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forthebest

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Was in a very short relationship with my ex.

 

In a nutshell, she had just come out of a manipulative relationship and I was there at the right time. However, during the course of our time together, I noticed that she would sometimes meet up with him. She assured me numerous times that she needed to settle some unfinished business like settle a huge loan that she gave him. I hated the thought of her meeting him but I did not want to come across as needy or clingy so I gave her the space to meet up with her ex. She assured me that she would tell her ex about us and ask him not to bother her again.

 

One day, she said she needed to see him urgently and I let her go even though I was unhappy about it. When she came back about 3 hours later and we argued. The next day, we argued further. I gave her the option that either I tell her ex about us or she did. She said she would and later texted me that she already told him. She was very unhappy about it and I felt guilty about it.

 

That evening, she told me she wanted to get some drinks and she wanted to be alone. So I let her be. About 2 hours later, she came back bruised. Apparently, she had arranged to meet her ex and she was beaten by him. She came back crying and said she wanted to move out immediately. I tried to talk some sense into her but failed and allowed her to move out. She said she needed some space. I took a walk and while I was out, her ex came over to help her get her stuff.

 

I came back and saw her ex and I confronted him. A lot of the truth came out and I realized that my ex had been lying about things. In a nutshell, she moved out and it was damn messy.

 

About 3 days later, I found evidence that she had cheated on me with her ex while she was with me. I confronted her and her first reaction was to blame me. I was like how did I deserve this and what did I do? Went NC the very next day.

 

I did my research about cheating and an article which resonated with me was that I needed to see whether the cheating occurred with someone who she knew before me or after me. The answer to this question is apparently since she cheated me on with her ex. So I guess I could forgive her but I need to draw the line that I should not ever initiate contact.

 

During the first few days of NC, she messaged me that everything was her fault. I ignored it. During the next few weeks, she would put up some social media posts directed at me. As far as I know she is still talking with her ex. The last few days though from her social media, I realized that her ex and her were having issues. Part of me is like "I told you so" while the other part of me is wanting to reach out to her.

 

However, I still need time to heal and think things through. My ex has a lot of suitors and part of me is like "just reach out!" But I don't think I can do that simply because I would be telling her that cheating and being disrespectful of our relationship is ok.

 

My heart says just wait a little while my head says the relationship has died.

 

If you were me, what would you do?

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You shouldn't have gotten involved with someone who has barely untangled themselves from their former relationship.

 

Also never take back a cheater. Block her and let that mess go. Also keep in mind all she does is lie and manipulate u. Guilt tripping you when she is in the wrong is way too much B's and you'd have to be such a chump to ever give her a chance again.

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If I were you, I would stop stalking her social media, block her and move on. She lied, she cheated and blamed you for it. She has shown you what will happen when things get tough. You cannot control her nor fix her. If you go back to that mess , you would be making an informed choice to open yourself to lying, drama and heartbreak. Don't. Delete all her contact details, block her social media, move on.

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If you were me, what would you do?

 

If a woman needs to keep making excuses to spend so much time with an EX, he's not an EX, he's your replacement

Don't play the pick me dance with her it never works and just makes you look weak.

 

Ask yourself this question "How much am I worth?"

If you think you're worth more than a guy who sits around waiting for a girl who lies and cheats then you have your answer.

 

The problem with us guys is we allow ourselves to settle for women who treat us like crap when there are so many other faithful women out there who would love to have a guy like you. Remember no woman will ever value and respect you until you first learn to value and respect yourself.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, I feel your pain, but trust me... you can do better...ignore her and move on

 

She's not worth it, but you are, good luck!

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I would be telling her that cheating and being disrespectful of our relationship is ok.

 

That's exactly the message you'll be sending if you respond..."I'm a doormat, do as you please to me and go with other men".

 

You won't be able to fix this by replying or letting her have her own way. All you can do is stay away. She is toxic and a cheater. She cares only about her own selfish needs and not the damage she is doing to others.

 

You contacting her won't change that.

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You shouldn't have gotten involved with someone who has barely untangled themselves from their former relationship.

 

Also never take back a cheater. Block her and let that mess go. Also keep in mind all she does is lie and manipulate u. Guilt tripping you when she is in the wrong is way too much B's and you'd have to be such a chump to ever give her a chance again.

 

Actually, when we got together, she did not tell me until later on. Thank you so much for setting me straight.

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If I were you, I would stop stalking her social media, block her and move on. She lied, she cheated and blamed you for it. She has shown you what will happen when things get tough. You cannot control her nor fix her. If you go back to that mess , you would be making an informed choice to open yourself to lying, drama and heartbreak. Don't. Delete all her contact details, block her social media, move on.

 

Very good insights. I like the insight especially about the informed choice...

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If a woman needs to keep making excuses to spend so much time with an EX, he's not an EX, he's your replacement

Don't play the pick me dance with her it never works and just makes you look weak.

