Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 25 1234 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 250

Thread: Feeling guilty and sad for my ex after we broke up

  1. #1
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Posts
    829

    Feeling guilty and sad for my ex after we broke up

    I guess I just need to vent, I feel alone and came here to talk about my breakup and hopefully get some replies that make me feel better.

    Me and my ex dated for 9 months. I am 46 and he is 28, huge age difference but he said it would work and I look way younger than I am so we gave it a shot. He chased me hard for months before we dated, I was just always busy going to music festivals and camping. When we started dating, I liked him a lot, he made me laugh and we had fun together. And he treated me good.

    He had horrible luck with life, he wasnt planned and his parents treated him worse than his siblings, all the girls he dated left him, he hadnt dated anyone for 5 years before I came along, he got kicked out of the army because he got Crohns Disease and one of his best friends died. So because of all that stuff happening, he had a nervous breakdown and got put on anti depressants. We worked together and one of our coworkers told me he tried to date her too but she said he was too childish and immature. I noticed that in the beginning too but thought he would be different in a relationship, so I gave him a chance.

    About 6 months in, I started to feel unhappy for a few reasons, mainly because he never had deep conversation with me other than when he was telling me about his problems in life. He would hardly ever have anything to say about my life, and had a way of turning every conversation back into being about him. He never once asked me about my childhood or my past, he was just always talking about his. And another reason I was unhappy was because literally all he ever wanted to do was watch tv and play video games. Which was ok when we first started dating because it was winter. Then summer came and that's when I go to music festivals and camping almost every weekend. I paid for him to go to a few music festivals with me, but the last one he left early saying he wasn't having fun and he went home without saying goodbye (i was dancing up in the crowd). I sent him a message on FB (how we communicated 99% of the time) saying if he can't enjoy the thing that means the most to me, I dont know how we can work this out. The next day he came over and explained why he left but he said he still wants to be with me, and I said I didnt know what to say because I'm not going to give up my favorite things in life (festivals and camping) just to sit around on the couch and watch tv mindlessly. He asked if he could stay and watch tv with me so I said yes because I was just going to take a nap anyway (I just got home from the festival and was tired). He put on a tv show about wrestling which I have 0 interest in but he's been trying to get me into it the whole time we've been together, as well as video games, but I am 46 years old and have no interest in childish things like that, those are guy hobbies anyway. Maybe i'm being harsh here but my point is he was constantly trying to shove his hobbies at me when he knew I hated them. I am a hippie who likes nature and music and eating healthy and spiritual things, we couldn't be any further apart in our interests and lifestyles. And I told him this, I said we don't have anything in common and are just too different. But he still wanted to stay together.

    2 weeks later (yesterday) I made a comment on a friend's page on FB saying something like how much it sucks caring for someone and not wanting to hurt them but you know you arent right for each other. One of her friends took a screenshot of my comment and messaged it to him. Someone who doesn't know either of us. So my ex asked me if it was true. I said yes and we talked about this 2 weeks ago. He claims he doesn't remember me saying I was unhappy. Of course not, because he always just talks about himself and never had any response to anything I ever said! So then he goes into this rant about how he went to festivals with me as a sacrifice to our relationship to make me happy and what did I sacrifice for him! I paid for his festivals! I let him stay in hotels with me for free! I sat through countless hours of wresting and video games (yes, watching him play video games with his friends) and he's saying I didnt sacrifice anything? AND the fact that he considers going to a fun life changing festival a "sacrifice", that just won't fly with me. That is my favorite thing in life and if he thinks its a sacrifice to do that, nah we aren't gonna work. All my friends even noticed how bad he was for me and said months ago that I needed to find someone who would be a better fit for my lifestyle.

    So I responded to him saying that and he just said 'whatever, we're done." without even responding to my explanations. I said dont you want someone who loves wrestling and watching tv and video games like you do? He said "She doesnt exist". Only 28 and already hopeless about finding the perfect girl. Which is why he latched on to me so quickly to try to get me to be his perfect girlfriend. Ain't happening! I am too much my own person, i have 2 more decades of personal development on him, I know who I am and what I want and being with him felt like I had an anchor on me. So anyway after that conversation he changed his status and quit talking to me. A few hours later I sent him a message that was nice and helpful and encouraging trying to get him to see that he will be better off with someone more like him and likewise for me. It was a long heartfelt message and he never replied to it. Instead he just said "I'm coming over tomorrow to get my things that you have." That was all he said. A few hours later I noticed he blocked me on FB so then I texted him saying "I was trying to communicate like an adult and you wont even respond to me. Your things will be outside my door." He didnt respond to that either and still has me blocked.

