Convict lover..relationship with junkie ex (son's mother)

They say when you meet your soulmate you know. Thats how I felt when I met this man four years ago but I was in a relationship and he was on and off with his girlfriend who he has a young child with. The chemistry was so intense but I am loyal so I did not give in which he says made him want me even more because he knew I was trustworthy. We had no contact for a year or so and I heard he was in a car crash and was critical. He had been driving the car and was under the influence and was sent to prison to serve his time. He has 27 months done and will be out over the next couple of days. Since he went into prison he has wrote me several letters and I visited him once but as I got in a new relationship our contact stopped. Three months ago he got a phone inside and texted me, he started to call me daily and we spoke on the phone for hours everyday and I visited him again. He is the most genuine, honest and caring person I have ever met and we couldn't deny our feelings were growing. He had told me that he would like to give it a go with me when he gets out but that he didnt want to rush into anything. I pressummed after being incarcerated for so long that he wanted to go out and play the feild a bit. He then told me that he knows that I am the only one for him and he doesnt want anyone else but that his ex was struggling with addiction and he wanted to help her and he said that it wouldnt be fair on a partner and that he wasnt able for jealousy but he didnt want to watch his son bury his mother. I understood this and it made me love him even more. He reassured me that he has no feelings for her and that he would never get back with her. She had a second child with another man and that relationship didnt work and she is now living in a homeless hostel and addicted to injecting heroin. He tells me about every conversation between them and says he knows I probably don't want to hear it but that he wouldn't keep anything from me and I do trust him. He has told her that he is talking to someone and plans to get serious when he is out and she asked who I was and he replied "none of your business" and she said "Im going to kick the out of her!" He told her he wouldnt let that happen and that he wants to settle down and be happy. He reminded her she has been with lots of men since they split up and that he doesn't care that they are finished. He has said that she will do everything she can to split us up and she tells him all the time that she's still in love with him. She has asked him to meet her for coffee when he is released and he has agreed. He has said that if she is upset that he might give her a hug but thats as far as it will go but I presume she is hoping for more. I'm obviously feeling a bit insecure even though I am very proud of him. I dont want my insecurity to get in the way but I don't want her taking the piss either. I don't want her to wreck what we have over her jealousy. Should I totally stay out of it or is there any ground rules you would put in place if you were in this situation?

Any input or opinions would be greatly appreciated

Thank you 😊

Honestly, this sounds very messy and I would have serious reservations about getting involved. I would see how things actually go between you two once he's released and able to date you. Up to the this point, you two haven't had a relationship.

This is where you step back and observe. See what happens once he's out of jail and how he chooses to interact with his ex. I would err on the side of extreme caution, as he's already conceding to her and she is not emotionally stable. However, I wouldn't find it necessary to establish "ground rules" at this point, as you two haven't actually dated. Let him show you who he is, and what he does, on his own volition. That will give you the best and truest impression of what he's really about.

By the way, who is caring for their son? Mom's and addict and Dad's been in jail, so what is going to happen there?

I don't believe a lot of what he's been telling you. He needs a place to stay when he gets out of prison and he has nothing better to do than to sweet talk you for hours a day, but at the same time he's trying to get you to accept he's going to be in contact with his ex. He's going to have two girlfriends when he gets out! I think you should tell him to go live with his ex and leave you alone. This is a massive con job. He hasn't changed and you're only going to get hurt.

I don't believe a lot of what he's been telling you. He needs a place to stay when he gets out of prison and he has nothing better to do than to sweet talk you for hours a day, but at the same time he's trying to get you to accept he's going to be in contact with his ex. He's going to have two girlfriends when he gets out! I think you should tell him to go live with his ex and leave you alone. This is a massive con job. He hasn't changed and you're only going to get hurt.

This ^^^. What you have is a fantasy relationship based mainly on your interactions with him whilst he's been in prison. He has been completely upfront about him continuing a relationship with the 'junkie ex', whilst using you for stability and helping him get back on his feet once he gets out.

Even if you take prison out of the equation, you are looking to have a relationship with someone who's had, and continues to have, an on/off relationship with a girlfriend who sounds a complete train wreck, and there's also a child in the picture. She's even threatened you. He will never be truly available to you or anyone else.

As for him being 'the most genuine, honest and caring person' - what's genuine, honest and caring about a DUI? Do genuine, honest, caring people really disregard their own safety and that of other road users by driving when they're tanked up?

Do not trust 'intense chemistry' either. It feels very compelling, but can lead to the same kind of crash and burn that the unfortunate ex's heroin does. Just don't go there; it's no more of a basis for a relationship than a shared drug addiction.

He has a place to go he is only 22 he is going home to his parents house. He doesnt need me in anyway he has a job and will be returning the week after hes out. He was also working in the prison and has savings

I dont believe he will have two girlfriends he is digusted by her carry on and she was trying to get him back for over a year before he went to prison. He didnt need to change he was fine before he went in. Ya he made a bad choice that he has to live with for the rest of his life but he is in no way a bad person. We have lots of mutual friends and I have never heard a bad word about him to be honest

I don't want her to wreck what we have over her jealousy.

