Recycled nicknames

Hey,

So my boyfriend has a thing with me where he calls me puppy or he makes puppy dog sounds with me. I thought this was just our thing but I had a really jealous moment one day when I found out he was still talking to his ex girlfriend quite a lot and I looked at his messages to her. While he wasn't cheating on me with her or saying anything directly flirtatious "you're so hot" or anything like that, I found out she was STILL playing this puppy game with him that he plays with me. That really hurt my feelings. He tried to play puppy after that and I told him not to do it anymore because he did it with his ex girlfriend, but he kept trying to do it. Then he asked if I really didn't want to anymore...it kind of broke my heart to lose that. I was so conflicted. I asked if he couldn't call me something else and he said "well dogs are my favorite"...And in this desperate moment I said I wanted to still do it because...all I could think of was him now ONLY calling her that. He said he wasn't going to say it to her anymore and it would just be our thing. But now it feels like some kind of role playing game where I play the role of his ex girlfriend and it stings a little every time he says it. But I feel like if he doesn't then he won't love me as much and that hurts. I don't know what to do anymore. If I even bring this up again it will be a big fight because he's been tired of me getting jealous but...at the same time I feel like I've had kind of a right to be. I really don't know what to do.

Interesting question, and I must say I find you and your boyfriend's puppy game quite amusing. It is so tricky, because I hear that you want to keep this puppy game just between yourselves. In your question, you said 'and in this desperate moment, you caved because ... you were consumed with fear that because dogs are his favourite and if he is calling his EX this puppy game.' The word 'desperate' stuck out at me, and made me wonder if maybe you need some boundaries around this?

It does seem a bit strange to me that your boyfriend is still having 'intimate' conversations with his ex. Am I reading this situation properly? Is the puppy game some kind of intimate chat between you both? If that is the case, it certainly sounds as though he hasn't completely finished his previous relationship and is carrying it into yours.

It sounds to me as though he is playing 'back burners' and hasn't really let go of his past relationship. what do you think about that?

I think you should break up with him.

I get that a lot of couples have little cutesy things that they do... but personally, I find the puppy thing pretty condescending. And then there’s this ex-girlfriend - who he is still talking to - and being cutesy with. Sorry - but that’s not an adult relationship with feelings in the past. I agree that it’s a back-burner thing.

... and then when you bring up your completely legitimate concerns, he gets mad at you. He’s not mad because you are wrong or unreasonable. He’s mad because he doesn’t want to give up his backup plan (which to him comes across as unreasonable).

Condescending, dismissive of your feelings and ex-girlfriend floating around = break up (to me).

I think your instincts are right and that you shouldn’t ignore them.

What are your relationship boundaries? He speaking to his ex "quite a lot" and that's okay with you? Since you apparently noticed red flag behavior to compel you to read his messages to confirm or squash your suspicions, it means the relationship is on very shaky ground. If you're regularly jealous and it's warranted, why live a regularly upsetting and frustrating life with an inappropriate partner?

Yeah the puppy thing is like an intimate chat between us and I found out he was talking to his ex and she was like "woof woof" and doing this puppy thing to. While we were together. It felt almost like cheating. He said he wasn't going to call her that anymore when I brought it up but it still kind of stings when he tries to play the game with me. But yeah I don't want to feel like I'm on the back burner...that's really hurtful if that's the case. He says they're just good friends and I so want to believe that because he really seems to love me a lot and we live together and everything. But idk. Me not calling him that almost felt like she won out as his favorite or something to me. That's what I meant by this desperate moment. Idk. I just used to think this was only our thing so it really hurt he was talking to her like that.

Some of the jealousy issues are not warranted, while some I feel kind of are. My boundaries are that it's ok to be friends with an ex but I don't want them to be talking in an inappropriate way and when I found out they were talking almost every day I was driven to feel really jealous and wanted to know if he was being inappropriate. He said I didn't find anything and he didn't do anything wrong. And no he wasn't cheating on me. But he was doing this whole puppy dog thing with her that he did with me. And that really hurt. I go back and forth wondering if I'm too jealous (I've been hurt before...cheated on...) or if he's really doing something wrong.

I liked the puppy dog thing, it wasn't condescending. But it does bother me that they're flirtatious. But I've talked with other people who told me that they were very close with their exes and sometimes it came off as flirtatious but that they were just really comfortable with each other. He was nice about the jealousy at first but I keep having these feelings crop up and now he feels like I won't be able to trust him. I wonder the same thing sometimes. Other times I feel like I trust him completely. But I don't want to be stupid. And I also don't want to lose someone who I love so dearly if nothing's going on.

