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Partner's sister is a nightmare


SherrySher

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I honestly don't know how to deal with this anymore.

My partner has a sister who is older than him. She is very bossy and pushy. She can act like a spoiled brat, despite being a grown woman (48 years old).

 

When we first met she and I didn't get off on a good foot as she was telling me lies about a silly situation. The truth came out and I called her on it and why she felt she had to lie.

She got into a huff and refused to speak to me for over six months. That was fine.

 

She has calmed down slightly but treats my partner like a mindless child. To some degree, I understand it's because it's her little brother but to another, it's like she see's him as incapable and inept.

None of it is true, he is quite capable and responsible. But that's another annoyance, no matter how badly she treats him, he bends to her and won't ever say anything to her.

 

I still have tried my hardest to get past all of it. I've always befriended a partners mom or sister(s). But she is cold as ice.

I send her messages from time to time to say hi, how are you, etc. I try to be friendly. I don't ever expect us to be bff's but at the very least, friends.

It never works.

She replies with one word, sometimes a thumbs up or a short sentence. She is very cold.

 

Her and my partner as well talk constantly and it leaves me feeling out in the cold. I don't have any problems what so ever with him being close to his sister but I do feel crap for basically being shut out all the time. (as in, she refuses to speak to me or acknowledge that I am in his life).

 

I've spoken to my partner about this and he has no idea how to change this.

 

Do I just deal with it? I guess I don't have much choice but how she is constantly crappy to me really get's on my nerves. It's not deserved and she has never even given me a chance to get to know me.

 

It gives me a headache.

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How long have you been dating?

 

You will not like this answer, but here goes: this is who she is, and this is his & her dynamic: she pushes and bosses him around, and he allows it. She tells lies, and he shrugs. She's been doing this for 48 years, and you are relatively new in their lives.

 

This is what it is, and you will have to accept it and go with the flow.

 

I get it, she sounds like an awful piece of work.

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We've been together over a year now. And I agree with you, it's a messed up dynamic that they've both gotten used to but it's so difficult to get used to.

 

I literally sit there sometimes in shock how he allows her to walk all over him and he says he's just used to it being that way.

 

Despite though, I still do my best to have patience with it, to be nice to her...it's useless. She's a bully.

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My husband's sister is a liar and full of fanciful stories about all sorts of things. She's known as the family liar and to be full of BS. People just seem to let her rant and basically ignore her wacky comments. I had a tough time at first with her because she told some real whopper lies to family members about me and I'd never had anyone do that to me before. She used to tell the relatives that my hubby would phone her and ask her advice about how to get rid of me! This was not true, he didnt want to break up with me. She's got a few screws loose and I think people just let her carry on as she does because they know she's not all there.

 

So how did I deal with it? I learned to ignore her. I learned to not let her get to me. I avoid her at all costs. We dont live near her so no chance of running into her anywhere.

 

Somehow you have to accept she is what she is, you cant change her. The only person you control is youself so you figure out how to deal with her and then do it. Dont let her get to you. Yes it's hard but there's no other choice.

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@ Melancholy, I know you're absolutely right. I just felt the need to vent. It get's to be too much some days, you know?

 

She is like nothing I have ever dealt with before. I haven't had loads of partners, but a fair enough to know that family normally is not this terrible.

She is a total drama queen on top of it.

Evvvvvveryone has to know when she is angry or upset or had a bad day. Seriously, she will either post on FB or message loads of people or ring people. They HAVE to know how bad it is for her.

 

This is what I mean about her shutting me out.

I will send a message for example: Hi :) How is your vacation? Her answer: fine. Have you done anything fun? Not so far.

Then silence....okay then.

 

10 mins later she is sending partner a message 2 pages long on how it is all going and what she's up to.

Grrrrr.

Again, I am glad she tries to stay close to her brother but I don't deserve to get treated like day old poo. On top of it, I didn't do anything to this woman.

 

She also yells at him, punish's when he doesn't do as she says, bullies.

Gawd sakes...I cannot believe I am dealing with this at this stage in my life.

 

He is more than worth it to get past it, but some days are really tough.

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Oh gawd, she's one of thooooose. Can't stand people like her. Have to post all over Facebook every little upset, just to garner likes, sympathy messages, "poor dear's", etc.

 

I've hidden "her" more times than I can count.

 

Extremely insecure, extraordinarily needy, and thinks the world revolves around her. Got it. Ugh.

 

He will never be able to do anything about it, because he's caught in the center of her little web, and he has been his entire life.

 

Minimize contact with her. Pleasantries only. Treat her as a professional contact: courteous, polite, short & sweet.

 

Lower your expectations of her. If you text to ask how she is, and she gives you a 4-word answer, and then types your partner 2 pages, well, that's what you expect from her.

 

You will never get the warm & fuzzies from her. Ever.

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@ LHGirl Yep, she is one of those. Sigh.

