Feeling guilty and sad for my ex after we broke up

I guess I just need to vent, I feel alone and came here to talk about my breakup and hopefully get some replies that make me feel better.

 

Me and my ex dated for 9 months. I am 46 and he is 28, huge age difference but he said it would work and I look way younger than I am so we gave it a shot. He chased me hard for months before we dated, I was just always busy going to music festivals and camping. When we started dating, I liked him a lot, he made me laugh and we had fun together. And he treated me good.

 

He had horrible luck with life, he wasnt planned and his parents treated him worse than his siblings, all the girls he dated left him, he hadnt dated anyone for 5 years before I came along, he got kicked out of the army because he got Crohns Disease and one of his best friends died. So because of all that stuff happening, he had a nervous breakdown and got put on anti depressants. We worked together and one of our coworkers told me he tried to date her too but she said he was too childish and immature. I noticed that in the beginning too but thought he would be different in a relationship, so I gave him a chance.

 

About 6 months in, I started to feel unhappy for a few reasons, mainly because he never had deep conversation with me other than when he was telling me about his problems in life. He would hardly ever have anything to say about my life, and had a way of turning every conversation back into being about him. He never once asked me about my childhood or my past, he was just always talking about his. And another reason I was unhappy was because literally all he ever wanted to do was watch tv and play video games. Which was ok when we first started dating because it was winter. Then summer came and that's when I go to music festivals and camping almost every weekend. I paid for him to go to a few music festivals with me, but the last one he left early saying he wasn't having fun and he went home without saying goodbye (i was dancing up in the crowd). I sent him a message on FB (how we communicated 99% of the time) saying if he can't enjoy the thing that means the most to me, I dont know how we can work this out. The next day he came over and explained why he left but he said he still wants to be with me, and I said I didnt know what to say because I'm not going to give up my favorite things in life (festivals and camping) just to sit around on the couch and watch tv mindlessly. He asked if he could stay and watch tv with me so I said yes because I was just going to take a nap anyway (I just got home from the festival and was tired). He put on a tv show about wrestling which I have 0 interest in but he's been trying to get me into it the whole time we've been together, as well as video games, but I am 46 years old and have no interest in childish things like that, those are guy hobbies anyway. Maybe i'm being harsh here but my point is he was constantly trying to shove his hobbies at me when he knew I hated them. I am a hippie who likes nature and music and eating healthy and spiritual things, we couldn't be any further apart in our interests and lifestyles. And I told him this, I said we don't have anything in common and are just too different. But he still wanted to stay together.

 

2 weeks later (yesterday) I made a comment on a friend's page on FB saying something like how much it sucks caring for someone and not wanting to hurt them but you know you arent right for each other. One of her friends took a screenshot of my comment and messaged it to him. Someone who doesn't know either of us. So my ex asked me if it was true. I said yes and we talked about this 2 weeks ago. He claims he doesn't remember me saying I was unhappy. Of course not, because he always just talks about himself and never had any response to anything I ever said! So then he goes into this rant about how he went to festivals with me as a sacrifice to our relationship to make me happy and what did I sacrifice for him! I paid for his festivals! I let him stay in hotels with me for free! I sat through countless hours of wresting and video games (yes, watching him play video games with his friends) and he's saying I didnt sacrifice anything? AND the fact that he considers going to a fun life changing festival a "sacrifice", that just won't fly with me. That is my favorite thing in life and if he thinks its a sacrifice to do that, nah we aren't gonna work. All my friends even noticed how bad he was for me and said months ago that I needed to find someone who would be a better fit for my lifestyle.

 

So I responded to him saying that and he just said 'whatever, we're done." without even responding to my explanations. I said dont you want someone who loves wrestling and watching tv and video games like you do? He said "She doesnt exist". Only 28 and already hopeless about finding the perfect girl. Which is why he latched on to me so quickly to try to get me to be his perfect girlfriend. Ain't happening! I am too much my own person, i have 2 more decades of personal development on him, I know who I am and what I want and being with him felt like I had an anchor on me. So anyway after that conversation he changed his status and quit talking to me. A few hours later I sent him a message that was nice and helpful and encouraging trying to get him to see that he will be better off with someone more like him and likewise for me. It was a long heartfelt message and he never replied to it. Instead he just said "I'm coming over tomorrow to get my things that you have." That was all he said. A few hours later I noticed he blocked me on FB so then I texted him saying "I was trying to communicate like an adult and you wont even respond to me. Your things will be outside my door." He didnt respond to that either and still has me blocked.

