Ex pregnant g.f left me.

I dont know where to start.....here goes.

We have been together for 10 years....lived together for most of that time and broke up more times then i can remember.

Shes 33 and im 35, we have a 3 year son that we both adore he is our world. She is 7months pregnant and hasnt been nice to me around the house for months.

She left me 4 weeks ago and moved to her parents house, we had a silly argument over what was for tea.....i know, so petty.

I got back from work and realised she had taken all her stuff and most of my sons clothing.

It was over a week that we had a disagreement on when i could see my son, she cut me off and didnt respond to any texts or phonecalls, i decided to go round and ask for my house keys back at 11 at night, not the best time but i was very upset, i banged on the door and they called the police, the office said that i could have my keys back and i could see my son tomorrow the next day.

That morning i called her but she kept putting the phone down i was going crazy not being able to see my son.

She finally answers her work phone and said hes round her sisters.....i then went round her sisters and they handed him over.....he missed me so much and we spent the whole day together, unfortunately he had accident in the park so i had to drive him 30 miles back home to get changed.

My ex wanted him back and i kept telling her that he wants to stay with me.....hes starting nursery so i explained that its best he lives here and he settled.....she agreed and said aslong as i drop him off the next day he can go to the nursery near me.

Dropped him off next morning and i messaged and called and she replies that i will not be seeing him untill mediation starts she then gets me done for harrasment and i am unable to see him ir contact her.

I then got csa ringing me and a court order about custody that said she left because she felt abused etc. No violence just shouting.....but it was not that bad in my opinion

She said i never listened to her and that i never truly loved her.

Went to court tuesday and she agreed i could see my son and ge coukd spend the night and i have him weds and fridays.

She said only contact she wants is through email and that it only has to be about the kids.

I met her outside her work because i had my sons belongings, i was going to help her to the bus stop but she said that her mum is picking her up.....we chatted and was civil and then her mum picked her up.

That night her mum text my brother and said the harrasment warning is still in place and that if he meets her at her workplace agsin il report him to the police, even though the meeting ooint the court gave us was 10secs away from her workplace.

I have been civil and we have been exchainging emails of our son....she says the baby will have my surname and she will let me know when shes giving birth so i can be their, i sound calm but im very upset, i miss her everday and i feel like someone has died, i feel like shes not hurting and shes so stubborn.....i wrote her a 16 page letter telling her i wud change but says that i have said it all before l really do want her back.....i want us to be a family again.

We went to court and i have my son 2 days a week......its so hard not seeing him all the time.

She read my letters but says it doesnt change anything....i begged her to give our family a 2nd chance but she says she doesnt love me anymore and its over.

Im going to give her space....its so hard because in 12 weeks time the new baby will be here.....im hoping that i can show her i have changed and we do have loads in common and i will communicate more.

We have been civil and do email eachother but only about my son and baby....not allowed to talk about my feelings or the past relationship.

I just wished she would change her mind but i dont see it happening.

So sorry you are hurt but it sounds like the relationship was too toxic. Sometimes it's better to raise children in an enviroment that has two separated parents that are civil to each other, rather than parents that don't get along in their relationship. She is doing it for the kids believe it or not. You can't play this down anymore, this is pretty serious. Verbal/emotional abuse is just as bad and even can be worse than physical abuse. It takes a lot longer for emotional scares to heal. You had 10 years to change, talk about your feelings, get counseling, and or get therapy to work on solutions to fix this. Stick a fork in her she's done.

The best thing you can do is to get a lawyer and go to court to set up visitation, custody, and child support. Be the best dad you can be.

Sorry to hear this. You have the right to visit your son, but it must be done through a court with decided upon custody/visitation and child support. Keep your cool and don't get arrested, or have a restraining order slapped on you. That would make your life and career a nightmare as well as seriously reduce the possibility of freely seeing your son/kids

It was over a week that we had a disagreement on when i could see my son, she cut me off and didnt respond to any texts or phonecalls, i decided to go round and ask for my house keys back at 11 at night, not the best time but i was very upset, i banged on the door and they called the police, the office said that i could have my keys back and i could see my son tomorrow the next day.

I am sorry to hear you are going through this. You need to concentrate on your children right now, they need a home where there is no yelling and no fighting, even if it means that you two are separated.

Both of you sound like you could use anger management classes as well. Even if she doesn't agree to do this, you should go and see if you can take them. Not to get back together with her, but for yourself.

It will teach you how to control your anger in a much more constructive way rather than a destructive way.

It sounds like both of you need to learn how to communicate better and control your tempers.

I hope somehow you find this as an opportunity to improve yourself, for your own good and for your children.

But I also know how difficult it can be.

Take things day by day, don't lose your temper and do what you can to remain amicable with your ex. It's in your best interest.

I know your right but its all been blown out of proportion.....question i have is, will she feel differently after the baby?

People get divorced all the time and get back together.....surely i have a chance but aslong has i show her im changing.

It wont be long untill she needs to look after a 3 year old and a baby......shes living with her mum and i know her, her mum will take over and she wont like that.

Im giving her space but the no contact rule is hard because i see her when i pick up my amazing son.

I think it's best you start investing your emotional energy only toward your child (and future child) and DIVESTING emotionally from this relationship.

This relationship is not serving you, or her, and hasn't for quite some time. The foundation has set, and it's no good. End of story.

Sorry to be blunt, buy you guys have been in the soup for a decade. You've broken up and gotten back together and broken up and gotten back together. It just doesn't work.

Sometimes we can comb our brains for all the ways we can change, or that they can change, when really it's about accepting that humans are chemicals and some, when mixed, are explosive.

I think your right.....i do need to focus on just being a great dad.

