My girlfriend has lots of male friend and her behavior makes me insecure.

Sorry for the long story but please read.

So, I've been dating with this girl for three and a half months. We have a 9 years gap but we met online and got into serious relationship very quickly. I knew she has few guy friends when I started to date her and I'm pretty cool about it at that time tough two of them are her exes(She only got in dating twice before me, as she claimed). But she has two habits that making me really insecure and uncomfortable. She always try to not let me see her phone when shes texting somebody and she quickly swipe up the notifications when it pops up on the phone. She also tried to hide the relationship on social media as well as to most of her male friends.

But recently, I started working from August so I cant afford an entire day to accompany her.

However, started from about two weeks before I spotted her become little bit distant to me, she said she felt pressured and tired of studying and wanted to go travel during weekends with her cousin(girl). So I allowed her to do so, but she didnt reply my message in a reasonable time(e.g. more than 30 mins or 1 hr sometimes) even though I knew her was playing the game on mobile phone which is the game we share so much and had so much fun with. She hide the relationship status with me and her match records so I didnt know who was she playing with. So I augured with her many times in these two days regarding the issues as she finally agreed to let me see the records, I found out she was playing with other guys online.

She always tells me she loves me and wont cheat on me but her behavior proved otherwise. I dont really understand, why playing with other guys on the game rather than me? She also opened up her emotions to them but not me because she thinks I will not understand or blame her. but Im her boyfriend alright, why shes acting like this? Im really afraid shes one of the attention seeker and probably will fall in love with one of those guys one day.

But most importantly, even I argued with her and pointed out her mistakes she said sorry but I can tell she doesnt really want to change and she said it was my own imagination for accusing her cheating. Also, she is quite selfish and doesnt really care how I feel until I have to argue with her and pointing out her mistakes every time.

I really dont want to leave this girl because I love her so much and Im attached to her. I know it may because of my low confidence cause my insecure issue but what should I do about it? And what should I do to her?

Feel free to ask me any questions so I can give you more details.

***So I allowed her to do so, but she didnt reply my message in a reasonable time(e.g. more than 30 mins or 1 hr sometimes)***

I have a serious problem with this part of your post. What is this crap that you allowed her to go somewhere with a female cousin? You dont own her, she is not your property. She does not need you to allow her to do anything.

My next issue is the time limit you seem to be imposing on her as to how long she has to reply to a text. Are you her warden? If she is busy doing anything, or even nothing, where is it written that she must reply to a text within one hour? Good god, get a grip.

You dont trust her, she seems secretive and you claim you love her! That's not love when you put stipulations on people like you are doing and "allowing" them to do totally normal things. I'd tell you to hit the road.

What should you "do" to her? Say see ya, it's been nice, I'm a possessive jerk so you should go find a guy who is not like me.

I will assume you are young, a mature man would not say the things you have.

I agree with the above poster that you don't seem to have trust in your girlfriend and you are too possessive when it comes to her "answering" to you. She doesn't need your permission to have male friends, go on a trip, etc. Without trust, you really don't have much of a long-term potential with her, not for a healthy relationship at least. There are plenty of valid reasons why someone may not answer a text within an hour that have nothing to do with cheating. Your expectations in that regard would have me feeling smothered and controlled.

However, that said, her hiding your relationship is a red flag. Quickly swiping notifications away and acting overly protective of her phone would have me questioning things, too, especially in conjunction with hiding that you're dating. So I think that while it's unhealthy to try to be her warden, your gut is likely onto something. Now, I don't feel people have a right to go through each other's phones, but I also think that her behavior around you would draw most people's attention.

I don't really think that this relationship is going to go anywhere good, per se, because of the above.

***So I allowed her to do so, but she didnt reply my message in a reasonable time(e.g. more than 30 mins or 1 hr sometimes)***

 

I have a serious problem with this part of your post. What is this crap that you allowed her to go somewhere with a female cousin? You dont own her, she is not your property. She does not need you to allow her to do anything.

 

My next issue is the time limit you seem to be imposing on her as to how long she has to reply to a text. Are you her warden? If she is busy doing anything, or even nothing, where is it written that she must reply to a text within one hour? Good god, get a grip.

 

You dont trust her, she seems secretive and you claim you love her! That's not love when you put stipulations on people like you are doing and "allowing" them to do totally normal things. I'd tell you to hit the road.

 

What should you "do" to her? Say see ya, it's been nice, I'm a possessive jerk so you should go find a guy who is not like me.

 

I will assume you are young, a mature man would not say the things you have.

Sorry there was a typo, it should be "she told me she'll go on a trip with her female cousin, and I just said ok." rather that "allowing her to do so". There were too much going on inside my mind so I cant even type correctly.

Regardless of the wording your behavior appears to be very controlling. She is playing online with other males... so what? How does this constitute as unfaithful? How old are you if I may ask? It sounds like you have some maturing to do, as this relationship already appears riddled with trust issues and arguments, and you've only been dating for 3 months.

