Suddenly having doubts - please help me sort my head out and do the right thing

Fairly long post, sorry about that, but this is a tricky situation and right now I'm quite scared of screwing up majorly and would really appreciate some advice. Some quite heavy stuff in the beginning section here so tread carefully.

I'm 25 and from the UK. My girlfriend is 24 and from Malaysia. She is really wonderful - beautiful, smart, loving, caring, very warm and amazing at listening. Unfortunately she has not had the easiest of lives. Her mum died when she was 13, and coming from a family of 6 brothers where she is the only daughter, she found it very hard during her teenage years not having anyone to talk to about 'girl stuff'. Then when she was 16 she was violently gang raped. I'm sorry, it's very hard for me to write that, but it's important here. She actually got pregnant, and decided she wanted to keep the baby, but then had a miscarriage. She had low self-esteem, depression and anorexia after her rape. She had a boyfriend at high school who cheated on her for a year without her knowing (she and he didn't do anything physical while they were together, because that's not how it works in Malaysia, but he certainly betrayed her emotionally). Many of her relatives and friends' relatives (male) cheat on their partners, including her dad on her stepmum. Her entire family is Muslim and she doesn't believe in it, but they don't know that. Some of her brothers are quite controlling over her and she has come to distrust and fear men as a result of that, and of her other experiences (understandable). She is a student in London and it took her a few years of living here to take the step of going on a date. I was the lucky first guy she wanted to meet, and we got on amazingly and have been together for over a year now. It's against Islam for her to date a non-Muslim, so when her family found out they were angry, and she lied to them and told them that we broke up to make things simpler for her rather than having relatives gossiping about her and telling her she is bringing shame on the family for being with me (which they did say). I'm the first person she has ever had sex with, or even kissed (what happened to her when she was 16 wasn't sex, it was rape). I'm also the only person she has ever actually told about what happened to her. Other people know because her family told them, but I'm the first person she told about it herself. I'm telling you all this because it's important to know for later, that in a lot of ways I am a first for her, and she has shared her deepest self with me. I have also shared everything with her, but the difference is, I had a girlfriend before her, and I come from a very stable and happy background. I'll come back to this later.

We both love each other deeply, but here's the problem. I'm starting to wonder whether the relationship is right for me in the long term or not. Some context on when I am writing this: I'm currently in Japan, on a solo trip I've been working towards for years. In a couple of weeks' time I am going to South Korea for 6 weeks to travel and work (my work is kinda my passion too, it's something I'm very excited about). On Wednesday 12th September (this week), before I go to Korea, I'm flying to Malaysia to meet my girlfriend there, where we have planned a ten day holiday together (in her home city, Kuala Lumpur, though her family doesn't know I'm coming of course). The dilemma I'm going to explain below would be a big problem at any time, but right now I feel like it's pretty urgent for me that I figure out what to do before I see her.

This might just be me unnecessarily panicking, being stupid, and I haven't had that much sleep the last few days which may well also be affecting my judgement. Either way though, I've been going over this in my head and not been able to get anywhere, which is why I really need some advice. The situation is... well, nothing has actually changed in our relationship. I think it's a very healthy relationship, but it's more that a couple of things that I had sort of pushed to the side before now have suddenly come to the forefront of my mind. I guess it's because of going on this trip, having a bit of time to myself but probably more meeting other people and having a bit of time to reflect on what I want that has brought it on.

