Day 49 of NC

Hello,

Finally i've decided to share my story and get some advice and different perspective. I apologies in advance for the long post and thank greatly whoever decides to read it and share their point of view.

Backstory of the relationship: We were dating for 5 months (Feb-July), we're both in our mid 20's and for the time being the relationship was serious. Since i had previous bad experience(past relationships), during our relationship i've never been pushy in terms of seeing each other frequently as i want, i'was letting things flow naturally and by his terms and needs. Having said that we were spending most days together after work. But from my point of view he was giving the pace, so it should have been comfortable for him. During this months every aspect of the relationship was more than ok, he even introduced me to his whole family (as i saw it he needed to receive this seal of approval regarding his GF from all of his family and it was positive from all of them). During the whole dating period we never had fights or disagreements and everything appeared to be smooth and pleasing for the both parties.

You're gonna ask why i mentioned the pace stuff - well one day i found out that he lied to me about some appointment and that apparently he wanted this time for himself. Instead of telling me this, he lied to my face where and with whom he has been. I confronted him about this since i felt betrayed, i mean - if it's so easy for him to lie to me where the trust goes? So for me that was our only fight. He felt we was loosing me and did everything to restore my trust in him. And it worked. Actually i remember now back then thinking how lucky i am for finding such a nice guy. This continued for one week in which i was kinda cold but as i mentioned - he managed to restore my trust. But after that i felt him getting distant in his behaviour, communication etc. Couple of times I asked him if there's anything bothering him, are we ok and each time he said something in the lines of feeling tired from work. Up until the last time were he finally admitted he wasn't feeling happy and this has being going on for a month (give or take) and that the recent 3 day vacation when he was out of town has shown him that during this 3 days he was not missing me. He was having a planned family holiday out of the country after that and he proposed to think about us during this one week.

Oh and the horror began. During this week i felt like a total wreck, but i gave him time and space to think trough the relationship. He was sending me pictures of the places he was visiting and we commented them but noting for the relationship and i kept the communication strictly short and to the discussed topics. He returned and we had "The talk" in which in my efforts to find where is the problem he was not able to pin point anything other than just not feeling it and reminding him of some past relationship where they tried for quite some time and it didn't work out at the and. He explained it as he was loving me but not in love with me. That he felt the relationship cannot progress more and that it has reached it maximum. That at the same time he sees me now with him but not exactly in his future.

In my efforts to pin-point exact time mark of the time he started feeling not happy i found out that is the time when i moved to my new place. It was such a coincidence i found a flat 5 minutes from where he was living. When i asked him if thats the thing causing his confusion and everything he denied to be the reason. After talking all day we reached an agreement that we're gonna build and repair whats broken. I asked him if his sure about this and if he's having some instant regrets - he denied.

In the talk he said that now is his time to have kids and all that. I mentioned that these are my young years and i wound't want to waste them. I mean, i was never the type that is going to put pressure for marriage and kids, i just want to spend my time with someone that sees me in their future, even if thats a 5 years from now hypothetical future.

During this time i decided not to pressure him, to focus on myself, there was 2 days in which we only chatted vaguely. I had some major problems, did not contacted him. This was the time where i realised i cannot depend on this person. Not that i tried, but hey... it's nice to know you have a partner when times are hard and you have a shoulder to lay on if you have to. He asked me whey i never told him and I explained that for me there was no need to bother him for things that are my problems. We saw each-other once after that - he was kinda distant, discussed work related stuff. I had planned a weekend with a group of my friends to cheer up the situation with other people and he was sick this day all of a sudden. During this time we would write messages here and there (before it was constant). Until i decided to end it. It was too hard for me to see that everything i do is hitting a wall (his behaviour).

Planned a date in the same place our relationship started (symbolic) and we had a wonderful evening in which i was doubting my decision to end my pain. But starting the conversation, he couldn't even had the balls to end the things, so i did. In my mind he's the one who ended the relationship, I only announced it.. He agreed. I asked him if it was not me who ended it when he was going to do it and he simply replied tomorrow.

