How do I change?

I lost someone dear to me lately and it’s not the first time but this is the first time I had this epiphany.

Growing up I did what I wanted to do, bought what I wanted to buy, cared about what I wanted to care about etc. I’m not a bad person ive always been sympathetic and never made anyone feel bad about the choice they make. I’ve done what I can to help but I always focused on myself and it didn’t affect me until now.

I lost a great girl recently due to actions I’ve made in the past that put me in debt and I spend a lot of time at work to pay that debt off (as I’m used to). Made it had to get to know her friends and family so she bowed out.

I’ve been trying to sell a lot of my stuff because I realized I would never feel the pain I feel without it, as I do without someone like her. It will give me more free time to figure out my social and romantic life.

I texted a coworker that was looking for something I have and he said he has to talk to his wife. I didn’t make him a bad offer, and without going in to details it’s an offer I would’ve taken.

How do I include someone in my life they way he does his wife? He’s not the person I strive to be to a significant other as he’s done things I wouldn’t do but that quality I seem to lack.

What am I doing wrong? How can I let someone in? Is it fear of commitment?

I’m really trying to figure this out for the future. I don’t know if we will ever talk again but I’m 30 now and I don’t want to feel like a loner anymore. I don’t want to keep letting people that care about me down.

I can’t fix this with dumbbells and a new hair cut.

Well, what exactly did you do to push her away? It can't be just because you're in debt. You have to face your issues and then work on them. Maybe you need to talk to a counselor or somebody else about what you are doing.

Well, what exactly did you do to push her away? It can't be just because you're in debt. You have to face your issues and then work on them. Maybe you need to talk to a counselor or somebody else about what you are doing.

Thank you so much for the response. I’m handling the debt responsibly. It can’t be that. It’s just that I work a lot to make enough which left little time for me and her. I loved her but I was always in a rush. Didn’t stop to buy her flowers, didnt like sitting down at a restaurant because I felt like I wanted to move on to the next thing without waiting. I brought that up once just in conversation.

We never argued, I told her she’s beautiful almost every day. I meant it.

I bought something while I was with her without telling her. Why didn’t I think to talk to her or tell her? That’s why I brought up my coworker. What made me feel like it was not important to talk to someone I had a future with?

Ultimately this isn’t about her. She did what she thought was right and I can’t blame her. That’s all in a different part of the forum.

Why didn’t I think it was right to include her or anyone else in the decisions I’ve made?

It sounds like you are maturing and the realities of real responsibilities is hitting you. 👍This is actually good news. It means t you are getting your priorities in order. That means rent/mortgage, bills, utilities, savings, retirement accounts, etc before toys. 🏍🚗🎱🛶🎮📱📸📺💻

Sit down with a CPA and financial advisory to develop a good plan for that. 💰There will still be plenty left over for fun, dating, toys and trips, etc. but you'll have the mature responsibilities taken care of first.🏡

Growing up I did what I wanted to do, bought what I wanted to buy, cared about what I wanted to care about etc. I’m 30 now and I don’t want to feel like a loner anymore.

You are right. Right now I have a house and mortgage. Not to say I don’t need your advice as I can always do better.

I’m just curious why can’t I seem to include anyone in my life the way I should.

It's kind of hard to give you advice because your posts are too vague. It may be that the way you are would be a gift to a different woman. Not everyone needs or wants the same level of attention and engagement with their partner. Opposites tend to attract, but then they fight and fall apart because in the long term, it's very difficult for opposites to compromise enough to get along happily. This might be what happened with your ex.

What do you mean by include someone the way you should? There is no universal "should". It really depends. Relationships are dynamic and the way you would consult your spouse before making a purchase is not what you would do when you are just dating someone. Even between spouses, different couples will have different levels of inclusion. Like they might only discuss major purchases or things for the house, but not discuss personal purchases or hobby related purchases. It's really about what works for that specific couple and their personalities. So I think you need to get more specific about what you think your issues are and how you define inclusion.

I tend to do things without consulting with anyone. For example I bought a motorcycle without even talking about it with my then partner. I got my dog without talking to her about it.

This last one I bought a ring without talking to my now ex about it. It just makes me think I’m alienating people to do what makes me happy and then they leave. Not to mention that the money I spend I need to earn back so my job always “comes first.”

My realization is that none of the things really made me happy. Not as happy as I was when I was with them. The value of our time was way more valuable to me.

I’ve never thought of it that way and frankly I always said to myself, I will spend more time with them when I get this paid off, and they said they understood. Then I went out and did something else for myself.

I guess the communication wasn’t there but it’s not like I need someone who loves me to beg me to spend time together or to include them in what I do.

I couldn’t make family dinner because I had to work yet somehow I justified buying a motorcycle or a pair of shoes which made me continue to work a lot.