 

I totally understand the whole no contact thing but he was so quick to do it, it was literally only minutes after we broke up that he blocked me and never actually responded to my side of the story. I even told him I am hurting too and I want to be friends at least. No reply. He just blocked me and wont respond to anything. I think this behavior is childish and immature. Which I knew he was all along, but damn. I just don't understand how he cant have a conversation back and forth to give ourselves some closure. He just accused me of not sacrificing anything then blocked me on FB and wont respond to my text.

 

What kills me most is he thought I was his soulmate, he talked to me constantly, messaging me every chance he could, good morning and goodnight, he chased me for months in the beginning, and now he is the complete opposite, not even letting us finish this conversation and ending this on a good note. He is making it harder for both of us, it doesn't have to be this harsh. If he would just listen to me for once he would learn from this and grow but no, being like this is just going to make him more bitter about girls and he will just waste his life away sitting on his couch. He has a few friends but he was always complaining that they were low lives with no jobs and living with their parents. He eats crappy junk food all the time which doesn't help his disease, he doesn't do anything active, his parents barely talk to him, he hates his job, he has no one right now and he has a history of mental issues and depression so I feel horrible that this is happening. I feel like I am the best thing that happened to him because when we started dating he said he is the happiest he's ever been and might even go off the anti depressants. But we just weren't right for each other and now he has nothing going for him. And i feel bad for the position he's in, but he isn't letting me help the situation by blocking me. I just worry he will never be happy without a woman in his life and I am sorry I couldn't be that woman he so desperately needed me to be. So I feel guilty and sad about the whole relationship and how it ended.

Sorry this happened. 😕 It sounds like you dodged a bullet. Perhaps he wanted a pity party, a shoulder to cry on or an audience to his self destruction. Of course that is not a relationship. Uplifting partnership is, beyond a few months of fun. What will you do?

Sorry you're going through this.

 

Look, you gave it a try, had some fun, and ultimately realized it didn't work. Nothing to feel guilty about.

 

It's not your job to soothe him; that's just babying. He's a lot younger than you, yes, but he's very much an adult.

 

It sounds like the relationship was a bit mothering early, that maybe some of what you enjoyed was helping him through hard times, so you're still wanting to do so, even when you're now the hard times.

 

He'll be fine, as will you. Live, love, and learn.

Sorry this happened. 😕 It sounds like you dodged a bullet. Perhaps he wanted a pity party, a shoulder to cry on or an audience to his self destruction. Of course that is not a relationship. Uplifting partnership is, beyond a few months of fun. What will you do?

 

There is nothing I can do, if he wont respond to my messages and wont unblock me on FB. Just move on with my life and hope he is ok.

Sorry you're going through this.

 

Look, you gave it a try, had some fun, and ultimately realized it didn't work. Nothing to feel guilty about.

 

It's not your job to soothe him; that's just babying. He's a lot younger than you, yes, but he's very much an adult.

 

It sounds like the relationship was a bit mothering early, that maybe some of what you enjoyed was helping him through hard times, so you're still wanting to do so, even when you're now the hard times.

 

He'll be fine, as will you. Live, love, and learn.

 

Very profound sentence, about me now being the hard times! Ugh I hate caring so much about people. I genuinely didnt want to hurt him.

Ain't happening! I am too much my own person, i have 2 more decades of personal development on him, I know who I am and what I want

you sure about that?

 

You were a unhappy couple wherein you posted your disconnect on a social media site (very immature) rather then just leaving him due to your very obvious non compatibility.

 

Leave him alone. Neither of you need any further closure then what you've given one another already. Zero contact is the way to get to the stage of indifference to one another.

 

What he hates and his history of mental issues is no longer your concern. You can't fix him, he needs professional help for that so accept its over and that he has no desire to be demoted to just friend.

 

Don't feel guilty. Forgive yourself and learn from the very mistake of starting up with him in the first place when, according to your own words, "you are too much your own person, and you have two decades of personal development on him."

 

You'll both be quite fine without the other in your life.

you sure about that?

 

You were a unhappy couple wherein you posted your disconnect on a social media site (very immature) rather then just leaving him due to your very obvious non compatibility.

 

I dont think its immature to talk about your feelings on FB, it's the norm. And i didnt post it on my page or his page, so nobody that knows him or me even saw it (besides my 1 friend). It's the same as posting it on a forum like this.

