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Thread: Considering work schedule and cleanliness diferences in a relationship's future?

  1. #21
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    Re: Batya33 - I'm with you on the made up bed. I think it helps a lot. I make my bed every day and have my kids make theirs too. As for her feelings about the mess. I think she's uncomfortable having a new person (me) in it. So yes, she's aware of it and is not happy with it. She was also shocked when she came to my house and asked how I kept it so clean with 2 kids. For me, it's because I prioritize a clean house in my life. Again, I don't think I'm a neat freak and I've never followed anyone around picking up garbage, but I spend time each day picking up and ask the same of my kids when they're around.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    You really should have learned from your divorce that ignoring these kinds of things and getting involved with someone who is not really compatible with you in these kinds of important ways is not a good idea. Don't keep repeating the same mistakes.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I find I'm deeply smitten by the way she inhabits her space because it's just so relatable. It brings me a sense of ease and calm where before I've been edgy (an edginess that hot sex and fun talks could once suppress, but alas...)

    That said, you already know the compromise IF y'all continue to get serious. It's life with a cleaning service—not the end of the world. As for the work stuff—well, that's a tough one. Still, not something to get too twisted about after a month.
    Trying to learn to use the quote function here ;) Anyways, I get what you mean. I think what causes conflict for me if that, in many other ways, I am deeply smitten with her as well. I'd been on a number of other dates prior and they ranged from outright bad ("get me away as soon as I can") to fun enough for a second date. But my first date with her was different. We spent 4 hours together and all I wanted to do was see her more. I dreamt about her the first night and I continue to want to do nothing but see her again. I asked her out again the very next day. I don't know what exactly triggered all the release of brain chemicals for this person that didn't happen for anyone else, but it did. So now I have to balance all these growing feelings I have for her with the reality of if the relationship can work, realistically.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    You really should have learned from your divorce that ignoring these kinds of things and getting involved with someone who is not really compatible with you in these kinds of important ways is not a good idea. Don't keep repeating the same mistakes.
    Thank you for your advice. You're probably right. It's definitely a bad habit of mine. I haven't brought up my ex-gf (except in passing here), but that was even worse in ways of getting involved with someone who I just was not compatible with. We were together for 3 years, even though I knew about a year in that it wasn't going to work.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Hate to say it, as a romantic, but the more I read on here the more I fear you’re trying really hard to rationalize the endorphin rush and suppress some concerns that, even a month in, are valid.

    I’m all for the endorphin stuff, probably more than most. I want the crazy heat, the long dinners, all that. But I’ve been around enough blocks to know how important some non-glamorous stuff is too.

    In fact, in my current thing, it was a lot of that stuff that we really bonded over. We knew after one date that we could make out and talk for hours—rare stuff, sure, but we also knew the limitations of that. We both own homes in two cities, keep them tidy, work creative jobs with an emphasis on travel, are financially independent, and so on. I have no idea where it’ll go—who does after 2.5 months?—but it’s not at all hard to imagine our lives dovetailing if the other stuff is there.

    Don’t suppress the gut, you know?

  7. #26
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Agree with bluecastle - the fun, the endorphin rush and the compatibility in other important areas and ways are not mutually exclusive. So maybe consider raising your standards and NOT settling for the first woman you have fun with. To be honest, the having fun part is easy, especially in early going. Finding someone who matches in deeper ways simply takes more patience and looking. That doesn't mean that you can't have fun with various dates in the meantime, just have the guts to walk away. KNOW that you can absolutely do better. Find that confidence in yourself. There are only millions of attractive single women out there. I promise you there is more than one who can keep house and have fun with you and rock your life in the bedroom too.

  8. #27
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    Almost 3 years with my GF and this is the biggest issue I have. She and her 19 year old daughter have no issues living in a cluttered messy hell with everything all over the place. Prior to moving in with her, I had a small apt where everything had its place. Was my apt always clean and orderly? Nom of course not. But I could make it that way in a couple hours if needed. We are in possession of more things that place for said things. I get resistance to storing things in the attic until needed. Mostly from the 19 year old who does nothing in the house. So, look at this as a warning. Do I love them? Yes. Am I frustrated on a regular basis? Also yes.