 

Ask yourself this question "How much am I worth?"

If you think you're worth more than a guy who sits around waiting for a girl who lies and cheats then you have your answer.

 

The problem with us guys is we allow ourselves to settle for women who treat us like crap when there are so many other faithful women out there who would love to have a guy like you. Remember no woman will ever value and respect you until you first learn to value and respect yourself.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, I feel your pain, but trust me... you can do better...ignore her and move on

 

She's not worth it, but you are, good luck!

 

Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate everyone's input so as to get clarity.

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That's exactly the message you'll be sending if you respond..."I'm a doormat, do as you please to me and go with other men".

 

You won't be able to fix this by replying or letting her have her own way. All you can do is stay away. She is toxic and a cheater. She cares only about her own selfish needs and not the damage she is doing to others.

 

You contacting her won't change that.

 

Doormat. Got to remember that one. :) Thanks.

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Feeling for you big time. Sorry for everything you’re going through.

 

I’ve been in a version of your shoes, and (yup) a version of your ex’s shoes. Have plenty of compassion and understanding for both sides.

 

That said...

 

This woman, for all her good qualities, is bad news right now. She was bad news when you met, bad news when you got attached, bad news today. Just stay away. I know reading that might trigger a “Yes, I know, but...” So I’ll say it again: stay away. That’s the only course right now. That’s where the light is, once the pain goes away. (It does.) But everything else is just dark.

 

The cheating has nothing to do with you. No verdict on your worth, what you two shared. Nothing. She’s in some twisted thing with ex, some twisted thing with herself, and the cheating is a symptom and you’re the causality. Try to untwist what is twisted and you’ll just become more knotted up yourself. Don’t go there. You clearly have a good head and a warm heart—protect both.

 

No matter how smart we are, there’s a part of us that wants to cure the pain of being cheated on by forgiving the cheater and winning back their commitment. I’m all for forgiveness—it’s what keeps us free and open—and I’m hardly a stalwart when it comes to getting back with someone who has cheated. I think it’s possible, and have friends who prove it.

 

But...

 

Not now, not her. The blaming you, the pivot toward self-pity—both are classic moves of someone who can’t take responsibility for her actions. If you validate this, she will not change. She has years ahead when it comes to working out what’s twisted, if she even does, and you don’t want to be her nurse/crutch. Again: years. Not hours, days, or weeks.

 

Also, you’re hurting. Just be hurt for a bit. Heal. That’s important. The most important. She’s not the cure to the hurt, but the cause. Remember that.

 

I’ve been her, many moons ago. I was bad news. Not a monster, but bad news. Change didn’t happen overnight, and it didn’t happen because I loved someone or missed someone so much it changed me. I loved and missed, big time, sincerely. I was also bad news.

 

I’ve been you, a year ago—maybe, who knows, because of karma or because I sought something to atone. Doesn’t matter. All I had to do was look at myself, at where I’ve been, to know that my ex had a long road ahead and that it was a road that would just hurt if I tried to ride it. I forgive her. She’s no monster. She’s a decent person who I caught in a twisted place. I hope she’s well, but I’m happy to be far away.

 

Hope this helps.

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Forthebest, I understand exactly what you are you going through and my heart goes out to you. Everyone here has given you GREAT advice. She's bad news-- Run and never look back. Just go!!

 

While you didn't know what you were getting into in the beginning, you later found out. So now you DO know. Even after the truth came out, she didn't leave him alone so shes MADE HER CHOICE. No need to stalk her social media or wish their relationship harm-- you can use that energy to heal, move forward and find a woman that values YOU. Contacting her for ANY reason sends the message that you are willing to be her side dude, a doormat, AND that you have zero self esteem and self worth.

 

As someone who did something similar in my past life, I can tell you that it turned out distrastrous for the new guy. He didn't know about certain things but when he found out, he didn't enforce boundaries. He didn't like my dealings with my ex but he ALLOWED it. And it went on for years. So don't even start down that road with her- don't allow it from day one. Please leave that woman in the dust as you have and keep your eyes straight ahead--- she will just drag you down emotionally, and probably financially too, and then she will be gone. Good luck to you!

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As someone who did something similar in my past life, I can tell you that it turned out distrastrous for the new guy. He didn't know about certain things but when he found out, he didn't enforce boundaries. He didn't like my dealings with my ex but he ALLOWED it. I WANTED him to man up and be like, oh hell no!! You got 30 days to close that chapter of your life, or I'm gone!! I wanted to feel secure in his masculinity and in his ability to lead in the relationship. Seeing that he was willing to tolerate another guy in the picture caused me to lose ALL respect and attraction for him- so I kept my options open until I got tired and cut him off. Later I matured, and desired to become a better person and pursue a serious relationship leading to marriage. That guy was NEVER a consideration. I cared for him but there was NO respect. I wanted a guy that had self respect, self worth and integrity. So please leave that woman in the dust as you have and keep your eyes straight ahead--- she will just drag you down emotionally, and probably financially too, and then she will be gone. Good luck to you!

