Gaslighting

Anybody here a gaslighter, come on! Why do you do you do it?

Anybody suffered in a relationship with a gaslighter?

How did you cope? Especially when the person is really meant to love you.

I was gaslighted a lot, by an ex.

How did I cope? I finally dumped his sorry arse and never regretted it.

Is this about your wife who you chronically think is cheating despite there being zero evidence of that? 😟 It may be time for a good physical and referral to a psychologist. Paranoia can be a symptom of neurological or psychiatric problems.

So, I did read your history... I don’t think I agree with psychologist - your wife is legitimately doing questionable things (going to hairdressers far out of town, lying to you, flirting with other men, etc)

... but I do think the trust is broken.

Has she always been flirty like this? Or are these newer behaviors?

I would suggest marriage councilling. Maybe she’s checking out of the relationship. Maybe things are just getting to you. But a lack of trust isn’t good...

To answer your original question, though, usually gaslighting is because someone wants to get away with something.

My dad is a gaslighter, hence I don’t talk to him often.

I actually never worked out what 'gaslighting' means. The term itself doesn't seem self evident. I guess I could google it! Hehe xx

Ah, gaslighting. . . no fun!! I do feel a bit gaslighted at times. How do I cope? I bury my head in the sand and try to pretend it is not happening, hehe.

"The term originates in the systematic psychological manipulation of a victim. In the story, a husband attempts to convince his wife and others that she is insane by manipulating small elements of their environment and insisting that she is mistaken, remembering things incorrectly, or delusional when she points out these changes.

The original title stems from the dimming of the gas lights in the house that happened when the husband was using the gas lights in the flat above while searching for the jewels belonging to a woman whom he had murdered. The wife correctly notices the dimming lights and discusses it with her husband, but he insists that she merely imagined a change in the level of illumination.

The term "gaslighting" has been used colloquially since the 1960s to describe efforts to manipulate someone's perception of reality."

I was in an abusive relationship with someone who gaslighted me a lot. The best course of action is to break up, block and delete these type of people. They never take responsibility for anything they do and they rarely change.

Yes, in my last relationship.

I actually watched both versions of the movie when the relationship ended, and I was like....aha!!

It’s a form of abuse. I have since deleted, blocked. He’s tried to contact me via other non-blockable methods, and I’ve continued to ignore.

My Ex was a gaslighter. Whenever I attempted to share my feelings about something, he would tell me it was my fault he was behaving that way... and then spend the next several hours sending me text messages that would crush me into submission. Even when I would block him he would find a way to get to me.

Why do people do it? It's a learned behavior to avoid taking responsibility, and to deflect attention from yourself to the other person. I've tried being a gaslighter (in situations where I was really angry or hurt... I haven't always been a good person) but I find it too hard to maintain... for me it takes a lot of energy to avoid taking responsibility. Easier for me to just own my $hit and deal with the consequences.

I'm not proud to say that I've gaslit. Long ago, when I was young and dumb, didn't know myself, was hiding from myself, didn't have the spine to be called out about who I was. It wasn't intentional. It was a broken piece of myself I hadn't reckoned with. Having reckoned with it, I can say I did because it's a lot easier to deflect your own bs than to deal with it. It's also a terrible way to be, disrespectful of others' feelings.

My last gf gaslit me hard. She cheated, lied, made me feel like everything was my fault even as she was the one engaging in indefensible behavior. Fun! How did I handle it? By remembering my past toxic self, knowing that toxic is toxic and toxic, and walking away.

I'm not proud to say that I've gaslit. Long ago, when I was young and dumb, didn't know myself, was hiding from myself, didn't have the spine to be called out about who I was. It wasn't intentional. It was a broken piece of myself I hadn't reckoned with. Having reckoned with it, I can say I did because it's a lot easier to deflect your own bs than to deal with it. It's also a terrible way to be, disrespectful of others' feelings.

 

My last gf gaslit me hard. She cheated, lied, made me feel like everything was my fault even as she was the one engaging in indefensible behavior. Fun! How did I handle it? By remembering my past toxic self, knowing that toxic is toxic and toxic, and walking away.

Wow, you should be so proud of yourself for recognizing your behavior, taking ownership in it, and making changes. Not many people can say all that, so good for you!

I'm not proud to say that I've gaslit. Long ago, when I was young and dumb, didn't know myself, was hiding from myself, didn't have the spine to be called out about who I was. It wasn't intentional. It was a broken piece of myself I hadn't reckoned with. Having reckoned with it, I can say I did because it's a lot easier to deflect your own bs than to deal with it. It's also a terrible way to be, disrespectful of others' feelings.

 

My last gf gaslit me hard. She cheated, lied, made me feel like everything was my fault even as she was the one engaging in indefensible behavior. Fun! How did I handle it? By remembering my past toxic self, knowing that toxic is toxic and toxic, and walking away.

Not many people recognise that they did this stuff in the past nor take responsibility. Congratulations for having so much self awareness!

Not many people recognise that they did this stuff in the past nor take responsibility. Congratulations for having so much self awareness!

Annia, and LHGirl: THANK YOU.

I won't bore you with the details of my life, but that both your words came in when needed.

I was actually shy and scared to post that, so, well, um, yeah.

Look at me: Mr. Too Many Words rendered wordless.

THANK YOU.

Yes I was gaslighted by one person several times over years . Well I stayed and It only got worse. I was silenced. My needs/wants/ everything ignored or turned around on me for wanting it. Or confronting them about xyz and them saying xyz is bcuz of u. It was never their issue. Only way to get around it is to leave bcuz over times it erodes your own sanity. If I ever met a gaslighter today I can spot it in a second and Id avoid them. This sneaky tactic is not so sneaky anymore to me.

I just got out of a relationship almost 3 months ago--mine tried to gaslight me when I confronted him about his abusive, mind f***ing behavior. He assumed that my memory wouldn't allow me to remember the accurate version of events that happened, but I had started journaling our arguments (dates, times and subject of argument) because he's manipulative as hell and I knew hed try to gaslight me and the version of events of what truly happened to suit his own lies and distortions. Starting in January of this year, I only had sex with him once a month between January and June, even skipping a month with no sex at all. I started detaching from him-- I knew i had to break that soul tie and get away from this insanity. When we DID have sex, I put in minimal effort so that he couldn't even enjoy it or even finish sometimes.

He was a vindictive person and always wanted revenge because he loved to punish and criticize. He picked a fight with me for no reason at all-- so finally fed up with all of his BS, I cut him off instantly. Just like that. For someone who doesn't like to be criticized, he was always critical of others. To never be held accountable, he always held everyone else "accountable." He never accepted blame or responsibility, but made damn sure you did or there was hell to pay. So to hell with him and his gaslighting. Cut people like that off and no contact them. They are more trouble than what they are worth.

People have been frank and honest. My conclusion is I’m not crazy, and gaslighting erodes a relationship. Especially when linked to strong sentiments of love, which makes it even more painful, but her actions tell otherwise and that’s the real manipulative person.

"The term originates in the systematic psychological manipulation of a victim. In the story, a husband attempts to convince his wife and others that she is insane by manipulating small elements of their environment and insisting that she is mistaken, remembering things incorrectly, or delusional when she points out these changes.

 

The original title stems from the dimming of the gas lights in the house that happened when the husband was using the gas lights in the flat above while searching for the jewels belonging to a woman whom he had murdered. The wife correctly notices the dimming lights and discusses it with her husband, but he insists that she merely imagined a change in the level of illumination.

 

The term "gaslighting" has been used colloquially since the 1960s to describe efforts to manipulate someone's perception of reality."

Thanks Wiseman!! Interesting / disturbing!!

The flirting has increased over last couple of years. This last year the worse. This week a company seminar. Company is not paying for hotel. But her and girlfriend have volunteered to pay and stay in hotel the night.

Now I use her gaslighting as a weather vane. I watch and smile.

How is this "suspicious" or gaslighting?

This week a company seminar. her and girlfriend have volunteered to pay and stay in hotel the night.

It’s a reply to someone else’s question.

A friend of mine actually believes she has suffered gaslighting from her parents. Especially from her mother. This has lead to her having certain issues in life. As anyone had such a similar experience? With a partner it is very hard to continue, but how does one heal such a rift with a parent?

Is this friend of yours, who you discuss your marital problems with and dissect your wife with, female?

It's a odd you would muse about all your wife's faults with some friend but won't go to marriage therapy. Are you hoping to build a case for divorce?

You can't fix her, her family, her mental state or her past. Focus on why your marriage is breaking down and why you keep thinking she is cheating or lying to you.

A friend of mine actually believes she has suffered gaslighting from her parents. how does one heal such a rift with a parent?

No, it’s a friend. And she needs help. And my relationship, sadly for all its faults, has finished. I never approached a friend on such issues. That’s why such a site as this was a useful sounding board, well most people’s comments anyway.

Game over.