burned, how angry she was because he was emotionally abusive, how she would never get back with him, but also that she saw him recently and that made me think maybe they've been talking? She mentioned he seemed sorry and wanted her back. I don't know. All I know is, I've actually been in this kind of situation before that lasted longer and I got really burned. I think I was smart to kind of fish around a bit and not come on too strong, but ultimately my fate was sealed regardless.

She sent me a note saying I've got all the qualities she wants in someone and thinks I'm amazing but she feels she can only give me 1/2 of what she can right now, and that she needs to be on her own.

The hardest thing for me is just the idea that someone is so in to you, and then gone, and it hurts because you wonder 1. what is it about you they don't like (for me, it's always been maybe I'm too sweet, too nice, too boring?) but I don't honestly feel I'm boring and 2. the hope of what could have been based on how she was reacting so positively. I'm just so upset. I don't know why this is getting to me so much. I do have a horrible time with rejection and now just think I'll never meet anyone. Here was someone I was so compatible with sexually, emotionally and in so many other areas. And she just bailed on it.

Thanks for this. I mean it wasn't that long (maybe 3-4 weeks) but it was just so crazy to me how things could pivot so quickly. She seemed so in to me, and then it changed and it was during a time I hadn't seen her for a few days. Then she started initiating more. I went over last night and she said she had no intention of bringing this up, but it just happened naturally I guess because the conversation of the guy she was seeing that ended somehow came up and she went on about how intense it was, how it crashed and burned, how angry she was because he was emotionally abusive, how she would never get back with him, but also that she saw him recently and that made me think maybe they've been talking? She mentioned he seemed sorry and wanted her back. I don't know. All I know is, I've actually been in this kind of situation before that lasted longer and I got really burned. I think I was smart to kind of fish around a bit and not come on too strong, but ultimately my fate was sealed regardless.

 

She sent me a note saying I've got all the qualities she wants in someone and thinks I'm amazing but she feels she can only give me 1/2 of what she can right now, and that she needs to be on her own.

 

The hardest thing for me is just the idea that someone is so in to you, and then gone, and it hurts because you wonder 1. what is it about you they don't like (for me, it's always been maybe I'm too sweet, too nice, too boring?) but I don't honestly feel I'm boring and 2. the hope of what could have been based on how she was reacting so positively. I'm just so upset. I don't know why this is getting to me so much. I do have a horrible time with rejection and now just think I'll never meet anyone. Here was someone I was so compatible with sexually, emotionally and in so many other areas. And she just bailed on it.

But that's just the thing - they aren't really that into you. They are into their own fantasy and their own high. Usually plugging some emotional void and you are just a tool for now. These situations are literally never ever about you. She doesn't know you enough to reject you as a person, as a human being. You've got to understand that in such a short time, she doesn't know you at all. So the rejection is not personal and not about you. In a way, she is being honest with you that the about face is just all about her and her issues. Do accept that because it's actually true and you've dodged a bullet in this case. This girl is a hot mess.

What you are telling about her history of volatile, instant, all in relationships - just another huge red flag for you.

Just do yourself a huge favor and next time a woman throws herself at you like that, run in the opposite direction. It's never going to end well. Ironically, usually women are more exposed to this kind of run hot and suddenly cold behavior, but obviously this isn't limited to one sex. Both can pull this kind of stuff.

A few reasons. One, after you slept together, you didn't make any plans for a full week! Yikes! Especially if you've been regularly seeing eachother every few days or so. Could make her feel used, so she wants to pump the brakes, or make you chase a bit.

Or two, you were really bad in bed.

Three, someone else better came along or was before you, and now things getting serious.

But that's just the thing - they aren't really that into you. They are into their own fantasy and their own high. Usually plugging some emotional void and you are just a tool for now. These situations are literally never ever about you. She doesn't know you enough to reject you as a person, as a human being. You've got to understand that in such a short time, she doesn't know you at all. So the rejection is not personal and not about you. In a way, she is being honest with you that the about face is just all about her and her issues. Do accept that because it's actually true and you've dodged a bullet in this case. This girl is a hot mess.

 

What you are telling about her history of volatile, instant, all in relationships - just another huge red flag for you.

 

Just do yourself a huge favor and next time a woman throws herself at you like that, run in the opposite direction. It's never going to end well. Ironically, usually women are more exposed to this kind of run hot and suddenly cold behavior, but obviously this isn't limited to one sex. Both can pull this kind of stuff.

