did i do the right thing? i'm so confused right now

Hi all.

Long time poster. Long time problem-er. Hahaha. The saga of my relationship continues. i've got a lot of other things going on in my life at the moment (funemployment, work burnout, an uncooperative contracted employer who is severely lagging with paying for my services *i've since left that place)

After a while of living a life that basically rail roaded a lot of good relationships, I decided to keep my relationships open. casual. painfully honest.

I think because of this, I've been having wonderful relationships. I met wonderful people. Had short but fulfilling relationships. I even still at this time, have been seeing one that as lasted for over a year. Nothing serious. We just have fun, sometimes dates. But nothing that calls upon anything more than dates and a bit of a connection. A few friends even agree, my destiny so to speak, may be to lead a polyamorous life. A few close friends mentioned I looked happier and more content with my relationships.

I met Farmer's Daughter about Mid June or so. And it was great. She was beautiful. She was funny. She was inclusive. She included me in her day. And we were very communicative with each other. We had the same humor. The same music preferences. And we both wanted kids in the end. We also had the same values. She always said "we'll figure it out", "we'll be good" and the like.

But 3 weeks ago, we had a talk. We planned to go camping (in the short amount of time we were together, we had a couple of day long, out of the city drives amongst other things) and went out hanging with my friends the night before. That morning, I decided to "have the talk". Not the define the relationship talk, but rather, talk about what we wanted. I decided to stick with my guns, try out the poly life, and she wanted to be monogamous. It was a defining moment. No crying was involved. We decided to break up. After we decided to break up, we carried our way through out the day. I made her breakfast, watched a movie, had sex. Stayed in bed. Then we decided to have lunch. We held hands. Kissed. PDA'd. Then we went to get ice cream, stopped by a pharmacy, then went window shopping. We carried about our day. We got back to my place, watched another movie, then had sex again. She said, as she left that she's not the type to let things linger. She implied that she didn't talk to ex lovers, and wanted a clean break. She teared up in the end, but otherwise it was amicable.

i went about my life, aside from my other life situations. Saw my other lovers. But this time, they felt different. I keep thinking of Farmer's. We were friends. We had great chemistry. But we had to end it because of something i'm going through, or at least feel whom I should be. I'm not sure.

I feel conflicted. I'm worried that my old life, or rather, my "poly life" (i put quotation marks on it, because i'm still in doubt as to who I am") would get in the way. Her concerns are valid, but i think so is mine.

We haven't talked since we parted ways. I have other things to focus on, and as much as i want to compartmentalize my life, such like this post I can't.

Did i do the right thing? How do I make up my mind? I feel we left things on such a good note, I feel this is up to me.

Lastly, a friend of mine asked me "are these people important to you?". They're not. Not at least future wise. Farmer knows this.

She wants monogamous. If you can't do it, then you will continue with meaningless relationships.

Is Farmer's Daughter included in "these people"? How old are you? It gets harder to find a connection with someone as you get older. It sounds like you miss her a little. Therefore I think there's a chance you may regret letting her go someday. If you're pretty young, then maybe roll the dice. The bottom line though is that you brought up the talk with her, you told her goodbye, you had already made up your mind. She gave you the impression that she isn't one to waffle or look back. You might not be able to ask for another chance if you tell her you had a change of heart. So good luck if that's what you try to do. Nobody here can tell you you made a mistake. You do have to be sure though, if you try to get her back. Tough spot to be in, I hope you find your happiness!

Yeah, you'll know if you did the right thing on your death bed if you're thinking of her and what your life could have been like with her.

You made a choice, having a decent committed woman or having nameless whoever's for random sex that has no value or meaning.

You chose the latter.

Depending on what you're looking for in life or what brings you fulfillment is what would help you choose what path you want to go down.

The thing is, finding someone worthwhile who could bring so much more to your life than meaningless sex, if extremely difficult to find.

It's your life to live and no one can make these decisions but you. But I do have to wonder why it is you are making the choices that you are and what, if anything, it's going to eventually bring to you in life.

After all, we only get one go around...step carefully.

Hi all.

