That classic line...

Hi everyone,

Been a little while since I've posted, but I've been trying to deal with things in my own way. Now though I've come to a situation I've read about and I think I know the solution but I need to hear it from others in real time, or something that I haven't thought of.

To summarise recent(ish) events:

In the 'afterglow' of the break up she's gone up and down and I'll add that I gave her all the space/time she needed but she kept returning or contacting me. At no point was I rude or anything other than friendly, which she even commented on(she didn't expect it). I didn't follow any guide but technically I went limited contact. I just let her be.

The last major interaction we had was nearly 2 weeks of seeing each other at which point she then turned it around again and admitted that she wants to see me and it feels like we're going out again, but when she leaves she feels miserable as she's brought it on herself, so she thought we should spend some time apart. All I left her with was, 'I love you and there was nothing more to it'.

That was over a month ago. A month of absolute radio silence. Nothing. It was hard...but I understand that she was hurting so I did nothing.

Then I get a 'hey, how are you?' message out of the blue. She suggests she come over and do the gardens. I tried to bat it away but next morning, shes there. I keep it friendly again, we chat, eat lunch, do the gardens(eventually), flirt and laugh. Just like we usually do.

I leave things as that. No expectations.

Then I get the 'It was nice seeing you. It wasn't awkward or weird, it was normal. It still brings up feelings when I see you. We should see each other every now and then but not spend too much time together. I hope we can actually be friends' message.

Hmm..

Ultimately, my goal has always been to make this situation as easy as possible for her as I know, though she instigated this whole ordeal, she's not having the greatest of times. I know myself well enough now to know I will be alright in the long run, so I'm not one of the 'you do you' camp. It's all for her, always has been.

I do still love her, with every fibre, truly and wholeheartedly. My mistakes be damned.

Which makes this difficult because ultimately I think being friends will hurt us both.

I think this will be the first time in five years that I've knowingly made her cry - If I go down the route I think I should.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

R

Sorry to hear this, but you're right "let's be friends" is the classic breakup line.😕 What do you want? Friendship? Reconciliation?

I'd like a solid, thought through, every thing on the table reconciliation. But everything she's said and done in the last five months suggests she doesn't know what she wants. So I'm in no real position.

I'd like a solid, thought through, every thing on the table reconciliation. But everything she's said and done in the last five months suggests she doesn't know what she wants. So I'm in no real position.

Indeed, sad as it is, it sounds like she simply doesn't know what she wants right now. She wants freedom and singledom, but when freedom and singledom are tough she wants a blurred-line friendship—the pleasure of having those feelings stirred, but with the option to step back the moment they do and to not have to talk about anything past surface sweetness and flirtation. The longer you guys indulge in that the longer it'll be until you're able to fully move on, as it seems you know and understand.

Your compassion for her is admirable and sweet, but it's also important that you do what is best for you and your own emotional needs—needs she is not capable of meeting right now.

Well, I decided to sleep on my response and I'm moments away from sending it. I never thought in any circumstance that I'd be in this state...

I even bounced around the ideas of saying 'yeah lets be friends' but not doing anything, or even seeing how it goes but something just didn't sit right, especially since she said it still brings up feelings when we see each other. Admittedly those might be negative feelings but I guess I'll never know now.

Feels like I'M breaking up with her!

As you've noticed, playing friendzies gets you no closer to reconciliation and thwarts your attempts to heal. I'd tell ex on next contact that while I adore her, a friendship isn't possible for me right now, and I'd appreciate it if she'd contact me only if she wants to discuss reconciling a committed relationship. Short of that, I'm not the right person to help her work through anything, and I have my own healing to focus on. I'd wish her the best and consider the matter closed unless we both meet on higher ground someday.

From there I'd trust that if we were ever a meant-to-be deal, we'll both need to climb to that place on our own. If we're NOT a meant to be deal, then I've positioned myself to heal and move forward. That's a win/win.

Head high.

I have been where you are and you are pretty much in a no win situation.

You want to be there for her and show that you care in hopes that she rethinks everything but being with her feels good but since you have no answers it hurts you. So after you see her, you over analyze everything, every thought, every single little smile, every word, gesture is analyzed, decoded and deciphered and it is making you crazy.

As others have said, she doesn't know what she wants. Its like you are chasing after a leaf that is blowing in the wind, it might stop for a second and when you get close to it, it flies away and the chase resumes. So you have to be very careful in chasing something that doesn't want to be caught. So what is best for you is to just let her go and let her fly away. Maybe she never comes back, maybe she does return, but the longer you chase, the more you will hurt. And have you thought about that maybe spending time with you is helping her transition from being a partner to being a friend? If you want her to miss you, then she has to see what its like without you. Right now she can call you and youll pick up, she wants to go out with you, youll say yes. To you, you are loving, supportive and showing "Im here" to her you might be what helps her get thru this so she can walk away.

Believe me, she knows you love her, she also knows that you want to be with her. If she wants you, then let her earn you.

That leaf on the wind analogy really hit home. That one will stick.

I sent my response yesterday and asked to not see each other again. I didn't make an ultimatum as that's not me and in some way that it can be unfair on the other side. They're hurting too sometimes.

It was tough to send, and it's still stings a little, but it was needed and that's making me feel better.

We were fine before each other, and we will be now.

Now to keep strong, focus on what I've accomplished due to this life event and keep making changes for the better.

R

by being friends with her she gets the best of both worlds. She may be seeing someone new who is providing certain facets of a relationship and not providing others (emotional support and the friendship aspect) that she will get from you. Women like to monkey branch around, certainly more than guys, and hate losing a guy even if they dont want to date them again. i recently answered a message from my ex that I was hopign would lead to something and it ended up being a disastrous fight. I made progress from the breakup so i got over it relatively quickly, but truthfully the best way to go is a full block of them on social media and do not answer any messages if you choose to not block their number (still trying to find out how to do this with verizon). They will most likely bug out when they find out their blocked but just ignore them and move on as best as you can. You seem to have a great mentality about moving forward and improving so keep the focus on that and if its meant to be its meant to be. Pay attention to the kind of person they are after/during a breakup, that will tell you who they truly are.

That's quite possible Chris, I can't speculate anymore and I'm avoiding thinking about her motives, intentional or otherwise. She has her life to live, and I will live mine.

Sadly I had to contact her today as we're in the middle of the sale of the flat we bought. But, it was because we had an offer put down! So, hopefully the last link to this situation is nearly over. I kept my email very neutral, it was almost like a work email. She replied in a more friendly tone than mine.

But then, 10 minutes after this...

I got asked out by a girl at work! It was even someone I liked a year before my now-failed-relationship! Not really sure what to do with this one...

R

Things are looking up. 👍 Good luck with both.

we had an offer put down. I got asked out by a girl at work!