Monalissa Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 Hi everyone. I’m new to the forum. I’m just trying to see if I’m over reacting. I have a surgery tomorrow and will require me to be admitted for 3 days. My boyfriend just got his dream job and is in an intense training program requiring him to train/take classes mon-Friday from 7-5pm. They also have tests and homework everyday. Anyway, I understand he lacks sleep right now, he’s been preparing for this training by studying the last 2 month and if they fail the training, it will stay in their license record and will be let go by the company. Also, he’s an hour away from me. He told me he’d wanna visit me BUT he’s busy and needs more studying this weekend and sleeping in. I’m very hurt and upset by this but managed to not say anything as I feel like I need to be more understanding. Should I let this go and just support him, or does his behavior means he just doesn’t care about me? We’ve been together for few months now but known each other for 4 years. Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 Flip side - do you care about him if you’re willing to risk his career? Link to comment
Pleasedonot5 Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 Is it a life-threatening surgery? Is it serious or something like wisdom teeth? It would be a romantic / nice gesture for him to visit you, but it looks like it would be very difficult for him to do that right now. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 My boyfriend just got his dream job and is in an intense training program requiring him to train/take classes mon-Friday from 7-5pm. They also have tests and homework everyday. he’s been preparing for this training by studying the last 2 month and if they fail the training, it will stay in their license record and will be let go by the company. Also, he’s an hour away from me.. Speaking for myself only, if this was the situation with my boyfriend of 4 years, I wouldn't want him risking or jeopardising his new job just because I am going to have surgery. I'm a big girl, I can cope. I can deal with it. In fact, I would stress to him to NOT come and visit and focus on his job, but that's just me. To me, it's not a big deal. Link to comment
j.man Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 Is it life threatening? When I was in the hospital with collapsed lung, my wife was in the last months of her residency. I had absolutely zero desire to have her go out of her way to visit me during that stressful period leading into her career just because I might suffer some boredom in the hospital bed. Now, yes, she was with me when I was admitted as I was a complete idiot, pushing it off until I was nearly incapacitated, but I know a whole lot of people like to throw the fact they're "in the hospital" around like it's all one level scenario. It's difficult to just assume your situation is comparable to someone who's in danger and suffering rather than, as I mentioned before, dreading being stuck watching HGTV marathons in bed for a few days. If you've got some heavy potential for severe complications, we might be talking a situation I could more easily sympathize with. Otherwise, let him focus on this big career move while you focus on your recovery. And, regardless of how long you've been acquainted for one another, I really don't see why he should put his dream job on the line for someone he's only been with a few months. Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 I think.... wait and see what he does. What kind of surgery is this? Even if he can't be there, it would be nice if he would send you flowers or some other kind of get-well greeting, or come visit you at home and take care of you a bit when you are recovering at home. If he doesn't do anything, I would probably think that he's just a selfish kind of guy. I get that he might not have the time to visit you daily now.... but I also would expect a serious boyfriend to do *something* for you when you are sick. If he doesn't, I'd probably continue looking for other guys to date, ones that are not as selfish. Link to comment
maew Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 Hi everyone. I’m new to the forum. I’m just trying to see if I’m over reacting. I have a surgery tomorrow and will require me to be admitted for 3 days. My boyfriend just got his dream job and is in an intense training program requiring him to train/take classes mon-Friday from 7-5pm. They also have tests and homework everyday. Anyway, I understand he lacks sleep right now, he’s been preparing for this training by studying the last 2 month and if they fail the training, it will stay in their license record and will be let go by the company. Also, he’s an hour away from me. He told me he’d wanna visit me BUT he’s busy and needs more studying this weekend and sleeping in. I’m very hurt and upset by this but managed to not say anything as I feel like I need to be more understanding. Should I let this go and just support him, or does his behavior means he just doesn’t care about me? We’ve been together for few months now but known each other for 4 years. It's hard to say whether he cares or not... this is your first post and the only context we have. My objective opinion is that it doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, rather he is very anxious about making sure he does well for this week of exams. If my BF had done everything up till that point to show he was a caring loving and kind person I would let it go. If you were to support him in this it would go a very long way to creating a trust with him which is a solid foundation for any relationship. Link to comment
Monalissa Posted September 13, 2018 Author Share Posted September 13, 2018 Ok, thank you. It’s an abdominal surgery. I’m going to be out off work for the next 2 months to recover and he said he won’t be able to visit me those months too and it’s just making me sad not to see him. I do understand him that’s why I didn’t say anything to him. He just told me right now on Sunday he will just not study and just relax and play video games the whole day. I’ll try my best and be patient. Link to comment