I think the real issue is that he appears to still be cozy with his ex.

How long ago did they break up, and how long have you been together? Why are they communicating this much? You say you live together, so I am curious if he's been in close contact with her the whole time.

And to be clear, I disagree with anyone who feels it's appropriate to be flirty with an ex while they are dating someone else. Just...no.

That’s odd that he would do an intimate personal thing with his ex when it’s just meant for you two. He’s either moved on from her or hasn’t. Sounds unfortunately like he hasn’t.

Otherwise he wouldn’t be doing that with her as well.

They broke up about 4 years ago. We've been together like a year and a half. I knew they were friends but I was ok with it. Then I saw how often he fb messaged her and I started feeling jealous. Then I saw they talked way more than I had thought. Most of it was innocent, just sending music to each other and what not. But then I saw she was doing that puppy thing. Which apparently she's like that with everyone cause she really likes dogs and what not but it bothered me he wanted to do that with me too and I thought it was our thing. He said he wouldn't call her that anymore but it still kind of bothers me he did.

Again, I think the real problem is how much they're communicating. How often do they talk, that you know of?

I don't really know. He felt his privacy was really violated (fair) when I read the messages and now I feel like he closes them on purpose do I don't see he's talking to her and get jealous. Idk. That makes me feel more lost.

The puppy dog game sounds weird and slightly offensive. Add into the fact that he was still sharing this with his ex girlfriend. What kind of guy still keeps in contact with the ex and still plays the cutesy games with her? Sounds like he has no boundaries or understanding of respect for current girlfriend.

Not only do you have a right to be questioning and to feel jealous but you also should be considering what kind of man he is. He sounds immature and a bit off. I don't think he understands either that you don't have one nickname or intimate game with one gf and transfer it to another one.

I'd have to seriously consider dumping a guy like this. Too weird and disrespectful for my taste.

And to be honest, the puppy dog thing isn't he and yours...it's his and hers seeing as they did it before you.

He is just recycling their material now with you. I would tell him the puppy thing is done unless you want to keep being reminded that it was their thing.

I would be hurt too. My ex and I had an equivalent exchange you two have, except with cats. It just came naturally, despite loving both cats and dogs, among other pets. Some couples do baby talk, you do "puppy" talk, and we did "kitty" talk. Call each other kitty, meow at each other in private, etc. It was "our" thing we didn't do in any other relationship. Many couples have cutesy qualities in their relationship as a way to express affection, so I wouldn't be concerned about the maturity level, in terms of a couple's private life.

To hear it wasn't original like that for you, I can see how it hurts. Especially if he was the one who initiated this intimate gesture. It sounds silly, but it serves as an indicator to how he may still feel about his ex. The only thing you can do at this point is voice your concerns (you're uncomfortable with him being cutesy with his ex - aka flirting) and boundaries (don't initiate "puppy" talk). If he violates them, then you have some serious thinking to do. There are all kinds of ways you can uniquely express yourself in a relationship. To not let go of one in a past relationship is telling. This is about respecting your wishes and moving forward in a new relationship, thus creating new memories and feelings.

My guess is, he's probably played this silly puppy dog game with every girlfriend since junior high.

You were not the first, nor is his other girlfriend.

Yes, his other girlfriend, as he's treating her as such.

To not let go of one in a past relationship is telling

I agree, it's like he's trying to recreate what he had with her, now with you. To me that would say he is definitely not over her and wants what they had to be redone now with you.

The "puppy game" is strange to me, but to each their own. It's not the recycling that would bother me. I'd be out of words if I had to come up with new terms of endearment or pet names for every woman I dated. What would bother me is he's lost the only real viable excuse of it being about the role as girlfriend / partner more than the individual woman. I think that, whether he's doing it to placate her or because he genuinely feels that same familiarity with her, it's a boundary most of us wouldn't be comfortable with.

That said... yeah, you can't really just keep bringing it up. It happened. He's seemingly dug himself a hole he can't win himself out of despite his attempts to reconcile. The obvious answer is to ditch the "puppy game" altogether, but for whatever reason, you seem bent on keeping it going. And, as others have alluded to, you've likely and understandably lost a lot of respect for him due to his closeness to his ex. Couple that with the fact there likely hasn't been much, if any trust if you're invading his privacy, and my assumption would be this relationship's expiry has long passed. In short, you get over it or you don't, in which case you leave.

