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Thread: Breakup help!!!! Pleaseeee

  1. #1
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    Breakup help!!!! Pleaseeee

    Hello,

    I was wondering if you could give me some advice. I apologise for this very, very, long message..but it’s not really a clean cut case…
    My first serious boyfriend of two and half years broke up with at the end of April this year. Within the first two months after the break up I was struggling to cope, it felt like the pain was getting worse, I lost interest in eating and speaking to new people, I would constantly kid myself that he would contact me, or turn up. Fast-forwarding to now I do think I am finally coming to terms with things + have developed new interests + a whole new bunch of friends ! However, he is still in my thoughts each and every day, I still love him and want to be with him.
    The Background info:
    He's 24, lives with his mum, dad and sister ( who is two years younger than hi,) , they all had a very close family network. Within a very short time, they became very close to me. Although we Lived an hour and apart from each other, their house became my second home.
    I live in a very rural area, I have always been quite introverted..i admired the busy life he had over in City, which was packed with family events, friends parties.. All the things that I never had
    Within the first year I admired the relationship he had with his mum and sister, I Thought it was lovely.
    However, after the first year…I began to feel resentment and jealousy ( if I am being true to myself) to the two of them….I use to travel one and half hours to see him often straight after work and spend the whole weekend at his family’s house for us to spend the entire weekend in, chilling with them, or going to his extended family events, if it wasn’t that, it was him inviting his sister or sometimes even his mum to join us when we finally had time to spend time together ( just the two of us)
    I found the relationship that he had between his sister, was sometimes quite uncomfortable to watch..but I use to put things in that back of my head… to name a few of the examples:
    He often use to hug his sister from behind whilst she was preparing food…kiss her in the corner of her mouth…when my boyfriend and I were getting ready for bed, she came into his room and was comfortable seeing her brother in his underwear and began cuddling with him at the end of the bed….we always use to have dinner together as a family and when we sat at the table, he always use to have his ‘little moment’ with his sister where they use to exchange ‘ funny expressions’ ‘ or make ‘ noises’ .. I often felt like I was a third wheel in my own relationship.

    I mentioned this to him (late 2016 ) in the best way I could) and he was devastated that I had this view on his relationship with his sister…after this, he felt like he couldn’t be the same with his sister anymore, that I had tarnished that they had. I felt extremely guilty for mentioning it all, It wasn’t my place.
    We moved past this…and eventually I noticed that whilst he was still close with his sister, the weirdness had cut down considerably since I mentioned it him….we decided to go on holiday ( our first trip abroad after being together for over a year at this time, we thought we do something fun!)
    My mum and dad are very traditional…it was never going to be easy for me to tell them about this….So, I told them a week before we booked anything, that my boyfriend I were going to book a holiday and how would they feel about it. My dad was taken back by it first, my mum was surprisingly encouraging. We booked the flight two days after my birthday…
    I had a lovely birthday, it was my family and him and he was really felt for once, he was re-connecting with my dad in a new way..However once that my dad heard that he had finalised the booking…he was disgusting to both myself and my boyfriend…he told my boyfriend ‘ to not get my daughter ing pregnant’ my boyfriend, quietly spoke to my dad and defended himself and told my dad what his intentions were with me…everything became very intense…we left the ground under a cloud, the whole holiday was ruined because of what my dad had done…my boyfriend wrote a fived paged letter addressed to my dad whilst aboard, respectfully written on how he feels about me, that he only wants the best for me etc…he never sent that letter to my dad.
    When I came back from holiday, I didn’t speak to my dad for 2 months, I was humiliated by what he did to my boyfriend….my boyfriend said that he no longer wanted to come to our house anymore and I fully supported him..i travelled to see him
    He called it off July 2017, because of this….a week later, we talked things out and got back together.
    A month or so after that my boyfriend and my parents, made amends.