    I totally understand the whole no contact thing but he was so quick to do it, it was literally only minutes after we broke up that he blocked me and never actually responded to my side of the story. I even told him I am hurting too and I want to be friends at least. No reply. He just blocked me and wont respond to anything. I think this behavior is childish and immature. Which I knew he was all along, but damn. I just don't understand how he cant have a conversation back and forth to give ourselves some closure. He just accused me of not sacrificing anything then blocked me on FB and wont respond to my text.

    What kills me most is he thought I was his soulmate, he talked to me constantly, messaging me every chance he could, good morning and goodnight, he chased me for months in the beginning, and now he is the complete opposite, not even letting us finish this conversation and ending this on a good note. He is making it harder for both of us, it doesn't have to be this harsh. If he would just listen to me for once he would learn from this and grow but no, being like this is just going to make him more bitter about girls and he will just waste his life away sitting on his couch. He has a few friends but he was always complaining that they were low lives with no jobs and living with their parents. He eats crappy junk food all the time which doesn't help his disease, he doesn't do anything active, his parents barely talk to him, he hates his job, he has no one right now and he has a history of mental issues and depression so I feel horrible that this is happening. I feel like I am the best thing that happened to him because when we started dating he said he is the happiest he's ever been and might even go off the anti depressants. But we just weren't right for each other and now he has nothing going for him. And i feel bad for the position he's in, but he isn't letting me help the situation by blocking me. I just worry he will never be happy without a woman in his life and I am sorry I couldn't be that woman he so desperately needed me to be. So I feel guilty and sad about the whole relationship and how it ended.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    28,185
    Gender
    Male
    Sorry this happened. 😕 It sounds like you dodged a bullet. Perhaps he wanted a pity party, a shoulder to cry on or an audience to his self destruction. Of course that is not a relationship. Uplifting partnership is, beyond a few months of fun. What will you do?

  3. #3
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    572
    Gender
    Male
    Sorry you're going through this.

    Look, you gave it a try, had some fun, and ultimately realized it didn't work. Nothing to feel guilty about.

    It's not your job to soothe him; that's just babying. He's a lot younger than you, yes, but he's very much an adult.

    It sounds like the relationship was a bit mothering early, that maybe some of what you enjoyed was helping him through hard times, so you're still wanting to do so, even when you're now the hard times.

    He'll be fine, as will you. Live, love, and learn.

  4. #4
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Posts
    829
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry this happened. 😕 It sounds like you dodged a bullet. Perhaps he wanted a pity party, a shoulder to cry on or an audience to his self destruction. Of course that is not a relationship. Uplifting partnership is, beyond a few months of fun. What will you do?
    There is nothing I can do, if he wont respond to my messages and wont unblock me on FB. Just move on with my life and hope he is ok.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Posts
    829
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Sorry you're going through this.

    Look, you gave it a try, had some fun, and ultimately realized it didn't work. Nothing to feel guilty about.

    It's not your job to soothe him; that's just babying. He's a lot younger than you, yes, but he's very much an adult.

    It sounds like the relationship was a bit mothering early, that maybe some of what you enjoyed was helping him through hard times, so you're still wanting to do so, even when you're now the hard times.

    He'll be fine, as will you. Live, love, and learn.
    Very profound sentence, about me now being the hard times! Ugh I hate caring so much about people. I genuinely didnt want to hurt him.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Central Canada
    Posts
    11,918
    Gender
    Female
    Ain't happening! I am too much my own person, i have 2 more decades of personal development on him, I know who I am and what I want
    you sure about that?

    You were a unhappy couple wherein you posted your disconnect on a social media site (very immature) rather then just leaving him due to your very obvious non compatibility.

    Leave him alone. Neither of you need any further closure then what you've given one another already. Zero contact is the way to get to the stage of indifference to one another.

    What he hates and his history of mental issues is no longer your concern. You can't fix him, he needs professional help for that so accept its over and that he has no desire to be demoted to just friend.

    Don't feel guilty. Forgive yourself and learn from the very mistake of starting up with him in the first place when, according to your own words, "you are too much your own person, and you have two decades of personal development on him."

    You'll both be quite fine without the other in your life.

  8. #7
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Posts
    829
    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    you sure about that?

