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Thread: My problem

  1. #1

    My problem

    I apologize in advance if this is going to be long, but if you're ready to read all this then prepare for a lot of "What? Wait what???". I'm a 19 years old female, in a "relationship" with a 25 years old man. I say "relationship", but it is not official cause we are online dating, so until we meet up and (to what we have planned) start living together, only then will we officially start dating. A little information about me before we dig in deeper, I'm a person with Daddy issues. My dad abused me physically and mentally ever since I can remember (3-4 years old till this day), and as an addition he DESPISES females, thinks of us as lower beings and just not something worth investing into, I say abuses mentally and I mean from A to Z you name it, he said all the worst things possible to a child. You're nothing, you're trash, moment you set foot outside of this house I will not see you ever again in my life and trust me, he did not joke when he said these things. I won't go into details about the horrendous things he did to me, but all I will say is I've never seen him as a father figure from childhood, but an enemy I have to satisfy by being a good and obedient girl so I don't get hit or yelled at, which is how my personality got formed in the end.

    I've never had an IRL relationship, but I've had PLENTY of online relationships. I'm still a virgin in every aspect you can think of, it has never gone any further with any man other than hugs/holding hands. I've felt sick to my stomach for letting another man just hold me and hug me, to the point where I've just stopped attempting to allow things to advance any further. I felt disgusted and dirty. I think it's cause when I was like 5-6, my sister (12) dragged me to our parents' bedroom and told me to get naked, got on top of me and started to... touch me, not as far as you'd think cause we were still children, I absolutely had no idea what she was doing but that's something that scarred me and I believe that's the reason why, but I'm not certain. Either way, this is why I've never had an IRL relationship and I always had online ones, they just made me feel more comfortable just talking with someone, I never had to fear about things getting physical.

    Here's the main reason why I've come to seek help. I've been online dating this 25 years old man for 1 year and a little over 2 months. As a girl who has Daddy issues, and he, a boy who likes those type of girls, our relationship is that of a sub/dom. I'm his "little girl" and he's my "Daddy" (gosh it feels weird typing this honestly). Before you judge me, in my defense I'm gonna say that this is the way I was raised, obeying and being good, I need it now. I need someone to put rules on me, I need someone to restrict me from doing things, I need to be submissive towards my partner. From a child who grew up in a battle zone, I've become an adult who sexually needs to satisfy that part of me. And I kid you not, I've become addicted to it. I'd do anything he orders me to do, I'm committed and honest with him, more than I should be in fact. As an addition, I wanna let you know that we have rules, rules which of course he set up.
    1. I MUST ask him for permission to go to sleep and if he permits it, I MUST say "Good night Daddy ♡" otherwise if I don't, I won't go to sleep that night as a form of "punishment"
    2. If I wish to go out, I must first ask him for permission, tell him with who, where, for how long will I be there, for him to make further decisions
    3. If we're in an argument, when he simply types "apologize" I must say "I'm sorry Daddy" cause if I don't, oh my god you don't wanna know what happens.

    So far, you'd probably think "Okaaaaay weeeell this is weird but what is your problem? You still haven't said it" well, here it is. All this is starting to annoy me. As much as I love him, as much as I'm committed to us, I feel like I'm slowly getting exhausted from this. The main reason why is, I can see his behavior HIGHLY reflecting on my father's. He's starting to mistreat me in the ways I don't like. I'll explain everything (once again I'm really sorry for this being so long).