    There is hope on the horizon. The 19 year old plans to move to NYC soon (her father lives there). I am confident that my GF and I can maintain a balance that wont drive both of us insane. :)

  9. #28
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    I really think there are a few things to consider. its not troubling to not like clutter, but it is if you are saying "because my ex was that way..." just because someone shares one possible trait doesn't mean they will be like your ex.

    1) Are you a divorced dad that has your kids every other weekend and therefore have time to yourself to clean, spend at leisure, while she is the primary custodial parent for hers? If this is the case, there is a possibility that being single and wrangling kids -- things go a little bit more by the wayside.

    2) Is her house "clean" (no smudged up walls, no filth) but just cluttered? Or is it filthy?

    3) how old are her kids compared to yours? That will assess if the kids help or not.

    Four weeks is too soon to tell --

    My ex liked an almost sterile environment and no clutter. I collect things and am a bit ADD -- but it was always clean (floors washed, etc.). The problem was not the clutter. If it was, then i could have had my junk in one room -- it was not because things were not clean - i cleaned and scrubbed. But oddly, he wanted all this but left his stuff everywhere himself. So its not like he picked up after himself. he just didn't like anything that was part of "me" around - anything that I chose or liked or wanted.

  10. #29
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    I'd been in a relationship with a guy where I gradually realised that if we lived together I'd be continually cleaning up after him or we'd live in a pigsty. Not only that, but he would get very angry when I cleaned up - and I'm no neat freak myself. No problem - I just completely dismissed any thoughts of sharing a house with him, and enjoyed the relationship for what it was. We were actually together for 8 years. I went to visit him about a year after we'd split up, and the place was filthy. This sort of filthy: [Register to see the link]

    It only confirmed my initial decision was the right one. You need to accept people the way they are, and you can't teach a pig to sing!

  11. #30
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    Thank you, everyone, for your great advice! It seems to split into two camps:
    The "if it's worth it, you can make it work, but it will be WORK" camp and the "you're just dating and this is the time to figure out if you're right together and this doesn't seem right" camp.
    I definitely see the points of both sides. Honestly, I am not sure right now what path I'll take, but it has given me a lot to think about. I am surprised at the amount of and quality of advice I've gotten here. Especially with what I, kinda, felt was just me being crazy. It's nice to know that, whichever path I choose, I am NOT being crazy to be thinking about this now.

    Abitbroken asked a few questions I wanted to answer that might provide some additional context:
    "1) Are you a divorced dad that has your kids every other weekend and therefore have time to yourself to clean, spend at leisure, while she is the primary custodial parent for hers? If this is the case, there is a possibility that being single and wrangling kids -- things go a little bit more by the wayside. "

    No, I have 50/50 split custody with my ex-wife. The person I'm seeing has the same custody schedule. In fact, one of the things that has been working well is that our custody schedules, pretty much, match. So we both don't have the kids at the same time. So it's not a matter of me just having a lot more time.

    "2) Is her house "clean" (no smudged up walls, no filth) but just cluttered? Or is it filthy?"

    Yes, her house is clean but cluttered. Nothing I'd call "filthy." Again though, she has a maid that comes in once a week to help out. I'm not sure what it would look like without that and her maid comes on Wednesday, which is the same day I see her for the first time after work for the week (see custody schedule above). So I'm seeing her house at its best when I do see it.

    " 3) how old are her kids compared to yours? That will assess if the kids help or not."

    This is definitely something where her life is harder than mine. My kids are 6 and 10. So the 10 year old can legitimately help out with stuff and the 6 year old can do her best. Her kids are 3 and 6. So she has a 3 year old making a mess than I do not.

    "Four weeks is too soon to tell --"

    This is kinda where I am, right now. I definitely see where people are coming from with saying that I should break things off and, in the end, it may turn out that they're right. But I have only known her 4 weeks and I want to spend a little more time with her to figure out what the answer will be. If it is something I feel is worth working on, if it comes to that, or if it's just not worth it.

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