But see I don't feel I dodged a bullet. I feel I just lost someone who I was very compatible with and got SO excited to see and was so happy to see her name come up when she messaged me. Here interest in me felt so real. I just don't understand it and it just hurts so much. I wish it didn't. I literally can't get out of bed. I had to build up the courage to break through my fears and face them and take a chance on her, and I did, and of course it backfires again. I wish I could brush it off more easily but I just can't.

A few reasons. One, after you slept together, you didn't make any plans for a full week! Yikes! Especially if you've been regularly seeing eachother every few days or so. Could make her feel used, so she wants to pump the brakes, or make you chase a bit.

 

Or two, you were really bad in bed.

 

Three, someone else better came along or was before you, and now things getting serious.

I tried to make plans with her later that week but she was at a work thing all weekend day and night. She probably could have seen me later in the evening - but again, part of the "cold". She genuinely seemed to enjoy the sex with me and orgasmed and we had other very hot sexual sessions and she mentioned it not being a physical issue. But I guess I'll never know. My hunch is the guy before me was more appealing to her but I don't know. Why does this make me feel so ty that I can't get out of bed??? It affects me so much and I know it shouldn't.

But see I don't feel I dodged a bullet. I feel I just lost someone who I was very compatible with and got SO excited to see and was so happy to see her name come up when she messaged me. Here interest in me felt so real. I just don't understand it and it just hurts so much. I wish it didn't. I literally can't get out of bed. I had to build up the courage to break through my fears and face them and take a chance on her, and I did, and of course it backfires again. I wish I could brush it off more easily but I just can't.

Break it down logically. Just like she doesn't know you, you also don't know her. After a few dates, you really cannot say that you were soooo compatible. It takes months to actually learn that, not a few fun dates. That said, I'm guessing that you've been lonely and this woman showed you such intense attention. Your ego was flattered, it felt amazing and now you miss that high. That's actually normal and it will pass. Just try to keep things in perspective and not make this out to be more than it was in your mind. Own your ego too. She stroked it, you enjoyed it....but there wasn't more to this than that at this point. Also, give yourself some time to calm down. In other words be kind to yourself. Go make yourself do something you really like. Remind yourself not to blow this out of proportion and after you calm down a bit, you will realize that you did dodge a bullet. I know it doesn't feel like it now, it feels more like withdrawal from a feel good drug and that part always sucks. It does get better though if you make a serious effort to move past it.

Break it down logically. Just like she doesn't know you, you also don't know her. After a few dates, you really cannot say that you were soooo compatible. It takes months to actually learn that, not a few fun dates. That said, I'm guessing that you've been lonely and this woman showed you such intense attention. Your ego was flattered, it felt amazing and now you miss that high. That's actually normal and it will pass. Just try to keep things in perspective and not make this out to be more than it was in your mind. Own your ego too. She stroked it, you enjoyed it....but there wasn't more to this than that at this point. Also, give yourself some time to calm down. In other words be kind to yourself. Go make yourself do something you really like. Remind yourself not to blow this out of proportion and after you calm down a bit, you will realize that you did dodge a bullet. I know it doesn't feel like it now, it feels more like withdrawal from a feel good drug and that part always sucks. It does get better though if you make a serious effort to move past it.

I know it takes time, but there was so much potential, I think from both our viewpoints, so why just quit on it? That is my anger/frustration/sadness. And yeah, I am a lonely guy who has severe issues with self-esteem and the like and it is a lot of work emotionally to even prep myself to go out and see her. Why just quit on it? I just can't help the way I feel. I am so hurt beyond words. I know it seems I'm whining and there are bigger problems in life. But this is just very fresh.

OP like DF said, she is an unstable gal. Unstable people are usually much more intense (first-hand experience here). It's this (damaged) intensity which is quite attractive and instigates emotions. It has nothing to do with you. Let it go.

OP like DF said, she is an unstable gal. Unstable people are usually much more intense (first-hand experience here). It's this (damaged) intensity which is quite attractive and instigates emotions. It has nothing to do with you. Let it go.

How do you know she's unstable? Maybe she just didn't want me and made up the part about only being "half" invested. I don't get the signs of any instability. She seemed to be totally fine going slowly and had a lot of social commitments with friends and seemed happy.

I know it takes time, but there was so much potential, I think from both our viewpoints, so why just quit on it? That is my anger/frustration/sadness. And yeah, I am a lonely guy who has severe issues with self-esteem and the like and it is a lot of work emotionally to even prep myself to go out and see her. Why just quit on it? I just can't help the way I feel. I am so hurt beyond words. I know it seems I'm whining and there are bigger problems in life. But this is just very fresh.

There is NO potential with someone who is unstable and effed up like she is. The sooner you internalize that and let go of fantasy of who you think she should be, the better.