 

Long time poster. Long time problem-er. Hahaha. The saga of my relationship continues. i've got a lot of other things going on in my life at the moment (funemployment, work burnout, an uncooperative contracted employer who is severely lagging with paying for my services *i've since left that place)

 

After a while of living a life that basically rail roaded a lot of good relationships, I decided to keep my relationships open. casual. painfully honest.

 

I think because of this, I've been having wonderful relationships. I met wonderful people. Had short but fulfilling relationships. I even still at this time, have been seeing one that as lasted for over a year. Nothing serious. We just have fun, sometimes dates. But nothing that calls upon anything more than dates and a bit of a connection. A few friends even agree, my destiny so to speak, may be to lead a polyamorous life. A few close friends mentioned I looked happier and more content with my relationships.

 

I met Farmer's Daughter about Mid June or so. And it was great. She was beautiful. She was funny. She was inclusive. She included me in her day. And we were very communicative with each other. We had the same humor. The same music preferences. And we both wanted kids in the end. We also had the same values. She always said "we'll figure it out", "we'll be good" and the like.

 

But 3 weeks ago, we had a talk. We planned to go camping (in the short amount of time we were together, we had a couple of day long, out of the city drives amongst other things) and went out hanging with my friends the night before. That morning, I decided to "have the talk". Not the define the relationship talk, but rather, talk about what we wanted. I decided to stick with my guns, try out the poly life, and she wanted to be monogamous. It was a defining moment. No crying was involved. We decided to break up. After we decided to break up, we carried our way through out the day. I made her breakfast, watched a movie, had sex. Stayed in bed. Then we decided to have lunch. We held hands. Kissed. PDA'd. Then we went to get ice cream, stopped by a pharmacy, then went window shopping. We carried about our day. We got back to my place, watched another movie, then had sex again. She said, as she left that she's not the type to let things linger. She implied that she didn't talk to ex lovers, and wanted a clean break. She teared up in the end, but otherwise it was amicable.

 

i went about my life, aside from my other life situations. Saw my other lovers. But this time, they felt different. I keep thinking of Farmer's. We were friends. We had great chemistry. But we had to end it because of something i'm going through, or at least feel whom I should be. I'm not sure.

 

I feel conflicted. I'm worried that my old life, or rather, my "poly life" (i put quotation marks on it, because i'm still in doubt as to who I am") would get in the way. Her concerns are valid, but i think so is mine.

 

We haven't talked since we parted ways. I have other things to focus on, and as much as i want to compartmentalize my life, such like this post I can't.

 

Did i do the right thing? How do I make up my mind? I feel we left things on such a good note, I feel this is up to me.

 

Lastly, a friend of mine asked me "are these people important to you?". They're not. Not at least future wise. Farmer knows this.

Your post reminded me this song. lol

I think some of these responses are completely unfair, as if finding one long term partner and settling down is the "right way" and anything else is the "wrong way". This is completely not true. And just because relationships are short, does not mean they are meaningless or lack value. OP even stated that they were more fulfilling relationships and friends pointed out he looked happier.

OP, only you can determine what kind of life you want to live and what will make you happy. Of course you miss this woman, you had a connection and good friendship with her. You weren't wrong for ending the situationship, but you would be wrong to contact her without being positive you want to give a monogamous relationship with her a real try. She was clear that she's not interested in back-and-forth drama, so IF you want to go that route, you'll likely get one shot, so make sure that's where your heart is. If you're not sure, then you continue on with your own life and don't try to mix her into a poly-life that she doesn't want to be a part of.

Really nice post from indea08.

You didn't make a mistake, as really there's no mistakes in life and love. We just try to be as honest as we can be--with ourselves, with others, with the ultimate goal of genuine connection to our truest selves and to another.

Bottom line: she wants monogamy, and she wants it now. She wants that path, is not frightened by it, it's what's comfortable for her. Only you know if that's a step you're ready to take, if that brings more comfort than anxiety, and if the answer is no there's no shame in that. It just means that this is not your moment. Or maybe this is the connection that helps you realize that you've outgrown the quasi-poly life that's served you until this moment--that what was fulfilling yesterday is suddenly ringing a little hollow today. Great. That's growth, evolution, a step closer to your most authentic self. That may not mean you have another shot with her--those steps are sometimes cleared by losses--but it will change your approach to relationships, your intentions, the language you use when meeting women, and so on.