How long have you been together anyhow?

 

My guess is, he's probably played this silly puppy dog game with every girlfriend since junior high.

 

Or more like since grammar school, how silly and yes a bit condescending.

The only time I have heard my boyfriend playing anything resembling "puppy dog" games is when he is playing with my puppy!

I get every couple has their own "thing" and games they play but for the life of me I cannot wrap my brain around this one. But if you like it, then who am I to judge.

That said, more importantly and I agree with the others, his relationship with his ex, over and above the puppy games, is inappropriate!!

And I would be re-thinking "our" relationship just based on that! What he has going on with her (woof woof??) certainly sounds questionable, regardless of the "puppy" game.

I'd be gone, but your call.

I understand your feelings and the conflict. Nicknames are endearing, and you know they're recycled. Usually they're only used on people they feel especially close to. I had a "boyfriend" who would call me Buttercup, and I loved it. Did he call his daughter Buttercup? Probably yes. Did he call his ex-wife or ex-girlfriends Buttercup? Probably yes. Admittedly, it bothers me to have the same nickname as exes, and I would prefer something unique to me and us...but it's also just an endearing name reserved for those closest to him. It's really a tossup.

The thing is, once broken up, this cutsie little game and continued use of the game and nickname with the ex should have ended. Not only has he maintained communication with his ex, but he's maintaining an intimate little game...the same game he plays with you, his girlfriend. Jealousy? Anger? Hurt feelings? Yes, absolutely! This is something that is supposed to be preserved for someone you are intimately and romantically involved with...and he still uses on his ex. It also loses its endearing quality if it's spread around like water. You're no more special that anyone else.

Does he do this playful puppy game and nickname with his guy friends? His other platonic friends? No?? Issues abound. I would have serious issues of maintained friendship to high levels with the ex, but absolutely NO with flirty behavior, such as with this puppy nickname and puppy game...just NO.

The big picture here is his continued attachment to his ex. He's orbiting. He's not over her.

I understand your conflict on wanting to keep this little game, and loathing it at the same time, and feeling rather resentful over it. Solution? I have none. I think that due to his continued use of the pet name and the little game with this woman...it's equivalent to snuggling, flirting, sleeping in the same bed but "just friends," and touching...he's not over her. He's orbiting her, and she's keeping him hooked on the line...and you feel like you're in a competition. I think it's time for you to think about whether or not you want to continue this...I think it's time to drop him. He can have his cutsie puppy game with her while she dangles that carrot, and you'll find someone who's heart can be yours.

How long have you been dating? 🐶 How long have they been broken up? How did it come about that you had "a jealous moment"? What else is happening? You don't seem happy or secure in this scenario and there are probably more compatible boys you could date. Or you could just start your own pet names and call him piglet 🐷

he was still talking to his ex girlfriend quite a lot. I found out she was STILL playing this puppy game.I feel like if he doesn't then he won't love me as much.

My brain has been spinning imagining what this puppy game is all about, really.

Is it some sort of a kinky sexual game? Like he's got a leash around your neck, you're on your knees barking "woof woof" or something?

Not judging I've actually read something about it; it's a sexual turn on for some people.

Hell, I dated a guy who got off on tying a rope around my neck and choking me to unconsciousness during sex; I created a thread about it at the time.

I'm pretty opened minded but I could *not* bring myself to get excited about that one, let alone go through with it, so I broke up with him, but I guess point is everyone has their own kinky inclinations, as j.man said, to each his own.

purplepaisley made an excellent point; it's not even so much that he played this game with his ex (and probably ex's before her) and plays it with you. Or called her puppy names that he now calls you.

It's that they are *broken up* and he is STILL playing this woof woof game with her and calling her puppy names! That's what's troubling, and yeah suggests he is not over her.

I don't even think talking to him will do any good, he will just deny he's still sexually into her but the proof is in the pudding so to speak. You saw the messages -- busted!

Like I said, I'd be gone but your call, good luck.

If a guy lets you feel like you have to compete for him, he's not the guy for you. Period.

You might turn things around and ask him how his ex girlfriend will feel if you told her that he does the puppy dog thing to you! That might make him stop doing it. She might stop texting him if she knew that.

Hold up here....he's still chatting/flirting with his ex? Scrap the puppy thing, and see the fact he's still has an emotional connection with his ex. This is grounds to kick him to the curb.