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Thread: Is it really a downgrade or an upgrade?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I don't think you can really decide these things until you meet the person. No one wants to be poor or in debt. Some do not like the trappings of wealth and work to avoid them. It's all based on decisions you make as the situations arise. It's easy to say, I don't want this or that... but what if you fall for someone that isn't what you thought you wanted. Or you could be with someone that is one thing and their circumstances change.

    Lastly, I challenge you to focus on the type of life you want, to provide for yourself and not at the hands of a partner.

  2. #12
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    Just to clarify, I did not grow up within that type of lifestyle. My only exposure to it was a couple of men I met who exposed me to it and it was just for a short while because it was a huge turn off for me and I rejected them.

    Which they did not take very well, talk about self-entitlement! I had one guy screaming into my speaker phone at work because I meant to hang up on him (he became verbally abusive on phone) and I mistakenly hit speaker (instead of the hang up button) and the entire office was witness to his wrath - I kid you not!

    Apparently he could not wrap his extremely shallow and self-entitled brain around the fact I was rejecting him - oh the horror! lol

    Anyway yes I did grow up in an affluent area of NYC and while many were very wealthy (we were considered upper middle class), no one lived like that, not caring about mortgages or debt or all the other things you described. The decadence, self-entitlement, etc.

    Everyone was pretty "normal" and down to earth and had strong values, ethics and integrity. It's how I was raised and why I reject that type of lifestyle today.

  3. #13
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    Honestly, I believe that this glamorous lifestyle can be enticing for some people. Personally I like it up to a certain extent. But everything becomes a habit after a while and subsequently boring. Even if you live this super glamorous lifestyle for X months-years it loses its value. You debunk the myth in a way.

    It's not a shame that you like this lifestyle. Why shouldn't you? As you realized though, someone who has tons of money will not make your life better-maybe easier in some ways, yes. Materials have as much value as you make them to have.
    Don't worry, if you keep searching you will find someone that has not debt, likes you and makes you happy. :)

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately, you were never part of this lifestyle. It wasn't your money, success, family, friends, fame or fortune. It was his. You were always on the outside looking in.
    Originally Posted by mandeelove
    I wanted this for my future. I inserted myself in the life of attractive and rich people. I loved it.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    I don't think it's terribly complicated. You liked having nice ****. Most people do. Now you don't. It's a bummer.

    Speaking personally, I make a decent living, Left to my own devices, my income would put me middle class, maybe a baby rung below it during slower seasons. When looking at where most those who came out of my community back home are now, you won't catch me complaining one single bit. Still, my lady makes much more than I do. Did I marry her for her money? Nope. It's relatively recent within the range of our relationship that she'd started practicing and bringing in the dough. But would I be full of crap if I didn't admit there'd be an added level of suck were we to separate and I consequently lost a lot of those nicer things I've now got in my life? It'd be coming out of my ears.

    Quite naturally, you're experiencing that suck, and I really do think it's as simple as seeing if you can't have that all back but with a man who's worth the money he has. Fair play, I suppose. That's what I'm infinitely fortunate to have, and I gotta say... two thumbs up. Can't blame you for dreaming. But having all the amazingness that comes with having a friend and lover with such luxuries isn't something I think anyone should rationally expect. At the end of the day, you should always be willing to fall back on the quality of life you can provide for yourself. It may take a bit of time for your head to come back down from the clouds, but I'd let that time pass, ideally while taking a break from romantic ventures.
    Last edited by j.man; 09-17-2018 at 04:14 PM.

  7. #16
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    I dunno maybe I misinterpreted but what mandee described sounds much more extreme and decadent that simply having nice things and nice comfortable life.

    And my opinion also might be tainted as I was exposed to this "hollywood" lifestyle which is completely different from being wealthy, being able to afford a beautiful home, nice things, vacations, etc.

    It's the decadence, debauchery, over-indulgence, and overall attitude that they are somehow "better" than us 'regular' folks that I personally can't stomach.

    I also think the fact that the one and only man who offered her this lifestyle abused her is very telling, yet this what she wants for herself again?