    Second chapter……
    …………………..
    On Christmas day 2017 , i surprised him by turning up on his family's doorstep.. We both knew we wouldn't be able to see each other on Christmas, with us living quite a distance from each other + family...i wanted to make that Christmas, a special one as he was about to start rediclous over time hours in work over a course of three months.. During those months I made more of an effort then ever I drove to his every weekend, sometimes he was that exhaused we went straight to bed when I arrived.. But we really wanted to see me too! I often use to hang around with his family, waiting for him to come back from work...his birthday was in the middle of it.. So I book a quaint little place, within walking distance from his house..i got him a voucher to go to a spa, after the shut down for all the hard work he was doing.. I felt I couldn't have loved him more...
    The red flag, came up when valentines day arrived.. I didn't get a card or any initial apology.. I was upset by this.. And thought, why couldn't he have even popped a little something in the post? He lives in a city + works right behind a massive retail store.. Considering I had been there for him..I was very upset.
    When I expressed this to him, he said he didn't feel romantic, or fluffy because of work.
    However, the month after, mother's day arrived ( he was still working overtime in work) he made sure his mum was greeted with a massive display of flowers, before he left for work that morning and in the evening he made a lovely playlist for his mum to make her feel loved up.
    I felt hurt that despite, him working crazy hours he managed to find time to make his mum feel special but not me on Valentines day...a couple of days later, he gave his sister his worn T-shirt to wear around the house.. With being in a vulnerable position as it was.. I felt I couldn't control my upset.. I would have loved to have had his his shirt, which would have been nice.. Anyway I met up witj him towards the end of his shifts and told him how I felt upset, described everything that I just previously mentioned.. He thought I was over reacting and putting too much strain on us.. By saying this it almost made him take a step back,
    towards the last couple of month, I became exhaused that we never had quality time, where it was just the two of us ( I felt like his sister or other family members nearly always had to be invited or be on the scene whatever we did) I was also going through a upset with my dad being diagnosed with Cancer..
    We started bickering quite a lot, I became exhausted of making the efforts.
    We met up a week Pria to the official break up, where he told me he couldn’t see us working, that I put too much stress on our relationship. We discussed things through.. He even gave me back the possessions I had in his house that night.. But towards the end of the night, we both agreed, that al though our current situation was not ideal, we could pull through this.. Because we loved each other.
    Two days later, it was his mums surprise Belated birthday second party…I told him a week pria to let me know the time of when he would like me to be there for, he told me on the day that he would pick me up half way …but that didn’t leave me with enough time to get ready…we argued, he said that I was deliberately being awkward, I told him there was no way near enough time for me to get packed and ready…I suggested I drive to Liverpool instead and meet him there before his mum arrived….he dropped the call…and I continued to get ready…I rang him back and told him I was on my way…and he told me it was ‘ over. He had enough. He had already told his cousins I was not coming + that we had broken up’ I was devastated… he decided to call it shots over the phone.. In less than 24 hours he blocked me off social media, totally closing the door on me.. Within a week he was spotted in a number of dating websites and went on a date a week ago with someone new.. I feel totally hurt by this. (at the time I couldn't even think about seeing someone else!)
    ( April 20th)

    June 24th 2018
    Contact made with EX
    I was having a night out in the city he lived in and I got locked out of the bed and breakfast that I was staying at..i rang my ex..tipsy, but aware of what I was doing…he was half asleep in bed and I asked him to come and help me…he drove into town to see me…he came into the room with me, and we had sex…during the end he told me that it felt wrong…and it would hurt me more if we continued… we stopped…and he left that night. No contact was made after that…
    Until late August he sent me a message telling me that he had been thinking about me, each and every day…that he misses me, but we were not meant to be etc
    I didn’t reply until a week later and practically mirrored what he had written me…I felt so mixed up…
    I ran him two weeks after sending that message…and we were on the phone for aprox 3hrs ( three weeks ago )…discussing everything and catching up with our lives….i asked him if my dress was still in his wardrobe and he said it was still then…and asked to reel of which coats were next to it....( he had a particular order for his coats) I did…and he began to cry…telling that I should be there with him, that he had his phone placed deliberately on the side of the bed that I use to sleep on….
    He asked me, what would I do to change for this to work?
    I told him that I was aware of all the faults I had, but I envderoured to work on them each and every day…I mentioned my new interests + new bunch of friends that I had made after the break up….but I also said….that if you truly love a person, you will love the warts and all…and if he isn’t willing to accept that he too has faults, how could we possibly work?
    We bye to each other and left on a happy note.
    After the three hour conversation, I felt it helped, it was like a fix for me, an antidote for my suffering for a while...
    I heard nothing after that…a week after that.. I was out in the city with my friend, as we were corssing the street, who was to give way, but my ex, once we crossed, we exchanged a gaze into each others eyes….and my heart was pounding…..
    I haven’t heard anything, it’s been a week since I have seen him now….and I really miss him and still love him dearly….
    Will he contact me? Where do I go from here? I