Honeycomb8 Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 His career and doing well is important. Try to be a bit more understanding. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 Well, good for you for not making him feel guilty for having such a full schedule. I'm sure he loves and respects you for that. There isn't much he can do for you while you're in there so let it go, heal and hopefully he passes his exams and you recovery nicely and you both get your dating and enjoying each other's company back to normal soon. Good luck with your surgery. Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 Ok, thank you. It’s an abdominal surgery. I’m going to be out off work for the next 2 months to recover and he said he won’t be able to visit me those months too and it’s just making me sad not to see him. I do understand him that’s why I didn’t say anything to him. He just told me right now on Sunday he will just not study and just relax and play video games the whole day. I’ll try my best and be patient. He won't be able to visit you for 2 months straight, but he does have time on Sunday to play video games all day??? I think you need to find a new bf because this guy doesn't care. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 Oh geeze, I was posting when Op said that about Sunday and the video games... Ya, I'd be re-evaluating just how much I could value someone who clearly was not putting too much value in me. Sorry if I missed it but are you two long distance? Link to comment
j.man Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 You know, I don't know. Being honest, if I'd only been dating a woman a few months, I'm asserting both my career / training time as well as my winding down time. That very well might include video games. Sacrificing either comes when we're at a level of commitment and joint responsibilities to justify it. Yeah, it might sound callous that he'll be playing video games that day (why he thought that would be something he should say regardless of it being true is well beyond me), but under the circumstances, I can't say I think the guy's a Disney villain for it. As it stands, I'd say one of two things. Either accept this is ****ty timing given his work and training load for his dream job and your surgery recovery, or let him and yourself go sooner than later if you think you're gonna end up resenting him for it. Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 I think it's fine if he's really focusing on his career and really wants to make sure that he passes these exams and has some down time to breathe and have fun (rest and play video games). I think that's fine, but then I'd say that he doesn't have the time and energy to be a boyfriend to an ill woman who is 1 hour away. If he's that busy, I'd let him go. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 Apparently he's clearly demonstrated what he's all about, therefore I wouldn't think twice about kicking him to the curb. You deserve better... Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 "Disney Villain" lol. Okay so he's an hour away. One hour to drive to hospital, one hour spend with the Op, one hour to drive back home and at least 8 hours on his own sitting on his arse playing video games. He could make the effort considering he won't be seeing her for the next two months. pfft. Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 Well at first I thought you were really over reacting and being foolish but when I read he plans to spend Sunday playing video games, I changed my mind. If he cant put the controller down long enough to visit you for an hour, then you need to kick his ass to the curb. Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 Could not his "winding down" time include a nice relaxing drive listening to some great tunes for an hour and spending some quiet time with his girlfriend who is recovering from surgery? Instead of sitting on his arse playing video games all day? For two months? I’m sorry I am not a demanding person but I would find that unacceptable; that might actually be a deal breaker for me. On second thought, it would be a deal breaker for me. Him not being able to visit you in the hospital due to intense training, I would understand that. Link to comment
Jibralta Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 I’m going to be out off work for the next 2 months to recover and he said he won’t be able to visit me those months too and it’s just making me sad not to see him. He can't spare four hours in two months? That's a little off to me. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted September 14, 2018 Share Posted September 14, 2018 Could not his "winding down" time include a nice relaxing drive listening to some great tunes for an hour Good suggestion... doing that is my favorite way to wind down without feeling guilty for doing nothing. Link to comment
Monalissa Posted September 14, 2018 Author Share Posted September 14, 2018 Yes, unfortunately I do feel he’s too busy. I support him with everything he does, go to him sometimes after work just to see him even if I have to sit in long traffic then drive back home. To be fair, he’s done that for me too. I’m going to just focus on myself and my recovery. I’ll support him and his dreams even if in the end, we’ll not be together. I just want him to reach his goals. Thank you everyone!!! I’ll try not to stress too much now and just be healthy Link to comment
bluecastle Posted September 14, 2018 Share Posted September 14, 2018 Yeah, I'm sorry but the video game thing really doesn't sit well with me. You've known each other for years, have been romantic for a few months, and as busy as he is he actually has a day off where he can visit but lets you know that he will play video games "all day." Not the coolest. He's busy, he's stressed, I get it. But life sometimes throws you moments that mean putting off the ideal decompression choice for the one that serves you best long term. It would likely be a dealbreaker for me, but only you know how you feel. If this is the first seed of resentment, and you can already feel it, it's best to address it than play "cool" with something you're not cool with. Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted September 14, 2018 Share Posted September 14, 2018 [Deleted] mona, yes focus on your surgery and your recovery. I hope it goes well and that you recover quickly. Take care. Link to comment
SherrySher Posted September 14, 2018 Share Posted September 14, 2018 It doesn't sound like you're on the same page as each other. He definitely doesn't sound like he's ready for a serious relationship or the commitment you are hoping for. If he wants to relax on Sunday after a grueling week, so be it, but it should show you where your place is in his life. If you want a more committed partner, you will have to look elsewhere. I hope your surgery goes well and speedy healing. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted September 14, 2018 Share Posted September 14, 2018 When video games become more important it's time to be done. Lose him. Link to comment
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