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Woman's agenda


katy76

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Hello, I have been with my partner nearly 8 years. We live together with a mortgage. I am 29 and he is 32.

 

Recently a woman at my partner’s work invited him to go cycling with her. This woman is very active, goes running daily and cycling a lot doing time trial etc. My boyfriend isn’t close to her at work she is just someone he sees in passing, I would describe her as a work acquaintance. This woman also only works 2 days a week at my partner’s work so he doesn’t see her everyday. This woman is in her early 50s.

 

So my partner did a time trial with her and then another occasion on a weekend did a long cycle just the two of them. I never thought anything of this.

 

Then on Friday my boyfriend had annual leave and was planning to go cycling with the woman. However, he changed his mind due to the weather forecast so text her to cancel. He then drove back to the city where his family live to visit them.

 

After he cancelled my boyfriend phoned me up to tell me after he text the woman, she replied saying “that’s a shame I was looking forward to seeing you :-/ “ which both me and my boyfriend found a little odd. Then when my boyfriend came back to our house after the weekend with family he showed me the text where I saw she had also sent him a few texts over the past few weeks trying to make conversation. For example after she said she was sad they cancelled the cycle she then text again asking how was his drive home. I found it odd she was trying to get some kind of conversation going.

 

The woman knows he is in a relationship.

 

Am I being paranoid or does this woman like my boyfriend romantically?

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It sounds like she might have a crush, yes. Do you know her relationship status?

 

But as long as your boyfriend is being transparent with you and laying down appropriate boundaries with her, it likely won't become an issue. If he senses she's trying to be more than friends, he will need to limit their contact.

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Yes she does. But there is absolutely nothing to worry about as he has been totally open with you and showed you the text as it made him feel uncomfortable. You are in a happy committed relationship - do not let this cougar trouble you for another minute. Calmly explain to your bf that he should cut anymore alone time with her though, for her sake as well as yours and his.

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Thanks so much for your replies. My partner found the texts strange but says there has been nothing to indicate she likes him when he sees her face-to-face. He therefore currently does not want to cut the alone time, as he genuinely enjoys the cycling. We have not long lived in this area so we do not have many friends here.

 

I feel uncomfortable having to wait and watch this unfold but do not feel like I can dictate to him that he cannot see her. I do completely trust him and know he would never cheat on me but at the same time I find the current situation disrespectful to our relationship.

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There is likely to be any number of people who'll find each of you attractive over the course of your lives. That's pretty irrelevant to a couple that trusts one another to handle themselves. If BF is concerned about this woman for any reason, he can invite others to bike with them, including you.

 

I think it's a bit trigger-happy to assign motives to such banal texts.

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A lot of sports, hobbies etc. are co-ed. Why the sudden suspicion after 8 years? What else is going on? He seems to be very open book about it and his end focuses on this cycling sport.

So my partner did a time trial with her and then another occasion on a weekend did a long cycle just the two of them.

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I agree with Catfeeder. I think he does need to enforce appropriate boundaries and not respond to the "looking forward to seeing you" (yes, I see that as different from "looking forward to cycling"). I do think you should go as well if you can. I would not refer to her as a "cougar" or anything derogatory -she is his coworker for one thing (I know you didn't but saw someone assume that just because she is in her 50s and your boyfriend is younger she must be a "cougar".

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Thanks all for replies. I should probably state I can't go with them as I have Crohn's disease and I am not able to keep up or cycle for that distance without awful pain. I do enjoy lots of walks with my boyfriend. My boyfriend replied to the text "looking forward to seeing you" with "I was looking forward to it as well", which in hindsight wasn't the best reply and didn't enforce boundaries. I do completely trust him, I know he would never cheat on me or leave me for this woman. However, it just feels like swimming in murky waters. I know everyone is different and everyone has different boundaries about what is acceptable to them in relationships. I feel like 1:1 time with a woman who attempts to become more than friends with my boyfriend (not saying she IS doing this, I don't know for sure how she feels), is crossing my boundary. I am kind of just using this post to get outsider perspective.

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Agree. Offering to tag along comes across as "spying" and very insecure. These texts sounds innocuous. Relax, he was an open book thus has nothing to hide. Reflect on where the unfounded insecurity is really coming from, because a few collegial texts is not causing all this.

I should probably state I can't go with them as I have Crohn's disease and I am not able to keep up or cycle for that distance without awful pain.
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Thanks all for replies. I should probably state I can't go with them as I have Crohn's disease and I am not able to keep up or cycle for that distance without awful pain. I do enjoy lots of walks with my boyfriend. My boyfriend replied to the text "looking forward to seeing you" with "I was looking forward to it as well", which in hindsight wasn't the best reply and didn't enforce boundaries. I do completely trust him, I know he would never cheat on me or leave me for this woman. However, it just feels like swimming in murky waters. I know everyone is different and everyone has different boundaries about what is acceptable to them in relationships. I feel like 1:1 time with a woman who attempts to become more than friends with my boyfriend (not saying she IS doing this, I don't know for sure how she feels), is crossing my boundary. I am kind of just using this post to get outsider perspective.