It all started when I met a girl the other day at my hostel in Tokyo. She was really cool, and we had a great time chatting over dinner. She was really attractive too. But the thing is, it wasn't that I actually wanted to be with her. For one thing, she had a boyfriend and was also quite religious and I'm not into that stuff so much. By contrast, my girlfriend and I have a lot in common with the way we see the world, and even the things we don't agree on, I think it's been healthy for both of us to experience a different perspective on. Also, I think my girlfriend is incredibly beautiful so it's not like that's a factor in this at all. It's not that I wanted to be with this other girl, but it was fun hanging out, and it did make me realise that there are some aspects to my relationship that I suppose I do wish were slightly different. My girlfriend's quite a shy, reserved person, and although I have a great time with her when it's just the two of us, I guess there are some things I want to do that maybe she isn't really into. I like having adventures, whereas she likes to plan things more. That's fine with me, but sometimes I enjoy doing slightly crazy things. I'm quite outgoing whereas she loves being alone with a book. She is a wonderfully warm person and although she doesn't believe it herself I know she could make friends very easily if she wanted to. At the same time, she is not particularly spontaneous, although I know she is keen to try more new things, but it doesn't come naturally to her. I like drinking, whereas she doesn't drink. I actually don't mind that at all, I enjoy doing different things with her than with the rest of my friends, but sometimes I feel like she wishes I didn't drink, or get drunk ever, even though I really don't drink or get drunk that much. Another thing is that she works in science and I work in the arts. Sometimes it's hard to share things about work with each other because we don't have a shared understanding about what we both do (although we are both learning). I guess what it comes down to is, being with her, I'm not sure I'm really able to experience all the slightly wilder things I always felt I wanted to experience in life. I could of course do more outgoing things with other friends, and I do, but it's just not the same as with a partner. She is the person I spend the most time with in my life by a long way. Even as I write this I feel terrible, because we have loads of fun together, but I know deep down that I crave some experiences that she just isn't all that into.

Some great things about being with her: I almost always feel really happy and peaceful when I'm with her. We both love each other very much. We make each other laugh a lot, and I think we're pretty much in sync with each other most of the time. We speak every day and send messages when we don't see each other. She is incredibly supportive with everything I do and always listens to me (she's a really great listener). Like I said before, she's beautiful and I love walking with her and hanging out with her and I feel lucky to be with her. Basically, I know how much she appreciates me and she knows how much I appreciate her, and that makes me feel great. But still, there's this nagging feeling that somehow there might be some things in life that I'm missing out on, even though I'm not exactly sure what they are. Perhaps just a feeling of really being able to experience all the possibilities of life. But there are so many positives to being with her that I'm not sure whether I should just ignore those other feelings or not, or try and fulfil them in some other way.

This dilemma would already be hard enough as it is, but the situation really isn't simple. I guess this has very high stakes, not just for me but for her. The truth is, she's suffered a lot in her life and it makes me incredibly sad to think about that, but if I leave her I really think it could be crushing for her. I'm not saying that to big myself up or anything. She has said to me before that I am everything to her. I know that the truth is, she has lots of things in her life that she cares about besides me, but she only has a few (very close) friends whereas I am lucky to have lots of friends. She's about to start a PhD for four years in the UK, knowing only a handful of people here. I know that part of the reason she wanted to get the PhD was so that she could stay here and be with me. As I mentioned before, she has also opened herself up and told me things that she's never told anyone before. I know that being with me was scary for her because she's never really been this close with anyone. And guys have treated her badly her whole life. I know she's very scared I might leave her, because I think she thinks I don't like the fact that she is complicated and has a lot of stuff in her life that she has to deal with. She often asks if I wouldn't prefer to be with someone simpler, like someone whose situation was less complicated. But that's not the problem for me, I don't mind that at all. I love her and want to be there for her and help her with those things. The worry I'm having is more to do with wanting to fulfil my own desires in life, it's not to do with her situation at all.

The thing is, I think she'll be incredibly depressed if I was to leave her. I come from a stable, happy background whereas she really doesn't. She needs me more than I need her. We both know it's true. And I know that in an ideal world we're all supposed to sort out our own problems and be emotionally stable before starting a relationship, but the stuff I'm talking about with her is stuff that is going to affect her for the rest of her life, that she can't just get over easily. Her mum dying, her brothers controlling her, her not wanting to be a Muslim. She still has recurring nightmares about when she was raped. I would love to make things work for the rest of my life with her, and I don't think that's impossible at all, but on the other hand I also don't want to wake up one day and feel I've not fully explored some of the possibilities of my life. Spontaneous adventures, experiencing new things. Traveling. I mean, I'm doing that now, and I know she doesn't mind at all, she's very supportive, but I'm learning Korean and planning on working between the UK and Korea in the future, whereas I know she'll have to go back to Malaysia for a while at least after her PhD and I guess all that could cause problems down the line. I can't deny that in the last few days I have been having a kind of fantasy about meeting someone that gives me everything that my girlfriend gives me but who is also a little bit more carefree. Maybe meet someone in the arts, someone who likes to try new things. Not someone wild, unbalanced and out of control, but just someone who also loves putting themselves out there and experiencing all that life has to offer. And not just a friend, a woman who I can love deeply like my girlfriend but who keeps me on my toes a bit more. I think that's probably incredibly selfish of me, and I'm scared that if I were to break up with my girlfriend all that would happen is that I'd be lonely, would never meet anyone as amazing as her again and regret it, not to mention the fact that I'd be incredibly sad thinking about her having to cope with all the stuff in her life on her own, and also not getting to speak to her again (I know she doesn't like the idea of being friends with an ex, it's just the way she is).

