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Thread: Considering work schedule and cleanliness diferences in a relationship's future?

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Rdunsany
    Thank you Batya33, that was an enormously helpful response. You're right, if both parties are willing to make changes (which is essential in a relationship) then it can work. I do think that, at this stage, I'm being overly cautious.

    I think I am because what happened is, with my ex-girlfriend, by the time I realized some fundamental incompatibilities in our relationship, I was already deeply in love with her and was hoping they'd just work themselves out. I didn't do anything to address them, one way or another. Obviously, since she's my ex, they didn't work out. So now I'm trying to find the possible red flags for down the road before I get too far, so I'm not hurt as much as I was last time.
    So yes it's a balance between being premature/overly focused on "red flags" and not being blinded by being in love. You've been involved in enough relationships to know what is a dealbreaker for you and what is worth compromising over, etc. I have changed a lot since we married - we are type A (me!) and type B. And I've become less type A in a number of ways and closely monitor my type A tendencies especially since we are parents of a son who loves to tell me lately that of course he's going to do exactly what I do even when I make mistakes lol (he is 9). And my husband lets me plan certain things that he used to be in charge of so, for example, we don't miss or risk missing plane flights. But the people have to want to change and see the internal benefits of changing.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    No, I don't think you are crazy at all to be thinking about these things and I don't think that you are getting ahead of yourself either. That's really the whole point of dating - to spend some time with the person, get to know them better and determine if a more serious relationship is actually viable or not. Noticing these kinds of issues and incompatibilities is a good thing and not something that you should ignore or hope that they'll change or you'll work it out later because that's how people end up wasting time with the wrong person and end up in bitter, hurtful break ups because in the end, the incompatibilities are a problem.

    Regarding cleanliness, I hear well what you are saying. I'm no clean freak myself, but I've certainly met people where I've looked at how they live and decided that it's not going to fly. It's a battle I'm not willing to fight and would rather walk away while it's still early going and easy to do. Even with having a cleaning service come in, it's not always a solution when dealing with someone who is extremely messy or just a plain slob. They can turn clean to mess in an hour. There are levels of cleanliness and there is your own personal tolerance range and when people cross those too far, you just aren't a match.

    As for travel, again, valid concern, although I think, can be more flexible in terms of when and for how long, who covers how much of the costs, etc. Even if you find someone who works as you do, gets paid time off, has plenty of funds, etc, you might still encounter difficulties in terms of scheduling time off, etc. No matter who you date, traveling will involve compromise and scheduling challenges, unless she is either independently wealthy or unemployed because you are supporting her fully and so her time is at your beck and call. People's desire to travel and the actual realities of life tend to be at odds more often than not, including your own, OP.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    A month in is the all happy rosy glow stage. In time this will get on your nerves and you'll have the same disgust/resentment that you did with the ex. No, it may improve occasionally, but it will not change. It has zero to do with kids. You have kids and you are not like this. It's how people are, what they are comfortable with, the type of habits they have, how they were raised and what feels "like home" to them. Was your ex's parents home a mess?
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 09-17-2018 at 02:17 PM.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    No, I don't think you are crazy at all to be thinking about these things and I don't think that you are getting ahead of yourself either. That's really the whole point of dating - to spend some time with the person, get to know them better and determine if a more serious relationship is actually viable or not. Noticing these kinds of issues and incompatibilities is a good thing and not something that you should ignore or hope that they'll change or you'll work it out later because that's how people end up wasting time with the wrong person and end up in bitter, hurtful break ups because in the end, the incompatibilities are a problem.

    Regarding cleanliness, I hear well what you are saying. I'm no clean freak myself, but I've certainly met people where I've looked at how they live and decided that it's not going to fly. It's a battle I'm not willing to fight and would rather walk away while it's still early going and easy to do. Even with having a cleaning service come in, it's not always a solution when dealing with someone who is extremely messy or just a plain slob. They can turn clean to mess in an hour. There are levels of cleanliness and there is your own personal tolerance range and when people cross those too far, you just aren't a match.