Well, you sound plain old selfish. You do whatever you want and you expect everyone else to put up with you and wait on you to be available as you please. That's pretty deep rooted selfishness. You start fixing that by making yourself do things that are the opposite of selfish and in baby steps. Go volunteer. Don't need to take on a big project, but something simple here and there. Start giving, connecting with people on a friendship level. Never take people for granted. What you are learning the hard way is that life is happening right now. There is no tomorrow, there is no later on after you've made this much money or paid off x.

If you feel that some of your acts or purchases are compulsive, you might want to go talk to a psychiatrist. You might have other issues going on.

I know it’s selfishness. I’m not an and i do care about others but in a relationship it seems like I give myself more. This past made it very clear to me.

I don’t think there are other issues to go as far as seeing a psych but I do need to re-evaluate my priorities and I’m starting to do that. I have 0 urge to do something for myself. My intentions were always pure. I would drop everything for my girl but it’s the everyday simple things I didn’t acknowledge.

I’ve been riding motorcycles for 19 years. I’ve had at least one in my garage for the last 10 years. They’re both going and I don’t feel a ounce of sadness. Things that I thought made me happy no longer do and I realize they were just an illusion of happiness because I could never settle. Gotta break the pattern.

Well, having a hobby or a passion is never going to break the right relationship. Emphasis on the right relationship. So if riding bikes is your passion, then quite frankly you shouldn't be giving it up. Sounds to me a bit like going overboard in reaction to your break up and throwing the baby out with the bath water. It's kind of why I thought that you have some issues with impulse control. You do come across as being impulsive and doing/reacting to life impulsively. Suddenly getting rid of everything is an impulsive reaction to your loss of the relationship. Think on that long and hard.

So let me go back to the previous post. When you are dating someone and aren't married, your finances are separate and that's how it should be. If you want to buy a bike or a new car, that's completely your business. You can share your plans with your SO or not, but either way, they have no right to input in your decision. It doesn't affect your relationship. On the other hand, getting a dog is a decision that will impact your relationship because a dog will require a lot of care and attention that will impact both of you and your time. You should discuss that and get input from your SO, BUT in the end, it's still your decision on whether you get the dog or not. Your SO may be against it and you may decide that it's important for you to have the dog and your SO will simply have to get over their objections and be supportive or else, leave. Yes, relationship sometimes require hard decisions on both sides. Now if you are actually married and sharing finances then discussing major purchases would be a must. Still, if you are looking to spend on a passion of yours, then your SO should be supportive of that. Granted, it may take time, compromise and saving up first because you will have to consider other financial goals as a couple and also your SO's hobbies and expenditures as well.

You're going through what sounds like a really important phase, and honestly a common one in men your age.

You're still quite young, and a lot of young men suffer from this kind of selfishness. There you were, thinking you had a lot of good stuff going on, from the mortgage to the motorcycles to the job. But, lo and behold, it wasn't enough to make a relationship stick, to make a great woman feel seen and heard in the way she needed. And with that loss you're questioning a lot, wanting to expand yourself emotionally instead of just materially. Great!

Thing is, you don't necessarily need to shed everything in order to become some kind of Gandhi. You are who you are. You just need to work on being tuned into the reality of other people, to realizing that their reality is just as complex and valid as your own. That doesn't mean not buying a motorcycle, or talking it over with a partner. You like motorcycles (as do I) so buying one is fine and not something you need permission for.

But do you ask a partner questions about her life? About how she's feeling? And do you listen—and I mean really listen—when she speaks, or are you simply waiting for your turn to talk and say something to impress her? So many relationships tend to end simply because someone (women especially) don't feel like they are being listened to. Few things are as lonely as feeling unheard.

I’m loving these responses. Thank you.

To address the impulse reaction I have to getting rid of my stuff, it’s seems that way to me too especially after what happened. The catch is, is that I should have bought the bikes after I was more financially stable and didn’t have to rely on long hours of work to earn the money I spend. I could’ve bought them flat out considering they’re not the first ones I’ve financed and I’d be in a way different position, financially, romantically, and socially.

I’ve got to start somewhere even if that means from scratch. I can always buy a motorcycle again but even putting the romantic aspect aside I barely have time to ride because I’m constantly working to pay them off. That among being in upper management my work ethic has always been to set examples. I’ve changed jobs that will be slightly lower pay at first but with way more room for growth as I am capped out where I currently work. I will continue to work there part time to sustain the difference for now.

I listened to her and I had every intention to go to those dinners and social functions with her (some I did, all I wanted to) but i kept saying me first, work first, save up for this first before I get married (even before her). Enough was enough for her and she left. We didn’t fight and I can see where she’s coming from. I loved her, her friends are awesome and I would have loved to spend time with her parents more but like I’ve said before I spent more time investing in my illusion of happiness than I did investing in our future.