  2. #2
    Member SarahBeth's Avatar
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    Wow that’s a lot... I’m really sorry you are going through this. I’m still recovering from my first boyfriend, so I understand how hard this is. It sounds like you are doing most things right. It’s good you are developing new interests and making new friends! And I actually think it’s really nice/respectful of him to tell you that you shouldn’t have sex and that it’s wrong. He is looking out for your feelings and knows it will only hurt you.

    I think right now the best thing to do is go no contact. Give him space. He is going to have to be without you to realize what he wants. Then maybe he can find the motivation to change and really make things work between you two. It might be too late by then and you might have moved on but I think you shouldn’t text, call, or see him. It’s hard but it gets easier the longer you go. Move on with your life as if he is not going to reach out.

    His behavior is a little manipulative though.... you shouldn’t feel guilty about expressing how you feel no matter how “ridiculous” it seems to him. Idk... definitely go no contact though. That’s your best bet.

  3. #3
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    Well, I'm sorry, but relationships run their course, and I think this one has run its race and it's over. And there were also a number of weird things that happened within it that sent up some red flags. It seems like he just stopped putting any effort into the relationship and he just stopped loving you. Obviously there are some residual feelings. A lot of people have ex-sex and try to reconcile, but I think what's really best is to block him, stop contacting him, and move on with your life. Find a nice, normal guy who lives in your town and have a nice dating relationship without the craziness of your ex. You deserve it.

  4. #4
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    Thank you Both for your sound advice. I will not contact him and will try and block him out of my life as best as i can. I feel that the three hour conversation gave me false hope + seeing him in passing in person in his city..i truly felt he would reach out to me..the hardest part is finding out that i wasn't worth chasing after all.
    I forgot to mention that pria to us going out. he kept friends with an ex ( whom he had previously been very intimate with) they decided to stop the relationship and stay friends ( without the physical stuff) i remember expressing how upset i truly was about him remaining friends with his ex...he reluctantly blocked her out of his life and i was made to feel guilty for it...he did not contact her in the whole two and half years that we were together...three weeks after, i saw via social media and heard it from him personally that they had regained their friendship ( he reached out to her)
    My boyfriend also had his heart broken by another ex and during the time we were together, he always said that she lead him down a ' dark route' and made him feel ' worthless' and didnt want anything to do with her....again after our break up, i found that they rekindled via social media and she is ' liking' his posts.

    I feel so messed up, confused, hurt, let down and used.

    I have only now, began packing all the gifts he has given me ie) toys, braclets , etc into a big box...i intend on posting this to him, i feel this is the right thing to do...i don't want to chuck it away, nor do i think leaving it in a cupboard collecting dust is a good idea either...these items only bring pain to see. If i am being truthfull, i want to send this to him to play on whatever conscious he does have