In your mind, what DO you have, exactly? From what you've written here, it sounds like 'chemistry' and a fantasy relationship which was carried out from prison.

Should I totally stay out of it or is there any ground rules you would put in place if you were in this situation?

You can't control, or change, other people. The only ground rules which you can really enforce are those you set for yourself; there's nothing you can do to change her behaviour or his reaction to her. He's told you he's disgusted by her, yet he continues to interact with her, and wants to 'help her'.

If you continue to have a relationship with him, you need to accept that she'll be a significant part of it. If he hasn't cut contact with her already, it's very unlikely that he's going to do so any time soon. He's already established that you're OK with it, or you'd have walked away by now.

Most prisoners line up women as landing pads for when they get out. They have all day to send a bunch of women a bunch of flowery soul-mate style love letters to that end. As well as to get visits and gifts and money for phones, the prison commissary, etc. You and probably a host of women are providing all of this.

Since he went into prison he has wrote me several letters and I visited him. Three months ago he got a phone inside and texted me, he started to call me daily and we spoke on the phone for hours everyday and I visited him again.

You don't get sent to jail for months for your first DUI, at least not in the US. If you're in another country the laws may be different of course. But in the US you would have to have at least two or three.

Did he hit another car? Was anyone injured?

I dont believe he will have two girlfriends he is digusted by her carry on and she was trying to get him back for over a year before he went to prison. He didnt need to change he was fine before he went in. Ya he made a bad choice that he has to live with for the rest of his life but he is in no way a bad person. We have lots of mutual friends and I have never heard a bad word about him to be honest

Maybe so, but she is going to be part of his life, probably forever, as the mother of his child. They don't need to have an emotional relationship, but it's not as though she is going to disappear from your lives for good. Who is currently taking care of the little boy?

Also, he got 27 months in prison for a DUI, which makes me wonder about prior convictions. That would be very heavy-handed for a first offense. I am guessing this was not his first time on the wrong side of the law? Were other people hurt in this accident?

You don't get sent to jail for months for your first DUI, at least not in the US. If you're in another country the laws may be different of course. But in the US you would have to have at least two or three.

 

Did he hit another car? Was anyone injured?

Was thinking the same thing! No one goes to prison for 27+ months for a DUI. Even for several DUIs, you don't. A hefty fine and they take your license away, in some cases permanently depending on how many priors you've had.

But prison time? Involuntary manslaughter yes, DUI, no.

How much longer will he be incarcerated, when is he scheduled to be released?

He sounds like bad news, and this thing with his EX, um, just no.

I'm sorry but this seems too much drama and complicated. Is it really worth it?

As to the DUI, I'm not from the US but I'm from an European country where you can in fact get some prison time for DIU if you have more than a certain quantity of alcohol in your blood (I don't remember how much but it's very high ) and even so never 27 months, just a couple months if it's the first time and most people don't go to jail even with these high values.

He's probably had other DUI before... and if he's dated a junkie and continues to engage with her, I wouldn't be surprised if he was also a junkie.

Sorry but it wasn't "soulmates" - it was raw sexual attraction that that is all. This man is not your soulmate -- any time you spend in a relationship with him is interfering with him possibly forming a family around his child - as dysfunctional as it may be. You need to walk away from this loser. maybe sometime he will straighten up his life, but not at your expense. don't walk _ _ RUN

Sorry but it wasn't "soulmates" - it was raw sexual attraction that that is all. This man is not your soulmate -- any time you spend in a relationship with him is interfering with him possibly forming a family around his child - as dysfunctional as it may be. You need to walk away from this loser. maybe sometime he will straighten up his life, but not at your expense. don't walk _ _ RUN

^This. Please OP, don't confuse raw sexual lust with love. Unfortunately, this guy is a loser and very likely an addict himself. That wouldn't surprise me at all. His sweet talking you kind of made me cringe. Pure con job. Buuuut....I'm afraid OP will learn her lessons with this the very hard way. Hope she at least uses protection so she doesn't get anything from this "super wonderful soulmate".

"He had told me that he would like to give it a go with me when he gets out but that he didnt want to rush into anything. I pressummed after being incarcerated for so long that he wanted to go out and play the feild a bit. He then told me that he knows that I am the only one for him and he doesn't want anyone else.

"

You cannot be so naive. he only wants sex from you.

If you are the only one for him, then why would he want to take anything slow. That makes no sense! So he wants to help his heroin-addicted ex who has repeatedly cheated on him. This also makes no sense.

You are proud of this loser who has been incarcerated for a DUI. I am assuming this is not his first, or he killed someone on his drunken spree? You don't get that kind of time for a first time offense.

