Why am I getting rejected all the time?

Hi, I am a 30 year old female and I’ve been single for a few years. I suffer from anxiety and depression, which has made me have low self esteem. I used to be confident and always thought I was an attractive girl, until I started suffering from depression which I have put on 3 stone in weight due to over eating when I feel low. I have been on a few dates recently and all of them have rejected me (even though I wasn’t interested in any one of them) but before suffering from depression and me putting weight on I never got rejected ever! The men say to me “there was just no spark”. Why am I getting rejected? Can they see/feel my low confidence? How can I get my confidence back?

Try to get your self esteem back. Maybejoin a gym or aweightloss club like. Tops. Then you will get rid of the weight feel proud and your light will shine. It will be fun anyway to get out with other people. 30 is a milestone age. Dont worry. There are about 50 moreyrs to look forward to

Why am I getting rejected? Can they see/feel my low confidence? How can I get my confidence back?

 

More than likely, yes.

 

Are you being treated for your anxiety and depression? That would be the first place to start, in regaining your old self.

 

I would also recommend getting back to a healthy weight and eating habits. The improvements to your health, energy, and state of mind will be invaluable to your self-esteem. An improved physique will be the cherry on top. It's the psychological benefits that will really do you a world of good.

 

The men say to me “there was just no spark”. Why am I getting rejected? Can they see/feel my low confidence? How can I get my confidence back

 

 

Yeah, I have learned that initial "spark" for men is physical attraction, so I would presume the reason you are getting rejected now versus before is your weight gain. Can't say for sure, but it's a possibility.

 

It's like a vicious cycle, you get rejected *possibly* due to weight gain, after which you become depressed and eat even more to self-soothe, which results in your gaining even more weight!

 

Which gets you rejected, depression, more eating, lather, rinse repeat.

 

I am so sorry this is happening, but to break this cycle, recognize it for what it is (low self esteem which you have recognized) good for you that's the first step.

 

Next step is turning that recognition into action by taking the necessary steps to lose the weight, and get in shape.

 

The exercise will do you a world of good, it increases endorphins and can lift depression, which in turn will motivate you to get on a good diet plan and lose the weight, in addition to the exercise.

 

I am not overweight, but have suffered from depression and anxiety and ever since I took up yoga, Pilates, and running (the running which I have cut back on, bad knee) I no longer need meds and rarely have depressed/anxious moments anymore.

 

Trust me it really helps!! And once you start losing the weight, it will lift your spirits motivating you to lose even more!

 

And yes men can sense your low self-esteem and lack of confidence which could be another reason why you keep getting rejected, maybe even more so than the weight gain.

 

So get going, and good luck!

Presumably the guys who have rejected you had seen recent photos before meeting up, so they must have felt some attraction. If you were putting yourself down, commenting on how you used to be slimmer or talking about your depression they might have thought it signalled future problems and didn't want to risk it.

Presumably the guys who have rejected you had seen recent photos before meeting up, so they must have felt some attraction.

 

 

Good point about the photos! Or even if not OLD, there must have been an initial attraction otherwise they would not have asked her out at all.

 

Cinderella, were these dates from OLD? If so, are your photos recent (after weight gain) or prior to when you were slim?

 

Men have posted that when a women presents herself (from her photos) as slim, but when they meet in person, she appears much differently, they feel a bit deceived and it's a turn off.

 

Just another possibility.

Katrina and the poster who asked about photos - in combo I think that’s right on target. And exercise - and I’ll add - a lot of water and no alcohol or soda including diet soda will do a world of good for your skin too.

Inside you is a Goddess which you have become disconnected from. She is still there and always will be. You just need to reconnect. X

I have been on a few dates recently and all of them have rejected me (even though I wasn’t interested in any one of them)

Well, you need flint and steel to create a spark, so if both you and your date are wet hoses in terms of enthusiasm, I don't think it's any surprise or coincidence they're not feeling it. Yes, pull a guy aside and ask whether a skinny waist and decent t1ts get a woman in the door, and chances are they'd agree probably as much as you would to a hot guy asking you out. But if your profile pictures are truly representative of you today, with your current weight gain, I wouldn't assume you're not getting invited for a second date for that reason. Even if you were a conventional 10/10, most self-respecting grown men aren't interested in sitting across from an uninterested woman simply for the fact they're attractive. Porn is a much quicker and cheaper form of non-interactive entertainment.