 

I think it's fine as long as she respects your relationship with him, he behaves appropriately and you are given the opportunity to meet her if this becomes a regular thing.

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Agree. Offering to tag along comes across as "spying" and very insecure. These texts sounds innocuous. Relax, he was an open book thus has nothing to hide. Reflect on where the unfounded insecurity is really coming from, because a few collegial texts is not causing all this.

I don't know, maybe you are right. He has lots of female colleagues who is good friends with, including a colleague who he used to work with that he now meets up with at Christmas etc. I don't have any concerns. I just found these texts weird, but I do find it interesting how other people also feel those texts indicates she is romantically interested in him. Whereas, other people such as yourself see them as innocuous. It's confusing

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I think it's fine as long as she respects your relationship with him, he behaves appropriately and you are given the opportunity to meet her if this becomes a regular thing.

 

Thank you Batya, do you feel a text like what she sent is respecting our relationship? Saying "looking forward to seeing you" instead of "looking forward to the cycling"? He is going cycling with her again tomorrow so will see what that brings, if anything.

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Thank you Batya, do you feel a text like what she sent is respecting our relationship? Saying "looking forward to seeing you" instead of "looking forward to the cycling"? He is going cycling with her again tomorrow so will see what that brings, if anything.

 

I think it's borderline. I would need more information. Maybe she just dashed it off. One time many years ago I was sure a guy was flirting with me - when in reality he was just joking. I responded by flirting back because I thought he was cute. I had no clue that the woman standing next to him (our classmate, this was grad school) was his girlfriend because they'd kept that under wraps. So she was annoyed with him because his "joke" crossed the line and I wanted to disappear into the floor. I share because let's cut her slack for now -her text wasn't over the top and she knows about you -but does she know how serious it is?

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I don't really see anything in her texts that comes across as her coming onto your bf in any way. My business e-mails have more "looking forward to seeing you" than this. It's just a common phrase people use in all context every day. Also, if someone knows you are traveling, asking how it went is again common sort of social question and completely benign.

 

Unfortunately, this is one of those situations where it's hard to judge what's really happening without seeing their real life interactions and body language. It could be absolutely nothing. It could be she likes him. It could also be that your bf is flattering himself at her expense and perhaps is drawn to her a little himself. That doesn't mean that he will cheat or anything such. Perhaps his making such a big deal out of some mindless texts is a way for him to fend off any temptation and stay loyal to his relationship. Remember that loyalty is a choice and sometimes it's easy and sometimes it's hard to make.

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I just found these texts weird, but I do find it interesting how other people also feel those texts indicates she is romantically interested in him. Whereas, other people such as yourself see them as innocuous. It's confusing

 

Well, consider how you found out about the texts. Did you sneak into his phone to see them, or did he show them to you?

 

If BF were to be hiding them, that's a completely different story than open-booking them with you.

 

Point is, this isn't about her, it's about him. If you're confident in him, then she's irrelevant.

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I am a 50 something lady & work with 13 men. I am the only female in the company.

 

I dont know any of their phone numbers, I dont socialise with them other than our Xmas lunch and I have no need to.

 

Maybe I am like this because my ex cheated on me with a much younger co worker ?

 

I would keep my eyes & ears open if I were you.

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Maybe she's lonely. Is she married? Could she just be chatty? I find a lot of women in their 50s are very chatty. They have nothing to prove to anyone, they're not looking for a date, and they'll talk to anyone they want to. She's not hitting on your guy and there's no sign of an emotional relationship. I don't see anything wrong with the texts or them cycling together.

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I probably need to emphasise this is a BRAND new friendship that my boyfriend has with this woman. He said he hardly knew her as he rarely spoke to her at work and she only works two days a week. They have now been cycling twice so they are very much at the getting to know each other stage of a friendship. I feel some of you may be thinking these texts are completely normal as you would send them to some of your oldest and dearest friends. I’m not saying she isn’t simply being friendly. I am not sure what she thinks I just had a bad feeling.

I do completely trust my boyfriend so I hear what you are saying - that she is irrelevant. Yet it just sits uneasy with me if she thinks with each cycle she is getting more invested in the idea of being with him romantically. To clarify the woman is divorced.

 

While my boyfriend found the texts a little strange, they aren’t strange enough for him to cease contact so for now things are just going to continue and he is actually going cycling with her this evening.

 

I was fretting about things after reading all these posts so I asked my boyfriend if I could see the texts again. I had actually remembered them wrong here is what was said:

 

- My boyfriend cancelled the cycling

- The woman replied:

I know it’s not great in the rain is it? We’ll do it one day next week instead :-) Have a good weekend in ****(home city)

-My boyfriend did not respond

- An hour later the woman text again:

Bloody weather! I was looking forward to seeing you :-/

-My boyfriend replied to reschedule (for today).

- The woman replied:

Yes definitely I shall be ready for you x

- My boyfriend did not reply

- The woman text again:

Did you have a good journey over to ***** (home city)? X
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She seems to want attention, however your bf is doing the right thing keeping it terse or not responding to nonsense chitchat. It's your bf and his actions that matter here, not some lonely divorced cougar.

To clarify the woman is divorced.

-My boyfriend did not respond

- My boyfriend did not reply

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