OP, your standards are very low. i hope you wake up and aim for a partner who is not a convict, alcoholic, involved with a addict and has some sort of future.. Damn, he has already done time at 22.

and she said "Im going to kick the out of her!" He told her he wouldnt let that happen and that he wants to settle down and be happy.

Just this remark makes me think she is much more than an ex. She has some stake in this game and feels a sense of ownership.

Someone has have given her this idea or at the very least, they haven't quite broken up yet.

It appears you are being set up as a back up.

He then told me that he knows that I am the only one for him and he doesnt want anyone else but that his ex was struggling with addiction and he wanted to help her and he said that it wouldnt be fair on a partner and that he wasnt able for jealousy but he didnt want to watch his son bury his mother. I understood this and it made me love him even more

It's clear he is still very much involved with her. Besides, what mother can maintain custody of her children who is in a homeless shelter and who is addicted to heroin? He can't help her and the fact he thinks he can should be yet another red flag for you. The first being that he's clearly not finished with her. What is he dragging you into? I'd not be staying around to find out.

You are setting YOURSELF up for a lot of codependent, dysfunctional relating and I'm really sorry that you have allowed yourself to fall for a man with this kind of baggage.

That confession would have made me run away from him more, (even if I loved him).

 

It's clear he is still very much involved with her. Besides, what mother can maintain custody of her children who is in a homeless shelter and who is addicted to heroin? He can't help her and the fact he thinks he can should be yet another red flag for you. The first being that he's clearly not finished with her. What is he dragging you into? I'd not be staying around to find out.

 

You are setting YOURSELF up for a lot of codependent, dysfunctional relating and I'm really sorry that you have allowed yourself to fall for a man with this kind of baggage.

Yes! He and you are fooling yourselves, thinking this woman can recover from her addiction. It is a romantic notion to "save" your child's mother from addiction, albeit a very naive, unrealistic one. You both need to realize she has a less than 5% chance of recovery. So, there's a 95% chance she is going to die an early death from her drug of choice. An ex cannot help her. She needs the support of friends and family who mutually love her.

Even if she goes to rehab, the facilities are flawed. They have limited means in treating susbstance abusers. Meaning, what they do for their patients is not effective in treatment, but it is the only option these abusers have. It is their only hope. So they go as a last resort, and they typically go multiple times. It is a broken system.

Meanwhile, it says a lot he has a DUI for 27 months. Wow, that's a lot of time. There's definitely something he isn't telling you. Also, this whole situation shows his values and morals. Do you think you get a DUI the first time you use while driving? Come on now, that is not how it works. I've had friends, family, and coworkers who have had a DUI...it's never their first time using while driving when they get one, so it isn't a mistake. It's a series of bad decisions until they just happen to get caught one day, or screwed up so badly in public they had to be taken in. His baby momma is also a druggie. Both of these instances show what he thinks is acceptable (multiple bad decisions) and who he surrounds himself with (bad influences).

......soooooo this guy is a convict with a junkie for an ex and children somewhere in the mix????

Why would you even be entertaining this? All the chemistry in the world couldn't force me to go near this dumpster fire.

Run, don't walk far far away from this.

Is there some reason you don't think you deserve better than a dude in prison with a junkie ex threatening to beat you up???

Omg, reality tv series in the making. Felon, junkies, star crossed lovers, children, jealousy, fights......it will make a million

'Was thinking the same thing! No one goes to prison for 27+ months for a DUI.'

Me too. Almost three years for a DUI? No way. The man's got 'previous'.

OP, I can't believe you're putting yourself into this situation voluntarily. He's a convict who as good as told you he'll continue seeing his ex. That's the ex who is a heroin junkie and has threatened to 'beat the hell out' of you. Really? You can't be serious.

Yeah, one-and-done trolls rarely do their homework about specifics. The goal is shock value and a good laugh.

No one goes to prison for 27+ months for a DUI.'

Yeah, one-and-done trolls rarely do their homework about specifics. The goal is shock value and a good laugh.

I got a warning once for insinuating that an opening poster was a troll. O.O

If this was his third strike, he could be sent up for more then 27 months for something even lesser than a DUI.

Op: Where did you get to. Has any of your thread caused you to rethink a relationship with the loser you started this thread about?

In California (which is where I live), a state that imposes the most stringent penalties for DUIs in the country, below are the penalties for the fourth offense.

Fourth Offense DUI

• License suspension of up to 4 years

• Possible permanent license suspension

• Up to 16 months in state prison

• Fines and fees of up to $18,000

• 30 months of DUI school

• Mandatory installation of an ignition interlock device on your vehicle

• 3-5 years DUI probation

• Status as a convicted felon

I don't know where OP or her "boyfriend" live, but if it's in the U.S., I still maintain my earlier position that no one goes to prison for 27 months for a DUI or even many DUIs. After the fourth offense, which will garner him 16 months tops, the state will suspend his license FOREVER.