 

Leave him alone. Neither of you need any further closure then what you've given one another already. Zero contact is the way to get to the stage of indifference to one another.

 

I am just a huge fan of closure because it helps you heal and erases all your questions and confusion. Communication is never a bad thing, in my eyes.

 

Don't feel guilty. Forgive yourself and learn from the very mistake of starting up with him in the first place when, according to your own words, "you are too much your own person, and you have two decades of personal development on him."

 

I dont like to call anything a mistake, just a learning experience. I learned that when someone is immature and self centered, that doesn't change just from you loving them. And also you can't really truly know a person until you've been in a relationship for a while so that makes it almost impossible to forsee how a relationship will go. I hate the feeling of not knowing what could have been. Better to have experienced than not.

Well, he’s being a bit unreasonable here , especially with the blocking and not listening .

 

But let’s be fair here , you know the guy has a black hole over him, perhaps you ought to try to make it work for a while , at least until you see him improve a little. If he’s really got nothing going for him , you owe him some help at least to get him on his feet .

I dont think its immature to talk about your feelings on FB, it's the norm.

It's also disrespectful to your other half for goodness sakes. You aren't 13 so take it to the source instead of causing drama and seeking attention by writing what you wrote.

 

And i didnt post it on my page or his page, so nobody that knows him or me even saw it (besides my 1 friend). It's the same as posting it on a forum like this.

Hardly when it got back to him like it did. Please take responsibility for your own actions or you will never be able to forgive yourself and let go of your guilt.

 

 

 

I am just a huge fan of closure because it helps you heal and erases all your questions and confusion. Communication is never a bad thing, in my eyes.

He knows why you broke up with him...you posted it on social media after all and he doesn't need any further closure from you... You already know why this ended so keeping a door open to one another is futile and useless. You give yourself closure, you don't get it from someone else and he seems to be at least mature enough to realize that and has done the right thing by going zero contact. You are looking for forgiveness from him so that you're not the bad guy... that is different then getting closure.

 

 

 

I dont like to call anything a mistake, just a learning experience. I learned that when someone is immature and self centered, that doesn't change just from you loving them. And also you can't really truly know a person until you've been in a relationship for a while so that makes it almost impossible to forsee how a relationship will go.

Well, you've seen how it will go so get on with your life without him in it and learn that your two decades of life experience should keep you away from someone that is less seasoned.

 

I hate the feeling of not knowing what could have been. Better to have experienced than not.

Then why feel guilty. You threw caution to the wind and you don't have to experience the "feeling of hate of not knowing." Done and done... move on sista.

 

Zero contact now and let him figure himself out without your help or interference.

 

Well, he’s being a bit unreasonable here , especially with the blocking and not listening .

 

But let’s be fair here , you know the guy has a black hole over him, perhaps you ought to try to make it work for a while , at least until you see him improve a little. If he’s really got nothing going for him , you owe him some help at least to get him on his feet .

 

She's not a professional therapist and your suggestion I'm afraid is the height of codependent enabling dialogue. It is better for him to keep no contact... after all it is HE that is not wanting to talk to her.

Well, he’s being a bit unreasonable here , especially with the blocking and not listening .

 

But let’s be fair here , you know the guy has a black hole over him, perhaps you ought to try to make it work for a while , at least until you see him improve a little. If he’s really got nothing going for him , you owe him some help at least to get him on his feet .

 

I could have stayed with him a little longer while I thought more about it. I guess fate stepped in. I really didnt think some stranger would take a screenshot of me talking about my feelings to my friend and show it to him. My friends are all telling me that was a blessing in disguise because they thought I should have left him months ago. I just wanted to avoid hurting him, but i guess no matter what that would have happened. I'm just sad he wont even talk to me to get closure. Like the last thing he said to me was he was coming to get his things he had here. And the last thing in response to our conversation was just "whatever", which he said to me a lot, which shows he was not open to discussing or accepting my feelings.

Pity and rescue are not sustainable love or compatibility. It's just a transitional thing.

I could have stayed with him a little longer while I thought more about it. I guess fate stepped in.

or a bad post on facebook

 

[quot] I really didnt think some stranger would take a screenshot of me talking about my feelings to my friend and show it to him. Now you know better.

 

My friends are all telling me that was a blessing in disguise because they thought I should have left him months ago. I just wanted to avoid hurting him, but i guess no matter what that would have happened.

