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To go visit my family or not to go... that is the question...


Nebraskagirl14

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I will make this as short as I can. I have a Dad that I have known my whole life but who hasn’t been in my life much at all. He has four other kids and he left them all as babies and didn’t reconnect with them until adulthood. Two of them I actually found. My half sister that I just found about a year ago lives in Texas and we had all decided to fly to Texas to meet her because she “doesn’t have any money.” Well, this is how it works with my dad. He’s a nice guy and a sweet talking fellow. He is generous and uses his generosity to buy my siblings’ love. I don’t get the same treatment. I never have. My half sister that I found a year ago and I had been building a relationship with was like, “Well, I won’t fall for any of that schmoozing, etc.” SO! We plan to all go meet her in Texas. I live in California. My dad then asks her if she wants to fly to California to go on a cruise with her family to Mexico. Of course I’m thinking, why the hell am I flying to Texas then when you are coming to California?! My sister was like, “Yeah, we decided to save our money and come out.” I personally wouldn’t want to go on this cruise anyway but I also can’t take off four days in the middle of the week because I teach college. My dad who has no filter confessed to me that he paid for her entire family to go on this cruise and that “he’ll pay for me too” if I want to go. My sister of course didn’t tell me that my dad paid for her family but whatever. Anyway, I’m just frustrated that this relationship turned out to be just like my other siblings where they are in my dad’s good old boys’ club and I have always been the outsider. I feel really uncomfortable going to Texas now and I don’t want to go. My dad is turning 70 as well and I feel like I “should” go but they are all going to be in LA in Feb for the cruise and I could fly down them. Any thoughts about my obligations here? Since my sister decided to have this little secret with my dad, we haven’t spoken as much on the phone. It’s sad but I’m just not one to do something just because I’m supposed to. Then of course my sister tells me that she is going to Arizona with her friends to a resort. This is exactly like my dad. Tell everyone you have no much and take a bunch of trips. That part is none of my business but the entire premise of our flying out to her home was because she didn’t have a lot of money!!! And frankly, I don’t want to go!!!!

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Don't go if there is divisiveness with your father and his other kids. And especially if there is resentment. Let the dust settle and revisit it at a later time.

 

Wiseman2, you are always so wise. I don’t think THEY have a clue as to how I feel. I am typically a great communicator but with my dad, I could never tell him anything. That hasn’t done anything in the past but piss him off. So I think they all just think I’m a flake because I am not a joiner when it comes to them.

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I think you need to separate your sister’s actions from your father’s actions.

 

I do understand why you would be upset (and maybe jealous?) about how your father treats your siblings differently than you. It’s not right. It’s not. But - that’s really not your sibling’s fault. What was she supposed to do? Turn down a cruise because you couldn’t go? She probably knows exactly how you feel about your father and how he likes to spend money on them (in fact - you’ve clearly had a conversation about it...) - so she probably felt awkward and in a really weird place confessing that he was going to pay. I think she was stuck between a rock and a hard place on this one and I don’t think she needed to turn down the cruise in solidarity or tell you all about how he was going to pay (which probably would have just upset you). I get why you are upset - but to me, you should direct that anger to where it belongs - with your father.

 

The situation that holds more water for me - and is directly related to her - is the argument that she could not afford to come to you but could afford to go to a resort. That said, you again probably don’t know the whole situation. Maybe someone has a timeshare or it’s just her and not the whole family or she got an awesome deal or the trip has long been planned or... it could be a number of things. Unless you are directly in someone’s finances, you can’t really say what someone else can or cannot afford.

 

I don’t think that you should let this situation jeapordize your relationship, but I DO think that - you are probably a pretty generous and sacrificing person - but maybe you want to hold back on that a bit. Don’t put more into the relationship than she is and don’t sacrifice more than you are willing to “lose”. Only do what YOU are comfortable with, with no expectations in return.

 

Anyways... all that to say, I do agree with Wiseman. You sound pretty resentful right now. Now is not the time to make this trip, IMO. Make up and excuse and let the dust settle, I agree. That’s probably in the best interest for the relationship.

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I think you need to separate your sister’s actions from your father’s actions.

 

I do understand why you would be upset (and maybe jealous?) about how your father treats your siblings differently than you. It’s not right. It’s not. But - that’s really not your sibling’s fault. What was she supposed to do? Turn down a cruise because you couldn’t go? She probably knows exactly how you feel about your father and how he likes to spend money on them (in fact - you’ve clearly had a conversation about it...) - so she probably felt awkward and in a really weird place confessing that he was going to pay. I think she was stuck between a rock and a hard place on this one and I don’t think she needed to turn down the cruise in solidarity or tell you all about how he was going to pay (which probably would have just upset you). I get why you are upset - but to me, you should direct that anger to where it belongs - with your father.

 

The situation that holds more water for me - and is directly related to her - is the argument that she could not afford to come to you but could afford to go to a resort. That said, you again probably don’t know the whole situation. Maybe someone has a timeshare or it’s just her and not the whole family or she got an awesome deal or the trip has long been planned or... it could be a number of things. Unless you are directly in someone’s finances, you can’t really say what someone else can or cannot afford.

