Not sure if I trust her.

My wife of 11 years and I had been going through a bit of a rough patch, nothing serious just not really connecting and spending a lot of time together. She started a new job about a year ago and in that job she needs to communicate with the other office in another city. One of her contacts is a guy named Tom. She talks to him on a daily basis and started texting him after work and talking on social media etc. I knew it was going on but didn't really think too much of it until I went to her office one day to pick her up and one of her co workers referred to Tom as her boyfriend. I'm sure it was meant in a joking kinda way, but with the contrast texting outside of work and talking at work all day, I became concerned so I confronted her about it. She was adamant that it was nothing more than friendship and she would stop texting him outside of work if I was uncomfortable about it. I asked if there was anything else I should know about it and she said no. I was upset about but thought maybe I was over reacting. We had a good talk about our relationship after that and things seemed to be getting better.

Around the time of all the texting etc. She went away on a conference for 5 days. Tom was not there, but I found out last night that while she was alone in the hotel room she was calling Tom every night and talking to him for an hour and a half before bed. She is adamant that it is nothing and he us just a friend and nothing else.

I feel like talking to him like that is more than just friends and it was really sneaky and she lied to me about it. Which makes me think there is more to it. I want to believe her that there is nothing else going on or had gone on, but I am having a hard time trusting that.

I'm looking for opinions as I dont know what to do next.

Am I overreacting???

When an emotional connection is lost in a relationship, it's common for a person to fall into, or let themselves be drawn into, an emotional affair. Read some articles on emotional affairs and you will see your wife is in one, which can be just as damaging to a relationship than a physical one, because she is pouring emotional energy and time into another man.

I would have a discussion with her, in a calm way, that you realized your connection with her has been lacking and come up with a plan, together, to reignite the spark. Speak about emotional affairs, and that a person has to put boundaries up with anyone of the opposite sex, including co-workers, to preserve the marriage. Seek couples counseling if she can't understand this. Good luck.

Sorry to hear this. What is the rough patch about? 🤔 Can you try to reconnect or bring the romance back? What about date nights, weekend getaways, evening/weekend walks holding hands etc.?

Marriage therapy is a must at this point to restore trust, communication and all the other neglect and turning away that is happening.

Do not contact her coworker and look like the crazy jealous husband. It will destroy your already failing marriage even more.

My wife of 11 years and I had been going through a bit of a rough patch

You are not overreacting and its inappropriate for her to have this amount of contact with another man.

If it were nothing more than an innocent friendship then she wouldn't need to lie about it.

Promises within a marriage, especially ones made in good faith when a marriage is in trouble are to be seriously taken.

The fact that she disregarded the promise she just made suggests she willing to take that risk at further jeopardizing things between you.

This is a seriously call for you to take this seriously.

Thank you for the responses.

I think the biggest thing is I feel betrayed and yes she's sorry that I found out and she's sorry that I am upset about it. But I dont think she sees what she did was wrong. And keeps trying to justify it as 'just friends'. Shes not sorry that it happened.

I guess we have a lot of talking and work to do. And we should probably go see a counselor.

Thanks again!

DO NOT reach out to Tom. You are not married to him. The problem is with your wife. She is having an emotional affair.

Get some couples counseling.

Well, does she have other friends? If she doesn't have many friends and you two aren't communicating, you can see why she's reached out to a co-worker. But you two need to talk. Maybe take her out to dinner and other dates so you will have her full attention.

No, you're not over-reacting.

She has developed an emotional attachment to this man. This isn't just friendship, and she knows it. She might be trying to convince herself that it is, but that would be because she knows she has feelings stronger than a friend does. She doesn't want to admit that it's not right, because then she would have to stop talking to him. Her denial is also her way of hanging on to him, you see

I will echo the others that some marriage counseling would be a good idea. You have the beginnings of an affair here.

Definitely not over reacting. She is having an emotional affair and it's inching towards a full on affair. They both know what they are doing.

You need to sit your wife down, ask her or more like, tell her, that you won't stand for her contacting Tom any longer. You also need marriage counselling to reconnect.

To be honest, I'm not sure if that will be enough at this point. She's already emotionally invested in Tom and I'm not sure she will be willing to give him up.

More than likely, she will continue contacting him without you knowing.

I agree that she's having an emotional affair. If she's going away and talking to him for hours at a time while in her hotel room then she's for sure emotionally attached to him and because she's yet to do anything physical with him, she's saying they are just friends. I'd google "emotional affair" and print somethings about it out for her to read when you have your discussion with her. Let her know how much their connection (whether its just friends or more) has hurt you seeing as you are (or suppose to be) her significant other. Did she talk to you for over an hour when she was away?

Use *I* words to let her know how you are feeling as opposed to *you* words about what she's done because *you* words will just put her on the defensive.

You have to educate yourself.

Seeing the counselor won't help, but if she agrees, it may give you time you need to understand infidelity.

First lesson:

"...nothing serious just not really connecting and spending a lot of time together."