I think by the looks of things, he isn't all that sussd that you've broken up. Hopefully he's bright enough to know he's better off out of a relationship of such incompatibility.

 

I'm just sad he wont even talk to me to get closure.

You gave yourself closure when you finally admitted to yourself that you were not good as lifemates. Stop looking to him to give you closure.

 

Like the last thing he said to me was he was coming to get his things he had here. And the last thing in response to our conversation was just "whatever", which he said to me a lot, which shows he was not open to discussing or accepting my feelings.

Your feelings? I thought you felt bad for him. You do say in your opening post title that your sad for him You were'nt happy and you hadn't been since the first six months in with him. You'll be just fine.

It's also disrespectful to your other half for goodness sakes. You aren't 13 so take it to the source instead of causing drama and seeking attention by writing what you wrote.

 

So you're basically saying that friends shouldn't talk to each other about their feelings regarding their relationships? This is an online friend so not someone I could have had this discussion with in person. And i wasn't saying it to get attention, I was saying it in response to HER post about not wanting to hurt someone they love, so I was relating to her.

 

He knows why you broke up with him...you posted it on social media after all and he doesn't need any further closure from you...

 

No I didnt post my reasons on social media, what I posted was my feelings about it being hard caring about someone and not wanting to hurt them. Nowhere on social media did I give any details about our relationship.

 

You are looking for forgiveness from him so that you're not the bad guy... that is different then getting closure.

 

No I dont need forgiveness, I just want him to be an active participant in an adult conversation where I explain what led up to this breakup so he can learn from it.

 

Then why feel guilty. You threw caution to the wind and you don't have to experience the "feeling of hate of not knowing." Done and done... move on sista.

 

I just feel guilty because he's been dumped by all his previous girlfriends and when we met I felt bad for him because of that, and i've always been drawn to emotionally broken guys because I feel bad and want to love them since they never got it anywhere else. But I guess there's a reason for that. I just get torn between wanting to make someone's life better and doing what is best for me.

So you're basically saying that friends shouldn't talk to each other about their feelings regarding their relationships?

Well, they shouldn't be posting them in writing on their facebook page. You may be tight in your privacy settings but clearly your online friend is not. Look where that got you. You said this: "2 weeks later (yesterday) I made a comment on a friend's page on FB saying something like how much it sucks caring for someone and not wanting to hurt them but you know you arent right for each other. One of her friends took a screenshot of my comment and messaged it to him."

 

This is an online friend so not someone I could have had this discussion with in person. And i wasn't saying it to get attention, I was saying it in response to HER post about not wanting to hurt someone they love, so I was relating to her.

An online friend? Have you never met this person you are spilling your inner most relationship feelings with?

 

 

 

No I didnt post my reasons on social media, what I posted was my feelings about it being hard caring about someone and not wanting to hurt them. Nowhere on social media did I give any details about our relationship.

You didn't have to. Where and what you posted was enough to have your partner know when it's time to exit. I suspect he was probably feeling that it needed to end anyway and you're 'confession' was the push he needed to accept.

 

 

 

No I dont need forgiveness, I just want him to be an active participant in an adult conversation where I explain what led up to this breakup so he can learn from it.

He can learn from it fine. He doesn't need you schooling him. You talked about it already so no point expecting him to sit there while you tell him what he did wrong yet again.

 

 

 

I just feel guilty because he's been dumped by all his previous girlfriends and when we met I felt bad for him because of that, and i've always been drawn to emotionally broken guys because I feel bad and want to love them since they never got it anywhere else.

codependent thinking at its finest. Are you familiar with codependency and a need to caretake (which is the dysfunctional opposite of *caregive*?)

 

But I guess there's a reason for that. I just get torn between wanting to make someone's life better and doing what is best for me.

You are the only person that you have 100% control over so do yourself a favor and stop trying to control and mold others. Read up on codependency and try to get yourself out of this Florence Nightingale pattern you've placed yourself in. A guy that doesn't need fixing is far more fulfilling to be with then the type you've been attracted to so far. You have to overcome your need to caretake first though or you'll never see the beauty in any well put together good guy.

 

Good luck... leave your ex to himself and you work on you (the only one you have any control over)

or a bad post on facebook

 

It wasn't a BAD post, it wasn't even a post, it was me commenting on my friends post relating to her about how we both feel the same about someone we care about and don't want to hurt.