I've never met anyone like her before, and I do think we have a wonderful and very fulfilling relationship together. I am a fairly idiosyncratic person and she is very patient with some of my personality quirks. When we are together, I feel like I can tell her even the weirdest, most private thoughts I have, and she will be happy to listen and try and understand. I really hope there is some way to make it work with her, and I am certainly still in love with her, but despite all the positives I also don't want to feel like I am sacrificing a key part of who I am to be with her. Up till now, I've felt fine not addressing this issue, and felt that what I got from our relationship was enough, but I think being in a new country and having the freedom to explore by myself has re-awoken some feelings that perhaps I had buried a little.

Should I try and accept that a few of the wild adventures I want to go on might have to be shelved in order for us to be together, and just be grateful for all the good things about the relationship? Or will this only become more and more of an issue if I leave it unaddressed? And what do I do during our trip in Malaysia? I'd be very appreciative for your thoughts, but one thing I need to be clear about is that I really can't talk to her too directly about this. I can always encourage her to step out of her comfort zone a bit, which I have done in the past with some success, but I think this is really a private thing for me to figure out. She is vulnerable, though she would hate me saying that and is strong in many ways too. We both believe that being open and communicating with each other is extremely important, but if I talk to her too directly about this, if I tell her that I wish she was a little more exciting (which is how she'll hear it, even though that's not what I mean), it'll only re-awaken some of her insecurities that I hopefully have helped her overcome a little during the past year or so, and I don't think I could live with myself if I made her feel that way.

Thank you in advance for your advice, I really appreciate it.

Hey there.

I have a few thoughts about this...

Firstly, I believe you should ever break-up with someone unless you're absolutely sure about the decision, and sure that you won't regret it. It doesn't sound like you are there, and which ever way the other advice to you sways, I think this is fundamentally the most important thing, and I believe that if it's a decision that you should make, you will eventually find the answer, but don't try to guess the answer prematurely.

I am slightly concerned that because you've gone travelling you're seeing things in a warped perspective and having 'grass is greener' syndrome.

Secondly, the relationship and love you have described is incredibly, incredibly rare. People fight hard for relationships like this, and honestly I don't know many people who can say they have a relationship like the one you describe. Often there is much more in terms of bickering and arguing that surfaces after a year or two, but it sounds like your relationship is free of conflict more or less and makes you really happy and fulfilled. So what I am saying is that you should not take your relationship for granted, and also recognize that relationships are give or take - sure you might find someone who is more adventurous, but who you fight with more and who you have highs and lows with rather than the harmony and balance you have achieved with this one. So it really depends on what your priorities are, and what is important to you in a romantic partner. Some people want their other halves to be their 'best friends' and equate this to meaning they do absolutely everything together, are joined at the hip, work in the same field, have lunch and dinner together every day and are in sync in every way. There are some people who find this suffocating and prefer to have differences and learn from each other. I believe that you can be best friends in either dynamic, but to different people this means different things. I personally prefer to share some interests with my friends only, and as have some interests as an individual that are starkly different from my partner's, i feel this is a more healthy dynamic but that's just a personal preference.

Thirdly, I can't help but feel you are overthinking your relationship.

Many of us have doubts sometimes, but how strong are those doubts really? Are you able to see yourself single and happy (happier than you are with her right now) if you follow through and end the relationship? Your guilt aside, think about what your life would look like.

