Advice about being "too nice"?

Hi all,

Recently I connected with an ex from a couple years ago, we dated for a year and it didn't work out, we were just chatting and having fun and she started asking what she could do differently that might help her self improvement . Likewise I asked the same, somewhat out of curiosity and somewhat I would like to change things that bother others if there was an issue.

Lots of nice things to say about each other but a couple key points stuck with me, so I wanted to find out what everyone thinks because they confused me as wether they are seen to others as character flaws (mind you she is an very independent girl). Some thinks like when I tried to help e.g. with cooking I had a tendency to take over make sense to be; but she said she always found it annoying that I never got or seemed angry at her, that I was almost "too nice" to her sometimes and that what I thought were "cute things" like surprising her with her favourite drink or snack in the fridge got old and annoyed her (I probably did this 2 times a week). I like to consider myself a balanced person, Im a Dr. with a busy work (7-6) and life schedule (gym, mates/beer and fishing) so I know in-fact that we weren't always bending to her will, but it must have occurred often enough for it to leave an impression on her for her to tell me honestly.

I find this confusing because I purposely did nice things which I thought was good and showed I cared, and not getting angry I definitely didn't think was a down side considering I get angry and complain about other pretty regularly haha. I get this whole "friend zone being too nice thing" for those who haven't asserted themselves as a viable dating partner, but in my mind all those traits (without the clinginess) would be more beneficial than an "annoyance" after the relationship had begun. There was genuinely alot of give and take in the relationship (I dont think she remembers taking so much haha) but it has me curious.

Thoughts from any of the girls on here?? Are these really things I and we men should work on, and how nice is being too nice?

Regards,

G

How did it come about that you "recently connected"? Of course keep in mind this is one person's opinion, tastes and quirks. And this one person broke up with you. 😟

Her opinion would be at best be taken with a grain of salt but basically these relationship autopsies and exit critiques are rubbish. 💩 What this one finds 'annoying' the next one may love. It's too subjective and relative.

Most of all you should consider going no contact and deleting/blocking her instead of reconnecting.

she started asking what she could do differently that might help her self improvement . Likewise I asked the same

How did it come about that you "recently connected"? Of course keep in mind this is one person's opinion, tastes and quirks. And this one person broke up with you. 😟

 

Her opinion would be at best be taken with a grain of salt but basically these relationship autopsies and exit critiques are rubbish. 💩 What this one finds 'annoying' the next one may love. It's too subjective and relative.

 

Most of all you should consider going no contact and deleting her instead of reconnecting.

Oh I just came home for the holidays and we were both at the same party, we said hi and decided it would be nice to catch up for coffee on the weekend before I head back home next week, Also its not one of those "horrible exs" everyones talking about, we were friends before we dated, friends after we dated and then I moved away for the last two years and we lost touch

Two things. The kind of nice she is talking about is not "nice" because it comes from a people pleasing place of insecurity. And the "not getting angry" is an issue if she can sense from your vibe that you are feeling disrespected/frustrated but holding back to keep the peace at the expense of self-care. It's not a science for sure -we all choose our battles - but if she doesn't see you sticking up for yourself that can be a turn off.

What makes you think she is an independent person? And were the thoughtful things you did for her things that you knew she personally would like or you assumed all women would like this?

Also what is with the referring to women as "girls" - it's odd given that you refer to yourself as a "man".

So your kind of "nice" -meaning a confident person who does kind, thoughtful things for others from that perspective -that's completely fine and even impressive of course! Especially if they are things that you know the other person would appreciate. She might not be ready herself for a man who is genuinely thoughtful, kind and respectful. She might still want the thrill of the chase with a man who is cold/distant who she has to "win over". And that's not your fault of course. I had a friend -a widower after his wife died young from cancer (I knew him through his wife who was a dear friend of mine). When he dated my friend he would call her manicure place and tell them to bill the manicure to his account, things like that. Honestly my friend wasn't used to that kind of treatment but also did nice things for him (which he was great with too) and realized what a keeper he was.

No, not because he lavished her with manicures - just "because". Then after she died, about a year or so later he met another woman. He dated her a few times then called me for the best place to buy flowers to be sent to her office. He ended up calling a florist that worked for one of the fanciest hotels in town and sent flowers to her office. Personally I might have found that over the top. She didn't and they've been happily married for 10 years. So really it also is an individual thing.

I'm sorry she wasn't right for you. Look it can't hurt to check in with yourself and evaluate whether you want to change your behavior or choices. In my personal opinion it sounds like you've done that and it sounds like what you figured out is right for you.

I think you sound like a very well rounded individual and the fridge thing was very thoughtful. That would not annoy me at all, even if on the regular. These things annoyed her because the relationship was going sour so instead of being cute they became irksome to her. This was a silly issue for her to raise and I have to say I'm slightly suspicious of her motives for doing so.

