Loving Again

I will never say never, but I feel like I am not ready for a relationship after being hurt in my last one. I was just wondering what it's like to date after experiencing a dramatic break up/relationship, etc.? I don't like to become serious with someone unless I am "all in", and I have only been in 2 relationships ever. Was it difficult to open up again? Personally, I am excited for the future but worried about the consequences of my past.

You can't change the past. Only reflect on what does and doesn't work for you. Don't let past mismatches or breakups dictate your future happiness.

I am excited for the future but worried about the consequences of my past.

I find that if I allow myself to fully process the pain and absorb the lessons of a breakup then I come out of it more open to romance and love. It just takes time.

My last breakup was a messy one. Lies, infidelity, the works. I accepted that I had to be shattered for a bit, and in accepting that I wasn't looking to date.

I realized I was healed when I was ready to get out there again, without the fear of being hurt. I mean, I survived, you know? So what's there to fear ultimately? Because being open to love is in the end to be open pain.

For me I’m still learning as you are. Just don’t try too date when you aren’t ready. It’s like trying to fill in a void that can’t be filled.

From personal experience I got out of a decade long relationship three years ago! Instead of giving myself time to heal and work on myself right after. I went from online relationship. Which aren’t real. To trying to date but ended up dating definitely the wrong people!

I advise taking this time for yourself and don’t rush anything.

I've been experiencing this as well... fear of being in a relationship where I would end up hurt like my previous one(s)... I've been dating, but without any real purpose or understanding of what I was looking for... more for validation and a distraction. At the end of the day I needed to take a complete break from everything dating related to process my feelings.

How long you need is totally up to you... but I believe it's when we feel we would be okay with our without someone, where we lose that desperation and neediness, and where we see ourselves as high value vs. just taking what we think we can get.

How long you need is totally up to you... but I believe it's when we feel we would be okay with our without someone, where we lose that desperation and neediness, and where we see ourselves as high value vs. just taking what we think we can get.

Well put.

Odd as it sounds, it's once we're okay without someone that we can truly open up to someone. We know that whatever happens, we'll be okay, and so we're less scared of whatever might happen.

I've been solitary by choice for the past 8 years and have just recently decided to date again. It is a minefield out there, but after such a long break I feel like anybaggage that I may have held over from my previous relationships have well and truly been dealt with.

I don't necessarily suggest taking that long away from dating, but a good long period will be helpful.

On that note, if you feel that you need to have someone there because you can't deal with being alone, then that is even more reason to take time off dating.

We each get to decide whether our experiences will make us stronger and more confident for what we've learned, or whether we will consider ourselves weaker from our experiences and opt to play small instead.

Nobody's ready to date straight out of a breakup, not even those who believe that they are and blindly pursue rebounds. We each get to choose how we'll handle our grief and whether we'll move our focus forward to reach higher ground and earn new perceptions as we grow, or we can keep our focus pointed on our past, and we can stagnate there.

It's all about the choices we make rather than something that happens 'to' us.

Well, some people need time to heal before they can date again and some people need a rebound relationship to make themselves feel better about themselves. You have to decide which course is best for you.

However, based on people posting on ENA, I think most people in your position will be cautious about going all in too soon. The purpose of dating is to get to know the other person and figure out what they're like. A lot of guys aren't interested in marriage and they're just looking for fun and companionship. Also there are a lot of people who have been exposed to abuse or have mental or emotional problems that keep them from having loving, stable relationships. You should use dating to try to figure out a potential mate and maybe make a decision to go all in after a year or so. But it's whatever works for you.

If you are still healing, then for sure take some decent down time.. to work on YOU.

You have nothing to 'give' to have a fully, healthy relationship, if you're still dealing with the last one.. which affected you :(.

Then back off, for a good while... until you know you are over your last experience. Never a good idea to rush into it again.

Nothing wrong with being on your own for a while.. Is good to be single.. especially if you are still messed up inside.

You need to go into the idea of dating & a relationship only when you feel you are all there again.. ( Mentally & emotionally).

As mentioned, don't get involved because you may feel 'lonely'.

If you get involved again and are still lost in your past, then another one can quickly add up to more challenges.. and can affect you even more - in a negative...

So, think smart on this.

Take one year.. or even two. To get yourself back to good.

I took a cpl years at least, on my own after I had one affect me badly.. and I did some counselling.

Always.. think of yourself in this matter.