The only real thing ive ever had

I messed up.

I have with the only person ever in my life to care about me for me, for the past 2 years. We have had a rocky relationship however, there were plent of good moments together. We also adotped a dog togehter about a year in (he is like both our child). She moved in with me almost instantly and we rent a house, along with my father.

I have issues with drinking and smoking weed. I have not been there for her sexually like i should have been for a good while of the relationship, and admidlty could have been more affectionate.

We had a 4 day seperation about 4 months ago because i couldnt get a handle on my drinking (as in doing it too much) . I told her how much a sober life with her ment to me (although i was still smoking and this never botherd her) and i got myself clean from drinking without AA like she though i would need, for 3 months. She turned 21 (im 27) and we mutually agreed on her birthday vacation if we go out to eat or wanna have a night out thats fine, drinking could be something we shared, since she couldnt enjoy bars with me before.

Things were looking good for us, i got into model building as a healty way not to drink. But like drinking, that hobby also kinda consumed me and i wasnt there for her, because i was so fixed on myself and staying away from drinking, to make us both happy. And i was. But from lack of attention, she wasnt. I was still smoking weed at this point.

Another huge issuse is moving out. My whole soul hungers to be able to settle down with her and my dog, and she wanted to move out too, but the issue was my father and where he would go, so i couldnt pull the trigger. This made so much tension.

She broken up with me 3 days ago. The final straw was that i told her id take her out later that night, got caught up in some stuff, went back to her too late to go out, but still wanted to hang and spend time at home (albe it was late). She was pissed though, i just genuenlly didnt know how much that dinner ment to her and i 100% honest lost track of time.

Next morning she sat me down and said she doesnt love me anymore and wants to leave. And it was just a bit to early before i could find the right balance between giving her attention and getting away from substances.

Now, i need to show her i mean buisness. Part of why i wasnt showing her attention or sexual attention was simple i got rid of beer but i was alwayssss high and lazy. I was scared of that being taken away. So childish.

Currently (3 days into breakup) my life goal is to show her how sorry i am for not being there like she was for me. Im currently doing the following -

- i stopped smoking overnight

- made a savings jar to put all my saved weed money into a fund for us to move into an appartment

- have sex at least every other night (how can i show her this change will happen?)

- start lifting weights (she always said she likes big arms)

- and most important accept i do not want her back for me, i want to give her what she deserved by beliving in me for so long. I really let her down without even realizing because im always high...

I dont even want her back right away. I dont want to hurt her or make her feel perssured. I just want her to give it some time, see how high i climb this obsticle, and re-evaluate.

But i fear that ship has sailed once already. I really need advice. Ive been doing the no contact rule for 2 days now, but i dont know if its proper for my situation.

And to anyone who read this whole thing, thank you.

Sorry to hear this. Did she move out?

Yes she did, she moved out all her small things, and am currently waiting for the text she wants to get the rest. I would have expected she did already, but its been very rainy and she needs to borrow a certian car

You should seek AA to deal with this. There is a reason you drink and you should not be doing this alone. You also need to drop the weed. It is a drug.

You need to deal with your addiction, as you can see you are incapable of giving to others (addicts are selfish). Get yourself clean for at least a year, then consider a relationship. I'm surprised she stuck around. Probably, due to age.

Why can't your father support himself

Ive already quit both, i have a whole case of beer in my fridge since she ended it, and i havent even looked at it. No desire. And if i ever needed my fix as an addict, its been these last 3 days. I stopped smoking and litterlay “shatterd” all my bongs, and sold all my weed to add to my family move out fund.

The way you speak seems to make it sound hopeless to rekindle? And my father would be forced to move into his mothers house. My parrents got devorced a while back and it shatterd him.

You should be doing this for you, not her.

I don't think you are serious, or you would have also stopped the weed early on, and sought a support group.

Where is she staying? Did she move back with her family? She did you a favor with this wake up call. Do not change to get her back. Change because your life isn't going where you want it to.

she moved out all her small things, and am currently waiting for the text she wants to get the rest.

Your father is an adult and should not be dependent on you.

You should have gotten rid of the beer.

Once again. If you are serious you will get into a 12 step to deal with your addiction.

Do you have a job? Does your father?

She is staying at her home. She does not like it there, her mother is a bad alacaholic and the mothers boyfriend is a jerk. Thats why she was so quick to move in with me at first, aside from the “honeymoon” love phase.