You say at one point:

"I would love to make things work for the rest of my life with her, and I don't think that's impossible at all, but on the other hand I also don't want to wake up one day and feel I've not fully explored some of the possibilities of my life".

it stood out to me that you don't think it's impossible, yet you still are wondering about these 'possibilities' further down the line. I would say work with what you have now, and cross that bridge when you come to it. But work with what you have now while it is there in front of you. You're both young and people change a lot in their twenties. I don't see her past trauma as preventing her from exploring different aspects of life.

I don't agree that you can't talk directly about this to her, it's better to risk doing that than to never try, and then end the relationship entirely instead of giving her a chance. I was never really and outdoors person until I met my current partner. When I realised it's important to him, I pushed myself to be more interested in hiking and camping and whatnot. It doesn't mean i am happy to do that every weekend, but once in a while for sure, or at least enough so that we are BOTH happy. It's all about finding compromises.

I understand that she has been through a trauma in the past but she is an adult and think you should treat her as such - and that means not avoiding conversations with her that address communicating your needs and interests. This is important. You can't go on your whole life being afraid of hurting her if you say how you feel or what you want, just because she had a past trauma. Keep those things separate. Make sure she is getting the right support for her trauma and working through it. But don't mix that all up with everything else.

That's my opinion...

Unfortunately it sounds like you are not ready to settle down. 🌏 Set her and yourself free.

Pretzel made an excellent point about being absolutely sure before ending it.

Right now you're traveling, meeting interesting women, having different experiences (not sexual) and your mind (and heart) are feeling uncertain about your current.

Commitment is not an easy decision and for what it's worth, I think it's normal to have these feelings, especially when young.

It's ambivalence rearing its ugly head, tempting you, before moving forward to a higher level of commitment.

I suggest you read the "break up" section of this forum -- "Healing After Breakup." Many MANY threads from men who were in the same position as you and DID end it.

Only to regret their decision a few weeks later, realizing how deeply they "do" love their girlfriends (now ex) falling into deep depression longing for and sometimes obsessing over their ex.

Many are still suffering, many months later. Lamenting, how do I get over these regrets (about ending it).

Don't be that man. Think this through very carefully. Focus on the positive.

I think it may even be a good idea to take your vacay together and see how you feel. Spending that time may give you the clarity you need.

If, while together, you don't feel connected, not feeling the love, miss your adventures and wish to be single, then end it knowing you made the right decision.

You still may regret later, but that's the risk we all take when ending a long term relationship.

Thank you for your thoughtful answer, Pretzel, I really appreciate it and would very much value your thoughts on what I'm going to say here as well. I think you're right. I needed someone to point it out to me, but it's true - it's a great relationship and I'm certainly not sure that I would be happier single. In fact, I highly doubt I would be. I spent six years single and didn't exactly enjoy that all that much! The thing is though, I don't see it as being in a relationship vs. being single, I see it as being in this relationship vs. being in a hypothetical, imaginary new relationship, which just saying that sounds absurd, which is why I'm glad you've pointed that out. There's no point breaking up unless I'm absolutely sure about it. Much better to give things a chance than do something rash.

Unfortunately that won't make the feeling completely go away though. I know this is in part a 'grass is always greener' thing, what with the excitement of travelling and all, but that doesn't mean I don't still feel what I feel. This FOMO thing stems back to when I was a teenager and felt lonely and uncool, and wished I was doing all the things I was supposed to be doing as a teenager, like meeting girls and going to parties and things. I know this is just a new manifestation of that feeling. Back then, I was able to do something about it. I found some new friends and had a lot of fun. I'm not naturally an extrovert, so as I've matured I've kind of had to coach myself into having self-confidence, but I love it when I have that feeling like I can do anything. But because being outgoing doesn't always come naturally to me, I've always felt like I'm playing catch-up with things somehow. I've always said I wanted to get married a bit later than most, maybe in my mid-late thirties, because I want to have the time to be young and do those exciting things first. For instance, the trip I'm on right now. I've been wanting to do this since before I met my girlfriend. Part of the appeal, I'll admit, was meeting new people, including women, in a far away place and going on adventures. Now I finally have the money to do it, but my situation has changed. It's a great trip but there's still an itch that has gone un-scratched a bit. I'm sorry, I know I sound a bit pathetic right now. I shouldn't really be complaining in the situation I'm in, and I think that's kind of the point you're making, that I need to get some perspective with this. I guess if I am going to stay with my girlfriend, I need a constructive strategy to deal with these feelings (I do think my girlfriend can change, and indeed has changed even since we started seeing each other, but she's unlikely to ever be quite at the same level as me in terms of wanting to do extroverted, adventurous things, and instigating those things).