 

All of it has stressed me out more than once. I guess I too have to get used to how it is with him and his family. The acceptance bit has been difficult though.

I was friends with sisters of partners in the past. It was nice. We could all meet for lunch, joke around together, have a good chat, even message now and then on how we're doing on a friend level.

I can't recall ever being really close friends with anyone's sister but it was always nice and comfortable.

 

This situation ain't ever gonna be like that. It saddens and disappoints me to be quite honest. There is always drama brewing on her end and she always drags partner into it somehow.

 

He has even said to me to not bother sending her a christmas gift as he knows what she is like and she will criticize it and put it down. (as she's apparently done this in the past with other people).

THAT made me sad too. It just can't be nice. :(

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My husband’s sister has turned into a drill sergeant since her parents got old and sick. She tries to order people around even my husband . She is his younger sister. And he told me she was quite the diva as a kid and would just screeched to get her own way and her dad would give in.

 

Last year she screamed and swore at my husband hung up the phone on him when her parents were sick and he offered to help as much as he could but it wasn’t good enough for her . She also stood him up for a football game in a city six hours away . Since that time I have been ready to drop kick her off the planet . She doesn’t know what’s coming down the pike after her parents die . My husband may pander to her because he doesn’t want to be schooled by his parents but I sure as heck am not. When her parents die she will be finding out exactly what I think of her bullying and diva tactics . She can bite my .....

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I was friends with sisters of partners in the past. It was nice. We could all meet for lunch, joke around together, have a good chat, even message now and then on how we're doing on a friend level.

 

He has even said to me to not bother sending her a christmas gift as he knows what she is like and she will criticize it and put it down. (as she's apparently done this in the past with other people).

THAT made me sad too. It just can't be nice. :(

 

Yeah, you're never going to sit with her for lunch. Not gonna happen.

 

Re: Xmas.....does she live nearby? Will you be spending Xmas with his family, and will you see her? If so, a Xmas card with a gift card (i.e. Amazon) is a nice thing to do, moderate dollar amount. If she criticizes it, so what? Just because she's a critical, miserable human, you can still be the nice, bigger person that you know you are, and give her a gift that you'd like to give.

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Oh, Seraphim I can so relate! I am right there with you!

 

It is a very tough thing to swallow and I'd love to tell her what I think but right now isn't the time and no doubt it will be futile.

Absolutely. I am bidding my time too. But ya know, karma is a bytch and she’s a comin sooner than they think.

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My husband's sister is a liar and full of fanciful stories about all sorts of things. She's known as the family liar and to be full of BS. People just seem to let her rant and basically ignore her wacky comments. I had a tough time at first with her because she told some real whopper lies to family members about me and I'd never had anyone do that to me before. She used to tell the relatives that my hubby would phone her and ask her advice about how to get rid of me! This was not true, he didnt want to break up with me. She's got a few screws loose and I think people just let her carry on as she does because they know she's not all there.

 

So how did I deal with it? I learned to ignore her. I learned to not let her get to me. I avoid her at all costs. We dont live near her so no chance of running into her anywhere.

 

Somehow you have to accept she is what she is, you cant change her. The only person you control is youself so you figure out how to deal with her and then do it. Dont let her get to you. Yes it's hard but there's no other choice.

 

I am with Mel.

 

Sherry, it won't change. The one thing I would stop doing, is reaching out to her. Deal with her when you see her, and that's it.

 

Listen to the bf, No gifts.

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I think you are just going to have to accept that you two won't become friends who pal around and lunch together. It would be nice, but she doesn't want that.

 

Ignore her. The more attention you give it, and her, the worse it will be for her. She isn't likely going to change, and neither is her dynamic with your boyfriend. That's up to them to figure out.

 

Choose your battles, is all. It's frustrating, but there's really nothing more you can do.

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Thanks guys. This is literally the first time I have encountered this kind of thing. I had patience with it the first few months, after all, I am new, she wasn't used to her brother having a partner and so on.

But over a year later and she's still acting snitty, bullying and childish..it really grates me.

 

I don't understand some people, I mean, life is hard enough, why make things miserable when there is no need? It really brings upset where it's not needed.

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Re: Xmas.....does she live nearby? Will you be spending Xmas with his family, and will you see her?

 

No, we're not spending christmas together but I suggested at least an exchange of small gifts. Bf said no as he said she won't appreciate it and will criticize whatever I get.

Basically it would be a waste of time. He said she does this with the majority of the presents she receives.

 

How miserable can one person be? I'd be grateful if I was even thought of.

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In this case, it's better to pull back and just be cordial. Stop messaging her. There is no reason you need to befriend a bf's sister. Don't waste time trying to make anyone like you. Unfortunately your bf is correct. She won't change.

Her and my partner as well talk constantly and it leaves me feeling out in the cold. I've spoken to my partner about this and he has no idea how to change this.

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I wish it were that easy, Wiseman, truly.