In regards to her hiding your relationship on social media, personally I think 3 months into a relationship is too soon to be posting about it on social media platforms, but people differ in this. Have you posted about your relationship? And I agree with a previous post, hiding her phone and notifications from you is a bit shady, and would have me questioning things too. However, given your controlling behavior perhaps it is innocent and she is afraid that they might set you off, and have you thinking she's cheating, since you are inclined to do so anyways.

Sorry there was a typo, it should be "she told me she'll go on a trip with her female cousin, and I just said ok." rather that "allowing her to do so". There were too much going on inside my mind so I cant even type correctly.

If you want people to understand, slow down and read over what you have typed before posting it.

I wouldn't say you are controlling, but I would say your expectations don't match hers. You can't muscle/convince her into changing her lifestyle. She likes her little orbiters, they make her feel good, and she's not going to give them up for you. You only have two choices, accept it, or walk.

Keeping ex's around is a common problem posted about here. Some think it is perfectly okay to stay "Friends" with ex's and others think it is a bad idea. Which ever camp you land in the one thing I can tell you is that keeping ex's as friends does nothing to make the current relationship stronger, more trusting, loving and happy.

Basically one person has one or several fall back options and the other person is waiting for the next argument for them to run to a "Friend" for support.

Regardless if you think it is okay or not she has hide your relationship from "Friends", lied to you and hasn't taken your feelings into consideration. That is not good for a relationship in any culture.

I am curious what she gets out of these friendships that she cannot get from you?

If her actions make you feel bad and she doesn't seem to care and will not put you first in the relationship then break up with her before you get in any deeper. No ultimatums, no threats, just end this now even though it will hurt a great deal. Feeling like this for another year and then breaking up will be much worse.

I am sorry

Lost

At 3 months --- 12 WEEKS into a relationship - i am not going to broadcast it to the world. My very closest friends will know that i am seeing someone, but not everyone on the internet. You say you "typed wrong" - a typo is a mispelling, not saying what the truth is, but forgetting to sugarcoat it.

You DO sound very controlling. Also, it is not your business to see who is texting her. You have been dating for 12 weeks - you trust her or don't trust her. Plain and simple. She doesn't have to let you keep extra tabs on her to earn it

To be honest, it just sounds like she is way too young to be in a serious relationship with anyone. Yes, she is enjoying attention from other guys and that's probably about right for her age. You can't control that. It also sounds like there is no way that she has the emotional maturity to provide you with the kind of mutually supportive relationship that you want. Basically, this isn't going to work.

To make things worse, your response to all this is trying to control. Calling her/texting her while she is away and demanding that she respond in a set time frame is quite frankly crazy on your part. I'd actually chew you out for that kind of behavior and dump you if you don't get the message. A phone is not a leash on a person. There is also no reason why she shouldn't be playing and talking with other people in game. Again, you are being controlling.

Instead of trying to control, I think you need to admit that this isn't working and end things. Don't claim that you are so in love after just three months. That's not love, that's lust. Plenty of other pretty girls out there that are perhaps more mature, ready for a real relationship, won't hide your existence, and can actually make a good partner to you in more ways than just being pretty. This girl isn't there yet...and some never get there.

Sorry for the long story but please read.

She always try to not let me see her phone when shes texting somebody and she quickly swipe up the notifications when it pops up on the phone. She also tried to hide the relationship on social media as well as to most of her male friends.

Somewhere in the middle is the truth I am sure... why do you feel she needs to let you see her notifications and/or make your relationship public on social media after only 3 months?

But recently, I started working from August so I cant afford an entire day to accompany her.

This seems smothering... why do you need to be glued to her side all the time?

However, started from about two weeks before I spotted her become little bit distant to me, she said she felt pressured and tired of studying and wanted to go travel during weekends with her cousin(girl). So I allowed her to do so, but she didnt reply my message in a reasonable time(e.g. more than 30 mins or 1 hr sometimes) even though I knew her was playing the game on mobile phone which is the game we share so much and had so much fun with. She hide the relationship status with me and her match records so I didnt know who was she playing with. So I augured with her many times in these two days regarding the issues as she finally agreed to let me see the records, I found out she was playing with other guys online.

Expecting her to reply right away, "allowing" her to travel (even though you say you didn't mean it that way you still said it which means you were thinking it) demanding she allow you to see who she is playing the game with... smothering and controlling behaviors.

She always tells me she loves me and wont cheat on me but her behavior proved otherwise. I dont really understand, why playing with other guys on the game rather than me? She also opened up her emotions to them but not me because she thinks I will not understand or blame her. but Im her boyfriend alright, why shes acting like this? Im really afraid shes one of the attention seeker and probably will fall in love with one of those guys one day.

How has her behavior proved she will cheat? Because she has male friends? Because she plays an online game with people who happen to be male? You seem to think that just because you two are dating that she must now forgo any friendships she has (especially male ones) and focus all of her attention on you. The ex's I get but the rest... not so much.

But most importantly, even I argued with her and pointed out her mistakes she said sorry but I can tell she doesnt really want to change and she said it was my own imagination for accusing her cheating. Also, she is quite selfish and doesnt really care how I feel until I have to argue with her and pointing out her mistakes every time.