 

I think by the looks of things, he isn't all that sussd that you've broken up. Hopefully he's bright enough to know he's better off out of a relationship of such incompatibility.

 

He knew we were incompatible after our conversation 2 weeks ago. Or I should say he SHOULD have known, because I told him outright but his response was to not respond and go on like normal like nothing happened. And I hope he eventually realizes he is better off with someone more compatible but that was never important to him, he just wanted a girlfriend. He always said our differences didnt matter, he was just happy to have someone that liked him.

 

You gave yourself closure when you finally admitted to yourself that you were not good as lifemates. Stop looking to him to give you closure.

 

Closure means "a sense of resolution or conclusion", there was no resolution or conclusion here because he left the conversation in the middle of it. Just stating my side and him not responding is not closure. For closure you need someone to acknowledge what you said and accept it, otherwise you're just talking to a wall.

 

Your feelings? I thought you felt bad for him. You do say in your opening post title that your sad for him You were'nt happy and you hadn't been since the first six months in with him. You'll be just fine.

 

Yes I do feel bad for him, and sad that he is hurting. I didnt contradict myself. And I know i'll be fine, this just happened 24 hours ago so it's still fresh.

It doesn't seem like he cared about you all that much. I'm sorry, OP, but some younger guys have this whole thing about fck'ing an older woman, as in they think you are easy and low maintenance. An easy fling. Please do yourself a favor and get over this. You aren't as important to him as you imagine yourself to be. Something tells me that he really wasn't looking for a mommy figure to make it all better for him and that he otherwise doesn't really need you as much as you think, thus why he walked away so quickly and has nothing to say to you. He doesn't care, OP.

OP You have a beautiful heart, you should work on acceptance and KNOW that you will always be desired. This will Pass

Well, they shouldn't be posting them in writing on their facebook page. You may be tight in your privacy settings but clearly your online friend is not. Look where that got you. You said this: "2 weeks later (yesterday) I made a comment on a friend's page on FB saying something like how much it sucks caring for someone and not wanting to hurt them but you know you arent right for each other. One of her friends took a screenshot of my comment and messaged it to him."

 

An online friend? Have you never met this person you are spilling your inner most relationship feelings with?

 

The settings had nothing to do with it, he didnt see the post. There is no way possible for him to have been able to stumble on it through FB. What happened was one of her friends decided to get involved and they screenshotted my comment and PM'ed it to him, which anyone can PM anyone regardless of their settings. And I did meet this girl I am friends with but we met at a festival 5 hours from here and connected, I dont see why that matters anyway because people talk about their relationships on FB all the time. I am friends with a few couples who have talked crap about each other publically on each others pages, I would never do that. I didn't even post about this breakup on my own page!

 

I suspect he was probably feeling that it needed to end anyway and you're 'confession' was the push he needed to accept.

 

No, his first response to seeing this post was confusion and he said "I thought we were going to work this out?" which was his assumption because the conversation we had 2 weeks ago was all one sided, I told him how I felt and his response was to not even say anything and just go on like nothing happened.

 

He can learn from it fine. He doesn't need you schooling him. You talked about it already so no point expecting him to sit there while you tell him what he did wrong yet again.

 

He clearly cannot learn from his breakups otherwise he would have changed after all those girls dumped him. Instead he blamed them and told me about what was wrong with them and conveniently avoided telling me why they broke up with him.

 

codependent thinking at its finest. Are you familiar with codependency and a need to caretake (which is the dysfunctional opposite of *caregive*?)

 

You are the only person that you have 100% control over so do yourself a favor and stop trying to control and mold others. Read up on codependency and try to get yourself out of this Florence Nightingale pattern you've placed yourself in. A guy that doesn't need fixing is far more fulfilling to be with then the type you've been attracted to so far. You have to overcome your need to caretake first though or you'll never see the beauty in any well put together good guy.

 

Good luck... leave your ex to himself and you work on you (the only one you have any control over)

 

It isnt being co-dependent, its called being an empath. Empaths are people who care about others so much that it hurts them because they feel what the other person feels. I've taken co-dependent tests before and it doesn't fit me.

It doesn't seem like he cared about you all that much. I'm sorry, OP, but some younger guys have this whole thing about fck'ing an older woman, as in they think you are easy and low maintenance. An easy fling. Please do yourself a favor and get over this. You aren't as important to him as you imagine yourself to be. Something tells me that he really wasn't looking for a mommy figure to make it all better for him and that he otherwise doesn't really need you as much as you think, thus why he walked away so quickly and has nothing to say to you. He doesn't care, OP.