    (1)When I say something, can be anything really, he will start an argument and say "you're so ing dumb" / "holy stop annoying me with dumb please?" / "stop wasting my time on this dumb ". He will go on and on, insulting me and degrading me, and I've let him know I don't like this. I'm a very communicative person, I'll say what's bothering me, what is the problem. What happens? I'm not even done explaining my point, he will say "apologize" and after I do, the following words come out: "Good girl, now drop this bull and stop wasting my time".
    (2)Next thing is in short, for things he clearly should take responsibility for, he puts the blame on me and makes me feel bad/responsible for saying things I did and twisting it out so I'm in the end, the bad guy here.
    Both of these two examples highly reflect my dad's behavior towards my mother, and no matter how much I love him, I won't allow myself to go through what my mother did. Few hours ago I've tried discussing with him how I don't like (1), he made me drop it and refused to discuss any further, which made me feel... completely disgusted by him. I feel like in his eyes, only he is important and his needs should be fulfilled, but when it comes to me I have not a say in anything. I'm feeling the lowest I've ever felt towards him. He threatened me today how after our argument (I got mad at him for not messaging me about his whereabouts for over 12 hours while he was out all night with his bros (he fell asleep and didn't get to tell me he's staying the night apparently, meanwhile I was worried is he ok)) with the words "If you throw a fit one more time, I'm ing done with you" aka, apparently he would break up with me cause he can't "stand" me for doing this but you know how I felt? I felt relieved if that were to happen, but at the same time it ing hurt. It's all just mentally exhausting really, and I'm very close to my end. You know why he won't break up with me? Cause I'm something he never had before. A girl who's so ready to submit fully, a girl that never EVER had any other man do those things to her and he would be the first in every aspect, a girl that's not just some who enjoys submitting, but also a girl who's able to give him what he seeks. Support, love, believing in him, cheering him up when he's not in a great mood, and I've only realized I'm like this cause he helped me figure out who I am. From a VERY insecure person, thinking I'm the worst possible human to ever exist he brought confidence in me, in my personality. That's why he isn't willing to just let me go like that.

    A little bit into his history, he's a man who only dated TWICE, last one was when he was 18. Ever since, he s girls in a one-night stand and ends things there. No emotional connection, just sex. He satisfies his needs, and leaves. But, I quote his words "you're different, you make me feel different, you gave me what no other girl did and I feel that you're worth giving it a go, I believed all girls were the same but you changed my mind and I really hope it stays this way" and to this, he swore he won't sleep with any other woman ever since "we" became a thing. In other words, he's committed. Currently at his parents' house, he started working to earn money and move to another country, get an apartment and for when I finish my last year in High School, I am to go to him so that we live together. He says he's doing all of this because he believes in us and is working towards "us" in the future, but I'm starting to fear that if it happens, I might end up locking myself in bigger hell than I already went through with my dad (oh, did I mention that if I leave without my dad's permission ever, I'm dead to him and I should never try contacting him again? Yep.) So it's a huge burden on me. Move in with him and lose my family? Or leave this hell I'm living in and possibly go to another one? I don't want to make rushed decisions, I don't want to go to him just cause I want to run away from where I am right now cause frankly, I can't stand living here, it's suffocating. I don't know. I'm not smart. And I need help. I'm ing lost. What if the relief I think I'll be feeling if I do pull the trigger and break up with him end up in me regretting my decision? Honestly, I'm too blinded with attachment towards him to try and do anything.

    I'm sorry for this being so long. I've never had anyone I can talk about this to cause it's just way too many personal things being revealed, which is why I've surely taken my time typing this. Thank you for reading up to this point :)

  2. #2
    Bronze Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    You are pretty self-aware so I will say this, feeling torn and lost is natural - theres a strong person inside who is emotionally exhausted but wants to be liberated from all the bull.

    Please listen to that person inside and seek professional help. You are an adult now and you have the power to not let past trauma define your future.

  3. #3
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    You need to get into therapy immediately. You are setting yourself up for a lot of abuse. There's no need to relive your father's dysfunction through all dynamics of your current relationship. It sounds like what was supposed to be a kinky (imo unhealthy) sexual dynamic stemming from unaddressed wounds is now bleeding out into blatant disrespect for you as a whole. You're exhausted because it's not healthy and relationships are supposed to be a fair platform where both people's opinions matter and have equal power, not just the needs and dominion of one.

  4. #4
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    Please, stop everything you're doing with this man online and ask your counselors at school to find you help. You are correct, you are recreating the abuse you suffered at the hands of your father, and if you keep down this path, you will repeat this for the rest of your life. Meanwhile you have found a social deviant who is catfishing you and reeling you in, probably for a one-night stand, or something even worse.

    There are so many danger signs in your posting. You need professional help to discuss your feelings and the abuse. In a way, you're suffering PTSD and this is going to make it so much worse.

    We you hear about people doing the sub/dom stuff, it's suppose to be fun, a change of pace, something kinky to do, but you're in danger of making this a way of life, and you will just get hurt and used if you continue.