I can relate to a lot of what you've written. I'm monogamously oriented, but I take some time to get there, and have long enjoyed questioning the limits to straight-up monogamy and what alternatives exist. I want those questions to be part of a relationship, to be something that can be discussed in a way that doesn't threaten things. I guess you could say I'm a bit unconventional. Yet the whole "poly" thing also strikes me as insincere for most people, myself included, and so...conundrum!

After some relationships where I felt a little bit rushed to commit, I tried taking a more radically honest approach with things. It was/is a tricky line, as I'm less interested in having multiple sexual partners than I am in not using labels (bf, gf, monogamous, poly, whatever) to be the thing that defines everything the moment deep feelings start stirring. I just kind of like the idea of saying to someone "you can do whatever you want" and them still choosing you, and vise versa, and that becomes the foundation for monogamous commitment rather than "the talk" after 2 weeks of fun chats and physical intimacy. To me, if "the talk" comes too early it sometimes feels less about cementing feelings than in suppressing anxieties. And I want a relationship that can contain anxieties, not be some kind of false vessel where the realities of humanity dissolve. That's just me, who I am right now.

Anyhow, a few months ago I met someone who seemed to share my mindset. It helped that it was long distance, so for all our connection (amazing conversations, great chemistry, shared values) it didn't seem like the moment to label things. But it became clear that this space, while comfortable for me, was not for her. And so we ended things. I wasn't sleeping with anyone else, had no interest, but still: something felt off, as if moving forward from that point wasn't quite the honest foundation I was seeking. Still, it rattled me as you're now rattled, had me questioning whether I was just some intimacy-phobe using fancy language to mask my issues, etc.

Well, more recently I found myself in a similar position. But she was the more vocal one about trying to create something conventional from an unconventional plane, which I ADORED. She's divorced, not interested in going down the same path she's been on. So even though our connection was so obviously rare from the start, we opted for honest conversation over definitions. No constraints, no rules save we'd respect the hell out of the other's truth. And it has been SUBLIME! We've confronted things I've longed to confront with someone, and I've found a level of comfort I'm not sure I've experienced before. A lot of that comfort came from a place that I'd imagine would be a dealbreaker for a lot of people, like her sleeping with someone else shortly after we started sleeping together. But it was what I needed, a way of finding the kind of warmth, honestly, and respect of someone's individuality that I crave. Hot romance and hot friendship in one package.

It's still new, still undefined, but it's working. It's a very intentional relationship, and an increasingly conventional one. Neither of us are on the prowl, sleeping with other people--it's almost like that door just closed on its own, even if it's still technically open, which is what we both required to get to this place. Again, not for everyone. But just figured I'd share it with you, because it sounds like we're both navigating somewhat similar terrain.

Best of luck. Your heart knows the truth. You know when what you miss is someone's full personhood, and not merely the comfort. You can't force being on the same page with someone, and a lot of highly conventional relationships fail because people do just that, hoping if the places of friction and disconnect with magically vanish if you shove them deep into the closet.

I think everything you are feeling is to be expected.

I've see relationships, whether friendly, family, casual or otherwise a growing, living thing.

No matter how much you try, they are bound to mature and deepen.

Trying to keep something casual from growing and trying to keep it at a status quo is close to impossible.

So as much as you prefer these types of friendships, unless you are able to get comfortable with the fact that they need to run their course and come to end at some point, you might reconsider what it is exactly you are looking for.

Thank you all, and at first, i felt a bit of judgement from initial responses but i understand that not everyone is fitted for a life of non monogamy. I feel my craving for something substantial, and my fear of the finite leads me to lean towards unsecured relationships where i can keep my distance and yet enjoy the immediate intimacy, sans sex even. In my lovers defense, i do share myself with them. Who i am, my opinions and i make them feel as if they matter. Which they do.

But in the end, i want one person. One whom i would raise kids with. I am 38 years old. Single. Recently unemployed. Have a masters education and a good career in the path ive chosen. Im at a point where i want to change my life up, upwards so to speak.