 

If you're dating for validation, you're dating for the wrong reasons. If you're not into someone, it should be more relieving than anything for the feeling to be mutual. It may be best to take a break and do what you need to in order to first regain your sense of confidence and pride.

Presumably the guys who have rejected you had seen recent photos before meeting up, so they must have felt some attraction. If you were putting yourself down, commenting on how you used to be slimmer or talking about your depression they might have thought it signalled future problems and didn't want to risk it.

 

Re photos and assumed attraction. The truth is most people are going to put their best photos up if your weight gain is recent you probably still have your old ones up, typically, and I know me personally, I have been on a date where a guy took photos that were angled just the right way so when I saw him in person and he was larger than expected the attraction was not there for me so it was a no go. Weight can be a sensitive issue for men and women and a lot of people try to hide it which really does you a disservice so if youre uncomfortable and insecure about your weight its going to be a bad time dating. Same for someone uncomfortable with being bald or any feature that makes you who you are if your insecure about it, it’s going to shine bright like a diamond.

 

Sunshine, rainbows and shoulda coulda’s have no place in online dating. It’s too brutal, very, very few are going to sit around to deal with your sh*t and the ones that do are doing so because they got their own sh*t they want you to sift through.

 

There’s nothing wrong with dealing with your sh*t before you date.

 

ETA: I agree with jman dating for validation, to heal, as a distraction, any reason other than finding a partner, or someone special to spend your time with, or booty calls, it will NOT be an enjoyable expierience.

I have been on a few dates recently and all of them have rejected me (even though I wasn’t interested in any one of them)

Seems like the feelings were mutual. Their "rejection" of you due to lack of spark, is no different to your rejection of them due to lack of interest, imo.

Are you seeking help for your depression?

 

What are you doing about your diet? Are you exercising?

 

You didn't sound interested in these guys. Are you simply seeking validation?

(even though I wasn’t interested in any one of them)

 

This ^^^ has more to do with it than you realize. I'd rethink imposing the harsh term 'rejection' on myself, when in reality, you met bad matches who could sense the same disinterest from you.

 

Most people are NOT our match, especially as we mature and become more discerning about who we find attractive. That's not a bad thing when you're only looking for one right match. If love were not rare, what would be so special about it? It's a needle in the haystack thing, so work on your self esteem and the way you frame things.

 

The voice you run in your head can either support you and work in your favor, or it can knock you down and sabotage you. You're in control of that. Practice catching your default negativity and replacing it with the voice of a kind and inspiring coach. Over time this will change your perceptions, and ultimately your experiences. But like any ingrained habit, it takes time and repetition to change, and longer for your changes to feel natural.

 

While this doesn't mean you can't date in the meantime, you may want to consider dating as a practice in resilience. Unless you're willing to consider bad matches as limited in their capacity to see your unique value rather than as a reflection on you, and unless you're willing to adopt resilience as a skill that can be learned, you'll be opting to make your dating experiences more difficult than they need to be. Why not shoot for making them easier, instead?

 

Head high.

If you weren't interested in any of those dates, then you rejected them too. Both weren't interested in each other. I know it's hard, but don't take it personally.

 

Also, have you tried therapy or counseling?

I think a little bit of an attitude adjustment is in order. You equally didn't feel much spark for these guys, so it is what it is, but I think because of the fact you haven't been entirely thrilled with your matches, it shows. But I think you might be expecting too much too soon...or your expectations might be unrealistic? It's hard to say. But I think you should walk into these dates as cautiously optimistic, not necessarily "the one." Think of it as a nice evening. Some drinks, maybe some food, an activity...a new and interesting person...maybe some touching and smooching. It's not a total loss. Relax and enjoy the moment. One date might turn into two and maybe three...one date at a time.

 

If your profile pictures truly represent you and your body type, these guys asked you out because they were attracted to you, both with your photos and with your texts. In person can be different, but know that not all men like bone-thin women. They like a little meat. Work it.

 

We all know that exercise and endorphins are natural antidepressants, and of course you can shed some weight, and behaviors get adjusted. I don't know what would work best for you. If a gym membership is overwhelming for you, consider some classes...some gym memberships have classes and you can advance to the floor later. It has to be something that you actually show up to and are motivated to continue. Explore what's available in your area that you might enjoy, and take advantage of free trials and introductory offers. I found an *actual class* to be really beneficial. Even if you don't shed massive pounds quickly, you'll have some confidence in your muscle tone and accomplishment...and muscles burn calories. :) I promise you, even with some extra pounds, you'll still feel quite good about yourself, and this will reflect in all areas of your life, including dating.