    As for travel, again, valid concern, although I think, can be more flexible in terms of when and for how long, who covers how much of the costs, etc. Even if you find someone who works as you do, gets paid time off, has plenty of funds, etc, you might still encounter difficulties in terms of scheduling time off, etc. No matter who you date, traveling will involve compromise and scheduling challenges, unless she is either independently wealthy or unemployed because you are supporting her fully and so her time is at your beck and call. People's desire to travel and the actual realities of life tend to be at odds more often than not, including your own, OP.
    What I've seen is that since a cleaning service costs $ and since you have to declutter to have something for the service to clean, often that motivates people to be tidier because they see the results plus each time you declutter more gets thrown away. Certainly a child can mess up a clean house in less than an hour (meaning they don't get, yet, the motivation a cleaning service can bring, and they need to be trained, hands on, not to make messes without then cleaning them up) but often adults change their habits once they see and experience the difference.

    I do agree that if the person doesn't care about sanitary/hygiene that is tougher - and that is more related to health risks than clutter (certainly clutter can increase dust or even mold -putting aside clutter than contains food -I mean papers, etc). That is more ingrained and also can more quickly undo the cleaning service meaning leaving food messes in the kitchen long enough for odors or not being clean in the bathroom. Maybe that's my bias I just see that as a more serious problem and more values-based when it comes to sanitary/hygiene. I cannot stand the level of clutter my husband creates (I am not clutter free but it's at a far different level) but our son's room is very spare and tidy, always has been, we keep things clean as in sanitary,etc. JMHO!

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    So the woman I'm seeing does get a cleaning service to come in every week and I should say there's nothing in her house that's disgusting. Not like piles of dirty moly dishes or rotten food in the fridge. None of that. It's all mainly clutter, but there's a lot of it. As an example, in her bedroom, there's moving boxes still there from when she moved in about a year and a half ago. There's clothes piled all over the place on top of them and the bed is never made. It's not like my ex-wife's house is now, where she has 4 cats she doesn't take care of, so her house smells strongly of litter box, there's half eaten takeout containers all over the place, and I can't stand to be in there for longer than it takes to pick up the kids. But I have lots of trouble with clutter. I do a purge of my house at least a couple times a year of anything extraneous. I wouldn't say I lead a minimalist life, not by a long shot, but I try to not accumulate just "stuff". That said, of course it isn't nearly as gross as, say, moldy dishes in the sink. Which is why I am here talking with folks about it other than just not dating her anymore.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I am quite minimalistic as far as 'stuff' goes, and my live in love is similar to Batyas description of her husband.

    It can work - but it has been our biggest thing to compromise on together. I only do it because he's amazing in so many other ways. And no cleaning services.

    Just take what you see now and multiply it by 2- can you live with it ?! If you honestly could not, there's the answer.

    Our solution is he gets one room to clutter as badly as he likes. No worries about cleanliness, just stuff. Everywhere else - it's tidy .

