17 years together, I moved out.

Hi all,

Been a long time since I've been here. This post, as all my others is about the same relationship with the same woman. I'm 45, she's 40.

I moved out. I left. Only been about a month of NC except for 2 texts from her saying she'll be taking me off the phone plan and that I forgot a few things at the apartment. So here's what happened.

We had a big fight in June and we were on the verge if breaking up. She went so far as to call the landlord to ask how to get me out. Meanwhile, she booked a month long (she's a teacher and has summers off) Europe trip to tag along with her sister and her man after I went to a music festival without her. She booked the trip on the same day I went to the fest and later told me she did it to spite me, to punish me.

When the end of June came up and I was supposed to leave we made up. She told me a bunch if things she was unsatisfied with in the relationship and I told her a bunch of things I was unsatisfied with also and i was thankful for the chance to improve. Through June, I tried to be a better man and never brought up the trip. Neither did she. She said she booked the trip because she thought we were breaking up. That was all she ever said. She never hinted to cancel reschedule or invite.It was the elephant in the room for a month.

While she was over there, I was getting text messages by the hour at work, at home telling me she should never have gone, that she feels bad and that she should have canceled. Meanwhile, social media is painting a different picture. She didn't look very regretful or sorry. All the time I was in confusion, hurting, angry, etc. Aftwr a dumb incident about her broken car, that I was apparently expected to fix, I told her I was leaving. She responds saying I just have hate in my heart and that she didn't want to see me anymore. So I packed up and left.

I guess what's killing me are the friends and family saying "why did you leave?" Like I'm a bad guy. We have a history, she and I which you can all read in my past folks. She cheated on me in 2006, we broke up then and got together in 2008. Getting back with her was a nightmare. I had to pursue her and I made it way too easy for her. In short, the cheating was the easiest thing to forgive but the way she handled this particular situation brought back memories, not of cheating but if how she pushed me out of my own life. We lived together back then too.

It's been hard for me. I miss her and I didn't leave because I didn't love her, I left because there was no one to love me. Lately, I've been doubting myself. Did I do the right thing? I always come back to a "yes."

The most confusing thing is that I believe she checked out, emotionally, in June. So why did she not follow through and end it? Why go through July if she had a trip booked without me in August?

Because its who she is. She kept with you when she was having sex with another man so why would she care to be the one to leave?

You're hurting now but with time and finally realizing that the two of you were not meant to be life mates, you'll be just fine. Don't contact her again and if you think she'll be able to hoover you back for round three of trying to make a life together then just block her now and save yourself further pain. She's not a very good person to be trusting your heart to.

I hope you feel better soon.

Sorry you're going through this.

From what you've written, its seems that, yes, you have unequivocally made the right call. The doubt you're feeling right now is to be expected. You two share a ton of history, and in a way those doubts are coping mechanisms—little dams created by your mind so you don't have to feel all the pain at once. Because there's clearly a lot of pain in there, and whatever the circumstances, there is a lot of pain in letting something go after so much time. It's going to take a while to feel the full weight of it, but you can handle it.

You guys have tried. And tried and tried and tried. And along that road I bet there have been some spectacular times, growth, connection, all of it. Great. Real forever. You were able to confront what for many is the greatest pain of all—infidelity—and find a path through that. That's special. I'd be proud of that, and not at all ashamed and spinning over the fact that 12 years later some of those feelings got stirred up again. That's a forever thorn, even when we learn to live with it with grace.

What I see, reading this, is that it's clear you guy have tried enough. Anxiety continuously trumps calmness; there's always a small fire brewing on the horizon just when the last has been put out. That's tiring. Neither of you need to live like that, and that's what living together is. You know that. You've lived it.

From a remove, the whole trip thing is just a proxy for the big issues that can't quite get resolved between you. I wouldn't spend too much time analyzing the footage, replaying it, and trying to see who stepped out of bounds when, why, where, and how. She booked it in a rash moment. You understood that, but kind of hoped she would to and do something about it. She didn't, not until she was away, and kind of felt like a fool. And she kinda sorta tried to explain that, but by then you were already too upset about the social media posts to really hear it.

Potholes even when you both tried to pave a smooth road. Too much corrosion in the pipes.

Dealing with friends and family is hard. You don't need to explain everything, and you don't need to bring up her past trespasses so they "get it." You left because you feel you both deserve a bigger love than you're able to give, and that's that. You're entitled to that feeling, just as people are entitled to not get it. It is hard. It is sad. Lean on those who can be compassionate, and keep distance from those from whom you feel judged. This is healing time.

Questions: What kind of pictures were you expecting? Her looking sad? Crying? No pictures? Do you think those picture perfect lives portrayed on Facebook or Instagram are real, that those people are always happy and up, never in pain, that their lunch always tastes as good as it looks in pictures? (BTW, I hope to never see a picture of someone's lunch or dinner again. About as uninteresting as a photo can get.) Do you think her cheating was the cause of the relationship problems rather than a symptom?

The trip isn't the problem. Let go of it. (You do things without her, too, right? Like music festivals...?) Couples don't have to do everything together. In fact, sometimes there isn't enough oxygen in the room for two people who spend all their time breathing the same air.

There's a great book I suggest you read - Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships. It's not a relationship book; it's a sociology book. It might provide you with some insights that may be helpful. It really helped me when my ex and I were splitting up.

Whatever you do, I wish you luck, but right now be very careful about making her out to be the villan, whether it's in your own head or with others It might be a real disservice to yourself in the future (you'll find out why in the book).

Be well.

Sorry to hear this. Where are you staying? Are there any loose ends to tie up with regard to the house, finances, stuff, etc.? If not you can go no contact to regroup and reflect. Then eventually you can start dating women you are more compatible with so a situation as combative, conflicted and complacent as this one won't happen again.

I couldn't have explained it better than bluecastle. Read and re-read what he wrote. I also am so very sorry that you are going through this. You are so heartbroken after all the time you've spent with her. Allow yourself to go through the grieving process. It sucks but you will be free one day. You sound like a wonderful, loving and caring person. You deserve better. Hang in there, OK?

The doubt is completely normal and to be expected... the important thing is that in your heart, you know you did the right thing for you. There is nothing easy about ending a relationship with so much history no matter how volatile or difficult it was. At the end of the day, if you have done everything you feel you could then at some point it becomes not only okay but necessary to let go.

Thanks everyone. I'm doing ok, like I said, just confused. I'm sure It will all sort out. For now I'm all about NC more for the fact that I just don't have anything more to say. Every complaint, grevience and cause of unhappiness is known to her. I've never hid anything from her. Guess I'm just done. Still hurts, though.