 

Take a break if you keep getting duds, and take a break if you feel it's a waste of time or works negatively on your psyche. Sometimes you just need to take a break, breathe, and leap back in, feeling refreshed and confident.

Hi, I am a 30 year old female and I’ve been single for a few years. I suffer from anxiety and depression, which has made me have low self esteem. I used to be confident and always thought I was an attractive girl, until I started suffering from depression which I have put on 3 stone in weight due to over eating when I feel low. I have been on a few dates recently and all of them have rejected me (even though I wasn’t interested in any one of them) but before suffering from depression and me putting weight on I never got rejected ever! The men say to me “there was just no spark”. Why am I getting rejected? Can they see/feel my low confidence? How can I get my confidence back?

You're just accepting anyone you can get now? For someone who has low self-esteem you certainly think highly of yourself.

Ok there are a few things going on. 📊 Firstly take care of your mental and physical health. That means a good checkup, appropriate treatment for depression and employing a healthy activity, fitness and nutritional program.

 

Secondly is dating and the typical one-and-done problem. Take it with a grain of salt, not personally. Also screen better and make sure your dating app profile and pictures are upbeat and up to date. 📅

 

Also act enthused, not anxious on dates that you like. It's not just about extra weight. Tastes vary. But what is a universal turn off is a wet blanket. If you feel unprepared to date hold off and be selective.

I started suffering from depression. before suffering from depression and me putting weight on I never got rejected ever! The men say to me “there was just no spark”. Why am I getting rejected? Can they see/feel my low confidence? How can I get my confidence back?

Ok there are a few things going on. 📊 Firstly take care of your mental and physical health. That means a good checkup, appropriate treatment for depression and employing a healthy activity, fitness and nutritional program.

 

Secondly is dating and the typical one-and-done problem. Take it with a grain of salt, not personally. Also screen better and make sure your dating app profile and pictures are upbeat and up to date. 📅

 

Also act enthused, not anxious on dates that you like. It's not just about extra weight. Tastes vary. But what is a universal turn off is a wet blanket. If you feel unprepared to date hold off and be selective.

 

Excellent advice^ from Wiseman.

Whatever you do, don't ever use dating for validation. Dating can knock down a bit even the most confident of people, just because it is rough, especially when you are doing it online. When you are already feeling low, it will only make you feel that much worse.

 

Get your personal life in order. Address your depression. Get back to living, doing what you enjoy even if at first you have to make yourself. Never ever try to use other people for validation. If you need validation DO things. Go make a list of what you want to accomplish today and get that done and don't stop until it's done. You will feel a sense of satisfaction once you achieve that. Do it every single day and slowly you will find yourself feeling good and satisfied again. You have to please yourself first.

I have been on a few dates recently and all of them have rejected me (even though I wasn’t interested in any one of them)

 

You weren't interested in anyone of them? Why would you go out on a date when you weren't interested in them? This is possible why theyre not interested in you in return. Now I don't know what you are like when your out on a date but I noticed the women who were never really into me would JUST talk about themselves.

 

Your lack of interst sometimes comes out when you are with someone. Men aren't great communicators so they would just say "Theres no spark". They could mean you never asked me anything about me or you sounded interesting. Think about how people meet and interact. I mean would you go to a Spider-Man convention when you aren't interested in it? Would you go to a ice hockey game when youre definitely not interested in the game?

 

So why go on a date when your not interested. You can tell when someone is into. The way the speak, they interact, the way they laugh and ask all sorts of questions about you. Imagine a Spider-Man geek in his own universe. The ice hockey spectator screaming and shouting for his team.

 

Now picture this and imagine someone who is not interested in you talking nothing else but about them.............Think about that for a sec.

Seems like the feelings were mutual. Their "rejection" of you due to lack of spark, is no different to your rejection of them due to lack of interest, imo.

 

Guys are not dummies. They can tell when a woman is disinterested. guys i know will date a woman that has a few extra pounds if she has a great personality/personality meshes with his and there are common interests. If you suffer with depression, i suggest not dating and spending the next year doing some self care and working on healing.

Guys are not dummies. They can tell when a woman is disinterested. guys i know will date a woman that has a few extra pounds if she has a great personality/personality meshes with his and there are common interests. If you suffer with depression, i suggest not dating and spending the next year doing some self care and working on healing.

 

Yep. Self care can be very beneficial.