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Thread: Partner's sister is a nightmare

  1. #21
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Instead of viewing myself as 'left out,' I'd be the one leaving myself out. I'd be kind to her at family gatherings or whenever partner invites her over. Beyond that, I'd leave partner alone to conduct whatever kind of relationship with her that he wants to have. If he wants 'us' to go visit her, I'd pass and tell him to have a great time. I'd block her feeds on social media and skip texting her. If she ever offers an olive branch, I'd touch it kindly but without investment.

    There's no rule that says we must insert ourselves into the lives of a partner's family or friends beyond any degree we're comfortable with. The fact that she's a miserable person IS your revenge, because she'll always need to BE her.

    Head high, and focus on more important things.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I hear you Sherry! Trying to be nice to her isnt working. I think she knows exactly what she's doing, which is letting you get drawn into her drama, then she does something unpleasant towards you. Maybe stop messaging her since it never goes well. Dont engage her on social media. I bet you'd feel a lot better if you did those things. I'm lucky my SIL doesnt have a computer and she only has hubby's cell # so she cant actually contact me. Even when we had a land line I would not answer the phone if I saw her name on call display.

    Control what you can control and do your best to block out the rest.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Thanks guys. This is literally the first time I have encountered this kind of thing. I had patience with it the first few months, after all, I am new, she wasn't used to her brother having a partner and so on.
    But over a year later and she's still acting snitty, bullying and childish..it really grates me.

    I don't understand some people, I mean, life is hard enough, why make things miserable when there is no need? It really brings upset where it's not needed.
    Again, I hear you! I'd never been treated so poorly as when I met hubby's sis. I knew she was weird but not to the extent she actually is. I'd end up so upset at the things she'd say to other people about me, it was so hard on me. What also bugged me is nobody ever told her to knock it off. They knew she was full of sh1t but she got away with it because she's unbalanced. She's not stupid, she's well educated, she's just not normal. Somehow that justifies her bad actions towards me.

    This is where you back off trying to be friendly with her, because it's not going to work. You give her ammunition when you call or text or otherwise try to be a good and decent person towards her. Stop doing that and see how the dynamic changes. Of course it should not be necessary but you are not dealing with a rational person. Her actions speak volumes about her and there has to be something deep seated in her for her to behave as she does.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Has he told you much about how this dynamic with his sister came about?
    Any insight on his part as to why he lets her walk over him and any desire to change that?
    Yes, absolutely. I don't feel right about going into the personal aspects of it online. But it has been a rough go for him. I feel at this point in his life it's more like an abusers mentality where even though you know this person has ruined your life, you desperately feel the need for their acceptance and validation.

    I know it's not my issue and it's his and his alone to sort through, but her bullying has not included me and I am not one to be a doormat.
    I haven't said barely anything to her but I do feel unsettled how this continues on and on.

    I know what my two choices are but it's still tough.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sadly it may be time to reevaluate him and your relationship with him. Especially if it is affecting you and your relationship this much.

    You can't control him, her or whatever dynamic they have. You can't go on "protecting" him from himself. And that's what it is because he could have more boundaries...if he wanted that... but he doesn't. 🙁

    And that is where your decision to stay with him or not comes in.. Also reflect on why you feel the need to fix this or him or his sibling/family dynamic.
    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    I feel at this point in his life it's more like an abusers mentality where even though you know this person has ruined your life, you desperately feel the need for their acceptance and validation.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Maybe read a book on relationship boundaries together, or even better, go to couples counseling. Maybe a professional can give him pointers on how to set boundaries with his sister. If the problem doesn't totally go away, at least maybe it could be lessened. I'm guessing this might've affected his past romantic relationships as well.

    I feel for your frustration. I know of so many families who have bad things happening with estrangement and ongoing arguments. My grown daughters have never accepted my second husband and it's now gotten to the point where I don't think I can have family gatherings at my house anymore, and I will have to see them without him. In my case, I know them well enough to know counseling wouldn't help.

    I hope things improve for you. Take care.

  8. #27
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    How does the rest of the family deal with her?

  9. #28
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    I am only chiming in to lend support - I hate reading about how you are being treated and this situation. And I agree with all the advice about how it's time, unfortunately, to remove yourself from interacting with her other than obligatory pleasantries if you have to see her in person. Luckily at this point she is not an Aunt to your kids, etc. I really do get how you want to have a close relationship with your partner's immediate family -I can relate FWIW. And I also agree with the others that it's not gonna happen here. I do not think it's ok for her to be disrespectful to you or rude -and your boyfriend should step up and have your back if she does that in his presence. My mother -who is well-liked by everyone and loved by many -she's just super and I'm only a little biased -has had a similar situation to you in our family since the 1950s. It's so hard. And so unfair. And others have had very similar issues with the person causing all the drama. At best it's often eggshells.

    Anyway -I really just wanted to say I am so sorry and I hope venting helps.

  10. #29
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    Don't enable this histrionic person. No matter how awesome and kind and loving you are, she will find a way to turn it around. So don't waste your energy, and just keep in mind she has screws loose! Just go about your day. No presents, texts, just do whatever, and talk to other people if it's a holiday gathering or what-not.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member charity's Avatar
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    I don't mean to be unsupportive here Sherry but all I'm seeing is that your boyfriend's sister is not very friendly towards you and can be a pain in the butt with her brother. I'm not sure why you're so upset about that? If my boyfriend ever sent my brother a gift I would see that as trying too hard. Maybe she thinks you are trying too hard?

    Also, you say you didn't do anything to her but you did do something. You called her out on a lie. That was embarrassing for her I guess. I'm not saying that you were wrong to do so, that's your way but clearly she's not going to be your biggest fan after that.

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