I think we could of worked it out through couple councilling but that was not a option for her.

It just gives me heart ache that it was just easy for her to say goodbye. Isnt she hurting?

I just dont know how to heal when she will always be around, its a nightmare.

But i just need to be mature about it all.....i love my son with all my heart and he loves me, i just dont know what will happen when she gives birth to my other son.

Do i do the no contact rule? Do i prentend im happy inside?

If there was a lot of fighting, each time a fight occurred, hurt replaced the love.

It's normal for couples to fight say..once or twice a month, but not every day or week like you made it sound.

If it is constantly a war zone and breaking up, getting back together and breaking up again...eventually both persons or at least one of them, will have had enough.

They literally feel freedom and peace being away from the person they fight with all the time.

I know, I have been there was an ex. Did I miss him? Can't say I did. He pushed me too far too many times. He drove me crazy. I felt the need to run as far away from him as possible.

I don't know how your ex feels, but all I can tell you is, after so many years of fighting, whether you realize it or not, major damage is done and sometimes it can never be undone.

It's why couples try to get counselling or anger management help, etc before it get's to this point.

Sometimes sorry isn't enough.

You obviously need to still talk concerning your children. Yes, you act polite, you don't cry or act sad around her. Definitely don't start talking about the relationship and don't beg.

Focus on talking about the children only.

Do your best to be strong, your children need their father. You still have them and they still love you and will always need you.

But for now, with your ex, leave things be. You need to heal right now more than you need to do anything else.

Hi thanks for the reply.

We didnt fight everyday.....we went on holiday 2 months ago and didnt argue once even with a 3 year old kicking off.

If the relationship was so toxic and violent......why would you want another baby with them? That's what i can not understand, its the biggest commitment you can ever do, if you hate that person and cant stand to be with them.....why have a baby?

How many times did you break up and get back together? That right there isn't normal.

I didn't say she hated you, I said it's possible she just got tired of the fighting. Fighting over what to have for tea? Come on, guys...you know there's something not right if that's all it took.

Broke up 5 times over 10 years.......but kids sre involved now.

I know i can make it work, i cant move on untill after the baby is born in 12 weeks, feelings change....i just need to build a friendship with her and make her realise that the old relationship is dead but we can still work together for the kids, she might fall in love with me again....who knows

Well I believe you, the trick is to make her believe it.

In the meantime, try to get some anger management counselling. There are forums online and loads of information online on not only anger management but on communicating better and fighting more fair, etc.

You've got time now, so might as well do something good with it.

Oh, and see if you can pick a book up on parenting, they are always really useful for any parent.

You go to court and get a child visitation/custody arrangement and child support in place. You stop harassing her or showing up unannounced, before you end up in jail. She left because of the abuse and is not coming back. Couples counselling is not an option in that case.

She's tired of the breakups and instability and rightfully finally left. She needs to focus on the pregnancy, staying safe and healthy and taking care of her son. The children and keeping them safe was a wake up call for her to leave after ten years of nightmarish fighting and breakups. As well it would be best to focus on decent parenting not on getting her back or whether you hurt her enough this time.

It just gives me heart ache that it was just easy for her to say goodbye. Isnt she hurting?

Thankyou for all your advice......but please, if i was violent and abusive, she would cut all ties, but we still chat through email.

I do see i have a opportunity to get to know her again and show her we can both change, i have 12 weeks to show her i csn be the man she fell in love with even though she doesnt love me now.

Legally she can't cut all ties because you have a child in common. When she delivers she will be busy with a second child and certainly won't want to move back to an abusive situation now that she finally got out. You've had 10 YEARS to show her something better, but chose not to.

i have 12 weeks to show her i csn be the man she fell in love

It was not 10 years of abuse.......its ok because your not going to know what our relationship was like, but i am going to a great dad....only thing im good at.

CK, there is always room for improvement and don't forget, it wasn't all your fault. She was the other half of the fighting equation.

Both of you need to change to be any good for anyone in a relationship.

But yes, keep your cool, don't show up unannounced and don't put on the pressure (even if it comes to your son), it will only makes things worse.

Thank you sherry

Love can be buried with stress and anger but im going to be nice and supportive but keep my distance untill she reaches out to me, even if its to do with our son or our baby.

You have to pay child support. It's not "optional".

keep my distance untill she reaches out to me, even if its to do with our son or our baby.

I know....already doing that.

I'd seek legal advice from a qualified family attorney. I'd seek counselling for myself to help me through this, and most especially to address the ways I handle anger. I'd ask for a referral to anger management classes as well. You keep shoving the anger issue aside as exaggerated, but doing that doesn't serve you--and it won't serve you going forward.

Your attorney can advise on whether showing the court that you're participating in counselling and anger management may improve your outcome regarding custody or visitation. I'd also start changing my language away from statements such as, "I have a right to see my son," to "My son has a right to have an uninterrupted relationship with his father." It can benefit your position for your language to become less 'me' centric and more focused on your child and eventually your children.

Hang in there.

I know if i dont give her space she will just oush me away even more i just need to stay busy.

So you have a lawyer? A support network?

The courts almost always favour mothers. She's already gone to child services claiming there was abuse on your part, to the extent she had to flee the home while you were not there with the child and all belongings.

Then you say 'we went to court, she will allow me to see my son two times a week'. Well, no, that's a court decision. Why only two days?

You've already behaved irrationally by showing up to the house late at night. And you are waning wistfully about hopes of getting back together, while she's busy assembling her case and has gathered full time child care around her.

Sometimes feelings have to wait for later. She's waging a war to keep the children from you. Having a plan of action and smart legal council who can advocate for your side and advise you needs to be priority number one if you want a fair chance at being a real part of your kids life.