Do not attempt to change for anyone. Stay as you are and the right person will love your traits.

Hi sodastream, I can't speak to your particular situation as I don't know your ex or the dynamic you shared.

But, what I will say, and this goes for women and men, is that when our partner tries too hard to please, yes it can become annoying and a turn off.

Course what one women considers "trying too hard" and annoying another woman may consider awesome and love it! So it's subjective.

Without knowing her and your dynamic, she may have felt you "were" trying too hard to please her, which she deemed somewhat contrived, phony and therefore not "nice," and she also may have felt she did not deserve (subconsciously).

Was she reciprocating in kind? Doing cute things for you too?

I kind of get what she means; when these cute little gestures are done spontaneously and only occassionally, they become more special.

When they're done often, like twice a week, they become predictable and lose their value. And yeah can be annoying.

It sounds like things that personally annoyed her rather than character flaws. The time to speak up is while you are with the person, not after like this, where it is basically "you know what I didn't like about you?!". Lol

What you could take out of this possibly is making sure communication is happening in future relationships.

The times that I tried to do those extra "nice" things in a relationship were times when I felt insecure. I was hoping those "nice" things would convince my partner to love me.

And yeah, please don't refer to grown women as "girls". It comes across as condescending whether or not you mean it that way. I don't know if you'd want to be referred to as a boy.

PS: Is this the woman who fell out of love? Interestingly, you referred to that woman as a "girl" too.

Tell her when she says that your effort of surprising her with something she likes like a beverage or snack is annoying, that she is essentially saying you are annoying, and that your treats are not good enough for her, or she is not ready to receive love through gifts.

Unless you got her stuff she really doesn't like and you keep pushing onto her, then to be honest, she sounds super lame. Getting her snacks is super sweet. I would rather she you be with a woman who can see your efforts. Imagine if you took her on a romantic trip to propose, and she says the place isn't good enough, and the ring is too small. People who say getting them snacks is annoying are NOT ready to be in a committed relationship anytime soon. RUN!

A conversation about likes and dislikes is best done before and during relationships. 👍👎 After the fact, the point is moot because you are no longer together and habits, preferences, etc. don't matter.

Are you hoping to reconcile? Is she? Beware the ex-turned-friend giving you dating advice/comments/suggestions. Keep any conversation about what you are doing, what's new, etc.

it would be nice to catch up for coffee on the weekend before I head back home next week, we were friends before we dated, friends after we dated and then I moved away for the last two years and we lost touch

Sounds like a mismatch in Love Language.... from the sounds of it yours was gift giving and possibly acts of service but if she wasn’t appreciative then hers was something else, and if she was annoyed her needs weren’t getting met for whatever reason.

Maybe you were people pleasing or maybe you are just a thoughtful person. Not everyone giving gifts does so with an agenda but lots do, hence the suspicion and annoyance perhaps.

To me it sounds more like “acts of service,” which is my main love language as well.

However, there are acts of service, and there is “white knight” behavior which takes acts of service to an entirely different level. In short, it can become too much sometimes, and gets interpreted by the recipient as 'trying too hard to please,' which comes from a place of insecurity and is a turn off to some of us, both men and women.

The OP has not returned but am curious what category he believes himself to fall under.

I suppose I can only speak for myself (and perhaps this girl, um woman, sorry! ), but as I said in previous post, when these “acts of service” are done spontaneously and only occasionally, they become more special.

When they're done often, like twice a week, especially the same acts like in his case, they become predictable and lose their value. And yeah can be annoying even to those whose love language is acts of service.

Hi sodastream, I can't speak to your particular situation as I don't know your ex or the dynamic you shared.

 

But, what I will say, and this goes for women and men, is that when our partner tries too hard to please, yes it can become annoying and a turn off.

 

Course what one women considers "trying too hard" and annoying another woman may consider awesome and love it! So it's subjective.

 

Without knowing her and your dynamic, she may have felt you "were" trying too hard to please her, which she deemed somewhat contrived, phony and therefore not "nice," and she also may have felt she did not deserve (subconsciously).

 

Was she reciprocating in kind? Doing cute things for you too?

 

I kind of get what she means; when these cute little gestures are done spontaneously and only occassionally, they become more special.

 

When they're done often, like twice a week, they become predictable and lose their value. And yeah can be annoying.

Hi Katrina,

Yeah I kind of get what you are going at, It might actually be some useful criticism is what I was thinking, in my head I just did it as routine because I like doing things for my partner when not asked; but then again at the time I never remember her being annoyed at it, it was dependant on her mood if she would do a little dance and be happy or if she just said thanks and went back to work. She did reciprocate but less frequently, perhaps its best to match your partners speed?

