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Thread: Son is dating a girl as old as his mother

  1. #21
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I believe his son is also Autistic, like mine. No way in heck would I allow a person who was 41 to sniff around. People are not really adult in mind until 25.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    Maybe it's a good time to reach out and get in father son bonding times. Fun things, you and him. It's good he felt like he could turn to your wife. Of course he would leave out some info, it's how it goes. But it's very positive he felt safe enough to call mom.
    The more support and the more he knows you are there for him, the easier it will be for him to admit choices that aren't working for him. Options.

    And though I wouldn't comment about her, I think general comments about how you love him and gentle reminders of those basics you've already instilled in him - about condoms, not driving with someone or himself impaired, etc. - it can be helpful if you don't overdo it and are not coming at it from a place of judgement.
    ^^^ This! ^^^

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    I believe his son is also Autistic, like mine. No way in heck would I allow a person who was 41 to sniff around. People are not really adult in mind until 25.
    If that's true, then he needs to be his son't protector. and iIf she is doing drugs, I think this is beyond "letting him make his mistakes" - this is where dad steps in

  4. #24
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    Parents feel differently than those who are not parents.

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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Parents feel differently than those who are not parents.
    If the son is autistic, and he is dating an older woman who is supplying him drugs and the son us under the father's jurisdiction (on dad's health insurance, being supported by dad's money or living in his home), then he needs to advocate a little bit for his son. If he has the same level of autism as Seraphim's son, then he may not be fully capable of understanding the scope of this situation (he is not dumb, but the influences of people that seem to "like" him and taking drugs, etc. is a whole other ball of wax vs a neurotypical young man who is experiencing the run of the mill thrill of an older woman)

  7. #26
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    If the son is autistic, and he is dating an older woman who is supplying him drugs and the son us under the father's jurisdiction (on dad's health insurance, being supported by dad's money or living in his home), then he needs to advocate a little bit for his son. If he has the same level of autism as Seraphim's son, then he may not be fully capable of understanding the scope of this situation (he is not dumb, but the influences of people that seem to "like" him and taking drugs, etc. is a whole other ball of wax vs a neurotypical young man who is experiencing the run of the mill thrill of an older woman)
    Absolutely.
    ......

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    She's 41 with kids and getting DUIs.. has a 22 year old bf who is in puppy love. Sorry Katrina I think there's reason for concern there. There's something off about it, for sure. I'd have trouble biting my lip too.
    No need to be sorry, you're entitled to your opinion, which I respect.

    And y'all *may* be right, I'm not saying it's not possible, only to cross that bridge if and when it happens.

    I mean what's the alternative? Forbid him to see her? Or feel grossed out by it? That attitude will only alienate his son, so in my opinion, best to try and accept his decision, and if it turns out to be a massive fail, let *him* deal with it. He's not a child.

    If I were a parent, that is what I would do once my child became an adult, it's what my own parents did when I became an adult.

    Good luck!

  9. #28
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    No need to be sorry, you're entitled to your opinion, which I respect.

    And y'all *may* be right, I'm not saying it's not possible, only to cross that bridge if and when it happens.

    I mean what's the alternative? Forbid him to see her? Or feel grossed out by it? That attitude will only alienate his son, so in my opinion, best to try and accept his decision, and if it turns out to be a massive fail, let *him* deal with it. He's not a child.

    If I were a parent, that is what I would do once my child became an adult, it's what my own parents did when I became an adult.

    Good luck!
    With the undertpstanding that people with developmental disability take a little longer to be adult. I mean I know for sure that my son would not even be close to ready for that . The Op’s son may have more ability than my son at present but still.... adult or not I certainly wouldn’t want my child with a developmental disability in a jail when he gets caught with drugs or gets caught with her in a DUI situation . Oh HECK NO.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    With the undertpstanding that people with developmental disability take a little longer to be adult. I mean I know for sure that my son would not even be close to ready for that . The Op’s son may have more ability than my son at present but still.... adult or not I certainly wouldn’t want my child with a developmental disability in a jail when he gets caught with drugs or gets caught with her in a DUI situation . Oh HECK NO.
    Fair enough, and I missed the part about her being a drug dealer/user. Which is legit a concern, same with DUI.

    But those things have nothing to do with her being 41, she could be 25 and be a drug dealer/user and have DUIs.

    So if I may ask S, what would you do? How would you handle it, forbid him to see her?

    I suppose OP could express his concerns, which I doubt his son would listen to, but he could try.

    I just don't know what else he could do, and still maintain a good relationship with his son.

    I guess it would also depend how severe his son's autism is. Many autistic people are high functioning and capable of making good decisions and having healthy relationships.

    Same with those with bipolar, like myself. I am very high functioning while there are those with bipolar who are unable to even hold a simple job.

    I dunno, I didn't mean to ruffle feathers, just my opinion.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 09-11-2018 at 11:07 PM.

  11. #30
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Fair enough, and I missed the part about her being a drug dealer. Which is legit a concern, same with DUI.

    But those things have nothing to do with her being 41, she could be 25 and be a drug dealer and have DUIs.

    So if I may ask S, what would you do? How would you handle it, forbid him to see her?

    I suppose OP could express his concerns, which I doubt his son would listen to, but he could try.

    I just don't know what else he could do, and still maintain a good relationship with his son.

    I guess it would also depend how severe his son's autism is. Many autistic people are high functioning and capable of making good decisions and having healthy relationships.

    Same with those with bipolar, like myself. I am very high functioning while there are those with bipolar who are unable to even hold a simple job.

    I dunno, I didn't mean to ruffle feathers, just my opinion.
    Functioning lables are really misnomers and demeaning to Autistics. The vast majority of the adult Autistic community loathe those descriptions as they are ableist. High functioning and low functioning does not denote what a person is capable of and usually refers to language skills . But an autistic with verbal apraxia may actually have a lot of skills . So high functioning and low functioning are pretty much misnomers .

    We are not talking about intelligence but life skills . The vast majority of autistics will need help throughout life hence “ developmental “ . But it is all extremely individual . For instance ASD level 1 which is mild affect like my son....

    Level 1: “Requiring support”

    Social Communication:
    Without supports in place, deficits in social communication cause noticeable impairments. Difficulty initiating social interactions, and clear examples of atypical or unsuccessful response to social overtures of others. May appear to have decreased interest in social interactions. For example, a person who is able to speak in full sentences and engages in communication but whose to-and-fro conversation with others fails, and whose attempts to make friends are odd and typically unsuccessful.

    Restricted, Repetitive Behaviours:
    Inflexibility of behavior causes significant interference with functioning in one or more contexts. Difficulty switching between activities. Problems of organization and planning hamper independence.

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