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Thread: Son is dating a girl as old as his mother

  1. #11
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    Thanks for the replies guys. Just dreading meeting her. I'm not a good actor and it's gonna be hard keeping a pleasant look on my face.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    My best suggestion to you is to offer to buy your son as many condoms as he wants. I am not kidding here. The worst thing that could happen is for her to get pregnant.

    Give him a call and just tell him you don't really understand the relationship but he is 22 and can make his own choices in life and you will be there for him if he needs you. Then tell him you are serious if he needs anything, a ride home, advice, condoms anything you will help if you can. Keep it light hearted

    Make the best of it and try and get to know her. Who knows she may not be all that terrible.

    This will not last so just hold on until it fizzes out.

    Lost

  3. #13
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Maybe it's a good time to reach out and get in father son bonding times. Fun things, you and him. It's good he felt like he could turn to your wife. Of course he would leave out some info, it's how it goes. But it's very positive he felt safe enough to call mom.
    The more support and the more he knows you are there for him, the easier it will be for him to admit choices that aren't working for him. Options.

    And though I wouldn't comment about her, I think general comments about how you love him and gentle reminders of those basics you've already instilled in him - about condoms, not driving with someone or himself impaired, etc. - it can be helpful if you don't overdo it and are not coming at it from a place of judgement.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I have two sons and if I don't care for their choice of a girlfriend, I bite my lip. As tempting as it might be, I recognize that their girlfriend (at the time) could very well be the mother of grandchildren someday.

    My oldest had a toxic gf for about 3 years. I can't lie and say I didn't speak up. But only after he confided in me about some drama or things they put me in the middle of. I would have to do damage control after because naturally they'd make up and I was left with some awkward tension between myself and my son. I did my best to stay quiet. But there were times it just called for me to speak up.

    Secondly, I really try my best to step back and allow them to make their own mistakes. I remember being their age and everything my parents told me was nonsense. At least at the time. It's hard to stand back and watch them fall down, but it's a more valuable experience when they have to get back up on their own rather then me carrying them around anymore. They are adults and I raised them to think for themselves.

    This will more than likely run it's course.
    Just be patient, try to smile and don't cut your lip while biting through it.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    Wow, I cannot imagine being face to face with a woman who is my age, yet is dating my son. I'd have some very intrusive questions for her, even if she answered perfectly, it'd still be hard to be civil to her. I have sympathy for you, OP.

    I am only 28, so I dont have kids that age yet...but it wasn't long ago that I was that age myself. I didn't date someone 21 years older than me, but I did date someone who was not going to lead me anywhere good. (He just lacked a lot of common sense). My parents both outwardly disliked him. My dad told him not to come to their house, ever. At the time, I felt it was unfair and judgemental of them. But, it did play a role in my breaking up with him. I'm close with my family, and I wanted a partner who could be as well. I didn't want to be in the middle of them. Now that I'm older and actually understand why choosing a solid life partner is so important, I'm grateful they were straightforward with me. While everyone else believes an 18yr old is an adult, I dont. I remember myself at 18, and most of my friends, and there was nothing adult about it. I became an adult when I had to support myself. And even now, I still sometimes need guidance from my parents.

    So witht all that in mind, I would have to say something. A 40 yr old and a 60 yr old is one thing. But a 19yr old and a 40 yr old? No.

  7. #16
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    OP said he’s 22 (an adult), which would make her 41. I know some extremely young-looking and youthful-spirited 41 year old women (who could pass for 25, seriously) so OP why don’t you wait to meet her before judging her and becoming “grossed out.” She just might surprise you.

    Has anyone taken a look at Christie Brinkley lately – she’s 65 (looks 35 tops). Okay 22 and 65 is a bit over the top, but honestly, I don't blink an eye at a 21 year age difference, and if the tables were turned and she was 22 and he was 41, not many people would either, at least not in my neck of the woods.

    I would respect my son's decision and if she's special to him and he feels they're a good fit, that's all that matters.

    I have actually seen greater age gaps and it's worked out.

    JMO

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    OP said he’s 22 (an adult), which would make her 41. I know some extremely young-looking and youthful-spirited 41 year old women (who could pass for 25, seriously) so OP why don’t you wait to meet her before judging her and becoming “grossed out.” She just might surprise you.

    Has anyone taken a look at Christie Brinkley lately – she’s 65. Okay 22 and 65 is a bit over the top, but honestly, I don't blink an eye at a 21 year age difference, and if the tables were turned and she was 22 and he was 41, not many people would either, at least not in my neck of the woods.

    I would respect my son's decision and if she's special to him that's all that matters.
    JMO
    If this were my niece or nephew, I would be concerned about them dating someone older with kids - for fear that they would give up their plans for trade school or college and become enmeshed in the life of someone with kids - that the older person is looking for someone to settle down with --- or worse, that they are looking for someone to control. I have one niece who is in a very specialized and very geeky field of interest and she is poised and level headed and she always related more to adults in middle school than other kids. I could see her being with someone a bit older who she meets through this really narrow interest - a guy that might not have married because he was engrossed in his work and didn't have a chance to meet anyone younger or was socially awkward at that point and be in their own little world. The others, on the other hand - i would freak out if they were dating someone older. One nephew is completely immature and an older woman would ONLY want him to be the young boytoy. and the niece is a sweet girl - she is no dummy, but she would more easily be overpowered by someone in a relationship easily and would likely lose/give away her voice if she met someone a lot older. The others four too young to be talk about them dating - thank goodness for now.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    If this were my niece or nephew, I would be concerned about them dating someone older with kids - for fear that they would give up their plans for trade school or college and become enmeshed in the life of someone with kids - that the older person is looking for someone to settle down with --- or worse, that they are looking for someone to control.
    Legit concerns (if that actually were to happen) but why jump the gun, it may not! Cross that bridge when and if it ever comes to that, just like in any other RL, regardless of whether or not there is an age gap.

    She may not have any control issues at all, not quite sure why one would assume she does simply based on her age. Plenty of 20 and 30 year olds with serious control issues; and she also may possess good boundaries with respect to her kids (which many younger folks do not).

    Again, she just may surprise him (the OP) with her easy-going nature, youthful vitality and zest for life; 41 is still pretty young in the grand scheme.

    I dunno, maybe I'm different, but I try not to think too far ahead, I deal in the present. IF it turns out he's giving up plans or allowing her to control him, deal with it then.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 09-11-2018 at 09:02 PM.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    She's 41 with kids and getting DUIs.. has a 22 year old bf who is in puppy love. Sorry Katrina I think there's reason for concern there. There's something off about it, for sure. I'd have trouble biting my lip too.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by Unreasonable
    I haven't met her yet, but this is grossing me out. She's 21 years older than him (the EXACT same age as my wife, his mother) and has a couple kids. He's just starting out in life. They work together (she is not in a position of power).

    Now, I have to say, this grosses my out, even though I'm sure she's taught him a thing or two. Seems like mommy issues. However I don't view what she's doing so much as predatory, as pathetic on her part (however, if the sexes were reversed and this was my daughter, I would be furious). I think she just wants a boy toy for validation and will discard him when somebody else comes along. He says "he loves her" and is very sensitive. This is not a sex-only sugar-momma thing to him. I don't want him to be crushed, but I just don't see this ending well.

    I probably shouldn't say anything negative, and just let him learn a life lesson, but I want to. What do you think?
    I think, no matter how young a 41 year old looks, that there must be some emotional immaturity on her part or some deep seated insecurity so she gets validation by being able to pull dudes half her age.

    I'd be worried too if I were you, *Unreasonable.*

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