And i am doing this for myself, im fully aware its a change i need reguardless, but that doesnt subtract the need to just do right by her. She deserves it truly i was not there for her when she was for me.

We both are have jobs yes. And i totally know that about him, but at one point, when someones down, even if they are an adult, they may still need help, and if you care about them, i really feel age/responsibility shouldnt matter, just love and caring

Why won't you seek help to understand your disease?

She went from one alcoholic household to another. She could use Al Anon.

Then he should seek counselling

A lot of addiction and co dependence in both homes. Unhealthy!

I went to 1 AA meeting with her and it just wasnt for me, and i found the power to do it on my own.

I just really need help in not “getting her back” but just showing her what it could be like if she knew me for ME. Not me trying to get high or my fix all the time. She should have been the drug i choose, not some dumb plant or poision liquid.

I think it is great that you are trying to do it on your own, but there are 3 things that stand out:

Doing this on your own . It is a disease and there is an underlying issue that you're are fearing to tackle, which makes a return likely. Why did you not like the group?

Not stopping the weed with the beer.

The most important: doing it for her. Bad reason.

I hope I am wrong

Hey holly, im not sure if i didnt explain well, but i have been off substances for a total of around 3 days now, and i have done this in the past and know i can handle it.

And im saying im not doing it for her, unless you consider me wanting to give her what i know she wants and deserves. I feel massive guilt. Like she hung in there with me like a trooper and i didnt catch the signs because i was blind.

I know wholehearteldy what she needs to be happy and i know with 100% certainy that i can provide it, happily. It was just never going to happen when i was always high and didnt realize that was the issuse because it was just a normal daily thing.

I wish you much success in kicking this?

I have to ask, if you quit before, what brought you back?

Does anyone think showing her that orignal post i wrote could help? I feel like reading that might make her see where im really coming from, thoughts??

You should seek AA to deal with this. There is a reason you drink and you should not be doing this alone. You also need to drop the weed. It is a drug.

 

You need to deal with your addiction, as you can see you are incapable of giving to others (addicts are selfish). Get yourself clean for at least a year, then consider a relationship. I'm surprised she stuck around. Probably, due to age.

 

Why can't your father support himself

I wish you much success in kicking this?

 

I have to ask, if you quit before, what brought you back?

I used to come home and drink a 6 pack + almost daily, and the idea was now that shes 21 we can make it about us going out and having a good time rather them me getting drunk at home. And it worked, but the other issues still stayed.

No. As I said before, this should be about you. You will show her with actions - not 3 day, and not 3 months - you need to show her 6 months to one year sobriety.

You are doing this for the wrong reason, dude.

I used to come home and drink a 6 pack + almost daily, and the idea was now that shes 21 we can make it about us going out and having a good time rather them me getting drunk at home. And it worked, but the other issues still stayed.

I don't see anywhere where you had stopped drinking. And, if you had you went back to it again.

You're an addict

Sorry you're going through this.

It's common that the loss of someone becomes something of a wakeup call, as this sounds like for you. And that's great. We can get complacent in relationships, failing to meet our highest expectations of ourselves, and the loss triggers some needed introspection that fosters change, growth, personal evolution.

But here's the thing: it's a process, and not one that occurs over a few days. Right now you're reeling, spinning hard, wanting to change every single thing in order to win her back. I'm not saying that's not your heart at play, that you're not acting out of love, but you're also acting out of pain, discomfort, and the inevitable jolt to the ego that occurs when someone leaves us. There's a void, and you want to fill it, and the obvious place to look is toward the person you just lost. It's important to recognize that.

From your thread it's clear that you're doing this for her as much as for yourself. You want her to see this thread, your post, see that you've gone three days without and drinking, and come back to you. That's normal. But what you need to do right now is respect her choice, her feelings, and give her space to inhabit her choice and feel what she needs to feel. So hold this space you're in, keep working, let these three days become a week become a month, and so on.

I know that's not what you want to hear, but the only way back together is to first accept the break, to really feel it, and to evolve and grow out of it.

And whether AA is for you or not, I would take this moment to explore your addictive tendencies and how to control them in a way that leaves space for others. What you mentioned about the model building stood out, in that you approached that with the same kind of zealousness. Leaves me to wonder if you're not doing a bit of the same right now in approaching NOT drinking with the same kind of ferocity. That's rarely sustainable without a deeper understanding of what's going on under the hood.