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by mandeelove
    Ive been talking to regular men and now the thought of debt scares me. The thought of bad credit scares me. The thought of having to have tough financial times scare me. I dont have bad credit. Im not in debt so why should I settle?. Thing is, these guys are great people so theyd make good partners.
    It sounds to me like your reasoning is warped. Not ALL regular/ working class men have debt. Where did you get that idea? Don't you see the absence of logic in that? Sounds to me like these guys you ve been talking to are not a representative sample. There are plenty of middle class men that don't have debt and in fact bad credit is a reasonable deal breaker to have. I suggest that you stop equating working class men to bad credit and keep trying to meet regular people who are financially responsible even if they are not "rich". Problem solved.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    To me, it sounds like you crave for a man to take care for you all the material and financial worries of living.

    The feeling. Of not having to THINK about it.

    Correct me if I'm wrong.

    It's not that uncommon a desire. And given your strong preference for the 'traditional' dynamic of man as the provider for a woman, I do think I'm on to something here :)

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    To me, it sounds like you crave for a man to take care for you all the material and financial worries of living.

    The feeling. Of not having to THINK about it.
    I would be inclined to agreed with you had she not said this in her original post:

    As time went on I discovered how rich he really was as well as his family. They had status and knew alot of important people. It would feel like a glamorous life. We'd go out and it would feel like hollywood status.

    That said, I agree, what you suggested about having a man take care financially and a woman not having to worry about it, is not uncommon, many women desire that, especially like you said a more traditional woman.

    Perhaps mandee can return and clarify, my thinking is what she wants is a little of both, but I'm just speculating.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    To me, it sounds like you crave for a man to take care for you all the material and financial worries of living.

    The feeling. Of not having to THINK about it.

    Correct me if I'm wrong.

    It's not that uncommon a desire. And given your strong preference for the 'traditional' dynamic of man as the provider for a woman, I do think I'm on to something here :)
    So your post makes me feel a little ill for a different reason -or a slightly different one. You liked what he could provide for you - and nowhere in your post have I seen any inkling that, hmmmm, if you like that lifestyle why not get it for yourself by yourself? There are several really lucrative jobs/careers/professions - many require a certain level of schooling so you invest in yourself and hope that you get the big $$ job at the end so you can pay off your school loans and come out ahead. But if you like that lifestyle -and that's fine - then get it for yourself not from a man. Then if you meet a man who doesn't make as much as you decide how to proceed -maybe you are the main provider, maybe you scale back so that you keep your assets as a nest egg for the future and add to your savings ,etc. It makes me feel a bit ill that in this post (and in your past posts) I've never heard you consider achieving this on your own. You want a financial upgrade? Find out what you need to do and do it. You don't have kids right now, right? That is really significant because it gives you more freedom/options to pursue a different career or a grad degree or whatever degree you need to command a higher salary.

    And no I am not a fan of get rich quick schemes.

    I did this for myself. Many years before I married I knew I'd want to be home full time for longer than maternity leave. So I pursued a career that commanded a high salary if you were willing to work your behind off and work long, unpredictable hours and I paid off my grad school loans ASAP and socked away a nest egg so that if I married someone who would be struggling to provide for me to be at home full time I could contribute from my savings as needed. It felt really good to bring that to the table and expanded my dating options given my full time parent goal.

    Unlike you I didn't want the glamour and wealth -I had tastes of that with certain men I dated and was involved in and sure it was fun, of course - but I didn't have being rich as a goal -just enough so that we could live in a safe, nice neighborhood with good schools (or be able to afford private school) and be able to save $ and not be overly worried about $. I would say we live well within our means, we are not extravagant, and we like to travel but we don't travel extravagantly (nor do we stay in fleabag motels -somewhere in the middle!). But I did have life goals that required a certain amount of $.

    Also please don't paint rich people with some kind of broad brush. There are poor and rich people who are stingy and shallow - it's about values not your bank account. Figure out what yours are and figure out how to reach your goals on your own and then you will attract men who admire a partner who pulls her own weight. Huge turn on IMO.

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