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    Following on...i sent the items back in the post in September...and his Mother message me three days later, with an image of the box with all the gifts sprawled across the kitchen table...asking me what was i thinking? that my ex had opened the box, not knowing what it was, in front of everyone...i explained sincerly my reasons for doing this.....we messaged to and fro...and i ended getting up more upset, frustrated....i recently lost my nana....my dad ( who is currently undergoing chemotherapy) all of this my ex knew about ( read above posts)
    i sobbed..my dad bearing witness to this ( who hasnt got involved at all ie) getting in contact with my ex) said enough was enough..he messaged my ex..telling me how broken i was, how he suggested it was a good idea for me to send the items back, in order for me to move on...how my ex never truly cared etc...a few moments passed after my dad had sent the message...and my ex rang me...i missed the first call...accepted the second...my ex firstly opened the call with how he was on a night out and that he had taken time aside to call me, away from his friends..why has your dad contacted me? its so wierd...he announced
    i explained to him that his mum had been in frequent contact with myself...and my dad could see me getting upset about it...
    we argued again on the phone for two hours.....he was about to say that he ' still loved me, how he thought i was caring girl, etc' i stopped him halfway at this point....and tol him...not to lead me on...or keep me guessing like last time...or give me false hope....so he said...' never in a million years, in this universe or the next will we ever get back' i told him thank you, and i meant it...i was finally free from him.....he then proceeded to say that love can be eaily found again...and that there isnt just one person for everyone...which upset me a great deal...for me, he was my everything...he told me how upset he was when i sent all the items back..i told him my reasoning...he said it was awful of me...and that his mum and his nana had a swayed opinion of me now....how he has only finally just now regained his ' normal relationship with this sister' after me making him feel wierd about it....anyway...we ended in a heat of an argument...next day...my ex sent me a copy of the message that my dad sent me...and told me never to message him again...later that day..i was getting supportive messages from him mum..until she discovered that her son had recieved a message from my dad...she told me it was best for us not to speak again...but that she would still love me...she blocked me off facebook so i couldnt reply and unblocked me three days later....
    i made no contact with either....i noticed however..that my ex unblocked me mid October...but we have not spoken since the end of September. i do feel alot better, for forcing my ex to say that he didnt want to be with me...because it gives me strength...i still miss him...though...and he is still in my thoughts every day...if i am being honest...i still really love him....i've gone ondates etc...but i always feel like there is a barrier there...for him....what do you think i should do? will my ex come back?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's time to let go. It's time to delete and block him and all his people from messaging apps and social media. It's time to focus on yourself and your family and friends. It's time to learn boundaries and not send gifts back in a passive-aggressive protest or show up anywhere unannounced. Focus on improving your life your health and especially your emotional well being. Consider getting support from a a therapist to unpack some of the stress you feel.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    It's time to let go. It's time to delete and block him and all his people from messaging apps and social media. It's time to focus on yourself and your family and friends. It's time to learn boundaries and not send gifts back in a passive-aggressive protest or show up anywhere unannounced. Focus on improving your life your health and especially your emotional well being. Consider getting support from a a therapist to unpack some of the stress you feel.
    Thankyou for the feedback...i suppose people do have different ways of coping...i had to show understanding when he was on dating websites less than a week after he split up with me...i emotionally self harmed myself by pulling gifts he ha given me...i put the box away, but i kept on pulling them out..i couldnt bear to get rid of them..if i am being honest, part of me hated the way it appeared so easy for him to move on and not me...i send the gifts back, because it was too hard for me get rid of them...
    i am feeling happier...i just miss him.

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    Originally Posted by HELPSOMEONE1
    Thankyou for the feedback...i suppose people do have different ways of coping...i had to show understanding when he was on dating websites less than a week after he split up with me...i emotionally self harmed myself by pulling gifts he ha given me...i put the box away, but i kept on pulling them out..i couldnt bear to get rid of them..if i am being honest, part of me hated the way it appeared so easy for him to move on and not me...i send the gifts back, because it was too hard for me get rid of them...
    i am feeling happier...i just miss him.
    I still feel alot of love for him, but fear i will only get rejected...should i contact him?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    No. Pull your dignity and self respect together and leave the poor guy alone. It's over. Accept it.
    Originally Posted by HELPSOMEONE1
    ...should i contact him?

  11. #10
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    I truly appreciate your honesty. poor guy? do you think i'm in the wrong? ( i dont mean that in a defensive way..i just worry that maybe it's all my fault)

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