I needed the kick in the a.

You've heard the quote "the more things you own, the more they own you"?

To be honest, I'm still not clear how much her demands for your time were reasonable and how much they were just her being needy and you two being a mismatch in terms of how much time you both need to have with a partner. Again, some people need quality and some people are attached at the hip quantity time. When quality meets quantity, you'll have problems.

So, how much time were you spending together? How often would you hang out with her and her friends and fam v. how much she wanted you to do it? Also, why would she be demanding that you spend so much time wither her family. It's HER family not yours. Spending time occasionally and over holidays is one thing. Her expecting you to hang with her family constantly would be unrealistic and too much.

You seem be whipping yourself into guilt, but I'm not sure how much you are actually responsible or not and whether your guilt has any realistic basis.

I personally think you are used to being very independent. Simple as that. I was that way many years ago. I actually had to "learn" to be dependent to a certain point. I pretty much knew how to do everything for myself because the few times that I needed help from friends, they were not there for me, for whatever reason. So, I learned to be perhaps too independent and that's not necessarily a good thing. You need to learn to share some of your thoughts/plans with certain other people. I learned how to ask for help (even though I knew what to do). I don't mean so sound narcissistic but, for me, being independent was a survival skill.

I agree with DancingFool that, the more you reveal, the more it sounds like you're whipping yourself into guilt, judging yourself for having "lost" at this relationship the way, say, an athlete looks back at losing a race and hits the gym to win the next one.

But relationships aren't a competition. They fall apart for a number of reasons. Sure, it's important to look at what you could have done differently, but it's equally important to just accept that a mismatch is a mismatch, or that something that once worked has hit a point where it no longer does. Someone deciding "enough is enough" doesn't mean that you're some deeply flawed individual who has to rewire your brain and drastically change your lifestyle; it simply means that they've decided they need something else.

Just be mindful that you're not trying to become some shiny, improved version of yourself right now to get her back or to atone for your sins. Because you sound pretty decent: hard working, focused on independence, into some cool activities. Someone else will admire you for who you are, just not her, not right now. All we can be is ourselves—always a work in progress, but a work we do for ourselves, not for another. If we try to bend into an inauthentic shape to suit another we'll never be happy.

I agree with DancingFool that, the more you reveal, the more it sounds like you're whipping yourself into guilt, judging yourself for having "lost" at this relationship the way, say, an athlete looks back at losing a race and hits the gym to win the next one.

 

But relationships aren't a competition. They fall apart for a number of reasons. Sure, it's important to look at what you could have done differently, but it's equally important to just accept that a mismatch is a mismatch, or that something that once worked has hit a point where it no longer does. Someone deciding "enough is enough" doesn't mean that you're some deeply flawed individual who has to rewire your brain and drastically change your lifestyle; it simply means that they've decided they need something else.

 

Just be mindful that you're not trying to become some shiny, improved version of yourself right now to get her back or to atone for your sins. Because you sound pretty decent: hard working, focused on independence, into some cool activities. Someone else will admire you for who you are, just not her, not right now. All we can be is ourselves—always a work in progress, but a work we do for ourselves, not for another. If we try to bend into an inauthentic shape to suit another we'll never be happy.

I completely agree. While I wouldn’t call what I feel guilt, besides letting her down, I do feel a sense of responsibility. I stretched myself too thin. This isn’t specifically about her, which is why I tried to post this in this sub rather than the break up sub, but about a pattern I’ve noticed I fell in to.

Downsizing may not be what I was looking forward to doing when I did the things I did but in my case, I’m burned out mentally with work and I’m disappointed that I don’t have enough time to share anything with anyone let alone enjoy it myself.

Everything happens for a reason and she didn’t deserve to be my light bulb but I’d like to make her efforts count.

I don’t intend to call her when I sell my bikes or text her with promises but I’m hoping when the next one, maybe her, comes along I can give them a quality relationship where I can share what I’ve worked for rather than prioritize what’s more important, when.

All I'm saying is know this: There is a relationship you can be in that, when you go out and buy a motorcycle, the response is something like, "Cool bike--when are you taking me for a ride?" Or: "Stupid bike--but glad it makes you happy."

There's also a relationship that when you say, "Sorry, I have to work like a maniac for the next week to pay off the bike," the response is, "Cool, babe--see you in a few days."

Petty examples, maybe, but I make them to make a point. I have a tendency to go into self fix-it mode following breakups, especially if it's the woman who has left me, but as I've gotten older (I'm 38) I've just become more accepting of the fact that sometimes they just stop working and it's not because I'm a navel-gazing, too-busy dude who loves his three motorcycles.

Just make sure the steps you're taking right now are for yourself, not because you now have some idea of your deep flaws that make you incapable of being in a relationship.

