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Thread: Considering work schedule and cleanliness diferences in a relationship's future?

  1. #1
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    Considering work schedule and cleanliness diferences in a relationship's future?

    I've been dating this woman for about a month now. In almost all respects, it's going wonderfully. I really like her and she feels the same about me. We haven't had the "relationship talk" yet, but we've both taken down our dating profiles and neither of us are dating anyone else. We're both single parents and we spend every moment we're not with the kids together. The sex is, of course, great, but there's also a lot of emotional intimacy growing there. In short, it could not be going better.

    My worry is this: So, I don't know how to say this nicely: but she's a messy person and I'm not. I'm not a clean freak, but I only feel comfortable at home when it is, at least, tidy. Now, my ex-wife was also messy and, though the divorce was hard, part of me was relieved that I only had to be responsbile for my own messes. I don't run a spotless house, but having a clean house is important to me and I make that happen, despite my kids working against me on that. I realize, a month in, this is just in the "one day, if.." stage. That said, we're both looking for partners/long-term relationships. To me, eventually moving in together with someone I am with is very important. I really enjoy dating this person and I really like her. I just don't know if I could ever live with her.

    The second thing I worry about is our schedule. I work a typical 9-5, with paid time off and weekends free. She works a creative job where she does work at least one weekend day and does not get any paid time off, so vacations are very hard and involve additional saving. For dating, it's fine, but I've finally reached a point financially and with my career where I can travel more. I'd love my partner to be able to join me, but it's not something she can do.

    Is this crazy to even be worried about this now, so early in the relationship?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Dating is to get to know someone and notice red flags/deal breakers like these. Unfortunately this is already bringing up baggage and reminding you of your exwife. Slow down and see what happens.

    You already know the conflicts this causes and that it will not change. It's better to jump ship sooner rather than later, since you already identified major conflicts.
    Originally Posted by Rdunsany
    dating this woman for about a month now. We're both single parents and we spend every moment we're not with the kids together.

    but she's a messy person and I'm not. my ex-wife was also messy. eventually moving in together with someone I am with is very important. I really enjoy dating this person and I really like her. I just don't know if I could ever live with her. I can travel more. I'd love my partner to be able to join me, but it's not something she can do.

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    I am a clean freak, so this would not work for me. It would make me crazy.

    You are only dating a month, and so I think you are getting ahead of yourself regarding living together. But, if you think the financial bit will be too much of a strain, this could be a major factor.

    I think that it is good that you are looking for issues, before you get too involved.

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    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    At her age is not going to run her life differently.

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    Seraphim: I know and I'm not looking for her to change how she runs her life. I'm just trying to figure out if I'm being crazy to even worry about this now. The facts of Right Now are that we have a wonderful time together. We were together these past 4 days, except for work, and we both had an amazing time and missed each other after I had to go back to my house.

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    Just donít live together if mess is an issue to you because this wonít change.

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    I have no idea of people with both working parents, with little kids with a clean house. If clean is a top priority, hire a maid.

    Vacation savings...does she have to go on every trip, or can you do two trips a year at an expected time?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Well, at the beginning is when one works the hardest to present a clean house to dates.
    So consider if you could handle when she lets it all hang out.

    I don't think it's silly to think about. Particularly when you are looking for long term.

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    I believe in and have seen people change. My husband is terrible at managing clutter and is somewhat of a hoarder and he has improved during our marriage -we married in our 40s and are now in our 50s. My house is basically clean -meaning hygenic -but not tidy overall. I knew this going in. I am not tidy either but tidier than he is. As far as scheduling if I'd had to make that a priority I wouldn't be married now. I always worked more than full time plus travel and especially when my husband and I dated the second time around we both worked more than full time, traveled, and were long distance a large part of the time. And we made it work because we were crazy about each other and saw it as a forever thing. I found it difficult to date 9 to 5-ers because as a woman I found that the man usually only paid lip service to my explaining that I might have to keep evening plans tentative during the week because of work. And now I am a morning person and my husband is a night owl. And we make it work.

    And yes we have a cleaning service twice a month and yes he'd be completely supportive of once a week but I clean up for the cleaners and don't have time to do that every week and neither does he lol.

    Just figure out your own priorities and balance that against the positives of being involved with her.

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    Thank you Batya33, that was an enormously helpful response. You're right, if both parties are willing to make changes (which is essential in a relationship) then it can work. I do think that, at this stage, I'm being overly cautious.

    I think I am because what happened is, with my ex-girlfriend, by the time I realized some fundamental incompatibilities in our relationship, I was already deeply in love with her and was hoping they'd just work themselves out. I didn't do anything to address them, one way or another. Obviously, since she's my ex, they didn't work out. So now I'm trying to find the possible red flags for down the road before I get too far, so I'm not hurt as much as I was last time.

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