I know, as early as it was, that having a conversation about who we were was important. I value her presence in my life and, i told her the honest truth, that im not planning on becoming monogamous for the time being, but intend to do so when i settle down. Or at least, in hindsight, when im less fearful of whatever it is im fearful about. All i know is, deep in my heart she shook my core where it made me not only question what it is that i want, but also inspired me to be truthful to myself and my partners.

I tried to go about my path and do my normal behaviors. I tried to date. But it doesnt feel genuine. Not the same as how i felt when i was with her. Do i want to try monogamy with her? Sure. But a very small part of me feels stifled with this. A very small part. Maybe 8%?

I know we only briefly dated. But the friendship and the foundation, aside from MY issue, was there.

One thing is for sure. I was honest with her. She was honest with me.

Sounds like you two shared something beautiful, something that's really stirred you, and ultimately what more can we ask of a relationship, be it two weeks or 20 years?

Are you in therapy? As someone exactly your age, with some similar issues/beliefs that are still coming into focus, I can say it's been a boon. It's helped me accept myself without the judgement, find language to better understand myself, and to fully inhabit parts of myself that have long been murky.

Just going back to my long, rambling post. I found, in my current relationship, that what negated that 8% stifling feeling was being able to share it. Not just being able to express it, and have that expression heard with respect, but to genuinely share that POV in life and love. We both have that kind of mentality, which oddly is what's making it so easy to go down the road to being in something committed and monogamous. We have NO IDEA where this is going, and I suspect we'll be celebrating it in just that fashion even if it lasts for years. So instead of feeling like there's some knot I need to untangle before settling down, I just feel like I'm with someone who compliments my truth and vise versa.

Just something to think about, for what it's worth. Best of luck.

 

I tried to go about my path and do my normal behaviors. I tried to date. But it doesnt feel genuine. Not the same as how i felt when i was with her. Do i want to try monogamy with her? Sure. But a very small part of me feels stifled with this. A very small part. Maybe 8%?

 

I know we only briefly dated. But the friendship and the foundation, aside from MY issue, was there.

 

I think 8% is a good sign. Especially in light of being independent for so long. And the longer you are on your own, the more difficult it becomes. (I'd be so lucky to feel that 8% and I am in a relationship)

Relationships require you to compromise on things. I think everyone feels somewhat put upon to some degree. But you weigh that against the benefits.

Only you will know, but I don't believe that anyone really knows for sure or 100%.

You just know - well enough.

I hope you find your way.

Maybe 8%?

 

If the for the rest 92% you feel satisfied, dude, consider yourself very lucky. 100% is idealistic and doesn't exist.

Suppose i do want to try. Suppose i do want to reach out. What or when is a good time to drop a hello? I know i cant just drop the "i made a mistake" or "i want to try it out" willy nilly. But the more i think about it the more it makes sense.

A friend of mine siggested to wait a month. Thats when id have my head together. My act together, hopefully. Id have taken my boards. Id have figured out my direction. And id feel more secure about myself.

Would waiting a month be too late? What am i going to say?

An honest read from my point of view, is that you may simply not be ready for a monogamous committed relationship at this point in your life. I don't think it's your 'destiny' to be poly. I think it's more likely that because you do ultimately envision yourself with a wife and kids, you may have been forcing a little bit in the past to be ready when you weren't. And now you've relaxed those expectations on yourself of what you 'should' be doing, and of course that feels good and you would be happier.

Not everyone has relationship preferences that are set in stone. Some people do- hard wired to be naturally monogamous or to be made to have many lovers for all their lives.

Then there are people who move through different styles dependent on where they are in life, or even on whether who of interest is around. I can think of some who are frankly promiscuous when single, but when they do commit, they go all the way as a loyal monogamous partner.

I guess my point is, no need to box yourself into one or the other. Deal with now. Sure you want one and kids 'some day'.

Question is: do you get excited thinking of commiting to Farmer? Why was the answer to her a 'no'?

To me, until you aren't confused, I'd think it would be kinder not to contact her, as she is very clear where she stands.

Suppose i do want to try. Suppose i do want to reach out. What or when is a good time to drop a hello? I know i cant just drop the "i made a mistake" or "i want to try it out" willy nilly. But the more i think about it the more it makes sense.