    You were a unhappy couple wherein you posted your disconnect on a social media site (very immature) rather then just leaving him due to your very obvious non compatibility.
    I dont think its immature to talk about your feelings on FB, it's the norm. And i didnt post it on my page or his page, so nobody that knows him or me even saw it (besides my 1 friend). It's the same as posting it on a forum like this.

    Leave him alone. Neither of you need any further closure then what you've given one another already. Zero contact is the way to get to the stage of indifference to one another.
    I am just a huge fan of closure because it helps you heal and erases all your questions and confusion. Communication is never a bad thing, in my eyes.

    Don't feel guilty. Forgive yourself and learn from the very mistake of starting up with him in the first place when, according to your own words, "you are too much your own person, and you have two decades of personal development on him."
    I dont like to call anything a mistake, just a learning experience. I learned that when someone is immature and self centered, that doesn't change just from you loving them. And also you can't really truly know a person until you've been in a relationship for a while so that makes it almost impossible to forsee how a relationship will go. I hate the feeling of not knowing what could have been. Better to have experienced than not.

  9. #8
    Bronze Member Viceroy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Posts
    161
    Well, he’s being a bit unreasonable here , especially with the blocking and not listening .

    But let’s be fair here , you know the guy has a black hole over him, perhaps you ought to try to make it work for a while , at least until you see him improve a little. If he’s really got nothing going for him , you owe him some help at least to get him on his feet .

  10. #9
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Central Canada
    Posts
    11,918
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Rockchick26
    I dont think its immature to talk about your feelings on FB, it's the norm.
    It's also disrespectful to your other half for goodness sakes. You aren't 13 so take it to the source instead of causing drama and seeking attention by writing what you wrote.

    And i didnt post it on my page or his page, so nobody that knows him or me even saw it (besides my 1 friend). It's the same as posting it on a forum like this.
    Hardly when it got back to him like it did. Please take responsibility for your own actions or you will never be able to forgive yourself and let go of your guilt.



    I am just a huge fan of closure because it helps you heal and erases all your questions and confusion. Communication is never a bad thing, in my eyes.
    He knows why you broke up with him...you posted it on social media after all and he doesn't need any further closure from you... You already know why this ended so keeping a door open to one another is futile and useless. You give yourself closure, you don't get it from someone else and he seems to be at least mature enough to realize that and has done the right thing by going zero contact. You are looking for forgiveness from him so that you're not the bad guy... that is different then getting closure.



    I dont like to call anything a mistake, just a learning experience. I learned that when someone is immature and self centered, that doesn't change just from you loving them. And also you can't really truly know a person until you've been in a relationship for a while so that makes it almost impossible to forsee how a relationship will go.
    Well, you've seen how it will go so get on with your life without him in it and learn that your two decades of life experience should keep you away from someone that is less seasoned.

    I hate the feeling of not knowing what could have been. Better to have experienced than not.
    Then why feel guilty. You threw caution to the wind and you don't have to experience the "feeling of hate of not knowing." Done and done... move on sista.

    Zero contact now and let him figure himself out without your help or interference.

    Originally Posted by Viceroy
    Well, he’s being a bit unreasonable here , especially with the blocking and not listening .

    But let’s be fair here , you know the guy has a black hole over him, perhaps you ought to try to make it work for a while , at least until you see him improve a little. If he’s really got nothing going for him , you owe him some help at least to get him on his feet .
    She's not a professional therapist and your suggestion I'm afraid is the height of codependent enabling dialogue. It is better for him to keep no contact... after all it is HE that is not wanting to talk to her.

  11. #10
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Posts
    829
    Originally Posted by Viceroy
    Well, he’s being a bit unreasonable here , especially with the blocking and not listening .

    But let’s be fair here , you know the guy has a black hole over him, perhaps you ought to try to make it work for a while , at least until you see him improve a little. If he’s really got nothing going for him , you owe him some help at least to get him on his feet .
    I could have stayed with him a little longer while I thought more about it. I guess fate stepped in. I really didnt think some stranger would take a screenshot of me talking about my feelings to my friend and show it to him. My friends are all telling me that was a blessing in disguise because they thought I should have left him months ago. I just wanted to avoid hurting him, but i guess no matter what that would have happened. I'm just sad he wont even talk to me to get closure. Like the last thing he said to me was he was coming to get his things he had here. And the last thing in response to our conversation was just "whatever", which he said to me a lot, which shows he was not open to discussing or accepting my feelings.

Page 1 of 25 1234 ... LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •