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Should I be concerned or am I being a little sensitive...


Sweet Sue

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I having been in a new relationship for the last few months. He is a wonderful man who is very kind, gentle, patient and a little shy.

We have decided to take our relationship to a new level and he has expressed a desire to marry me one day.

This is why I am writing. He asked me where I go to get my manicures. I told him the name of the salon and he told me that his sister in law

works there. I told him that I knew her quite well and that she has done a few of my manicures. This salon is not small, but has probable over 100-150

customers.

While I was getting a pedicure, my new boyfriend's sister in law came up to me and said, are you Sue? I said, hi Laurie, what do you mean, am I Sue...lol?

She said, well "Andy", my new boyfriend, told me he was dating, "A Sue that comes to this salon." I replied, "yes, I am dating "Andy"., and we have been

dating for just over 2 months.

Well, I saw "Andy" that evening and I told him I saw his sister-in-law today and that she came up to me and asked me if I was the "Sue" that he mentioned.

She added that she had to try and figure out what "Sue" he could be referring to as they have several "Sue's" that go to their salon, and she couldn't figure

out who it was, so when she saw me, decided to see if it was me. Then I asked him why he didn't just tell her it was me and give her my last name, for she

would known immediately who he was referring to. In my mind, I wonder why such secrecy?

His reply was, "because I am a private person and she doesn't need to know my business." Then, I asked, "if you are such a private person, why mention me at all?"

There was no reply.

 

Am I being overly sensitive? Is this normal for a man in love to be so evasive, but maybe not so for a person who is very private.

Your thoughts and viewpoints are appreciated.

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Yeah, you're overthinking things. You're going to have to come up with more examples than this. I mean, put yourself in your boyfriend's situation and make believe you're talking to your sister. "Oh, yeah, I'm dating a Sue that comes to your salon." The sister says, "Oh, yeah?" And then she goes home and thinks about it and wonders which Sue it is, so she asked you if you are the one dating her brother. All this is perfectly reasonable. Was he suppose to say, "Oh, yeah, I'm dating Sue Smith who lives at 123 Main Street in Anytown, USA. She's a Democrat and she likes chicken dinners."? I mean, come on.

 

What I'm worried about is that he's talking about marriage after only two months. That seems a bit quick and people on ENA will tell you that's problematic. People who do this could be extremely needy or clingy, or emotionally dependent. You might want to look for other red flags rather than why he didn't tell his sister all of your contact information.

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I am a little surprised you would question her as you did -she was at work and being polite, trying to make sure that you were the right person. It's your boyfriend's perogative to give your last name and I just think your expectations are a bit unrealistic for a woman at a nail salon with all those customers to greet you by last name - I'd be surprised if she remembered your last name even had he told her.

 

Please focus on the good and decent intentions he had and she had.

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I'm not even sure why this has bothered you so much that you needed to start a thread about it. What is it that you are worried about when there is nothing to worry about in what you've posted????

 

... and yes, I agree that the fact he talked about marrying you at the two month mark is the red flag in this situation.

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Ok..........maybe I am. I wanted to know your thoughts. Laurie and I have known each other for 10 years, so she does know me very well and does know my last name.

We do have different personalities. I am more extroverted than he is. He is more introverted and private. Neither is wrong. I have introduced him to all of my family members.

He lives about 25 miles from me and has 3 grown children that live at home. I still have not met anyone from his family or been invited to his home. I know he is divorced, according to Laurie and is looking to marry again. I don't know, this is a first for me. He's can be very secretive at times.

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Ok..........maybe I am. I wanted to know your thoughts. Laurie and I have known each other for 10 years, so she does know me very well and does know my last name.

We do have different personalities. I am more extroverted than he is. He is more introverted and private. Neither is wrong. I have introduced him to all of my family members.

He lives about 25 miles from me and has 3 grown children that live at home. I still have not met anyone from his family or been invited to his home. I know he is divorced, according to Laurie and is looking to marry again. I don't know, this is a first for me. He's can be very secretive at times.

 

I think you're getting in your own way. Laurie wanted to make sure you were the Sue Andy had referred to. She just handled it a bit awkwardly and so did you. I would not chat with Laurie about your boyfriend behind his back - you're putting her in an awkward position that way. If she speaks of him just tell her that you'd rather not given the relationship.

 

It sounds like you don't trust this guy and you chose this "issue" instead of dealing with the real trust issues.

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Ok..........maybe I am. I wanted to know your thoughts. Laurie and I have known each other for 10 years, so she does know me very well and does know my last name.

We do have different personalities. I am more extroverted than he is. He is more introverted and private. Neither is wrong. I have introduced him to all of my family members.

He lives about 25 miles from me and has 3 grown children that live at home. I still have not met anyone from his family or been invited to his home. I know he is divorced, according to Laurie and is looking to marry again. I don't know, this is a first for me. He's can be very secretive at times.

