Ex cheated on me

[forthebest]

That's exactly the message you'll be sending if you respond..."I'm a doormat, do as you please to me and go with other men".

You won't be able to fix this by replying or letting her have her own way. All you can do is stay away. She is toxic and a cheater. She cares only about her own selfish needs and not the damage she is doing to others.

You contacting her won't change that.

Doormat. Got to remember that one. :) Thanks.

[bluecastle]

Feeling for you big time. Sorry for everything you’re going through.

I’ve been in a version of your shoes, and (yup) a version of your ex’s shoes. Have plenty of compassion and understanding for both sides.

That said...

This woman, for all her good qualities, is bad news right now. She was bad news when you met, bad news when you got attached, bad news today. Just stay away. I know reading that might trigger a “Yes, I know, but...” So I’ll say it again: stay away. That’s the only course right now. That’s where the light is, once the pain goes away. (It does.) But everything else is just dark.

The cheating has nothing to do with you. No verdict on your worth, what you two shared. Nothing. She’s in some twisted thing with ex, some twisted thing with herself, and the cheating is a symptom and you’re the causality. Try to untwist what is twisted and you’ll just become more knotted up yourself. Don’t go there. You clearly have a good head and a warm heart—protect both.

No matter how smart we are, there’s a part of us that wants to cure the pain of being cheated on by forgiving the cheater and winning back their commitment. I’m all for forgiveness—it’s what keeps us free and open—and I’m hardly a stalwart when it comes to getting back with someone who has cheated. I think it’s possible, and have friends who prove it.

But...

Not now, not her. The blaming you, the pivot toward self-pity—both are classic moves of someone who can’t take responsibility for her actions. If you validate this, she will not change. She has years ahead when it comes to working out what’s twisted, if she even does, and you don’t want to be her nurse/crutch. Again: years. Not hours, days, or weeks.

Also, you’re hurting. Just be hurt for a bit. Heal. That’s important. The most important. She’s not the cure to the hurt, but the cause. Remember that.

I’ve been her, many moons ago. I was bad news. Not a monster, but bad news. Change didn’t happen overnight, and it didn’t happen because I loved someone or missed someone so much it changed me. I loved and missed, big time, sincerely. I was also bad news.

I’ve been you, a year ago—maybe, who knows, because of karma or because I sought something to atone. Doesn’t matter. All I had to do was look at myself, at where I’ve been, to know that my ex had a long road ahead and that it was a road that would just hurt if I tried to ride it. I forgive her. She’s no monster. She’s a decent person who I caught in a twisted place. I hope she’s well, but I’m happy to be far away.

Hope this helps.

[Hollyj]

We spent a lot of time together as she was living in the same place as me. They had broken up 3 months prior to me dating her.

You only answered one question. How long did you date and how long before you lived together?

[forthebest]

You only answered one question. How long did you date and how long before you lived together?

Dated 2 weeks and we lived together 1 month.

[smJackson]

Forthebest, I understand exactly what you are you going through and my heart goes out to you. Everyone here has given you GREAT advice. She's bad news-- Run and never look back. Just go!!

While you didn't know what you were getting into in the beginning, you later found out. So now you DO know. Even after the truth came out, she didn't leave him alone so shes MADE HER CHOICE. No need to stalk her social media or wish their relationship harm-- you can use that energy to heal, move forward and find a woman that values YOU. Contacting her for ANY reason sends the message that you are willing to be her side dude, a doormat, AND that you have zero self esteem and self worth.

As someone who did something similar in my past life, I can tell you that it turned out distrastrous for the new guy. He didn't know about certain things but when he found out, he didn't enforce boundaries. He didn't like my dealings with my ex but he ALLOWED it. And it went on for years. So don't even start down that road with her- don't allow it from day one. Please leave that woman in the dust as you have and keep your eyes straight ahead--- she will just drag you down emotionally, and probably financially too, and then she will be gone. Good luck to you!

[forthebest]

Forthebest, I understand exactly what you are you going through and my heart goes out to you. Everyone here has given you GREAT advice. She's bad news-- Run and never look back. Just go!!

I totally concur that everyone here has given great advice! Kudos to all you kind souls.