I guess I do just need to keep reminding myself that it's pointless to create the ideal of a 'perfect' partner in my head, and then get frustrated if my girlfriend doesn't quite fit that model. I know it's stupid to think like that, and that really, nobody is perfect. I will try and talk to her as you suggested, though I think in some respects it is a little bit like chalk and cheese with a few key things. For instance, I'm always wanting to go clubbing, and love the idea of dancing with a woman I find really attractive, though never really have the chance to because when I was single I never had anyone to go with, and now, my girlfriend isn't into clubbing. She doesn't like dancing (except in private) and doesn't drink, whereas to me, drinking is a big part of clubbing. Perhaps she could be persuaded to give it more of a chance (I guess I am being unnecessarily pessimistic about this), but as I said before, I need a strategy to firstly try and nudge her into being a bit more adventurous, but also to find an outlet for the feelings that it won't be possible for her to completely satisfy. I'm just not quite sure where to start with that.

Regarding what you said about the different types of relationship (sorry, I know my thought pattern is a bit haphazard here), I'm certainly not the type of person who wants to do everything with my partner. I value time to myself, and so does my girlfriend, which is great. But I also want our time together to be a mix of the calm and peaceful and loving (which we have), and the wilder and more adventurous (which just isn't quite there at the same level). I need to figure out some way of achieving that, or finding some alternative way of satisfying those feelings (minus the ones about finding a woman who will take me on wild adventures, I guess...), otherwise I know they're going to keep nagging at me in the back of my head.

(One last thing. I don't want to give the impression that the relationship hasn't challenged me. Boy, it really has. I've had to grow up a lot emotionally and deal with a lot of stuff that scared me. In that respect, it's been a complete rollercoaster.)

Thanks Katrina. I checked out that forum and did a bit of Googling and I see what you mean. Don't worry, I have no intention of doing anything rash and am actually really looking forward to spending the time with her on holiday together. I definitely don't want to do something stupid and then regret it. It'll take very careful thinking before (if) I ever get to that point.

It's still a young relationship, I guess. I'll keep tabs on these feelings and give it some time and see how I feel down the line. The idea of making the wrong decision (either way) is terrifying to me, but as you said, there's always risk with these things. That's life I guess. I think I need to take a deep breath and relax and enjoy all the positives for now (not writing off my concerns, just getting some perspective). Thank you again for your advice.

My wife is Malaysian and she is (it was) very shy and had some traumas in her teen years. She is more quiet than me, less outgoing and I had to give many of my hobbies like trekking (more than 29 miniures). I can tell you two things:

1. Her quiet way have a lot of ventures. She has a lot of wisdom, reflexion and we have so many great and deep discussions.

2. We are married 21 years and it is getting better after so many years. We start to enjoy each others hobbies. Took however a few years as the relation ship has to get strong, build common goals.

I agree with all the other people for the other points.

Thank you Joel. Really appreciate this perspective as I can see the similarities between the situations. I'm really happy to hear how well you're getting on. Perhaps one day my girlfriend and I will reach that level

Maybe I missed it somewhere, but how much time have you spent in person with your girlfriend, OP?

As others have said, the mutual respect and caring that you two have for each other is rare and precious. Adventures can be had with people/groups who aren't your partner, and you can meet plenty of people who share your interests without needing to be in a relationship with them.

It's completely unrealistic to expect one person to fulfil all your needs. One of the aspects of mature relationships is that each of you has the space in which to grow and explore independently of your partner - which makes you a more rounded, fulfilled person with more to give to the relationship. You've stated that she listens to your thoughts and feelings and tries to connect with you; there's no element of control there and she doesn't try to restrict you. You also share a great deal of intimacy.

Here's an article about the characteristics of healthy relationships which you may find useful as a tool for self-reflection: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/in-practice/201301/50-characteristics-healthy-relationships

Good luck!