Since then 49 days of No contact passed. During this time I deleted his number, all messages, all his friends and him form facebook, packed the stuff he left at my house and all the presents and every shred of memory and evidence he and our relationship ever existed and collected them in one bag. During this time i did not called or wrote him. And i've never received a call or message either. The first days were horrible, i couldn't do anything but cry. Took days off from work to collect myself. With time things were getting better. Since I wanted all his stuff gone form my house i contacted his father and gave his stuff to him. But after that i feel my progress went back to day 0. Maybe its the realisation that the relationship and every chance of reviving it is over. Or maybe is the fact that i found out he moved out (he was living with his mother) - which is a big change and therefore moving on with his life without me in it. I'm on the other hand stuck on the last strand of hope of him to contact me and to get back together.

I was feeling the progress and now i feel like i did not progressed at all since the day we broke up.

Recently he had his birthday - did not celebrated him. Kept strict no contact. I saw him changing the privacy of the people's post for his birthday and the info for the birthdate. Previously everything on his wall was public.

So thats all. What do you guys think? Do i keep the NC? Do i contact him? He should have received his stuff by now. I have some of my stuff with him. With this return of the stuff i feel like i've destroyed every chance of us getting back together. Like this is the literal translation of - it is really over. I don't want it to be.

Please share your opinions.

Sounds like you spent too much time together, so soon in the relationship, even if he suggested it. You didn't give each other time to miss each other, and perhaps hobbies/interests and friendships temporarily faded to the background during this time. If that's the case, he maybe ended up feeling smothered, even if he was the one who allowed the mostly daily contact, and perhaps picked up subliminal messages or body language from you that not getting together would end in bad feelings on your part.

"i've never been pushy in terms of seeing each other frequently as i want, i'was letting things flow naturally and by his terms and needs." Could you possibly have wanted to see him every day, even more than you were seeing him?

Moving forward into a future relationship, keep the dates to 2 or 3 times a week during at least the first half year of a relationship to keep things fresh and to keep an independent life besides your significant other. You will probably have better luck doing things that way, and if a break up happens, you'll be better able to handle it because you'll have a fulfilling life and support system with your friendships and other interests.

Sorry to say, but by the sounds of it this relationship is long over and never quite became a healthy relationship before falling apart.

Who knows why? But it's not a good sign if early on someone isn't comfortable telling you they need a day to themselves--either he felt smothered or just doesn't know how to communicate. Whatever the case, that was a big dent early and you guys never quite recovered from it. The drama and tension surrounding that was disproportionate to the little time you guys had spent together, and the relationship just collapsed. What were supposed to be the fun, honeymoon days were instead days of taking things out and rebuilding trust. That's the stuff for a few years in, following something major like an affair, not stuff to be consumed by before the glue has even set.

But big picture: this whole thing was only 5 months and you haven't spoken in basically two, almost half the time you were together. What you're holding onto at this point isn't even the relationship so much as an idea of what could have been but never was. It's time to just let go, start living your own life, and stop counting the days since you last had any contact. At this point it sounds like it's been about 6 months since this was remotely fun for either of you, followed by a lot of trying to make something new work.

I know it's hard, but a relationship requires two people to exist. He's not reaching out, not showing interest. Time to find someone who wants the same things as you do, and for that to happen you have to let go of this chapter.

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like you were much more invested in this and he couldn't handle the intensity but didn't want the confrontations, talks, etc.

It seem you made your point quite a few times about how angry you are and how angry you get. Whether it was all the scolding, calling him too cowardly to breakup or angrily sending all his gifts and memorabilia back with his stuff. This is over.

Next time try to control your over investment, controlling tendencies and anger....This was 5 mos and way too much too soon from your end.

What do you guys think? Do i keep the NC? Do i contact him? He should have received his stuff by now. I have some of my stuff with him. With this return of the stuff i feel like i've destroyed every chance of us getting back together. Like this is the literal translation of - it is really over. I don't want it to be.

 

Please share your opinions.

Well, your post is mostly about you and I don't get any sense about who this guy is. Perhaps you really don't know him much either. Does he work? What's his background? Is he an immigrant? I don't know anything about him.

So, anyway, it sounds like the relationship ran its course. There is no need to contact him, you only wind up reopening old wounds. Keep in mind you broke up with him. I have no idea what was in his mind. So don't contact him and stop looking at his Facebook. Try to distract yourself by hanging out with friends and family, getting out, exercising, doing things you like to do, maybe concentrate on work or on your hobby and keep a positive attitude.