Boyfriend distancing himself, says he is a burden, i could do better...confused

Been dating a guy for 5 months, could not fault the first three

 

he is older than me, am 38, he is 53

 

he is still married, two kids, 25,21 years old, had an affair, they split about five years ago, he has been on his own until he met me. his wife still hates him and has turned his kids against him, where they have not spoke to him in over a year. (he had another child who died as a baby, before his kids where born, started the distance/problems with him and is wife)

 

he told me this two month in, i had never asked why they had split, I thought i was going to end it, because he knows I have been cheated on in the past, but i didnt see how something that had happened before we met would affect us now

 

it all started with him saying stuff like 'he has never felt like this about anyone' 'i am his dream girl', 'no one has ever looked at him the way I do', all this kind of stuff and I completely felt the same, saying I 'saved' his life, never been as happy since he meet me

 

both of us have low confidence, he thinks he is ugly and puts himself down a lot, i compliments him, his smile, his body, he says no one has ever gave compliments

 

about a month ago, out the blue, he said I should get someone better than him, I deserve to be with someone better, that he is a burden on me, that I have all my years ahead of me

 

he carries so much guilt about the affair and its breaking his heart not seeing his kids, which I understand

 

update, he came to see me while I was writing this- so now I have an update

 

he came in last night and said he is not happy, and he cant see working out, he cant be happy, says he still loves me but cant be with me because his son will not speak to him if he is with anyone. He looked heartbroken, was crying, says its hard, but he would better being on his own

 

he says he needs to try get talking to his son, yet all he does is send cards on birthdays & Christmas, then they get sent back to him. I said he should be making more effort than just sending cards, he says he is too embarrassed, ashamed at himself

 

feeling completely gutted, heartbroken, confused

 

i have strong feelings for him, I do love him and I am concerned for him

 

It brakes my heart knowing he is so upset

 

please excuse the spelling and grammar, I am dyslectic, please be kind

When a man is willing to hand you off to another man, he has no feelings for you. He's using his son as an excuse because he's a coward. He will repeat the same behavior with another woman--get in some intimacy, enjoy the highs of a brand new fling, and when he's expected to put in the efforts of a serious relationship, he bails.

 

If you have low confidence, work on that before dating again or you will keep allowing or choosing inappropriate men over and over. Also, the larger the age gap, the higher risk of the relationship ending, so I'd choose to date men closer to your age for a higher success rate. Go no contact for faster closure and moving on to a better life for yourself.

How did you meet? It sounds like you dodged a bullet. 😊Despite all the classic laying it on thick lines he fed you, he lied about things. Consider that everything he told you was a lie including all the sweet talk etc. 🤥 Consider yourself free to find a decent honest man now and that he did you a favor.

Been dating a guy for 5 months, could not fault the first three. he is still married. he came in last night and said he is not happy, and he cant see working out, he cant be happy, says he still loves me but cant be with me because his son will not speak to him if he is with anyone.

please excuse the spelling and grammar, I am dyslectic, please be kind

 

Thankfully there are tools that are available to assist with this. Most browsers whether on PC or phone will underline spelling errors. So after you type out your message you can easily identify what needs to be corrected. Additionally, this website has a spell check feature built in which may be of particular interest to you if you are dyslectic. The icon are the letters 'abc' with a green checkmark below.

 

That being said, I didn't find your post that difficult to read. Its been 5 months and while you say your heart is now involved, you are better off trying to move on and be happy that this didn't work out. He is 15 years your senior (not the most significant of the issues, but worth noting), is separated and not divorced, had an affair and has estranged adult kids that may or may not engage with him depending on his relationship status. This is a lot. If this was on an online dating profile, would you be jumping at the opportunity to date this guy?

 

Some times, especially when we are older in life (I am 40 myself), the baggage...or situation someone is in can be as much as a deal breaker as anything else (personality, strange ticks, etc.)

 

Hang in there. Heal up and when you are ready to go back out there, make sure you keep an eye out for flags...things that you shouldn't have to be dealing with. Notice these before you get your heart invested.

he says i can find someone better but still wants to be in my life, which is just too odd in my eyes

 

i have spoke to one of his friends today, he is the guy that introduced us, he says, which i have been told of a few people that know him well, he is a deep thinker, keeps everything to his self, worries about stuff too much

 

one night about four weeks ago, i think he was worrying about this job, then said he didnt think we would work cause he could not pay for everything for me and my son - we had barley spoke about the possiblity of moving in, plus I said I would not feel comfortable with his=m paying for everything

 

i do have low confidence, every relationship I have had has been a nightmare, with little positve to say - he truly did treat me great, listened to me, we just clicked so well

 

i have not made any contact today

we met at a diner dance, spoke to the guy that introduced us today, he said he was really taken by me from the second he seen me

i was trying not to say too much because he is in the public eye (in my country) the story only came out about him cheating because the lady he had the affair with seen us together and together with his wife went to the newspapers. it made the front page, i was mentioned - not by name

 

he is that much of a private person, his friends and work colleges didnt know he had left his wife ( about five years) until it came out in the papers - he is hard work and lets no one or nothing in or out - he really started opening up to me and I believe and trust him - i do think he is genuine - dishonest/player type guys i know too well