 

A friend of mine siggested to wait a month. Thats when id have my head together. My act together, hopefully. Id have taken my boards. Id have figured out my direction. And id feel more secure about myself.

 

Would waiting a month be too late? What am i going to say?

Is this woman of an age where planning for a child or children is an immediate concern for her?

Shes 34 and im 38. We both are open to kids in the future.

A friend adviced, that i should wait a month when i pick myself up and am done with my boards. Im pretty successful with my career but recently found myself unemployed. Im burned out. And my friend suggested to wait when ive something to offer, so to speak. I know i should follow their sound advice, but am curious. Should i wait that long?

Shes 34 and im 38. We both are open to kids in the future.

 

A friend adviced, that i should wait a month when i pick myself up and am done with my boards. Im pretty successful with my career but recently found myself unemployed. Im burned out. And my friend suggested to wait when ive something to offer, so to speak. I know i should follow their sound advice, but am curious. Should i wait that long?

It's not about putting a timeline on your private accomplishments, but rather it's about how you feel about continuing your relationship with this woman and investing in what she's plainly stated that she wants. From there, you'll need to learn whether she stated her wants as generalizations, or whether she's willing to pursue those wants with you.

The only way to learn that is to ask her.

Life events will always be happening to us, so plotting our emotional landscape according to a calendar doesn't make much sense. Sure, dating is expensive, so meeting new dates while unemployed doesn't make much sense. But you've already established your connection with this woman.

The only way to learn whether the barrier you raised remains insurmountable for her is to tell her clearly that you've rethought your position on investing in a committed relationship with her, and if she's willing to consider giving you a chance at that, you'd like to meet to discuss it.

Planning to do that only after you've ticked some boxes in the future doesn't make room for the idea that she's moving forward NOW. You'll need to learn whether that train is still open at your station, or not.

Did i do the right thing? How do I make up my mind? I feel we left things on such a good note, I feel this is up to me.

Yes, you absolutely did the right thing.

The only way to make up your mind about the kind of life you want to lead is to explore. Otherwise, you'd just be guessing.

It's not reasonable or kind to keep someone waiting while you figure things out. So, you did the right thing by setting her free even though it means that you may never see each other again.

These are the difficult choices that life presents. Oftentimes, there is no clear cut answer. You just have to make a decision and deal with the consequences. A simple, harsh truth.

Sounds like you two shared something beautiful, something that's really stirred you, and ultimately what more can we ask of a relationship, be it two weeks or 20 years?

 

Are you in therapy? As someone exactly your age, with some similar issues/beliefs that are still coming into focus, I can say it's been a boon. It's helped me accept myself without the judgement, find language to better understand myself, and to fully inhabit parts of myself that have long been murky.

 

Just going back to my long, rambling post. I found, in my current relationship, that what negated that 8% stifling feeling was being able to share it. Not just being able to express it, and have that expression heard with respect, but to genuinely share that POV in life and love. We both have that kind of mentality, which oddly is what's making it so easy to go down the road to being in something committed and monogamous. We have NO IDEA where this is going, and I suspect we'll be celebrating it in just that fashion even if it lasts for years. So instead of feeling like there's some knot I need to untangle before settling down, I just feel like I'm with someone who compliments my truth and vise versa.

 

Just something to think about, for what it's worth. Best of luck.

I've had this same experience. Being able to share these things that feel a bit taboo in relationship-land has actually helped me move through them in a way that is satisfying to me, and to my current partner-in-crime. There is space for honest expression without the fear of judgment...or the fear that someone is going to walk away because it feels challenging. Honestly expressing the most difficult things in a way that is respectful and loaded with kindness and tenderness. I'm discovering that this is one of the most vital aspects of connection for me.

This space of of not-knowing that you've described...it's actually where I prefer to be...and I'm mostly pretty sure (as sure as anyone can be about where another person is at) that she feels the same way. Caveat: it's essential that there is a sense of what Al Turtle calls ''reliable membership'' in place for this to work well. That is, we both know that the other is invested. We both want this. We both have an interest in exploring this path together. We're committed in that sense. While I can acknowledge that I don't always know where we're going, or how it's going to work out, there is comfort in knowing that this membership exists. I can rely on it...which promotes honesty from me. It encourages me to share difficult things that in other relationships I may have shied away from in fear of doing some sort of damage. So, now...I recognize that it's more damaging not to share these things. And, attempting to deny that they're there in me would be equally damaging.

