I've been "ghosted"...and it has put healing to a halt

I'm recently divorced after leaving my husband for my affair partner. Before you stop reading or keep rolling your eyes.. I have already been down and continue to be down the road of shame, hurt and ongoing sorrow, sadness and begging for forgiveness from those that I hurt..so this post is not about that...

I have worked hard to heal and have had to take a long look at myself after being dumped by someone I loved so very much. Affairs do not work out, for anyone, ever. Needless to say, when you are a home wrecker, it doesn't bode well for keeping friends or even family for that matter. So, after pretty much losing everything and everyone I had..I have had to pick myself up and move on. It has not been easy and I first had to forgive myself for my horrible choices. After finally making a few new friends at my new job in a new town, I went out on a double date with a friend with a man I had never met.

My friend filled him in on my divorce and why so that he would be able to make his own choice if he wanted to go out with me...even as a friend. I really didn't want to to go, but as a favor for her I agreed (and I really want to keep the few friends I have now). I was surprised how much I liked him. We have nothing in common really, so it was actually fun meeting someone with different interests. Divorced himself, we did have that in common and so when he asked me questions, I told him what led to my affair and how it all panned out. He seemed understanding and even sympathetic. Basically, I found a male friend to hang out with and I think that he has really been good for me and we seemed to help each other.

We pretty much talk or at least text everyday and meet up for lunch twice a week and do the whole group friend thing on the weekend for several months. Though I still am not ready for anything romantic...I would not rule it out when or if I/we are ever ready.

Except now, he has disappeared. No calls. No texts. This is on week 3. I've been so hurt and exposed, I have had too much pride to call or text him because I do not want to appear desperate. I miss him and this is really setting me back.

The awkward thing is that TOMORROW night, I will see him for the first time in a month. I don't know how to act, or if I should even talk to him...or even go. I would like to know what happened as we really both seemed to have been enjoying each other. I think that if he started seeing someone, he would have told me since we are just friends. I have asked our mutual friend and she seems to have no idea, either, so I didn't press the issue. Really could use some help. It is so awkward.

OK. I'm a little unclear. You said you have texted him in the past, but then you said you haven't texted him in 3 weeks? Does this mean you sent him a text, he didn't answer, so you stopped texting him? Texting isn't a ping-pong game. If someone doesn't return a text, you just don't stop texting. You text and say, hey, what's up? when you haven't heard from someone. I would say to text someone at least 3 times before you give up. Maybe he missed your text or didn't want to appear to be desperate himself, or he figured you weren't interested since you did say you weren't getting romantic with him. It's not like you're in a relationship with him.

Anyways, just text him right now and ask him if he's going to this thing tomorrow and ask if you can go together or whatever arrangement you've had in the past. It's so easy to do. And ask him what he's been up to.

Sorry to hear about this.

I get the sense that you've projected a lot of meaning onto this new friendship--almost as if making it "work" is one of the steps to atoning for your past. That he's gone distant and cold--the ghosting--is hitting you especially hard.

But if it's all just a friendship, you should be able to reach out, say hey, what's up, whatever. Maybe he got busy, maybe he started seeing someone and didn't know how to tell you--who knows?

I'd just be cool and cordial when you see him tomorrow.

I don't text my friends everyday or even talk to them every night on the phone. Why do you think he's "ghosted you" just because he's not superficially chatting with you?

I wonder, are you more invested then you're actually letting on? Have you slept with your friend?

I'm recently divorced .

When did that happen? Just curious because usually the general divorce process takes a long time. Seems very fast...

If you're only friends, then I do not understand why you are hurt?

Im confused. Please elaborate Suzanne

I'm recently divorced after leaving my husband for my affair partner. Before you stop reading or keep rolling your eyes.. I have already been down and continue to be down the road of shame, hurt and ongoing sorrow, sadness and begging for forgiveness from those that I hurt..so this post is not about that...

 

I have worked hard to heal and have had to take a long look at myself after being dumped by someone I loved so very much. Affairs do not work out, for anyone, ever. Needless to say, when you are a home wrecker, it doesn't bode well for keeping friends or even family for that matter. So, after pretty much losing everything and everyone I had..I have had to pick myself up and move on. It has not been easy and I first had to forgive myself for my horrible choices. After finally making a few new friends at my new job in a new town, I went out on a double date with a friend with a man I had never met.

 

My friend filled him in on my divorce and why so that he would be able to make his own choice if he wanted to go out with me...even as a friend. I really didn't want to to go, but as a favor for her I agreed (and I really want to keep the few friends I have now). I was surprised how much I liked him. We have nothing in common really, so it was actually fun meeting someone with different interests. Divorced himself, we did have that in common and so when he asked me questions, I told him what led to my affair and how it all panned out. He seemed understanding and even sympathetic. Basically, I found a male friend to hang out with and I think that he has really been good for me and we seemed to help each other.

 

We pretty much talk or at least text everyday and meet up for lunch twice a week and do the whole group friend thing on the weekend for several months. Though I still am not ready for anything romantic...I would not rule it out when or if I/we are ever ready.

 

Except now, he has disappeared. No calls. No texts. This is on week 3. I've been so hurt and exposed, I have had too much pride to call or text him because I do not want to appear desperate. I miss him and this is really setting me back.

