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Thread: Is it really a downgrade or an upgrade?

  1. #41
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    Depends on what Masters you're talking about, but I digress.

    Someone just above very astutely tapped into the irony of your thread history, but to take it a step further, I truly believe that-- with absolutely no disrespect to the role itself should it turn out logistically feasible-- "not budging" on being a stay-at-home parent is about as antiquated as it gets. And it would be almost entirely contingent on finding a man with a salary which can financially support himself, yourself, a child, and however many more. You lament being discounted for your salary, but I think this entire thread is a testament to your own double-standard. Not necessarily one I think is objectively wrong. You want what you want and don't need to justify that to anyone. You've just gotta straighten out your rhetoric a bit. Katarina, and God bless her for all the work she puts in to empathize beyond my own limitations, has done her very best here, but you've got a shovel and seem determined to use it.
    I think it's fine if she doesn't budge if she believes a child should have a full time parent at home and she believes she should be that parent (yes, some dads are full time at this point but it's far more unusual and more the exception -sure she can be open to that too but not sure if would even come up). I just think she has to bring more to the table financially and more planning financially. And by full time parent I don't mean until they are each 20 years old - that's not a full time parent as much as it is a full time homemaker which is more dubious as far as "values" based.

  2. #42
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You don't need to be a gold digger for that. This happens everyday with people from similar backgrounds and incomes.
    Originally Posted by mandeelove
    I also want to be a stay at home mother when the time comes.

  3. #43
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I worked part time pretty much since my son was born except his first 7 years and for the past few years. My son needed more supports than the average child. I am not saying you will have a special needs child but if you do that will put you seriously behind the Joneses if you care about that stuff . I sacrificed my earning potential for my sonís success. Most of the time if there is somebody to be sacrificed that will be Mom .

  4. #44
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    I have never been interested in money, or class, or how much ink they have.

    Unfortunately I can't say the same for 'them'.

    Beware the shallow gold diggers. Evade & avoid.

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  6. #45
    Gold Member mandeelove's Avatar
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    I have never been interested in social status or money either. Always pictured being with a hard working person who is smart and successful but never rich. I pictured working along with my hubbie, and when the time come, have enough to raise my child at home. It takes finding a man with this mindset by the way. This is old fashioned mentality but I never had an issue meeting men who match on this.

    Like ive said on this post, I did not seek this rich man out... Or tell myself I need to come up in the world. I met a guy who seemed humble but over the course of being with him for 2 1/2 years , his real him came out. The money was being exposed and I realized this guy came from extreme upper class . Buying million dollar homes in cash. List goes on. He didnt go to bed worrying about a bill to pay.

    His attitude towards women and me wasnt good. I got emotionally abused. So i saw not only a rich guy but what money does to a person . I do think money was a factor on behavior bcuz when I met him he was in a normal neighborhood. Then he upgraded to an extremely wealthy neighborhood and got worse in attitude.

    I would not seek out a rich man again. Thats what you define as a gold digger. Someone whose whole existance is finding an easy way out.

    This post is really about me getting used to this crazy lifestyle. How to readjust back to my original life and the normal struggles people face. Now hearing a guy say "no I need a few months to save up" as opposed to throw cash in a second. Its like a fairytale land. And i want to know how to readjust so I dont miss out on great guys who have a 9 to 5. You have to remember. Part of the abuse was putting down not only my salary but others too. He put this fear in me like men working 9 to 5 who live in apartments are bad people. He would always tell me this type of thing so I could feel lucky to be where I am.

    My mind needs readjustment. I guss over time?

  7. #46
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    Why did you adjust to a different lifestyle in the first place and why did you want to to the extent that you now have to readjust? He was a boyfriend. You didn't live with him in a committed partnership. It's concerning that you got that attached to his money and his lifestyle. I don't think there's anything wrong with dating someone who is rich. That's just about a dollar figure. Date someone who has values compatible with yours. That person might be rich, poor, somewhere in between.

    I also shake my head at the 9 to 5. Huh? Some people who work 9 to 5 simply get their work done during those hours and make a lot of $. Others work 9 to 5 and don't make a lot of money and perhaps have outside interests, hobbies, volunteer work, whatever that they prefer to focus on and their true ambition doesn't lie with their job. That's fine too. He didn't put any fear in you. You're an adult. You chose to get attached to Fairytale Land and chose to take what he said as the gospel. You're the issue not him.