Two things. The kind of nice she is talking about is not "nice" because it comes from a people pleasing place of insecurity. And the "not getting angry" is an issue if she can sense from your vibe that you are feeling disrespected/frustrated but holding back to keep the peace at the expense of self-care. It's not a science for sure -we all choose our battles - but if she doesn't see you sticking up for yourself that can be a turn off.

 

What makes you think she is an independent person? And were the thoughtful things you did for her things that you knew she personally would like or you assumed all women would like this?

 

Also what is with the referring to women as "girls" - it's odd given that you refer to yourself as a "man".

 

So your kind of "nice" -meaning a confident person who does kind, thoughtful things for others from that perspective -that's completely fine and even impressive of course! Especially if they are things that you know the other person would appreciate. She might not be ready herself for a man who is genuinely thoughtful, kind and respectful. She might still want the thrill of the chase with a man who is cold/distant who she has to "win over". And that's not your fault of course. I had a friend -a widower after his wife died young from cancer (I knew him through his wife who was a dear friend of mine). When he dated my friend he would call her manicure place and tell them to bill the manicure to his account, things like that. Honestly my friend wasn't used to that kind of treatment but also did nice things for him (which he was great with too) and realized what a keeper he was.

No, not because he lavished her with manicures - just "because". Then after she died, about a year or so later he met another woman. He dated her a few times then called me for the best place to buy flowers to be sent to her office. He ended up calling a florist that worked for one of the fanciest hotels in town and sent flowers to her office. Personally I might have found that over the top. She didn't and they've been happily married for 10 years. So really it also is an individual thing.

 

I'm sorry she wasn't right for you. Look it can't hurt to check in with yourself and evaluate whether you want to change your behavior or choices. In my personal opinion it sounds like you've done that and it sounds like what you figured out is right for you.

I guess I choose my battles a little more selectively If that makes sense, I see no point arguing about the location of dinner or an furniture choosing decision if I really dont have an issue with it overall, but I will have my input.

She's also a Dr. moved out of home early and supported herself all ive known her, no they were specific to her, there were a couple items on a shopping list one time that I remember she said she only buys them once in a while as a treat because they're expensive; hence I figured I would get one of them when I got the groceries once a week

Oh haha thats not meant to be anything in particular, just the way ive always talked; its not supposed to be patronising or anything like that.

Thanks for the input that makes sense, psychologically when we know something is secure we can tend to care about it less

The times that I tried to do those extra "nice" things in a relationship were times when I felt insecure. I was hoping those "nice" things would convince my partner to love me.

 

And yeah, please don't refer to grown women as "girls". It comes across as condescending whether or not you mean it that way. I don't know if you'd want to be referred to as a boy.

 

PS: Is this the woman who fell out of love? Interestingly, you referred to that woman as a "girl" too.

Hi mate,

I just use the word girls I guess I always have, I didn't grow up in the US I spent my childhood in Australia and its just a saying over there, No this is one of my previous girlfriends from back home.

I guess they weren't "active" nice things, I never felt insecure in the relationship, I just did things when they came about or I remembered, sometimes that might have been often, other times not

A conversation about likes and dislikes is best done before and during relationships. 👍👎 After the fact, the point is moot because you are no longer together and habits, preferences, etc. don't matter.

 

Are you hoping to reconcile? Is she? Beware the ex-turned-friend giving you dating advice/comments/suggestions. Keep any conversation about what you are doing, what's new, etc.

I dont think so mate, Ill be leaving home in a week for a stint overseas for the next 8 months, I guess we were just having a conversation and I didn't really see an angle to it to be honest

Tell her when she says that your effort of surprising her with something she likes like a beverage or snack is annoying, that she is essentially saying you are annoying, and that your treats are not good enough for her, or she is not ready to receive love through gifts.

 

Unless you got her stuff she really doesn't like and you keep pushing onto her, then to be honest, she sounds super lame. Getting her snacks is super sweet. I would rather she you be with a woman who can see your efforts. Imagine if you took her on a romantic trip to propose, and she says the place isn't good enough, and the ring is too small. People who say getting them snacks is annoying are NOT ready to be in a committed relationship anytime soon. RUN!

Hmm I hope I wasn't annoying, thats a character flaw to me haha, but I see where you're coming from, thanks :)

To me it sounds more like “acts of service,” which is my main love language as well.

 

However, there are acts of service, and there is “white knight” behavior which takes acts of service to an entirely different level. In short, it can become too much sometimes, and gets interpreted by the recipient as 'trying too hard to please,' which comes from a place of insecurity and is a turn off to some of us, both men and women.

 

The OP has not returned but am curious what category he believes himself to fall under.

 

I suppose I can only speak for myself (and perhaps this girl, um woman, sorry! ), but as I said in previous post, when these “acts of service” are done spontaneously and only occasionally, they become more special.

 

When they're done often, like twice a week, especially the same acts like in his case, they become predictable and lose their value. And yeah can be annoying even to those whose love language is acts of service.