 

The awkward thing is that TOMORROW night, I will see him for the first time in a month. I don't know how to act, or if I should even talk to him...or even go. I would like to know what happened as we really both seemed to have been enjoying each other. I think that if he started seeing someone, he would have told me since we are just friends. I have asked our mutual friend and she seems to have no idea, either, so I didn't press the issue. Really could use some help. It is so awkward.

He is probably ready for something romantic and you have made it clear your not ready, so he has decided to move on and find someone else

Sorry to hear this. 😕 However dates are not confessionals nor therapists so don't inflict your guilt and woes on them. Keep it very simple. "I'm divorced x years and have 2 kids. Period. Do not elaborate.

Also friendzoning someone because of your issues is an invitation for them to leave and find someone they can invest interest in. Dating is not about using people as a shoulder to cry on or as " new friends".

when he asked me questions, I told him what led to my affair and how it all panned out. Though I still am not ready for anything romantic...Except now, he has disappeared. No calls. No texts.

I don;t understand why you would share your affair with this guy. I wouldn't be telling anybody that. If someone told me that, I would run the other way.

Learn from your mistakes and keep them to yourself.

"We pretty much talk or at least text everyday and meet up for lunch twice a week and do the whole group friend thing on the weekend for several months. Though I still am not ready for anything romantic...I would not rule it out when or if I/we are ever ready."

I feel suffocated just reading this. Look OP, I don't know what is actually happening with you, but you've got to stop latching on to men like this. I don't care if your intentions are just being friends or more, what you are doing will backfire on you every time. You've got to seriously address what is broken with you that lead you to cheating, destroying your life and family and please, no bs about love, because that's not what healthy love looks like. If you don't address your issues, you are going to continue to wreck yourself. High time for you to step away from any kind of dating, be honest with your friends that you are absolutely not ready for anything such and actually start working on yourself and identifying your issues and what's driving your unbalanced behavior.

For clarity, I didn't just didn't start blabbing about my past relationship issues...I only shared when directly asked. Normally, after you have spent time with someone you usually start to ask questions as you get more comfortable with each other. I am 9 months post divorce and 6 moths post affair partner.

NO...I did not sleep with my new friend and no I have not suffocated him nor have I latched on in anyway.

I do, however, feel that I overshared about a difficult time in my life and I would not have otherwise if I thought he was not going to be part of my life in someway. We had made future plans to attend a concert and this dinner tonight and a couple of other things with mutual friends.

I simply thought it odd that he seemed to like talking, having lunch etc. and then he just stopped and not to appear clingy I wanted to give him some space to process and that is why it feels awkward. I am embarrassed.

This is not about my affair because that is a moot point talking about on this page. I got shamed for that without even finishing my story because it didn't even matter at that point but whatever. He was curious because as he got to know me, I think it surprised him that I was capable of such (I'm still shocked at myself) but again...I didn't just start sobbing on his shoulder or any other of my new friends unless asked and I do give the polite answer but human nature just leave people wanting to hear more so that is when I say "I have been through a godawful ordeal and it has been really tough.."

So, I did text him after three weeks of no communication on either end. Why would this make me feel awkward since he just a friend? Well, because I overshared, when asked. I simply said "Hey, just wanted to make sure everything is okay. I know you are busy and I miss talking to you. I hope to see you tonight and I'm sorry if I have upset you in anyway".

He texted almost immediately " I had the same thoughts and started to come by yesterday. I'm not upset with anyone. I have some awesome news about work that I will share with you in person."

So, there is that.

I agree that I am not ready to "date" and call is a personality flaw but I just get along better with men and I always have. I am not a flirt, I just enjoy being around men more and I really don't think that all men are friends with women just to sleep with them and that is not my intent, either.

You're a poor candidate to be mostly friends with men. You have already had one affair and the odds are high that if you don't know how to keep from crossing platonic relationship boundaries with your opposite sex friends then you will fall into yet another affair sooner or later. You've been having one-on-one date like activities with him. Granted he's single so no biggie but you've clearly formed an emotional attachment to him already.

You say your affair is a moot point, but you, unnecessarily I might add, brought it up.

You say there’s no attachment but you’re writing a post about your concern about him.

You are not ready for this.

Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

So, I did text him after three weeks of no communication on either end. Why would this make me feel awkward since he just a friend? Well, because I overshared, when asked. I simply said "Hey, just wanted to make sure everything is okay. I know you are busy and I miss talking to you. I hope to see you tonight and I'm sorry if I have upset you in anyway".

 

He texted almost immediately " I had the same thoughts and started to come by yesterday. I'm not upset with anyone. I have some awesome news about work that I will share with you in person."

 

So, there is that.

Okay, good. So you'll learn what's been up with him and maybe even why he's been out of touch. It may not be related to you, even though he may have felt like giving things a rest.

The thing about oversharing is that it tends to burn people out. On top of burning us out as we worry about that.

Consider working with a therapist to tackle your deep stuff. That will give you an outlet and a sounding board, and that will make it easier to use discretion while building new friendships over t.i.m.e.

Teenagers tend to overshare, and look at all the drama it gets them. They often end up insecure and overexposed--not because their secrets are so horrible, but because they feel shame regardless of how big a deal anyone else views those. Shame isn't something we can stuff back into the bottle once we pour it out to someone.

Head high. I hope it goes well with your friend, and I hope you'll consider letting us know.

Yeah I agree