Well, I think there are a lot of problems with your relationship in what you posted. Firstly, if she continues to date you or even marries you, it sounds like she will be totally disowned from her family and she will be even more alone in the world. She will probably be left with no family members. Secondly, she is broken. I think she's shell-shocked. Did she ever receive any therapy after being gang-raped? Probably not. She may be quiet and reserved because she's still traumatized. You said she has flashbacks and nightmares. That's PTSD. She's probably still depressed, sad, and has a loss of energy or interest in activities previously enjoyed. She needs professional help.

But probably the biggest problem is that the two of you have very little in common other than being a boy and a girl. I think she even senses this, and that's the reason she asks you if you would be happier with someone else. She shares no interests with you. You're holding on to her because you want to nurse her back to health and she's clinging to you because she has nobody else. But that's not a healthy relationship. And you're now realizing there are other people out there that are more aligned with your interests.

I think it's time for you to move on. Urge your girlfriend to get professional help and be honest with her that your lives are diverging onto different paths and that she needs to find someone more suited to her background in the sciences and religion.

Maybe I missed it somewhere, but how much time have you spent in person with your girlfriend, OP?

Around a year, sorry if I missed that out

nutbrownhare, you're right - thanks for pointing out all the good things in the relationship. I did the checklist and got a high score so that's reassuring. I will try and figure out what other ways I can satisfy those feelings of mine and see if that helps :)

One of the ironies of relationships is that if the area of intimacy is very well satisfied, it will often feel as though 'something is missing'. All it actually means is that we're failing to fulfil some other need we have, and it's nothing to do with the partner - though they'll often get blamed for it.

Once you start taking care of your need for adventure, or whatever floats your boat, it will become very clear what you can get from a relationship which can't be had elsewhere. Intimacy's one of them.

I'm on the fence here. It almost sounds like a 'doth protest too much' scenario. Who are you trying to convince more that you love this woman so wholeheartedly, us or yourself? She sounds amazing - beautiful and obviously very talented if she is about to embark on a PhD. Checklists can be helpful but they can't ascertain chemistry. You also need to try and separate your feelings of responsibility and empathy for her plight from your romantic love for her. You sound quite young and if you have been single for six years I'm wondering if you have any other lonb term relationships you can compare this to.

On the flip side, this puts me in mind of my brother. He has had many long term relationships but has ALWAYS ended them due to this very dilemma. He has a very exacting set of attributes he desires from a woman and despite us all trying to convince him to chill out a bit on this, he just can't. The older he gets the more set in his ways he becomes but now he is very lonely, in his mid-forties and really wanting to be married and have children.

It's ok to be different. My partner is a mathematician with a PHd and I am an English Teacher. He is very quiet and subdued which sometimes drives me mad as I am quite excitable and outgoing! But we compliment each other on this. If I had my way we'd be out every weekend and if he had his we'd spend every night on the sofa. So we compromise and actually I enjoy cozy nights in more than I ever used to and he does enjoy the occasional social event!

Just don't rush into anything you might regret. Relax, enjoy your holiday and see how you feel after that.

Hi there guys, sorry for not replying sooner to some of your posts. Been busy on my trip, as I'm sure you can imagine. Really thankful to everyone for giving me their thoughts though, because I would have gone mad if I hadn't shared this somehow. I wanted to respond to a few (sometimes conflicting) things different people said and clear up where my head is at right now.

Firstly, yes, my girlfriend has had therapy, lots of therapy, but no amount of therapy can ever make what happened to her just get better or go away. It will always be there for her, which is sad but inevitable, I think, but although it clearly affected her deeply I don't think it fundamentally changed her personality, who she is. I don't think that if she'd seen the best therapist in the world she would have come out with a different personality. She likes the things she likes, she enjoys living life the way she lives it. Of course, we're all capable of changing, but I think she knows the sort of person she is and knows what she likes.

I disagree with the assessment about her being even more alone if she continues to date me. She already feels isolated from her family, even without me. In fact, I know she would feel most alone if she denied her true self and pretended to be who they want her to be rather than who she wants to be. That is what would make her feel alone. She knows and has accepted that she can't live her life like that. I'm not the cause of her feeling isolated from her family, I'm the result of her wanting to live a different kind of life to the one they want for her.