 

Sounds like he is lonely and wants a wife.

 

Why are his adult children living at home? What do you mean by secretive?

 

Red flags.

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Okay, re-read.

 

HIS sister in law. He is no doubt proud of you. He wanted to make you known and he wanted to show you off, so to speak.

He must really like you and have high hopes for things to work out.

 

If you feel the same way for him, then things will work well. It sounds like he is very happy to have you in his life and wants others to know.

 

And also, he probably didn't give your last name because he wasn't sure if he was overstepping but he was still happy to mention you.

 

As for being secretive, I know lots of people who are like that. There is no threats there, they are just cautious. That's different than deviant.

 

I actually find it really sweet what he did...like a school boy with a crush.

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How long have you been dating? Is this salon employee is his exwife's sister or his brother's wife? He is smart to not rush things and bring every new women around his kids until he feels it's going somewhere. He may be "looking to remarry" but he doesn't know you well enough to imply that that is you.

He lives about 25 miles from me and has 3 grown children that live at home. I still have not met anyone from his family or been invited to his home.

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Now, a couple more things happening that I would like to hear your opinion about.

Most of us can identify rather easily red flags in a relationship. Some of you are concerned that he is moving to fast since he is talking marriage a a few months.

These are a few examples of things that have given me pause:

For two days (during a weekend) he sent me a message through facebook telling me that we would have to talk via fb since his phone wasn't taking a charge. (that

message was sent on a Sat, 3:45pm,) then another fb message came to me at 9:30pm stating, "do you still want me to drive you to Atlanta next week?" I replied, "yes,

that would be great!" No response from him until the next day, Sunday night at once again 9:30, this message only said," departure time?" I immediately replied

with an answer and quick question. No response. Finally, Monday afternoon, at 4:00 he sends his last fb message stating, " my phone will now take a charge."

Now this is a man who has repeatedly told me how important it is to have a working phone since he is in constant contact with his children and has an elderly parent that

he needs to stay in touch with, and doesn't even own a computer. I don't know about you, but if my phone isn't taking a charge, I am not waiting 2 days to get to my

cell phone carrier to see what the problem is, especially if I need if for family members to contact me. But that's just me...

Then, about 2 weeks ago, it was around 10:00 at night, while we were watching a movie on cd, he announces to me that he needs to go to his car to check his phone message from one of his sons to reread the message to see if he read it correctly and he would be right back. This is the first time I noticed that he didn't bring is phone in the house like always. Then, he leaves to go home just one hour later. I wondered what was so important that he had to read at 10 that couldn't wait for one more hour?

One more thing, he takes frequent recreational trips out of town to ride his bike and hike. At the same time, he stated in the beginning of the relationship that since he hikes and bikes in remote area of the state parks, he would let me know or let both me and one of his three kids know where he is in case of emergency. He also asked me if I liked bike riding and hiking. I told him I didn't own a bike, but I do like to ride bikes and take hikes, but not long ones.

Well, he has takes 2 or 3 trips so far and I am never informed about it until he returns back home to his house around 10:30pm.

As close a I assume we are, I kind of wonder why, I am not invited, even though I don't own a bike but would enjoy a nice hike and spending a nice day in the park with him.

I don't know whether to mention any of the above things I have mentioned here on this thread and maybe you might have a different perspective than I do, I am just feeling that there is something fishy going on, and while I have no proof of anything, my gut tells me different.

Your thoughts please.

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My thoughts are that if you are engaging in this kind of analysis and feeling this kind of concern and anxiety so early - such that you would question your friend at the salon when she was trying to be friendly and nice then he is not the person for you and stop wasting your time. I also have a concern with all I've read that you may not be in a place to trust sufficiently even to get to know someone - meaning I don't think people need to open their hearts and be trusting and vulnerable -I mean that amount of trust to let someone get to know you in any real way at a reasonable pace over time. Like, you didn't even trust that Laurie had good intentions in approaching you - that's concerning.

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Batya33

Not at all. I have known Laurie for 10 years, that's 10 years and we have a great relationship. She occasionally does my manicure and pedicures. I may not have mentioned that

"Andy" dropped by when I was getting my nails done and handed her a bag of peanuts. Now, I didn't see him because my back was facing another direction and he told me

later that he didn't see me. The girl working on my nails, also knows "Andy" as she is a photographer on the side and has taken family pictures. Then Laurie walked over to me

and asked me if I was the Susan that "Andy was dating", I told her I was and she laughed and said, "well, I didn't know you were THAT Susan, he wasn't very specific" and we both just kind of laughed it off. Laurie is a friend and I believe her intentions were very good. It's the other matters I mentioned above posted this morning that have me wondering...hmmmm is that something I should be concerned about?

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How long have you been dating? Are you exclusive? Have you had that conversation? Where was he sending the fb messages from?

 

Why are you inviting him for netflix and chill dates at your place if you don't know whether you are exclusive and haven't been invited to his place?