If you reach out right away, no matter you're intentions, she's likely to think you're just going into overdrive because you're reeling. Everything that feels so sincere to you may strike her as inauthentic, actions you're taking only because you've lost her, and of course she'd be right.

Sorry you're going through this.

 

It's common that the loss of someone becomes something of a wakeup call, as this sounds like for you. And that's great. We can get complacent in relationships, failing to meet our highest expectations of ourselves, and the loss triggers some needed introspection that fosters change, growth, personal evolution.

 

But here's the thing: it's a process, and not one that occurs over a few days. Right now you're reeling, spinning hard, wanting to change every single thing in order to win her back. I'm not saying that's not your heart at play, that you're not acting out of love, but you're also acting out of pain, discomfort, and the inevitable jolt to the ego that occurs when someone leaves us. There's a void, and you want to fill it, and the obvious place to look is toward the person you just lost. It's important to recognize that.

 

From your thread it's clear that you're doing this for her as much as for yourself. You want her to see this thread, your post, see that you've gone three days without and drinking, and come back to you. That's normal. But what you need to do right now is respect her choice, her feelings, and give her space to inhabit her choice and feel what she needs to feel. So hold this space you're in, keep working, let these three days become a week become a month, and so on.

 

I know that's not what you want to hear, but the only way back together is to first accept the break, to really feel it, and to evolve and grow out of it.

 

And whether AA is for you or not, I would take this moment to explore your addictive tendencies and how to control them in a way that leaves space for others. What you mentioned about the model building stood out, in that you approached that with the same kind of zealousness. Leaves me to wonder if you're not doing a bit of the same right now in approaching NOT drinking with the same kind of ferocity. That's rarely sustainable without a deeper understanding of what's going on under the hood.

 

If you reach out right away, no matter you're intentions, she's likely to think you're just going into overdrive because you're reeling. Everything that feels so sincere to you may strike her as inauthentic, actions you're taking only because you've lost her, and of course she'd be right.

Bluecastle that was one of the best things ive read so far. Honestly thank you. At least hearing someone else say that im not trying to get her back just for myself feels good, because i 100% belive it to be true.

Do you really think the no contact rule is best here? You shortly touched on it and from what i gather, yes? She said she still wants to be friends when we broke up, but she also didnt think its a good idea to talk for a few days first, so do you think in doing what she said, would really make her miss me more?

Content with myself because subconsciously these were small bits of thinking i did along our relationship, but always being high out of my mind didnt let me act on them, i just knew what was wrong and didnt care to fix it.

Like i said she wants to be friends. I have good faith i could call her at any time and just say, “hey i feel like ive done some deep thinking over this break, i have something i really need to show you.” And i think she would come over, maybe with a bit of convincing but i really feel she would.

That will be my time to strike with showing her, not telling her (ive deffinatly learned words mean NOTHING) that i am capable of change because i know i need it.

It would be an impressive pile of cash so we can get a move on, id be a bit more buff, and sober, and totally down to being to start talking about a apparetment of our own, only if she would still like to, slowly.

Id like to tell her, i dont want you back, but i want you around as a friend to really reevalueate me. Then, just see how you feel, and ill accept your outcome.

But i need that chance, dammit, then i can start to feel okay with her leaving me (yes there is a hint of selfishness here), because i am not the male or life partner she seeks.

Also i feel i didnt adress a few good points you made, i like the mention of finding a way to curb my addiction with things that arent for me alone. Well ill also mention i have no friends, really 0. No one to come hang with me or talk about this just alone with my unending mind (see what i did there).

Thats where my addiction comes from simple and clear, ive never had friends, or a best friend or any of that, for a very, very long time. And trust me, ive been trying to meet new people. Im not shy, maybe i just have higher demands for friendship.

But back on topic, it can be as simple as me and her just do something positive if feel like drinking, and if she isnt around or sleeping, then i can do my alone stuff. But im not even worried about the relapse or not being able to hold it under my belt. I just went through this for 3 months and only stopped because when she turned 21, it opened the door of things for us to do together. (Mistake). And even when i did drink again here and there, it was a fraction of what i used to consume. Im very confidant in the substance issues.