 

I did set up boundaries but having through bad relationships I did empathize with her and gave her space. I did however tell her that I would give her 30 days to sort out her issues otherwise I would set in and sort out the issues. I mean on hindsight, the relationship was too young to have been burdened with that but at the same time I think I needed to make sure I was on the right track. Do I regret forcing her to tell her ex about us? I miss her but I do not regret what I had to do. Anyway, thank you so much for your input.

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Feeling for you big time. Sorry for everything you’re going through.

 

I’ve been in a version of your shoes, and (yup) a version of your ex’s shoes. Have plenty of compassion and understanding for both sides.

 

That said...

 

This woman, for all her good qualities, is bad news right now. She was bad news when you met, bad news when you got attached, bad news today. Just stay away. I know reading that might trigger a “Yes, I know, but...” So I’ll say it again: stay away. That’s the only course right now. That’s where the light is, once the pain goes away. (It does.) But everything else is just dark.

 

The cheating has nothing to do with you. No verdict on your worth, what you two shared. Nothing. She’s in some twisted thing with ex, some twisted thing with herself, and the cheating is a symptom and you’re the causality. Try to untwist what is twisted and you’ll just become more knotted up yourself. Don’t go there. You clearly have a good head and a warm heart—protect both.

 

No matter how smart we are, there’s a part of us that wants to cure the pain of being cheated on by forgiving the cheater and winning back their commitment. I’m all for forgiveness—it’s what keeps us free and open—and I’m hardly a stalwart when it comes to getting back with someone who has cheated. I think it’s possible, and have friends who prove it.

 

But...

 

Not now, not her. The blaming you, the pivot toward self-pity—both are classic moves of someone who can’t take responsibility for her actions. If you validate this, she will not change. She has years ahead when it comes to working out what’s twisted, if she even does, and you don’t want to be her nurse/crutch. Again: years. Not hours, days, or weeks.

 

Also, you’re hurting. Just be hurt for a bit. Heal. That’s important. The most important. She’s not the cure to the hurt, but the cause. Remember that.

 

I’ve been her, many moons ago. I was bad news. Not a monster, but bad news. Change didn’t happen overnight, and it didn’t happen because I loved someone or missed someone so much it changed me. I loved and missed, big time, sincerely. I was also bad news.

 

I’ve been you, a year ago—maybe, who knows, because of karma or because I sought something to atone. Doesn’t matter. All I had to do was look at myself, at where I’ve been, to know that my ex had a long road ahead and that it was a road that would just hurt if I tried to ride it. I forgive her. She’s no monster. She’s a decent person who I caught in a twisted place. I hope she’s well, but I’m happy to be far away.

 

Hope this helps.

 

It makes so much sense. I guess the thing is years is what I don't have so I guess I will have to move on.

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You know the path, it's clear. Really feeling for you.

 

YEARS. Whenever you're spinning in these hard, early days, just let that word drop like Hiroshima. YEARS.

 

Take the lessons, but don't let the resentment harden. It SUCKS, I know.

 

But this isn't some moment to become cynical and paranoid, and that's what engaging will do. Let it be a stubbed toe, not a broken leg. You tripped on her sh*t and scraped your knee.

 

Now you stay clear of her sh*t. Not yours to clean up.

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You only dated two weeks, and then moved in together. Huge mistake. You should date someone at least a year before moving in. You didn't even know each other. Why would you move in together so quickly? She needed a place to go?

 

You also do not get involved with people who are recently out of a long-term relationship. They have not had time to process the relationship.

 

Your relationship never had a chance.

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You only dated two weeks, and then moved in together. Huge mistake. You should date someone at least a year before moving in. You didn't even know each other. Why would you move in together so quickly? She needed a place to go?

 

You also do not get involved with people who are recently out of a long-term relationship. They have not had time to process the relationship.

 

Your relationship never had a chance.

 

Wow, your analysis is really brutal. But thanks, I really needed that.

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You know the path, it's clear. Really feeling for you.

 

YEARS. Whenever you're spinning in these hard, early days, just let that word drop like Hiroshima. YEARS.

 

Take the lessons, but don't let the resentment harden. It SUCKS, I know.

 

But this isn't some moment to become cynical and paranoid, and that's what engaging will do. Let it be a stubbed toe, not a broken leg. You tripped on her sh*t and scraped your knee.

 

Now you stay clear of her sh*t. Not yours to clean up.

 

I have to remind myself it is not my responsiblity to clean up her act. Thanks for helping me see the light.

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It wasn't meant to hurt.

 

You have to get to know people. This takes time.

 

Actually we did spend a lot of time together because we were together every night after her work. But it was too soon as you put it. And don't need to apologize for being brutally honest. Sometimes things just need to be said.

Gracias.

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