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Thread: Husband too touchy feely with sister

  1. #21
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    Brother spoon feeding sister? That seems quite odd to me, unless his sister is still a child.

    Hugging, linking arms and kissing (in the cheek I presume) is a cultural thing. If your husband was for example purely Dutch it could be concerning as they are not known to be so physically affectionate with each other. Cultural context matters here.

    Using nick names to refer to your sibling, I get. Using pet names or baby names, however, to show affection for your sibling I find weird.


    Having said that, was he behaving like that towards his sister before you married him?

  2. #22
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    You're overthinking...They're siblings. It's weird to be worried over a sister! You need to relax.

  3. #23
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    If you come from a family where there's very little physical affection, seeing this kind of display is going to feel very uncomfortable for you. Families vary enormously in the level of contact which they experience as normal, and whatever you experienced in your family of origin is what you take out into the world unless you re-examine it.

    With your husband and his sister, it sounds as though they're just being silly and affectionate and there's nothing more to it than that. Calling a grown man "Boo boo" sounds more like a form of teasing and infantilising to comic effect than anything else. So does spoon feeding him/her cake.

    My current partner has a step sister who he lost contact with for a number of years; she was in her mid-teens when he was nine years old, and she 'parented' him when they were younger and part of the same family. Now, when we visit, she'll sidle up to him, put her arms round him in a huge hug and say in a little girl voice "He's my little brother!" It's hilarious, as he's 61 and considerably larger physically than she is - and the irony isn't wasted on her either!

    However, this kind of childlike activity is going to hook into your 'Critical Parent' if it's not part of your experience. (Look up Transactional Analysis in Wikipedia if you don't know what I'm talking about). You have a choice here; you can let it ruin your relationship OR you can sit back and accept that this is the way it is, and don't let it affect you... OR you let them get on with it, and call him "Boo boo" and tease him when you're together. That's if you haven't already got a silly pet name for him (something I highly recommend in all relationships).

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like you are not comfortable with his more physically demonstrative family at all. 😧

    Agree with your husband that you are jealous and creating "issues". They have been a family with whatever strange but essentially innocuous quirks much longer than you have been married.
    Originally Posted by dee0356
    I come from a family who is not touchy feely, we donít see the need to show that love through touch. this has been an ongoing issue in our marriage and my husband seems to think I am crazy and jealous.


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  6. #25
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    So I'm curious if you are comfortable being physically affectionate with your husband and if that's a part of your relationship?
    Also, is that something that you want with him?

    I grew up seeing mom and dad hugging and kissing all the time, and there was lots of physical affection all around. I'm very close to my brother, and it would be very strange to me not to be affectionate with him... I'll still hug him and call him my buddy when we are elderly!
    My partner did not come from a physically demonstrative family. Not at all. When meeting my mom and brother, and getting the round of hugs and usual physical warm that was typical for us, he got quite emotional. He was a little jealous - only because he never experienced that but he is a warm and affectionate guy. It was quite sweet to see him and my mom together. His parents are lovely people, they simply have difficulty with showing physical affection.
    And in our relationship together, my guy and I, we enjoy being affectionate - any slight jealousy he had gave way almost immedietly to gratitude for what he has now. He's even greeting his parents with hugs- and they reciprocate !

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    The problem is your marriage, not his sister. 🙁 Why can't you plan for romance? What's wrong with you planning a weekend getaway or romantic dinner and movie? Whats wrong with taking walks weekends/evenings and holding hands,etc.?

    It sounds like you have not adjusted to the partnership of marriage and still think he should be 'courting' you. It's on both of you now to keep the romance alive. Also try not to be a cold fish and nag nag nag, particularly acting as if his own sister is the "other woman" or implying some sort of incestuous intentions.😬

    That is certainly not keeping the romance alive, but in fact killing it with your jealousy, trying to march in and change his family and whining about how it's solely his responsibility to keep the romance alive.
    Originally Posted by dee0356
    weíve only been married 6 months and every time I ask him to be more romantic and make special plans for us.

  8. #27
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    I find the spoon feeding to be a bit different, but not the nicknames, hugging, linking of arms, etc.

    Itís one of those situations thatís hard to judge without actually seeing it, but being that you come from a family that isnít very affectionate, I can see why this would make you uncomfortable.

    I come from a pretty affectionate family and have brothers. If I tried to spoon feed my brother though (weíre grown adults now) heíd look at me like I was nuts. Plus, Iím way more affectionate than him and have no qualms showing my affection (yet he does. Heís much more reserved). Clearly, your husband and his sister have grown accustomed to acting this way around each other and were raised in an environment where this is the norm. Therefore, old habits die hard. Seems like something youíll just have to accept. If your husband doesnít see anything wrong with it, itís highly unlikely that heíll change his ways.

    I do have to say this though: I have noticed that, while growing up with older brothers, their girlfriends would become jealous of the relationship between my brothers and I, which I always thought was odd. I would have expected their girlfriends to be happy we got along, but that wasnít always the case. I canít help but wonder if youíre slightly jealous of their relationship, OP? Iím not meaning this in a disrespectful way at all. Just curious. And if there are any jealousy issues, I canít help but think that ridding yourself of this jealousy may help you accept your husband and his sisterís relationship. That said, their displays of affection for each other may not be the issue here, but you may be jealous of (or feel threatened by) their connection and the strength of their relationship.

    Or, the issue could be that youíre uncomfortable with the ways in which they show their affection for each other, which could be perpetuated by any feelings of jealousy as well. Or vice-versa.

    Just some food for thought.
    Last edited by milly007; 09-11-2018 at 09:37 AM.

  9. #28
    Silver Member BecxyRex's Avatar
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    I grew up in a very affectionate, touchy-feely family and to me that's not odd. Does touch in general make you uncomfortable? Do you seem affectionate and warm enough to your husband?

  10. #29
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by dee0356
    He makes these plans for his sister when she comes to visit to do things that he thinks she might enjoy and asks me if I think it would be ďcuteĒ to do these things, when weíve only been married 6 months and every time I ask him to be more romantic and make special plans for us his excuse is he never has time or when he wants to do these things, something else always comes up. But for his sister, he finds a way. I just donít get it
    Is this more of the problem? ^^
    Instead of focusing on the physical affection or attention he gives her, focus solely on the state of your marriage.
    When you make the comparison I think it somehow loses credibility. He only hears you challenging his relationship with his sister which will just make him defensive.

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