  8. #17
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rdunsany
    So the woman I'm seeing does get a cleaning service to come in every week and I should say there's nothing in her house that's disgusting. Not like piles of dirty moly dishes or rotten food in the fridge. None of that. It's all mainly clutter, but there's a lot of it. As an example, in her bedroom, there's moving boxes still there from when she moved in about a year and a half ago. There's clothes piled all over the place on top of them and the bed is never made. It's not like my ex-wife's house is now, where she has 4 cats she doesn't take care of, so her house smells strongly of litter box, there's half eaten takeout containers all over the place, and I can't stand to be in there for longer than it takes to pick up the kids. But I have lots of trouble with clutter. I do a purge of my house at least a couple times a year of anything extraneous. I wouldn't say I lead a minimalist life, not by a long shot, but I try to not accumulate just "stuff". That said, of course it isn't nearly as gross as, say, moldy dishes in the sink. Which is why I am here talking with folks about it other than just not dating her anymore.
    Well, it doesn't have to be extreme and that was my point. It's about your tolerance levels. This in a way makes it worse. Yes, she has a cleaning service come in and despite that, what you see is what you get. Very much what Wiseman pointed out - this is what is comfortable to her and what feels like home. If you can't live with that, now is the time to walk away and seek better compatibility with someone else. As for the "we have a good time", I mean who doesn't just a month in. Don't get hung up on that because that's something you'll have with pretty much anyone so early on.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Rdunsany
    So the woman I'm seeing does get a cleaning service to come in every week and I should say there's nothing in her house that's disgusting. Not like piles of dirty moly dishes or rotten food in the fridge. None of that. It's all mainly clutter, but there's a lot of it. As an example, in her bedroom, there's moving boxes still there from when she moved in about a year and a half ago. There's clothes piled all over the place on top of them and the bed is never made. It's not like my ex-wife's house is now, where she has 4 cats she doesn't take care of, so her house smells strongly of litter box, there's half eaten takeout containers all over the place, and I can't stand to be in there for longer than it takes to pick up the kids. But I have lots of trouble with clutter. I do a purge of my house at least a couple times a year of anything extraneous. I wouldn't say I lead a minimalist life, not by a long shot, but I try to not accumulate just "stuff". That said, of course it isn't nearly as gross as, say, moldy dishes in the sink. Which is why I am here talking with folks about it other than just not dating her anymore.
    I mean for me that would be just fine. The unmade bed - well, I make ours because it's part of my sleep ritual -meaning I sleep better when I start out with a bed nicely made up in peaceful colors. Also because I think it goes a long way to making a room look tidier. Would she be open to renting a storage facility in the future? Too soon to ask but that could work as far as unopened moving boxes. Also can you sense whether she wishes she had more time to tidy up or any discomfort with the way the room is?

  10. #19
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm of a split mind on this one.

    The bells that go off early are, very often, the bells that go off late. As you kind of experienced in your last relationship, you know what it is to hear the warning bells, suppress them in the name of love and attachment, only to find they never quite stopped ringing.

    I too am a neat freak. And I too have some past emotional/romantic scarring that has created new radars that sometimes feel almost too sensitive. That said, I'm two months into dating someone, and for all the obvious stuff (hot sex, fun talks) I find I'm deeply smitten by the way she inhabits her space because it's just so relatable. It brings me a sense of ease and calm where before I've been edgy (an edginess that hot sex and fun talks could once suppress, but alas...)

    That said, you already know the compromise IF y'all continue to get serious. It's life with a cleaning service—not the end of the world. As for the work stuff—well, that's a tough one. Still, not something to get too twisted about after a month.

  11. #20
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    Re: Itsallgrand - Could I live in a house that is 2X as messy are hers? No, definitely not. Right now, it is borderline. Like I feel a dedicated weekend of purging and tidying could help enormously. Twice as much though? no. I mean, as it is now, I feel like if we lived together, it would be clean, but it would be so because I was in there cleaning. It's something I never noticed about my ex-wife until we divorced. I didn't notice that I was the only one cleaning all the time because it felt like there were other things she'd help out with. It wasn't until we divorced and I had to do all of it that I realized the things she did weren't that big an impact and I was just fine being on my own because I was already doing all the cooking and cleaning and that, by moving out, it was so much easier because it was just me and the kids half the time, rather than another full grown adult to take care of.

    re: DancingFool - Yes, right now her place is below my tolerance level for visiting. As in, I don't mind spending time there when we're together. It doesn't bother me at all. It is beyond my tolerance for what I could live with though. Which, again, may be silly a month in, as I don't have to worry about it now. But since an end goal of mine in a relationship IS to eventually move in together, it's something I feel I have to consider at this time, at least somewhat.

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