 

He wasn't using me for sex, we never even had sex. He called me his soulmate and kept asking if he could move in with me or buy a place together. He would make comments about buying me a ring but I would respond no I never want to get married. He even told me once that he would be finally happy once he is married with a house with a white picket fence and he is rich and famous. He clearly thinks living the perfect American dream is the answer and I told him he was too materialistic and he had no response to that.

He wasn't using me for sex, we never even had sex. He called me his soulmate and kept asking if he could move in with me or buy a place together. He would make comments about buying me a ring but I would respond no I never want to get married. He even told me once that he would be finally happy once he is married with a house with a white picket fence and he is rich and famous. He clearly thinks living the perfect American dream is the answer and I told him he was too materialistic and he had no response to that.

 

You never had sex? Why not? You dated for nine months.

Didn't that strike you as odd?🤔

we never even had sex.

You are stepping into the rescuer role in this relationship, but you know that it's not going to work out long-term. As much as you'd like to give him the whole closure speech, that will do nothing for him, as he doesn't need it and is moving on the best way that he knows how. I understand how that can be, that's what my ex did to me a few months ago--block, delete on EVERYTHING within the hour. He told me he does this in order to move on, he even burns and trashes photos, etc. Similarly, he loved watching MMA, horror films, heavy metal music, video games, etc. basically everything that frazzles me that I can't pretend to sit through. I think these situations can work as long as you find a balance and keep those hobbies separate (I don't see why women and men have to like and do all the same things, but I do think it's good to establish a few new hobbies together) or only occasionally partake with your partner if it doesn't appeal to the other, and while he didn't force me into anything, he was upset because he wanted to do that in place of dates since he saw it as killing two birds with one stone. It sounds like this guy was the same way.

 

But really, it's not your responsibility whether this man finds happiness with a woman. I feel like it's bringing out your mothering side. Sometimes people need to be forced into a situation where they have to evaluate what they are doing that is contributing to their life situation rather than blaming everything else. He is not taking responsibility for his disease with his poor diet, he's holed himself into his room in a depressive state with few friends, he seems self-centered from what you've detailed here, hasn't established himself in a proper career, etc. I'm glad he at least is under the care of a therapist, presumably. The last thing he needs is a woman to bail him out. He needs to realize that the way he is approaching life isn't working for him and this isn't anything that you can learn on his behalf. He's not in the best place to have a relationship with anyone, much less with you. Your words would be wasted on him, anyway, as he's not in the place to hear it. Your closure talk would probably feel pointless and patronizing to him.

You never had sex? Why not? You dated for nine months.

 

Partly because I am on the fertility awareness method of birth control which only gives you a few safe days out of each cycle to have sex in (I do NOT want kids), and we could only see each other on the weekends that i didn't have a festival or a camping trip, he did go with me to a few festivals but they didn't coincide with my safe days. We did oral sex a few times though. And there were like 2 or 3 times where we could have had sex safely but I was waiting until I was ready, it always felt wrong. It felt like I wasn't getting a deep emotional mental connection from him because he was so self centered and shallow. He kept telling me sex didnt matter though, he was just happy to have a girlfriend. So he never pressured me for it.

Didn't that strike you as odd?🤔

 

It did bother me that I never had the desire to, and that was because I wasn't getting a deep connection from him. We never had any deep serious conversations, he never ask about my life, it seemed like I only existed to make him happy. I am not a real sexual person anyway, I only had sex with my previous boyfriends 5-6 times, and this guy knew that and he said it didnt matter, he was just happy to be with me.

Partly because I am on the fertility awareness method of birth control which only gives you a few safe days out of each cycle to have sex in (I do NOT want kids), and we could only see each other on the weekends that i didn't have a festival or a camping trip, he did go with me to a few festivals but they didn't coincide with my safe days. We did oral sex a few times though. And there were like 2 or 3 times where we could have had sex safely but I was waiting until I was ready, it always felt wrong. It felt like I wasn't getting a deep emotional mental connection from him because he was so self centered and shallow. He kept telling me sex didnt matter though, he was just happy to have a girlfriend. So he never pressured me for it.

I think you are better off single at this point in your life or with someone who has had a vasectomy.

 

Be glad your both clear of one another and stop obsessing about your ex and the semi-relationship you were in with him.