All I'm saying is know this: There is a relationship you can be in that, when you go out and buy a motorcycle, the response is something like, "Cool bike--when are you taking me for a ride?" Or: "Stupid bike--but glad it makes you happy."

 

There's also a relationship that when you say, "Sorry, I have to work like a maniac for the next week to pay off the bike," the response is, "Cool, babe--see you in a few days."

 

Petty examples, maybe, but I make them to make a point. I have a tendency to go into self fix-it mode following breakups, especially if it's the woman who has left me, but as I've gotten older (I'm 38) I've just become more accepting of the fact that sometimes they just stop working and it's not because I'm a navel-gazing, too-busy dude who loves his three motorcycles.

 

Just make sure the steps you're taking right now are for yourself, not because you now have some idea of your deep flaws that make you incapable of being in a relationship.

That was her. “I want to go on a bike ride.” The first time she ever rode a bike was with me. This is deeper. I have to back track so I can move forward in a different direction. At this point it’s without her but maybe I’ll meet someone that likes to ride as much as I do and we’ll buy a bike together.

I always wanted more. The new thing, the new iPhone, the new model. It’s not worth it.

I have $400 pairs of shoes that I haven’t worn in months. 4 years ago I owned a pair of sneakers and a pair of dress shoes. I stopped “collecting” shoes before I met her and didn’t have an ounce of sadness.

Every time I meet a girl I truly see a future with, which only has happened twice, I lose myself in work to pay for the things that I’ll lose interest in.

I’ll justify it in the moment when I do it for myself but when it comes to someone that really wants to invest their happiness in me, I lose because of that. That’s gotta change.

Have you researched compulsive shopping or impulse control issues? 📚 It's a shame to be a slave to a house full of barely used depreciating impulse buys. Why not address that? There is probably an anticipatory build up, then the rush of buying, then the let down...right? 😳

It's an OCD-related thing like any behavioral "addiction" (compulsion), such as gambling, eating, hoarding, etc. Do mood, anxiety, substance abuse or compulsive disorders run in your family? It tends to have both genetic and environmental factors. See a physician, not just a talk therapist..

Have you researched compulsive shopping or impulse control issues? [emoji432] It's a shame to be a slave to a house full of barely used depreciating impulse buys. Why not address that? There is probably an anticipatory build up, then the rush of buying, then the let down...right? [emoji15]

 

It's an OCD-related thing like any behavioral "addiction" (compulsion), such as gambling, eating, hoarding, etc. Do mood, anxiety, substance abuse or compulsive disorders run in your family? It tends to have both genetic and environmental factors. See a physician, not just a talk therapist..

Agree with the first paragraph. It is a shame which is why now i am taking steps to reset my priorities.

The second paragraph feels a little extreme. I don’t do drugs and neither do any member of my family. I’d call this a form of stupidity rather that a genetic disorder. Maybe environmental but I’m not sure I need a physician to change my environment. A therapist is never a bad idea for anyone but I think I can tackle this on my own. If it comes up again then that would be an option I’d consider but I feel like I’ll be ok.

I have $400 pairs of shoes that I haven’t worn in months. 4 years ago I owned a pair of sneakers and a pair of dress shoes. I stopped “collecting” shoes before I met her and didn’t have an ounce of sadness.

Every time I meet a girl I truly see a future with, which only has happened twice, I lose myself in work to pay for the things that I’ll lose interest in.

I’ll justify it in the moment when I do it for myself but when it comes to someone that really wants to invest their happiness in me, I lose because of that. That’s gotta change.

This is an issue you do need to address and it's not a compulsive shopping issue and it's not about things, it's that you are using work to become unavailable emotionally. You keep saying that you've got this on your own and you don't need to talk to a therapist. I still think that you do. For you to try to fix this on your own is a bit like a blind person doing eye surgery on themselves. It won't work because you aren't fully aware of all your issues and what's driving them. In other words you can't fix a problem when you can't even accurately identify what the correct problem is. That's where therapy is handy - you have a neutral professional to help you dig in, guide, and identify what is actually going on. Of course the actual fixing is completely on you regardless. A therapist is like a workout coach - they can identify where you are lacking and how, give you exercises to do, make sure you use the correct form and don't cut corners, but ultimately it's on you to actually do it. I wouldn't shy away from that because you'll get where you want to be faster with some coaching. You don't have to be crazy or mentally ill to use some coaching. It's actually more efficient and effective that way.

I never implied that I don’t need therapy. I feel like everyone needs some sort of guidance at one point or another be it from friends and family or from an outside professional. Maybe you’re right though I really don’t have friends I want to make my therapists or family in the area. Doesn’t mean I have to continue making mistakes in the mean time.

Dancingfool the more I reread your post, the more I think you’re right.