    It's not about "over time" -it's about you getting down to the nitty gritty on what you truly want. My impression is that you're talking out of both sides of your mouth here. I had a really interesting lifestyle when I had a boyfriend who was involved in the arts and knew a number of celebrities and famous artists who he introduced me to. It was really fun to meet some of them and fascinating to learn about his art, about his talents (none of which I had!) and to be around that world. And had we been otherwise right together we would have married and started a family. But we weren't right, for other reasons and we finally broke up. I never had to readjust to being around people who weren't famous/artistic, etc -in fact I kept up the cultural part on my own because it enriched my life. And when it came time to leave that to the side for full time motherhood that was an "adjustment" but not in the way you're talking -because my values and goals never changed - you chose to value Fairytale Land even though you were getting abused in the process. You chose to interact with someone who said nasty things about people who live in apartments. Figure that out-why you chose that -before picking the next guy.

    Don't be passive about it. Especially if you want the awesome responsibility of raising a child - you will have to model good values for your child - and part of that is not standing for passivity when it comes to your child needing to make a change in choices or behavior.

  8. #47
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Your life never changed. You didn't marry him or live with him or have access to his wealth. Ever.

    You were a spectator. What "original life"? It's not as if you were married, got divorced/got nothing and now he drives off to his mansion in a Ferrari and you go back to the hood. There is nothing to "readjust" to. You always lived where you live and worked. Why are 9-5 guys suddenly such an enigma?

    There is zero correlation between wealth and abuse. That is another misconception. Did you allow shabby treatment for cash, fancy dates, gifts?...sure. But that was your craving for that. That is what you should really reflect on, not how to relate to the "little people" (like yourself) again.

    Really? You suddenly can't handle a guy who says he has to go to work? You work, still live in the same area so what's the issue, except for pining over not having fancy dates? It's kind of absurd that suddenly you don't know how the "little people" live now that some rich guy dumped you.
    Originally Posted by mandeelove
    How to readjust back to my original life and the normal struggles people face. i want to know how to readjust so I dont miss out on great guys who have a 9 to 5.

  9. #48
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    I'm confused. What do you mean he put the "fear" in you? Of who, the "little" people? Like what, stay away from "them" they're no good, they're losers!

    Who is he God or something? Do you not have a mind of your own, your own values? If he believed murdering people was ok, would you go along with that too?

    Plenty of women do you know; they fall hard for some psychopath, believing he's God, they become some sort of an extension of him and go along with him on his killing sprees, participating even, and end up in prison for the of their lives.

    That's extreme but just tying to make a point. You sound extremely malleable. Easily swayed. Rearranging your values to match whatever a particular guy's values are.

    This is really dangerous mandee; please take the time to get to know *yourself*. And what *your* values are and stay true to them!

    Don't become an extension of whoever you happen to be dating, *readjusting* your own values to match his. Sorry but that's just weak and no man will ever respect you for it either. Get to know yourself, what your own values truly are and stay true to them. Look for men who "share" those values.

    If you had done that, there would be no readjustment now. In fact, the second this bozo started in with his harsh criticism of the "little" people, *you* would have said no thank you, not for me, buh bye, no matter how much money he had.

    Especially considering the fact that according to him, *you* were one of those 'little' people!
    Last edited by katrina1980; 09-18-2018 at 10:03 AM.

  10. #49
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by mandeelove
    You have to remember. Part of the abuse was putting down not only my salary but others too. He put this fear in me like men working 9 to 5 who live in apartments are bad people. He would always tell me this type of thing so I could feel lucky to be where I am.

    My mind needs readjustment. I guss over time?
    Come on with the excuses again Mandee. He made you want to be a stay at home mom? He created the mindset that men should take care of women you so proudly proclaimed? Every argument you came onto this board for reassurance that you werenít wrong that you werent crazy, I quoted you myself. You were pretty adamant that the income does not define a person or was it just women? itís hard for me to believe that you just fell in line with what he was telling you. Now that weíre getting more of the picture itís coming off like you knew he was trash, but put up with it as a means to an end.

    Yes emotional abuse is going to distort your view of yourself and the world but to make you think good men arenít worth a hill of beans unless they can bank roll your choice in lifestyle? Havenít you always had these views?

    Sorry really seems like a cop out. Again, you need to be brutally honest with yourself about how you got to this point, readjusting is going to take honesty, changes in world view and probably some therapy.
    Last edited by figureitout23; 09-18-2018 at 10:31 AM.

  11. #50
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    It's not the money. You both have an entitled attitude. You think you are entitled to certain priveledge because you have a vagina. He thinks he's entitled to priveledge because he has affluence.

    Your values haven't been altered. They were simply allowed to be played out on a grander scale. It's no different than with the guys before.

    If you truly want to change the mindset, you have to challenge your sense of entitlement 'because I'm a woman and I want this'.

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