date's parents are divorcing: what should I do?

Hey everyone,

I'm 23. I've never been in such a situation before and I'm kind of lost. A month ago I started dating a girl, everything was going great and attraction was super high. So much so that we ended

up in my bed on the third date. We used to text each other on a daily basis, until around 2 weeks ago when she went silent. I called her and discovered something awful: her parents are divorcing

and she's having a hard time at home with them. She became cold and acted distant, telling me "it's not about you, my life's a mess, I need you to be patient we might not see each other

for a while.." I'm a patient guy, I don't mind waiting for someone worth the effort. I was very understanding and mature and asserted I would stick around.

The fact is, my growing concern is she'll forget me over her issues. Now and then I text her. She's better now (a week later) but still won't commit to a new date. Even a 2-hour date to catch up

on our lives... on the other hand, when I put myself in her shoes I realize I couldn't be happy around a newly met guy knowing my parents are separating for good.

I feel like I'm losing interest as time passes... She can't give me anything "emotionally" right now, and I'm cool with that. But I need validation my wait is worth. I need confirmation our starting

relationship will continue.

I mean, she's beautiful, smart and I want her to become part of my life. Gosh, you know that feeling when you're about to fall in love... we just needed a few more dates.

I know what you guys are thinking: just wait. You're running too fast and she can't catch up at the moment. Man up and be a shoulder to cry on...

What would you do? Keep hitting her up every now and then? I know time is an attraction killer.

Go cold turkey and wait for her texting me? I don't consider that an option, as she's just going to forget me.

I hope a woman's advice too will come to my rescue. Might be easier for a woman to impersonate her.

Sorry for any grammar mistake (Italian boy here!)

Just listen when she is ready to talk.

I would say don't push for a date. If you are not dating anyone when she is ready for a date, go out with her.

She knows where to reach you and you haven't known her long enough to be by her side during this...don't be her shoulder to cry on.

It is good that you didn't ghost her after sleeping with her.

I agree on the fact I shouldn't be a shoulder to cry on. That would make me more of a friend than a potential partner.

I guess I'll wait some more and be ready when she's ready.

Leave her be. She is dealing with a lot. You should not expect her to go on dates.

Tell her to reach out when she's ready. Then, no more texting.

Do not wait around. You may never hear from her again. Continue to date.

Leave her be. She is dealing with a lot. You should not expect her to go on dates.

 

Tell her to reach out when she's ready. Then, no more texting.

 

Do not wait around. You may never hear from her again. Continue to date.

This ^^^. It's leaving the door open, but not putting her under pressure that she can't cope with right now.

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like after being in bed on the third date she is using the "it's me, not you" excuse to end things. If she were interested she would date you, regardless.

we ended up in my bed on the third date. still won't commit to a new date.

honestly, I thought about that too. However, she's dealing with a lot. She failed her exams because of the situation at home.

She told me that right now can't commit to someone... too much is going on in her life to "open up"

well, I guess Hollyj's advice is my go to.

She told me that right now can't commit to someone... too much is going on in her life to "open up"

well, I guess Hollyj's advice is my go to.

Yes, her advice is spot on. This girl is clearly telling you she doesn't want to continue dating you, or validate it's worth it for you to wait for her. I am telling you now; it is not worth it. It will be best to move on. State to her, if she wants to continue dating then to say so. Otherwise, keep moving on.

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like after being in bed on the third date she is using the "it's me, not you" excuse to end things. If she were interested she would date you, regardless.

I don't agree. If i were in her shoes, I would not have any emotions or energy left for someone else - particularly a VERY new relationship of only a few weeks. If her Grandfather died after a long illness or at 101 years old, she might be very sad, but her whole world is being upended particularly if she is living under their roof or currently going to college.

I agree with the telling her to contact him when she is ready and leaving her be. If they dated for 6 months, i would check in with her or stop and see her - but this is just too new.

well, she never really said she doesn't WANT to date me. Yesterday we had a long chat about this: she told me she can't give me any assurance, she's sorry her life is affecting our relationship

and she's not asking me to wait around. But added "I would be happy if we keep communicating via text and phone calls".

Fine. I'll grab your advice though, Yatsue... moving on (but checking on her time to time)

well, she never really said she doesn't WANT to date me. Yesterday we had a long chat about this: she told me she can't give me any assurance, she's sorry her life is affecting our relationship

and she's not asking me to wait around. But added "I would be happy if we keep communicating via text and phone calls".

Fine. I'll grab your advice though, Yatsue... moving on (but checking on her time to time)

I'm sorry. It hurts to accept it, but she doesn't want to. She is giving it to you lightly. I would take it as she says it; she doesn't want to invest in you. The sooner you realize it, the sooner you can find someone who does want to invest in you. I wish you luck.