    You're still so young. Why not find a nice boy and go out dating and have fun? Maybe find another virgin like yourself where you can kiss and make out and have romantic feelings. You don't have to have sex, just take things slow and see how real life is. Stop planning to run off with someone you've never met and don't even know who is going to treat you like dirt as a way of life. You don't deserve this. You've done nothing wrong. You don't need to feel bad. Your father is to blame for how you feel about yourself. Don't let what he did to you stop you from having a fulfilling social life. You deserve something better.

    You know in your heart that this Internet Relationship is wrong Ask for help. There is someone out there who can love you and who you can love in return. That should be your goal, not to run off with a guy who treats you like your father did.

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  6. #5
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    You desperately need to talk to a healthy, rational, and trusted adult. I urge you to seek a counselor.

    Nothing about this situation is normal or healthy. It is not sub/dom. It's straight-up abuse. You have no clue who this man really even is. What you do know is that he abuses you. Your father abuses you. You are in for a lifetime of abuse if you don't get the help you so badly need and deserve.

    This man is awful. You don't really know it because you have nothing to compare him too, but I promise you there is reason he seeks out vulnerable young girls on the internet rather than dating local women his own age. They won't have anything to do with him, for a darn good reason. He is sick.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Hiding behind a screen with catfish is not addressing any of your issues. 🐟 You'll only feel worse and lonelier. Step away from the screen and the catfish and get some therapy to help you navigate all this.

  8. #7
    Hey, and thanks for your throughout reply :) I went ahead and researched into PTSD, after feeling a lot of things are actually correct to what happened to me and how I am, I went ahead and took a psychology test in PTSD and they marked me as very highly influenced person by PTSD therefore, you were right.

    I realize this is a crack in my personality that needs fixing, but I don't have anyone to talk to about this. Telling these things to a school counselor will just bring trouble, they might raise a ruckus over it. And trust me, if any bad news about me reach my father, I'd not see the light of the day again. I'm a coward I know, but I've grown up in fear of my father. I also have to battle with myself cause I'm scared what if I'm not doing the right thing, I've grown up having enemies and he's convinced me we are a team, he will always be with me and support me. I realize he might have just brainwashed me, made me depend on him emotionally which is why I'm so lost. My senses are telling me this is not healthy, but what if I'm just a coward who's scared of making big decisions in life and pushing away someone who's there for me..?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ask your parents to take you to a doctor. 😷 Where is your mother or aunts, uncles, or other trusted adults? Are your parents against taking you to a doctor or letting you out of the house? If so make a call to the police and report it. Whatever you tell a doctor is confidential. Including whatever abuse you feel comes from your father. Do not play games and do online "tests" to self diagnose. Also get away from the screen and make real friends and date real people.
    Originally Posted by Something
    I don't have anyone to talk to about this. Telling these things to a school counselor will just bring trouble. I've grown up in fear of my father

  10. #9
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    This internet guy is not "there" for you. He is twisted, and he's using your extreme vulnerability to his full advantage.

    Given that you are 19, you are technically an adult. I don't know where in the world you are, but you might not be in danger of your father hearing anything if you speak to a counselor. As I understand it, most jurisdictions require counselors report parental abuse of a minor but that might be different once you are over the age of majority.

    I'll echo Wiseman's questions - where is your mom in the midst of all of this? My partner grew up with a terribly abusive father too, and his mom did essentially nothing to protect him, so I understand that yours might not be willing to intervene. However, you do need to start speaking to trusted people offline who can provide support to you. Online relationships are just not real, especially with someone are sick as your "boyfriend" appears to be. Please, do not ever meet this man in person. Ever.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Just to repeat the above: this guy is 100 percent NOT there for you. He's exploiting your deepest vulnerabilities and using the sub/dom stuff as a label to justify it/give it a false edge of intimacy.

    Whatever the nature of a relationship, be it kinky or white picket fence-y, they are all about mutual respect and admiration. Feeling seen, heard, and SAFE. You don't feel any of this from him. What you feel is exhausted and shamed, feelings that are there to tell you this is not right. Listen to those feelings and act on them by ending it.

    The best thing about this situation is that it only exists online, so it can all vanish by pressing a few buttons. I know doing that is hard—that "blind attachment" you mentioned—but it's the only thing to do here.

    If there are no adults you can trust (a mother? an aunt?) then do some online searching for trauma counselors and make some calls. They won't tell your father. Many of them will take you on for free.

    You are so, so not a coward. Your posting here is an act of strength, that inner part of you that is super aware of the situation. A counselor will help you cultivate that strength even more.

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