Patience...with ourselves and others.

Just going back to my long, rambling post. I found, in my current relationship, that what negated that 8% stifling feeling was being able to share it. Not just being able to express it, and have that expression heard with respect, but to genuinely share that POV in life and love. We both have that kind of mentality, which oddly is what's making it so easy to go down the road to being in something committed and monogamous.

I agree wholeheartedly; sharing your experiences, being able to express yourself, and being heard and respected are absolutely crucial to a good relationship.

I agree wholeheartedly; sharing your experiences, being able to express yourself, and being heard and respected are absolutely crucial to a good relationship.

And thats what we had. We were, for a short amount of time, pretty good towards each other. I realize that, this heart break and grief should be brief given our courtship, but i think my issues stem more from our differences and what im willing to do to continue that. I feel as if, we could have had a longer time together if only i was willing to commit or provide some willingness to compromise. I told my friend, that in the short amount of time together, i built enough "credit" that, hopefully when i decide to revisit our relationship she'd be more willing to try it out due to how good we ended things instead of ending it "poorly".

Im sure no one knows exactly, but i dont know when and how "im supposed to know" if its time. I do feel excited thinking of being with her. And not just in a sexual way. I liked our dynamics when we were together e.g. im at the museum with a friend today and all i can think of is how much fun me and Farmer would have spending a lovely sunday at the museum together.

And thats what we had. We were, for a short amount of time, pretty good towards each other. I realize that, this heart break and grief should be brief given our courtship, but i think my issues stem more from our differences and what im willing to do to continue that. I feel as if, we could have had a longer time together if only i was willing to commit or provide some willingness to compromise. I told my friend, that in the short amount of time together, i built enough "credit" that, hopefully when i decide to revisit our relationship she'd be more willing to try it out due to how good we ended things instead of ending it "poorly".

 

Im sure no one knows exactly, but i dont know when and how "im supposed to know" if its time. I do feel excited thinking of being with her. And not just in a sexual way. I liked our dynamics when we were together e.g. im at the museum with a friend today and all i can think of is how much fun me and Farmer would have spending a lovely sunday at the museum together.

It's pretty cool that the two of you were able to go your separate ways like this. I think it's what healthy adults do. They discuss things, and make decisions from a place of relative calmness. Doesn't mean it's easy...but there's a foundation of respect that makes the whole thing softer somehow.

How often do we hear about someone who was strung along because the other was afraid of being completely honest? Too often. So...it's cool that you were able to express what you needed to her without it being catastrophically upsetting for either of you. You had your needs...she had hers. Those needs didn't intersect at that moment in time.

Be interesting to hear what happens...how this plays out for you. Part of the joy of life is the not knowing. If we knew it all, I suspect the whole thing would be quite dull and lacklustre. You get to figure it out in your own way, on your own terms. And if you're lucky, you'll get to share that with someone else whose values align with yours.

Thats the thing. Breaking up for obvious reasons such as fighting, cheating and incompatibility makes leaving someone more definitive. Why would you stick around for that? But i honestly think there's more to it than just our life choices. I ultimately want a monogsmous relationship. Im just at a crossroads right now. But given my other extentuating circumstances such as my employment and my career, its added on to the difficulty of making a decision as to what i want or need to do. I find our values and sense of humor and coping skills and our love language to be very similar. Im very attracted to her and being with other people, makes them (other people) less interesting. I want her and her company.

My friends said to wait a month. After the 15th of october. Thats when i get to take my livensure boards. Until then they told me to hunker down and focus on my life. What do i have to offer until then? She doesnt fit the person of whom would be interested in riches or galore. She just wants something stable. At this time, im not. But that doesnt mean to say im not twisting myself into knots and hitting myself for letting her go. I can so easily text her.

What made you (whomever is reading this) decide to jump and go into the unknown?