 

I don’t think that you should let this situation jeapordize your relationship, but I DO think that - you are probably a pretty generous and sacrificing person - but maybe you want to hold back on that a bit. Don’t put more into the relationship than she is and don’t sacrifice more than you are willing to “lose”. Only do what YOU are comfortable with, with no expectations in return.

 

Anyways... all that to say, I do agree with Wiseman. You sound pretty resentful right now. Now is not the time to make this trip, IMO. Make up and excuse and let the dust settle, I agree. That’s probably in the best interest for the relationship.

 

Thank you so much, Red Dress for that truly thoughtful response. You’re right about my sister and I do think she probably felt weird and probably embarrassed to tell me about my dad offering to pay for her whole family to go on that trip. She is a really good person. They are just so different than I am. They are all more alike. I’m different than them I guess I should say. Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I just feel really anxious about flying into Texas and into that situation at this point. I also don’t want to upset anyone or make them feel like I don’t care but I would be so out of my element. Thank you again.

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I think you need to open up to your father.

 

I would love to if it did anything. I just don’t know what to say to him to be honest. In his mind, he’s a great dad I think. He never grew up knowing what a great dad was and so he doesn’t have any idea. He has a kind heart but no sense of responsibility around his kids.

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This is a tough position to be in. He is your dad after all and he is making an effort to connect with you. If you skip the trip, perhaps you can do something else. Something just between the two of you to celebrate him turning 70. For example, going to an exhibition you both enjoy (you get to connect with him whilst share opinions about what you see) and grabbing a bite to eat after.

 

Nice family members are worth it.

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I would love to if it did anything. I just don’t know what to say to him to be honest. In his mind, he’s a great dad I think. He never grew up knowing what a great dad was and so he doesn’t have any idea. He has a kind heart but no sense of responsibility around his kids.

 

Start from the beginning and lay it out. Write about what has upset you over the years. Staying silent does not help you, not will it change things.

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My dad is turning 70 as well and I feel like I “should” go but

 

It's never a good idea to set up a 'should' for yourself only to knock it down and then feel lousy about that. If it's a matter of seeing more of Dad as his numbers get 'up there,' then make your own private plans with him that are suitable to you, and skip any trips that are NOT.

 

If you don't want to go, contact the host and with a regret for not making the trip. Phrase it any way you want. "Something came up on my job. I won't be making the trip." (Something always comes up at work. You don't need to link that to the statement, "I won't" rather than "I can't".) Done.

 

I’m just frustrated that this relationship turned out to be just like my other siblings where they are in my dad’s good old boys’ club and I have always been the outsider. I feel really uncomfortable going to Texas now and I don’t want to go.

 

Be careful with circular arguments. If you WANT 'in' then participate. If you don't really want to participate, then don't tell yourself that you are 'left out'. That does something to your head that is unnecessary and not wise.

 

Also consider that nobody's 'hiding' anything from you. Your Dad openly discussed paying for whatever he's paying for, and he extended the same treatment to you. Whether you can or won't accept is a different matter. So whenever you learn of special monetary treatment of a sibling, decide whether you want to ask for an equal handout, or whether the reason you don't is because you don't especially need it or want it at a given time. Then you can mentally credit Dad if you believe that he would give you something if you ask for it, and make room for Dad's generosity should any of your siblings mention a need or desire that he's fulfilled for them.

 

The reason this is important is because it makes no sense to mentally position yourself along with Dad for a 'no win'. By comparing your interactions with him to those of your siblings, you're creating your own storyline where you are the loser every time. How does that serve you?

 

I'd rather assume that Dad and everyone involved are doing the best they know how at any given time, and none of that reflects on you. If you want 'in' on anyone else's deal, you own the capacity to speak up and ask for it. If siblings are more vocal about their needs or desires, then that speaks of them, not you--so comparisons don't make any sense.

 

Head high, and enjoy your family to the degree that you wish or can manage. Leave the rest alone, and keep your focus fixed on any private bonds you'll want to build with each person individually.

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Be careful with circular arguments. If you WANT 'in' then participate. If you don't really want to participate, then don't tell yourself that you are 'left out'. That does something to your head that is unnecessary and not wise.

 

Very wise advice. you can't say that you were not included --- when you were invited....

 

I also think with dad being 70 -- if he wants to treat everyone so they have the opportunity to get together with eachother, i think you need to drop your feelings of 'all the years' and take it at face value for what it is. If you want to go - go, if you don't want to go, fine, but don't NOT go if you are not going because you feel your father favored your half siblings over the years.

 

People shower more money over children out of guilt, the different relationship they had with different exes and what the ex would allow, as well as capability (kids that didn't have as much opportunity or didn't have the smarts to get as ahead as others)

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Thank you all for your fantastic responses, truly. I am guessing I will end up not going. They will all be in LA in February for the cruise and I can see them at that time. It is very true that I need to stop the story of being left out. I guess the truth is that I could be a part of everything I want to be a part of and I choose not to for my own reasons. I also know that regret is a useless emotion an so I have to get into alignment with whatever decision I make and be okay with it. Thank you again you guys. Your replies were just really thoughtful and I so appreciated all of them.

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T I guess the truth is that I could be a part of everything I want to be a part of and I choose not to for my own reasons.

 

This is extremely introspective and honest. It is very refreshing. I love it when people experience growth vs deciding that they must be "right" in their life.

Have a wonderful time with your family.

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