 

Without going into detail, this woman affects my bf's life more than you know. It has caused issues between us more than once. She seems to love drama and loves to cause upsets.

I do stay away from her and the messages have been few and far between. I sent a few to try to make things a bit better more for my bf's sake as he was complaining about his sister and why things can't go well. It's out of my hands though.

 

I know she won't change I really do wish more than anything that bf would stand up to her. He never does. The dynamic is more than messed up.

 

It's difficult to give the whole scope of the picture without being too personal.

I guess my only option is to accept, if I want to be with him, but it sure is a bitter pill to swallow. She makes things ugly when they don't need to be.

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Unfortunately this is his issue and his battle. Not much you can do about a lifetime of whatever family dynamic they have. Save yourself the headaches and let them carry on. Remove yourself from the equation.

 

If he starts complaining about it, change the subject or be neutral/indifferent such as "it is what it is", "oh", etc. Do not take sides or try to "rescue" him from her. That is what is causing all the unnecessary headaches.

I sent a few to try to make things a bit better more for my bf's sake as he was complaining about his sister and why things can't go well. I really do wish more than anything that bf would stand up to her. He never does.
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Has he told you much about how this dynamic with his sister came about?

Any insight on his part as to why he lets her walk over him and any desire to change that?

 

I get the need to vent sometimes. I don't even want to post about my bfs sister as I might not stop once I start lol. She's never been mean to me but I bite my tongue and am on absolute best behaviour when it comes to her. My bf does have insight into it though but it's hard watching or hearing about sometimes.

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Instead of viewing myself as 'left out,' I'd be the one leaving myself out. I'd be kind to her at family gatherings or whenever partner invites her over. Beyond that, I'd leave partner alone to conduct whatever kind of relationship with her that he wants to have. If he wants 'us' to go visit her, I'd pass and tell him to have a great time. I'd block her feeds on social media and skip texting her. If she ever offers an olive branch, I'd touch it kindly but without investment.

 

There's no rule that says we must insert ourselves into the lives of a partner's family or friends beyond any degree we're comfortable with. The fact that she's a miserable person IS your revenge, because she'll always need to BE her.

 

Head high, and focus on more important things.

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I hear you Sherry! Trying to be nice to her isnt working. I think she knows exactly what she's doing, which is letting you get drawn into her drama, then she does something unpleasant towards you. Maybe stop messaging her since it never goes well. Dont engage her on social media. I bet you'd feel a lot better if you did those things. I'm lucky my SIL doesnt have a computer and she only has hubby's cell # so she cant actually contact me. Even when we had a land line I would not answer the phone if I saw her name on call display.

 

Control what you can control and do your best to block out the rest.

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Thanks guys. This is literally the first time I have encountered this kind of thing. I had patience with it the first few months, after all, I am new, she wasn't used to her brother having a partner and so on.

But over a year later and she's still acting snitty, bullying and childish..it really grates me.

 

I don't understand some people, I mean, life is hard enough, why make things miserable when there is no need? It really brings upset where it's not needed.

 

Again, I hear you! I'd never been treated so poorly as when I met hubby's sis. I knew she was weird but not to the extent she actually is. I'd end up so upset at the things she'd say to other people about me, it was so hard on me. What also bugged me is nobody ever told her to knock it off. They knew she was full of sh1t but she got away with it because she's unbalanced. She's not stupid, she's well educated, she's just not normal. Somehow that justifies her bad actions towards me.

 

This is where you back off trying to be friendly with her, because it's not going to work. You give her ammunition when you call or text or otherwise try to be a good and decent person towards her. Stop doing that and see how the dynamic changes. Of course it should not be necessary but you are not dealing with a rational person. Her actions speak volumes about her and there has to be something deep seated in her for her to behave as she does.

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Has he told you much about how this dynamic with his sister came about?

Any insight on his part as to why he lets her walk over him and any desire to change that?

 

Yes, absolutely. I don't feel right about going into the personal aspects of it online. But it has been a rough go for him. I feel at this point in his life it's more like an abusers mentality where even though you know this person has ruined your life, you desperately feel the need for their acceptance and validation.

 

I know it's not my issue and it's his and his alone to sort through, but her bullying has not included me and I am not one to be a doormat.

I haven't said barely anything to her but I do feel unsettled how this continues on and on.

 

I know what my two choices are but it's still tough.

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Sadly it may be time to reevaluate him and your relationship with him. Especially if it is affecting you and your relationship this much.

 

You can't control him, her or whatever dynamic they have. You can't go on "protecting" him from himself. And that's what it is because he could have more boundaries...if he wanted that... but he doesn't. 🙁

 

And that is where your decision to stay with him or not comes in.. Also reflect on why you feel the need to fix this or him or his sibling/family dynamic.

I feel at this point in his life it's more like an abusers mentality where even though you know this person has ruined your life, you desperately feel the need for their acceptance and validation.
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