 

She told me that right now can't commit to someone... too much is going on in her life to "open up"...

Interesting that she tells you this almost immediately after your third date (when you ended up in bed together).

How long has she known her parents were divorcing? Was this a sudden thing that just happened after your third date when you ended up in bed together?

Or has the divorce been in the works for awhile? Reason I ask is cause if it's been in the works for awhile, why did she ever start up with you in the first place, let alone end up in your bed, knowing that she's got "too much going on in her life" and "can't commit"?

I had a bf when my parents were divorcing. In fact, we had just started dating. I really liked him and it never occurred to me to stop seeing him because of this. To the contrary, I was super happy he was in my life to give me support when I needed it.

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like after being in bed on the third date she is using the "it's me, not you" excuse to end things. If she were interested she would date you, regardless.

I agree with Wiseman, sorry.

 

She failed her exams because of the situation at home.

 

Since she failed her exams (assuming that's even true) then obviously this divorce wasn't a sudden thing and she's known for awhile.

Which again begs the question, why did she ever start up with you in the first place, let alone end up in your bed?

Have you thought about that at all?

How long has she known her parents were divorcing? Was this a sudden thing that just happened after your third date when you ended up in bed together?

She knew it before, but after our third date her father received the divorce letter and things went down from there. She said she feels guilty as well for some reason. Everyone reacts differently. You had your bf's support.

She wants to resolve things on her own. Even if things are out of proportion right now.

We can assume everything and anything at this point:

she acted out of impulsiveness and didn't realize she couldn't invest in someone

she wanted some fun (doubt it - I have some experience in dating)

she told me the truth and possibly we'll meet again

The sooner you realize it, the sooner you can find someone who does want to invest in you. I wish you luck.

Thanks! Maybe she's the right person at the wrong time.

 

She knew it before, but after our third date her father received the divorce letter and things went down from there.

 

Did she fail her exams after your third date too?

I'm sorry AleS, I really don't mean to be such a downer, I know how these things go.

I'd just hate for you to hold on to some hope that she's gonna want to date you again someday; I personally don't think that will ever happen. I think she was trying to let you down easy and felt guilty as it was immediately after she went to bed with you, just my opinion.

It's not uncommon for people (men and women) to lose interest after sex, especially when sex happens early and the bond is still fragile.

I agree with Holly and others, whatever her reasons, she is not interested in pursuing this further and best to just move on for good.

Again I'm sorry, best of luck.

Did she fail her exams after your third date too?

yes. She couldn't focus on her books.

thanks for your responses, I'll keep in mind everything you said :)

Hi AleSommacal,

I don’t want to rock the boat here and I don’t mean to offend but even if some women were able to date when their parents are divorcing, that can’t be true for everybody. The divorce of parents affects children in various ways, depending on the parent-child relationship and the child’s personality, some are stronger, others in denial while others are devastated. Sometimes even one of the spouses seem normal and unaffected until they actually have the papers on their hand and all h* breaks loose.

My two cents is don’t second-guess her motives until you have solid proof. I would give her the benefit of the doubt until I am sure, but that’s me. I am in no way saying that the others’ hunch that she might be playing you might not be true, but just tread carefully if you value her. Be nice, polite, honest and ready to help her and keep communications open. That will keep your door partly open. But since you are not sure how long this will take, you might want to keep an eye for other relationships that might be more rewarding and stable, as you put it right person, wrong time.

Be nice, polite, honest and ready to help her and keep communications open.

Hi Perky,

that's what I'm striving to do right now, although it seems like it's a "one-way road". In the past 2 3 weeks it's always me initiating contact and keeping communication somewhat alive.

As stupid as it may seem, she even stopped liking my instagram posts. Three days ago I had an exam - she didn't bother asking whether I passed it or not.

But yeah, I need solid proof. She could be devastated. She could be fighting and arguing everyday with her parents. Let alone her parents' divorce, she's a guarded girl.

She doesn't want to appear weak or vulnerable.

I'm so confused

Unfortunately she is not interested. You can keep messaging her but she is ignoring you. You're not even in the friendzone. Stop messaging her. If she contacts you spontaneously, see if she want to continue dating. She has long term friends and family to help her with whatever stress she is encountering.

In the past 2 3 weeks it's always me initiating contact and keeping communication somewhat alive. she even stopped liking my instagram posts. Three days ago I had an exam - she didn't bother asking whether I passed it or not.

Unfortunately she is not interested.

yeah, her not asking about my exams was the straw that broke the camel's back

There's nothing else to do, I did my part during all this.

The next girl you date deserves your attention, not someone who couldn't be bothered with important events in your life.🙂