[forthebest]

As someone who did something similar in my past life, I can tell you that it turned out distrastrous for the new guy. He didn't know about certain things but when he found out, he didn't enforce boundaries. He didn't like my dealings with my ex but he ALLOWED it. I WANTED him to man up and be like, oh hell no!! You got 30 days to close that chapter of your life, or I'm gone!! I wanted to feel secure in his masculinity and in his ability to lead in the relationship. Seeing that he was willing to tolerate another guy in the picture caused me to lose ALL respect and attraction for him- so I kept my options open until I got tired and cut him off. Later I matured, and desired to become a better person and pursue a serious relationship leading to marriage. That guy was NEVER a consideration. I cared for him but there was NO respect. I wanted a guy that had self respect, self worth and integrity. So please leave that woman in the dust as you have and keep your eyes straight ahead--- she will just drag you down emotionally, and probably financially too, and then she will be gone. Good luck to you!

I did set up boundaries but having through bad relationships I did empathize with her and gave her space. I did however tell her that I would give her 30 days to sort out her issues otherwise I would set in and sort out the issues. I mean on hindsight, the relationship was too young to have been burdened with that but at the same time I think I needed to make sure I was on the right track. Do I regret forcing her to tell her ex about us? I miss her but I do not regret what I had to do. Anyway, thank you so much for your input.

[forthebest]

Feeling for you big time. Sorry for everything you’re going through.

I’ve been in a version of your shoes, and (yup) a version of your ex’s shoes. Have plenty of compassion and understanding for both sides.

That said...

This woman, for all her good qualities, is bad news right now. She was bad news when you met, bad news when you got attached, bad news today. Just stay away. I know reading that might trigger a “Yes, I know, but...” So I’ll say it again: stay away. That’s the only course right now. That’s where the light is, once the pain goes away. (It does.) But everything else is just dark.

The cheating has nothing to do with you. No verdict on your worth, what you two shared. Nothing. She’s in some twisted thing with ex, some twisted thing with herself, and the cheating is a symptom and you’re the causality. Try to untwist what is twisted and you’ll just become more knotted up yourself. Don’t go there. You clearly have a good head and a warm heart—protect both.

No matter how smart we are, there’s a part of us that wants to cure the pain of being cheated on by forgiving the cheater and winning back their commitment. I’m all for forgiveness—it’s what keeps us free and open—and I’m hardly a stalwart when it comes to getting back with someone who has cheated. I think it’s possible, and have friends who prove it.

But...

Not now, not her. The blaming you, the pivot toward self-pity—both are classic moves of someone who can’t take responsibility for her actions. If you validate this, she will not change. She has years ahead when it comes to working out what’s twisted, if she even does, and you don’t want to be her nurse/crutch. Again: years. Not hours, days, or weeks.

Also, you’re hurting. Just be hurt for a bit. Heal. That’s important. The most important. She’s not the cure to the hurt, but the cause. Remember that.

I’ve been her, many moons ago. I was bad news. Not a monster, but bad news. Change didn’t happen overnight, and it didn’t happen because I loved someone or missed someone so much it changed me. I loved and missed, big time, sincerely. I was also bad news.

I’ve been you, a year ago—maybe, who knows, because of karma or because I sought something to atone. Doesn’t matter. All I had to do was look at myself, at where I’ve been, to know that my ex had a long road ahead and that it was a road that would just hurt if I tried to ride it. I forgive her. She’s no monster. She’s a decent person who I caught in a twisted place. I hope she’s well, but I’m happy to be far away.

Hope this helps.

It makes so much sense. I guess the thing is years is what I don't have so I guess I will have to move on.

[smJackson]

I did go back and edit my answer because I thought it was too lengthy, but you get the point. And clearly you were understanding and flexible beyond what was even necessary! Good luck to you!

[bluecastle]

You know the path, it's clear. Really feeling for you.

YEARS. Whenever you're spinning in these hard, early days, just let that word drop like Hiroshima. YEARS.

Take the lessons, but don't let the resentment harden. It SUCKS, I know.

But this isn't some moment to become cynical and paranoid, and that's what engaging will do. Let it be a stubbed toe, not a broken leg. You tripped on her sh*t and scraped your knee.

Now you stay clear of her sh*t. Not yours to clean up.