We may not have a lot in common on the surface, but when it comes to our values and our mental attitude towards our daily lives, I think we have a lot in common. Fundamentally, I think it is having a warm, open-hearted approach to ideas, feelings and people. Having a curiosity about other people, always trying to see the good in them, the things that other people don't spot. These are things I love about her, and which I try my best to embody as well. But one of the things I love most about her is that she is very grounded, whereas actually sometimes I can be a bit like a kite. She is great at keeping me calm and grounded when I might be floundering or upset. She always listens and makes me feel calm and peaceful inside when alone I know at times I would be all over the place.

We have plenty of chemistry. I mean, I'm not 100% sure what you actually mean by that JCSK, but I assume you mean attraction physically and emotionally. Well, I said I think she is beautiful, and we have great sex. Can't complain there. Emotionally, as I've said, we are in tune with each other the vast majority of the time. We listen to each other and are good at picking up each other's feelings (mostly). Before I knew about any of her past traumatic experiences I already felt like I had met someone special, someone who I shared a rare, easy connection with, so I don't think my feelings of closeness stem from her telling me about the trauma, though of course that complicates things. Plus, although I had been single for six years, I had been on a fair few dates, and I was in a relationship for a year and a half when I was around 17. Of course, things are completely different at that age, but it was still serious, so I do have some point of comparison. This is certainly a much better relationship than that one was, and from listening to friends talking about their relationships, I would say this is a very healthy one by those standards too.

On the other hand, I can't deny that this thought process I'm going through would be different if I wasn't also worried about her wellbeing outside of our relationship. It would be easier for me to figure this out if she had had a happy upbringing like me, because my worries about her wouldn't be so wrapped up in my romantic feelings for her. Part of our connection is that she has shared sensitive things with me. I think I would be considerably more worried than most people about how she was coping if we broke up (more than most people about their ex-partner). I know that can't be the reason we stay together, but it does complicate things a little.

Having said that, I have no plans to break up with her. My takeaway from all this is that there is a lot to value about our relationship so it would be crazy to throw it away in a flash. I'm having a nice time here with her so I should just settle in and enjoy that for the time being. I'm then off by myself for six weeks in Korea. I think during that time, it will be a bit of a test, of how I feel about her while I'm out there. I need to see how much I miss her. God, I feel so cold writing this. I actually feel slightly ill writing this. I feel torn. I love her very deeply. But I can't deny my own feelings. On the other hand, I do sometimes do stupid things, so I need to be careful and try and get a good handle on how I'm feeling, both while I'm here with her, and then while I'm by myself, so I don't do something rash.

In my ideal world, I could push the pause button on our relationship, go off by myself for a few years and then come back to her for the rest of my life, assuming I didn't meet someone else in the time. How horrible and messed up is that?

I'll check back here at some point soon. I'm going to try and enjoy my time here with her and have fun.

Edit: I think I phrased some of those last bits wrong. The thing is, we *do* have fun, we do have our own little adventures. It's just that there are perhaps other adventures I want to go on that I'm not sure she would want to go on. On the other hand, perhaps if I can find a way to do those things while still having her as my girlfriend, that could work great. I think she would be very supportive. When I'm with her I rarely think about anyone/anything else. The thought of not being with her makes me very sad. I want to be with her while also going on adventures by myself/with other people. It's just there's this little guilty part of me that wonders if, somewhere out there, there's someone who I might be able to have just as deep feelings for but who also loves the same kind of adventures as I do. Sorry if this 'adventures' stuff is sounding vague. I mean someone who likes doing spontaneous things. She likes it when I suggest spontaneous things, but rarely suggests them herself. Does that make sense? I think I'm finding this very hard because I haven't experienced as much as I'd have liked to in my life. I feel like my life is only just getting started. And then this great, serious relationship just fell into my lap, much earlier than I really expected it would.

I know I need to just try and calm down, see how I feel along this journey and take things from there when my thoughts are clearer. It's just very unsettling suddenly experiencing these thoughts when for the year previously things were so comfortable.

Why not admit there are incompatibilities and enjoy your freedom rather than nail her down to someone who wants to be free to travel, explore, be single? That is unfair to both of you it's stringing her along leaving her behind, when both of you could find what you want "by myself/with other people". Don't string people along.

I want to be with her while also going on adventures by myself/with other people.