- Your perspective.

"...nothing serious just not really connecting and spending a lot of time together."

- Her perspective: I'm lonely and tired of being neglected. Other people like me and think I'm important! Why just yesterday (six months ago), some guy told me how pretty I am! When I talked he REALLY listened! Nothing like your fake listening, but really listened, and cared what I said. etc.

You need to understand infidelity. To do that, secretly read James Dobson's "Love must be Tough"

To understand her, again secretly read Gary Smalley's "If only he knew".

Never let her see these books.

First aid:

1. Don't chase after her anymore. Loving, understanding and somewhat aloof, like you too have a secret, but don't chase or plead. It will only drive her further away.

2. Don't tell her about this forum, or anything you may be doing to save your marriage. (Yes, your are losing you wife!)

3. Read Dobson!

P.S. I was in your shoes and saved my marriage.

Agree. This is what this is all about in a nutshell.🥜

"...nothing serious just not really connecting and spending a lot of time together."

- Your perspective.

 

"...nothing serious just not really connecting and spending a lot of time together."

- Her perspective: I'm lonely and tired of being neglected. Other people like me and think I'm important! Why just yesterday (six months ago), some guy told me how pretty I am! When I talked he REALLY listened! Nothing like your fake listening, but really listened, and cared what I said. etc.

I have been around here for a pretty long time and the reason I found myself hear is because my wife cheated.

Cheaters lie. They lie to themselves, they lie to each other and they most certainly lie to the person they are cheating on. The one big thing they have on their side is the love you feel for her. It is so hard for you to believe she would lie and cheat on you so you don't see it until it is basically right in your face so much you can no longer ignore it or that gut feeling you have been having for a very long time. I know because I was in the same boat.

The words "he/she is just a friend" have been uttered millions of times by cheaters and to their credit what else do you expect them to say? Yes Tom and I have an emotional connection and we are quickly falling in love and plan on having sex at the earliest time possible. That may happen in 1 out of 10,000 cases.

Look back with clear vision and ask yourself when did the rough patch start? Before or after the new job? Did she become more distant after she started this new job?

Cheaters often sprinkle a little bit of truth into their lies to make them believable. You are aware of Tom, you know she speaks to him and you know he works in another city so when you catch her talking to him she has an excuse. You know this is way more than "friends" and she is hoping you will believe her lies. Now that you have confronted her she will take it on the down low and hide it better. There may be a new cell phone purchased without your knowledge so you don't see the bill. She may open new social media pages that you don't know about.

What to do next is the tough part. I agree that educating yourself is your number one priority right now. Act like everything is okay so they will think the crisis is over and they can go back to their usual ways while you silently keep your eyes wide open and keep looking for clues. She obviously doesn't think what she has been doing is inappropriate and is agreeing to stop because you don't like it so that means she will continue if given the chance. You need to accept that you cannot stop her from cheating no matter what you do and you also need to accept the women you love is having some sort of affair and come to grips with that. Once you do it will free your mind to work on a solution to repair your relationship.

What are your wife's phone habits lately? Secretive? Take the phone everywhere she goes including the bathroom? Keeps it locked? Doesn't leave it facing up when you are around?

The fact is that you know only about 10% of what has been going on so you have little on your side to take a stand and she will just deny and put it back on you. You will not win her back with flowers and overt gestures, those will make you look weak and desperate and that is unattractive. At this moment what not to do is more important than what to do so take it slow and keep posting. It isn't as easy as just going to counseling because she will not admit what she is doing so it will be a waste of time until more honesty is on the table.

A few things to remember:

1. This is not your fault. Could you have been a better husband and partner? Of course but it does not make you the reason she is cheating.

2. This was her choice and she had plenty of chances to put a stop to it but she chose to continue.

3. It isn't Tom's fault either, he may be a D=bag for messing with a married woman but it is your wife's job to be true to your vows.

4. It isn't to late to turn this thing around so don't give up and do something stupid. Stay calm and keep posting.

5. Knowledge is power.

Lost

The opposite happened with me and my wife of 18 years.

I was certain I was only friends with this other woman, but slowly the conversations grew longer. I started looking forward to them.

Long story short, I fell in emotional love with the other woman and it absolutely ruined my life. Divorced now, out of a home, and the other woman isn't really even talking to me anymore.

It did start out innocently, but as Adrina said, I wasn't getting that emotional connection from my wife...absolutely nothing. So when I started feeling it from the other woman, I just went with it. It was like someone understood me and appreciated me again. It was literally intoxicating.

We never had any physical relations, but we didn't have to - the pure emotional connection and the lying and the deception killed any chance my wife and I had.

We went to counseling, but she had major trust issues even before this, so it didn't work.

So be careful dude, don't confront, but be direct and make sure she knows you want to try giving her the emotional support you used to! Make her cut off any ounce of non-work-related contact and understand that you BOTH need to work at getting things back on track.

It's hard AF! But it's worth the effort IMO.