What mistakes? And why should she change anything? What is she doing wrong? If you are pointing out her mistakes all the time no wonder she wants nothing to do with you and is being distant and hiding things!

I really dont want to leave this girl because I love her so much and Im attached to her. I know it may because of my low confidence cause my insecure issue but what should I do about it? And what should I do to her?

None of your behaviors speak of loving behaviors. It sounds like obsessive, controlling, insecure unhealthy attachment to this girl. You don't trust her, and you constantly criticize everything she does and point out her mistakes. Why do you want to be in a relationship like this?

I wonder if you chose someone so much younger thinking you could mold them into what you wanted... only to find out that women of every age like to be independent, supported, trusted, and appreciated.

I think the bigger concern here is, why are you dating a 15 year old girl?

Is is customary where you are for a 24 y/o man to be pursuing a 15 y/o girl? Is this an arranged marriage situation?👶👨

I think the bigger concern here is, why are you dating a 15 year old girl?

Usually when the person you are dating is still friendly with exes it is a bad sign.

When a woman has many guy friends and is flirty and friendly with them she usually has self esteem issues and needs the attention.

In both cases they are not good relationship material and should only be dating/fwb material.

This advice will save you a lot of trouble down the road. Never get involved with these types of women...

I think the bigger concern here is, why are you dating a 15 year old girl?

Missed this info... You should not be doing this, if this is true This is not cool at all!

Grow up and date adult women, no excuse for this at all.....

I think the bigger concern here is, why are you dating a 15 year old girl?

He didn't confirm which way the age gap went. I think many are assuming it is he who is older, but until he confirms we shouldn't burn at the stake.

 

However, started from about two weeks before I spotted her become little bit distant to me, she said she felt pressured and tired of studying and wanted to go travel during weekends with her cousin(girl). So I allowed her to do so, but she didnt reply my message in a reasonable time(e.g. more than 30 mins or 1 hr sometimes)

This sounds more like a father/daughter RL than a boyfriend/girlfriend RL. I mean you "allowed" her to do so, to spend time with her cousin? What's that about?

And she didn't respond to your message in a "reasonable" time? What's a reasonable time to you? 5 minutes? 10 minutes? Immediately? Just curious.

He didn't confirm which way the age gap went. I think many are assuming it is he who is older, but until he confirms we shouldn't burn at the stake.

True but the fact he hasn't responded clarifying is pretty telling combined with his attempts to control her, not hard to determine which way it is.

IMO of course.

He didn't confirm which way the age gap went. I think many are assuming it is he who is older, but until he confirms we shouldn't burn at the stake.

Right, but he did say this:

she said she felt pressured and tired of studying and wanted to go travel during weekends with her cousin(girl).

OP... are you really a 24 year old dating a 15 year old?! If so, I don't know where you live but in the country I live in, an adult dating / sleeping with a teenager can be charged with statutory rape. What do her parents say about you hanging out with / dating her?

They are in China. It's unclear if arranged marriages etc begin at an early age in various nations. There may not be intercourse until marriage in various countries/territories.

are you really a 24 year old dating a 15 year old. sleeping with a teenager can be charged with statutory rape.

They are in China. It's unclear if arranged marriages etc begin at an early age in various nations. There may not be intercourse until marriage in various countries/territories.

It is stated in his original post that they met online...

They are in China. It's unclear if arranged marriages etc begin at an early age in various nations. There may not be intercourse until marriage in various countries/territories.

In China it's rare and would be considered VERY old fashioned to have an arranged marriage, especially in urban areas. Not to say that parents don't try to push their children in certain directions when it comes to marriage but most people marry based on their own personal choices.

That being said... it would seem you are correct about age in this case not being a factor, apparently the statutory age limit in China is 14.

Here is the thing bro. As im sure you've picked up on but haven't started trusting is that gut feeling you have. you are right actions do speak louder then words and you can hear it in the tone of voice when someone apoligizes whether or not they are seeking to improve themselves or to end the conversation sooner in order to get back to her ways. I have been in your shoes and it does make me quite uncomfortable when a girl is hiding her texts on her phone and making it obvious that she is putting in effort to do so. But i have noticed is that it usually makes things worse if you tell her how bothered you are by the subject rather then merely commenting on it and letting the truth arise from her.

 

I know it may because of my low confidence cause my insecure issue but what should I do about it?

 

And what should I do to her?

I don't understand the second question (bolded), perhaps you can clarify what you mean?

The short answer to your dilemma is there is nothing you can do about it, except accept the fact the girl is 15 years old and is behaving exactly like a 15 year old girl behaves.

You can't control it or her no matter how hard you try, in fact the harder you try, the faster she will rebel against it. You're not her father, it's not your place to act like one.

While it may be legal in your country to date a 15 year old girl, it's important to be realistic too.

She's 15! She is still technically a child. To expect any more from her other than what you're currently getting is unrealistic and unreasonable.

Best to focus on yourself, your own insecurities, lack of confidence and low self-esteem.

Best of luck.

It's really creepy that you're dating a 15 year old girl.

And I doubt she loves you nor do you love her. It's all very suffocating your behaviour. It would drive anybody away.