 

I have been on my own for the best part of ten years - i went out with an old high school friend for a while and we had a child together and he quickly left me for someone else

 

i do like being on my own, he chased me for a while before i trusted him to go out on a date and it was an instant click - something I cannot explain, my son was ill in hospital and needed an operation and he was very supportive and helped me through it

 

he clearly holds a lot of guilt and is not letting himself be happy ( his best friend has also said this too him)

Sometimes people use a variation of the "it's me, not you" to back out of things. What did he mean by this? "he didnt think we would work cause he could not pay for everything for me and my son". It sounds like he wants fwb but no obligations financially.

he says i can find someone better but still wants to be in my life, which is just too odd in my eyes.

he says he want to pay for everything, house, bills, holidays - but if he lost his job then he cant pay for everything

 

he is going through the divorce procedures at the moment also

This all seem too messy just 5 months in. And all of this seems like a typical variation of the old "it's not you, it's me".

he is still married, two kids, 25,21 years old,

Stay away from separated only men. They have too much unfinished baggage to unpack and the odds are too high that you'll get hurt one way or the other with guys that are not free from their failing/failed relationship and are yet to divorce.

 

Zero contact with him will help you to get over this disappointing ending quicker.

I am really struggling with it all

It sounds like he can't afford a mistress now that he got slammed with an expensive divorce. Block and delete him. Do not be "friends". That is code for fwb, a divorced variation on mistress.

he says he want to pay for everything, house, bills, holidays

he has already signed everything over to her, five years ago. he walked out with £300 and nothing else and rebuilt his life. he has given his wife everything, there is nothing left to give her he has already mentioned to me that he is penniless. he has came from a very successful career, in the public eye, its like he is use to a certain lifestyle and thinks thats how life should be, I have came from every little, and still have little - but am self employed and work hard on my new businesses - he always compliments my achievements and is impressed that I have done it all myself with no help

 

i think its more his job he worries about, with it being uncertain at times, he is left with little choices if he did loss it - mentioned the possibility of having to move to another country to work, then he asks how can we be together if he has to move to China?? its like he gets worried and it runs away with him, he creates panic out on nothing for himself

At 5 mos, this is too much drama and he wants out. He is using any excuse he can find from "it's me not you" to "got taken to the cleaners" to "may be moving 1/2 way around the world". Take the hint and block and delete him.

 

Why is he even telling you all this nonsense, to get sex with zero commitment/future? So now you are fwb instead of mistress because he is "penniless" after his "separation" and now the new excuse of "moving to China"? Have you considered that his wife divorced him for being a pathological liar as well as chronic cheater?

he has given his wife everything, there is nothing left. he has already mentioned to me that he is penniless.he asks how can we be together if he has to move to China?

I know you are right

 

He just made me feel like I was the most important person ever and I have never experienced anything like this

 

I have spoke with a few people that know him, I get told the same from them all, he is a good and genuine guy, yeah he had an affair, but his wife and mistresses actions since have played a big part in him breaking down and his unhappiness. He has done everything they have asked of him and still any time he moves on, work wise or seeing me (I know for a fact he hasn't seen any else but me)

 

His kids are still controlling his life

Anyone can do this with all the schmaltz he was laying on. However keeping your head in that sand about his marriage and preposterous lies and lines is what hurt you. You heard what you wanted to hear and ignored the facts.

 

His kids control his life? So he's blaming his divorce, his wife, his "poverty", his move across the world and now his kids? Take the hint. It's over. And that is a blessing.

He just made me feel like I was the most important person

His kids are still controlling his life

Dear you've got your own burdens. Love yourself first.

Carry your weight, not his unwilling dead weight.

Hi honkeytonk and welcome. I just read the entire thread and here's my take fwiw.

 

The problem with posting these types of situations on a forum like this is that posters only get to hear a very small portion of the entire dynamic between you, and therefore the responses tend to be quite narrow in some cases (not all).

 

Sure it’s just so easy to conclude the guy is an a-hole, a "player," jerking you around, but I think it goes deeper than that, as with most things in life. In fact, my sense is he’s NOT an a-hole or player at all, a bit more complex than most perhaps, a bit more fearful, but not an a-hole.

 

My sense is he’s fallen quite hard for you, straight from the get-go, which kind of threw him for a loop as he wasn't expecting it nor was he sure he even wanted it! And due to his past mistakes/failures, he doesn’t feel worthy. His self-esteem is in the gutter, and yeah I think he truly believes you can do better.

 

He wasn’t “handing you over to another guy” by telling you this. He told you this hoping you would in fact leave him to save himself from getting hurt, which he has convinced himself he WILL if he continues to date you. His fear is the driving force here, and it’s causing him to push you out.

 

I suspect his strong feelings for you have triggered this fear; it’s not uncommon among those who share these same fears. It’s called self-sabotage and again quite common.

 

That said, you need to heed the warning and move on. He is nowhere near ready for the type of commitment you seem to want; I do think his past has damaged him and it’s going to take a very long time to undo that damage. Years perhaps and it’s long arduous struggle, one in which he many never resolve or overcome.