Sorry im back home in Australia at the moment so he time zones are all wrong, possible as just an "act of service" not really trying to get anything out of it just seemed like the nice thing to do, Could you elaborate on "White Knight" behaviour? I am unfamiliar with the term.

Also they weren't always the same acts (apart from her favourite chocolate or tea which I might pick up from the store if they were on sale), if she mentioned something and took the time to tell me about it specifically, I would try in my free time make sure it would happen. One time we missed a couple attractions in New York so I booked a weekend trip down to finish them off, or she mentioned one time about a particular hair straightener she loved that was too expensive so I got it for Christmas, that sort of thing

 

Also they weren't always the same acts (apart from her favourite chocolate or tea which I might pick up from the store if they were on sale)

Fair enough ss, I only posted that because of what you said in your original post (below).

 

Some thinks like when I tried to help e.g. with cooking I had a tendency to take over make sense to be; but she said she always found it annoying that I never got or seemed angry at her, that I was almost "too nice" to her sometimes and that what I thought were "cute things" like surprising her with her favourite drink or snack in the fridge got old and annoyed her (I probably did this 2 times a week).

No worries, it was just an example

I think keeping things in the house that the other person likes is thoughtful!

However, you say 'surprised' her with food - it implies it was a big production - like a magician unveiling it or giving an explanation about "oh, i saw it and i had to get it for you!' Like "wow, guess what, kids, we are getting pizza tonight!!"" Or it implies like you are "surprising her with flowers/chocolate" A surprise wants a "my hero!" reaction. simply stocking the fridge with food she likes to eat when you are together shouldn't really be a "surprise" - it should just be grocery shopping.

Maybe it wasn't the fact of buying food that she liked - but the idea of 'surprising her " with it like it was two tickets to Fiji or something...

Other than that - if it was just poor word choice - maybe it just wasn't a match

I think keeping things in the house that the other person likes is thoughtful!

 

However, you say 'surprised' her with food - it implies it was a big production - like a magician unveiling it or giving an explanation about "oh, i saw it and i had to get it for you!' Like "wow, guess what, kids, we are getting pizza tonight!!"" Or it implies like you are "surprising her with flowers/chocolate" A surprise wants a "my hero!" reaction. simply stocking the fridge with food she likes to eat when you are together shouldn't really be a "surprise" - it should just be grocery shopping.

 

Maybe it wasn't the fact of buying food that she liked - but the idea of 'surprising her " with it like it was two tickets to Fiji or something...

 

Other than that - if it was just poor word choice - maybe it just wasn't a match

Oh I meant surprised as in just out of the ordinary, I explained in one of the other posts some more specifics, actually we were a pretty decent match but I had some things in my life that needed to be sorted out alone before I started my degree and not around people and places I knew so I traveled on a gap year and she had to stay back in Aus so it fizzled. It was just a light hearted conversation with a slight seriousness, but I was curious what the women on here thought of people that were "too nice" wether anyone had ever dated someone where that became a turn off or a problem

Exactly. And this is why her critique is counterproductive. It's sad because of her likes and dislikes you will use that useless info to undermine your next relationship by not doing what a "moody" ex disliked, instead of doing what a new not so moody and unappreciative gf may like.

Why put so much weight on this ex's opinion? It's time for her to get off the pedestal so you can clear your head and be open to the personalities of new women.

it was dependant on her mood if she would do a little dance and be happy or if she just said thanks and went back to work.

Oh I meant surprised as in just out of the ordinary, I explained in one of the other posts some more specifics...

 

That is fine, I love surprises, so do most women. I bet even your ex loves surprises!

But when you do things like you posted in your example --> bringing over her favorite treats etc, twice a week, it's no longer a surprise but predictable, and loses its value.

Google can explain what a "white knight" is better than I could. Since you've only shared bits and pieces and there are obviously many different nuances to consider, I can't say if you fall into that category, only you can once you read.

But generally speaking, most women will never respect a white knight deeming him "too nice" just as your ex described you, at least in her eyes.

Something to consider moving forward.

OP, on paper, nothing that you describe is "too nice". So I'm with Wiseman here that it is down to a dynamic between two people and relationships do break down because of incompatibilities. You say it was all lighthearted, but here you are - bothered so much that you are posting trying to get second and third opinions. Don't mess up your next relationship by trying to be "too cool".

One of my LTR's, my ex was much like you describe. He always noticed and remembered what I like, tastes, preferences, etc. Sometimes I think he knew what I like even better than I do. He would absolutely do little things and big things and always had it right. Did I think that was too nice? No. I thought he was amazing and in that regard still think warmly of him even if our relationship ended for other reasons long ago.

So do yourself a favor and let this comment of hers go. One person's too nice is another person's not nice enough. It's such a nebulous, subjective thing.