 

All you can do is pull way back and not assume you're his next wife or that salon gossip has any merit.

he sent me a message through facebook telling me that we would have to talk via fb since his phone wasn't taking a charge. doesn't even own a computer. we were watching a movie on cd, he announces to me that he needs to go to his car to check his phone message. he leaves to go home just one hour later

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Batya33

Not at all. I have known Laurie for 10 years, that's 10 years and we have a great relationship. She occasionally does my manicure and pedicures. I may not have mentioned that

"Andy" dropped by when I was getting my nails done and handed her a bag of peanuts. Now, I didn't see him because my back was facing another direction and he told me

later that he didn't see me. The girl working on my nails, also knows "Andy" as she is a photographer on the side and has taken family pictures. Then Laurie walked over to me

and asked me if I was the Susan that "Andy was dating", I told her I was and she laughed and said, "well, I didn't know you were THAT Susan, he wasn't very specific" and we both just kind of laughed it off. Laurie is a friend and I believe her intentions were very good. It's the other matters I mentioned above posted this morning that have me wondering...hmmmm is that something I should be concerned about?

 

That is not at all how you described it in your first post as far as your interaction with Laurie. I think you should be concerned that after only two months of dating you have this many concerns about this person. I wrote that above.

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Now, a couple more things happening that I would like to hear your opinion about.

Most of us can identify rather easily red flags in a relationship. Some of you are concerned that he is moving to fast since he is talking marriage a a few months.

These are a few examples of things that have given me pause:

For two days (during a weekend) he sent me a message through facebook telling me that we would have to talk via fb since his phone wasn't taking a charge. (that

message was sent on a Sat, 3:45pm,) then another fb message came to me at 9:30pm stating, "do you still want me to drive you to Atlanta next week?" I replied, "yes,

that would be great!" No response from him until the next day, Sunday night at once again 9:30, this message only said," departure time?" I immediately replied

with an answer and quick question. No response. Finally, Monday afternoon, at 4:00 he sends his last fb message stating, " my phone will now take a charge."

Now this is a man who has repeatedly told me how important it is to have a working phone since he is in constant contact with his children and has an elderly parent that

he needs to stay in touch with, and doesn't even own a computer. I don't know about you, but if my phone isn't taking a charge, I am not waiting 2 days to get to my

cell phone carrier to see what the problem is, especially if I need if for family members to contact me. But that's just me...

Then, about 2 weeks ago, it was around 10:00 at night, while we were watching a movie on cd, he announces to me that he needs to go to his car to check his phone message from one of his sons to reread the message to see if he read it correctly and he would be right back. This is the first time I noticed that he didn't bring is phone in the house like always. Then, he leaves to go home just one hour later. I wondered what was so important that he had to read at 10 that couldn't wait for one more hour?

One more thing, he takes frequent recreational trips out of town to ride his bike and hike. At the same time, he stated in the beginning of the relationship that since he hikes and bikes in remote area of the state parks, he would let me know or let both me and one of his three kids know where he is in case of emergency. He also asked me if I liked bike riding and hiking. I told him I didn't own a bike, but I do like to ride bikes and take hikes, but not long ones.

Well, he has takes 2 or 3 trips so far and I am never informed about it until he returns back home to his house around 10:30pm.

As close a I assume we are, I kind of wonder why, I am not invited, even though I don't own a bike but would enjoy a nice hike and spending a nice day in the park with him.

I don't know whether to mention any of the above things I have mentioned here on this thread and maybe you might have a different perspective than I do, I am just feeling that there is something fishy going on, and while I have no proof of anything, my gut tells me different.

Your thoughts please.

 

I think that there is another woman in the picture.

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Probably closer to going on three months. Yes, I have been to his house twice, but his children live there...3 adult children. He tells me he is ashamed

of his place, but I think it is very well kept for someone who doesn't like to do housework.

Yes, we have had the discussion of being exclusive and he has told me that he believes that I am the right woman for him and that he loves me and

desires to build a future with me. Now, is he being totally honest with me? I don't know. I have been cheated on before and I am trying my best to

give him the benefit of the doubt. He tells me I over analyze things, when I actually consider myself to be very intuitive and listen to my gut. I am usually

right. He prefers to come here and hang out with me.

I don't have a problem with that at all. We get along very well and he treats my dad very well.

But I observe things that don't set well with me and don't want to be the kind of girlfriend that questions everything that makes me feel uncomfortable.

He shares his concerns with me and I am happy that he feels comfortable enough in the relationship to express what he needs from me. I listen and tell him

I will try to do better and I am sorry if I hurt his feelings. It is never my intention to do so. I don't see his verbalizing as a demand, however, if I share a desire

from him and express something I would like to do together, he comes back with, "are you making demands on me now?" I reply no. It is not a demand, rather

a way for us to bond together and allow us to connect on a deeper level".

Gosh! I don't know.......

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